“What do you mean, Janie's got a gun?! Stop singing and let's get the fuck outta here!!!”
Aerosmith is an American rock band, sometimes referred to as "The Bad Girls from Boston" and "Who the hell is Smith?". Possibly the only good Melodic Death Metal band ever to live except a certain "band of faggots". They have played live for over 200 years and their musical style hasn't changed since then. *sigh* Although they have maybe 3 or 4 fans, most of the bands critical reception call them "Crap imiations of Whitesnake" and they have only sold a few albums, all of them are their classical experimental stuff.
Joe Perry fought in The American Revolution (British: the War of Colonial Aggression). George Washington, the Father of The American Revolution, is Joe Perry's father, making Joe Perry the son of the American Revolution, and (if you're an American) probably your uncle. With the power of immortality, Perry roamed the lands, searching for someone who would put up with his riff-less guitar playing. Unfortunately, as time went on he suddenly started looking "a bit lesbian-like" according to witnesses.
Steven Tyler was a Welsh Fisherman and cocktail waitress whom made a meager wage for about 40 years. When he was 56 years old, Tyler stumbled upon an evil Genie lamp that made him immortal! The only cost was that he had to look like your grandma. Tyler laid 2 spores that eventually evolved into Tom Hamilton and Brad Whitford. Steven and his spore babies roamed the lands for acceptance.
One day, Perry and Tyler met up in a tavern for a drink; their lives were changed forever. When they met, Perry was disgusted to see his grandma and threw his drink into Steven's face. This activated a chemical reaction that launched DNA altering acid into Perry's face, causing the less significant spore baby to be created: Joey Kramer. Perry was shocked at Tyler ruining his "Rico Suave" grade face and punched Kramer in half with his energy fist. Joey Kramer was on the ground, gasping for life, until he multiplied like a cell! The two halves became two people! They were known as the Kramer twins (not heard in public, mind you), with young Jim Kramer and the original Joey Kramer. Jim Kramer kicked Joey Kramer's ass and ran off to produce a "mad" experiment (See Mad Money).
Tyler had then made an ultimatum to Perry: Join the clown brigade known as Aerosmith (not to be confused with the legendary early 20th century poem "Arrowsmith"), or Perry would be another victim to Mount Doom. Perry joined, and the band has been largely successful due to constant death threats to publishers.
Aerosmith has published children's books about themselves since 1972 in the ever-going effort to make money. You can see them at your local pubic library, but you'd be vaporized on sight. This list of books chronologicalizes (is that a word?) their lives, including:
- I Fought in the Civil War! Fuck Yeah!
- Living on a Prayer (We came up with it first)
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Finding Money!
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Spore-babies! Guess who's a mother?
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Reading a book! ('Cause we can't!)
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Escaping the Draft!
- An autobiography about King Tyler.
- The book with nothing in it (We were high!)
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Sweet Ejaculation: the product of emotion.
- Tbejfhoeuhuewyrjfnjkh: The Russian translation of his life by Joe Perry
- An Interlude between Books: Good Times doin' Blow!
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: The Take-Home Drug Test: How We Failed It!"
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Escaping the '70's!
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Escape from the Commies! They were after Stevens Lucky Charms.
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Perry's a Fuckin' Asshole! He left!
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Perry's a good Fuckin' Asshole! He came back!
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Pink: My new obsession: The 6,000,000 page informational that landed Steven Tyler £30K from the The Times short story competition.
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Honking on Bobo: How did we fuck up this much?!
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Will girls still like us? Please? Atleast they like Stevens short stories.
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Ow! I Fell Off Stage! ('cuz I'm fuckin' old!)
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Multiple Knee and back Surgeries ('cuz we're all fuckin' old!)
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Escaping Rehab ('cuz pain killerz is so motherfuckin' damn good!)
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: I'M BACK IN THE SA-um-BAND AGAIN!
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: Our Singer is 62 Freaking Years Old, And We STILL Are Performing!!! (and is that a good thing?)
- The Adventures of Aerosmith in: I Fell Off Stage Again! Joe Pushed Me! Steven, You Started It!
Aerosmith's drug habits are of epic legend, and considered to be the 2nd worst in rock history. One summer Steven Tyler and Joe Perry snorted up Peru, trees and all, only to find themselves ground into a powder and shot into Iggy Pop's arm. Fortunately, Drug Jesus protected Tyler and Perry from Iggy's ghastly metabolism, and they were secreted whole, resuming quickly with rehearsing new music, doing drugs, sleeping, eating, shooting their guns, driving their sports cars, and in short, living the rock lifestyle to the fullest.
- Steven 'Do me' Tyler - Screamer ("vocalist")
- Joe 'No do me' Perry - (Air) Guitar
- Tyler Perry - Black Man
- Brad 'Joe's shadow' Whitford - Position unknown (we think he's behind the first guitarist)
- Tom 'invisible' Hamilton - Silent Bass Farts
- Joey 'Cosmo' Kramer - Garbage Can Beater and crazy guy from Seinfeld
- Santa Christ
- A Guitarist- when Perry wasn't in the band
- Your Mom- when Whitford wasn't in the band
For years Aerosmith concertgoers were convinced they were at Rolling Stones concerts, but couldn't understand why the band arrived on time, could play their instruments and didn't have the Hell's Angels mass murder people. The Stones may have influenced Aerosmith, but Aerosmith in turn influenced hundreds of other bands, including:
- everything hair metal
- Deep Purple, after they reunited and went hair metal
- KISS (formerly Keep It Simple, Stupid), even before they went hair metal, but more after.
- That kid that plays guitar in his garage across the street
- Def Leppard (formerly The Real Cool Spellerz).
- Guns N' Roses who copied mostly addictions, to the point where Axl's hair went from a murky shade of blonde to a burning ginger.
Aerosmith released many albums, most of which made the Rolling Stone magazine's 500 Greatest Aerosmith Albums list. Their many hit singles include the hits "Dream On Drugs", "Come Together on Drugs", "Crazy on Drugs", "Train Kept a-Rollin on Drugs", "I Don't Want to Miss a Grain of Cocaine", "Big Ten Inch Joint" and "Jesus Christ Superdrugs", written in collaboration with hard rock legend Diane Warren. On drugs.
True fans know all Aerosmith album titles are obscure sexual innuendae. For example, Honkin' on Bobo is slang for fellatio; Draw The Line is slang for fellatio; Classics Live Volume 2 is slang for fellatio. Done With Mirrors is a recommended sexual position with the band's favorite groupie, Lady Cocaine.
- We're Already too Fucked to Name our Debut Album: What Will we be Like in Five Years? (all 1973)
- Get Your Fuckin' Drug Addiction (1974)
- Sex Toys in the Kitchen, Heroin Needles In The Drawer (1975)
- Crack Rocks (1976)
- Aerosmith's Cocks (1976 1/2)
- Draw the Line of Coke and Snort It (1977)
- Crack! Bootleg (1978)
- Right in the Nuts (With The Heroin Needle) (1979)
- Cock and a Hard Place (1982)
- Aerosmith Sells Out (1984)
- Done with Beer a.k.a What The Fuck?! (1985)
- Classics Live I: Just Songs From Our Early, Good Albums, We Promise (1986)
- Classics Live II: For The Second Year In A Row We Are Too Fucked Up To Record New Material, Yee-haa! (1987)
- Permanent Sedation (1988)
- (I Want My Own) Penis Pump (1989)
- Get a Grip on that Bong (1993)
- 9 Lives After Eight Drug Induced Deaths(1997)
- Push Stop, For The Love Of God! What the Fuck Happened to all the Hard Rock? (2001)
- Smokin' With Bobo (2004)
- Greatest Hits (Vol 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...) (2005-2009)(the same greatest hits collection released over and over again, but nobody could be bothered to come up with individual titles at the time)
- Cocks Inside (2009)
- 25 Reasons I Have Erectile Disfunction (Greatest Hits) (2009)
- Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah (w/ Michael Richards) (2009)
- Screw WordGirl (2010)
- American Idol Judgefest(2011)
- Music From Outside Songwriters (2012)
Steven Tyler's accident
In the summer of 2009, Steven Tyler fell backwards off the stage in a concert and severely injured his penis. He apparently made suicidal comments about life without a penis while being airlifted to God knows where. Hope arose though, (no pun intended) when a dying Michael Jackson willed his nose to the reconstruction of Tyler's penis. Tyler now has to do penis exercises daily, but in a recent interview he stated that "the kind of shit I'm doing with my cock, I did every day before the accident." This has subsequently put him on the terrorist watch list.