Alice in Chains

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Alice in Chains
Members of Alice in Chains, including Layne Staley (bottom left).
Biographical Information
Seattle, Washington
1990s, 2000s, unfortunately.
Organ Donor


For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Alice in Chains.

Alice in Chains is a metal band originally formed Alice Got Maimed (a popular children's book) led by whale-nasal-political-activist-vocal buff Layne Staley and former harp-repair man / current guitar-solo-definitioner Jerry Cantrell. Despite being rained on constantly while rehearing in their drummer's backyard space within the heart of Seattle and smelling like that of a failed central nervous system of a dying old lady, the band went on to sell millions of compact discs before dissolving in part of Jerry's obsession with the pure sound of vinyl and uncontrolling power of blowing people's heads off with his astonishing guitar-playing abilities, ultimately causing the accidental death of his own bandmate, Staley.

History and information[edit | edit source]

During the early morning of the summer of 1987, Layne Staley emerged from his parents house (age 20, wearing his PJs) before stubbing his toe on the side of his redneck farmer neighbor's brick-house, which was later discovered by local authorities to be a slaughter house full of the insides of various artists involved with the recording of popular 80s hair bands. Nonetheless, the result of the stubbing forced Staely to produce an unusual, low-toned, yet Amazing voice, which was heard by neighbors, the beautiful singing of Staley brought them to their knees. A Homeless America/street musician/ street walker who was delivering the morning paper to Jerry Cantrells house (out of sheer boredom and self pity since it was him who was responsible for accidentally blowing his grandmother's head-off with his rockin' guitar skills during a Rock/GRUNGE fest session with the artist known at the time as Alice 'n Chains. After attempting to administrate CPR on Staley (who was obviously conscious..) LOL Jerry Cantrell immediately asked Staley if he wanted to join a band. To his surprise, Staley accepted. This inspired Cantrell to get the band together and thank god (or whoever) That they did!! Don't forget every member in the band shared the box in which they lived - hence their breakout hit "Man in the Box"

Early years[edit | edit source]

After visiting the local zoo to request the adoption of an ape and lookalike Mexican (drummer Sean Kenney and bassist Mike Starr), both Staley and Cantrell became satisfied with their achievement in portraying a full band that looked dirty enough to fall into the grunge genre (especially the day every member of the band agreed to stop the use of showering and shampooing). As time went on, they began hitting up the clubs every night for a week, causing a spark of complaints on behalf of the local community from club owners for "barging in looking like a group of cavemen, smelling like sac, head-banging to disco music and drinking all our beers" before finally realizing they were supposed to be hitting up the bars and playing shows if they wanted their band to get anywhere. During the band's debut performance at a local coffee house, an A&R representative from Columbia Records was reportedly taken hostage by Cantrell while using the bathroom facility and told by Cantrell himself that he had to sign the band or the city of Atlantis would never be discovered. This prompted the A&R representative to sign the band immediately, which led to a few demos and the band's full length album: Facelifting (which was a reference to the event regarding Staley's mom's friend's uncle's father's facial operation, who suffered numerous wounds from being viciously stung in the face by a swarm of killer bees). The album became an instant success, selling nearly 583,594,214,194 copies under a three-week period of time.

Mainstream success[edit | edit source]

With the highly acclaimed 'Facelift', Alice in Chains' proceeding albums Dirt, Jar of Flies passed on to the certified on the dean's list for Collins College to be quadruple platinumfied, however, due to Dean of Admissions' suffering involving abandonment issues and use of over the table drug tablets, he only had time to make it gold. It was suggested among many fans at this point, including the former CEO for Sony Corporation, Bernie Mac, that the three albums be Judy Garlanded, however, due to a sudden hype of focus by the mainstream media involving the illegal use of drugs being passed around rave parties and funeral homes, the plans to Garlandify the three hottest albums of the decade were sadly, and to the dismay of fans, dropped like that of a new born baby being dropped from the top of an Alex Johnson Hotel for the entertainment of strangers for some reality-based television show.

Deaths-a-lot and stress[edit | edit source]

Unfortunately, as the nineties passed on, Cantrell's brain-mushing guitar acts were beginning to reach a state of crazy-madness. The first incident being that during a gig at Ron's Steakhouse of Buffet, when travelling sound tech for the band requested for Cantrell to execute the sound of a B-flat major from his guitar before the show so as to get the sound levels of the amp monitors to blend smoothly over the annoying sounds of the over-powered and loud grill systems that were being used by the employees of the restaurant. To the shock of many, the microsecond of the perfectly strummed pitch was just enough to make the sound tech's head explode into bits of pieces, leaving the head manager of the restaurant to believe the mush was nothing more than bits of lasagna and thus, using this mush to substitute certain sauces for his steak. He was later beaten to death and mugged by local authorities for this crime. The worst day of Cantrell's life, as he recalls from a recent interview was the day he accidentally killed his close bandmate, Staley: "...I was just, playing you know, some Stairway to Heaven in the studio...Layne comes in and starts to mumble some of the words to it...tells me, 'Hey, man...turn that up.' So I do what he says, and apparently it wasn't enough, because he tells me next, 'No, no, no...keep goin' man. Just a lit...' and before I knew it...his brains w-w-were all over the place." At this point, things were only getting worse. Days later, the A&R representative who signed the band threatened legal action if Atlantis wasn't discovered soon. Feeling enraged, depressed and bitter, Cantrell took up collecting pogs.

Jerry Cantrell's facial expression before people's heads would explode.

Reformation[edit | edit source]

After sudden death of Layne Staley, Kurt Cobain rolled around a bit in his grave and chuckled a little, The Little Mermaid (Season 2) was released via VHS, several earthquakes struck the southern plains of the United States, Air Force One crashed directly into a plutonium nuclear wasteland and the Hanson Brother's debut album was released. It seemed all hope was lost. Until it was announced, after taking out a page from the Chicago Tribune in 2005, that Alice In Chains would reform with minimal guitar action and a new lead singer. This left fans to hate the band and was to believed to be the root cause of the Virgina Tech Shooting of 2007.

Discography[edit | edit source]

Studio albums[edit | edit source]

  • Plastic Surgery (1990)
  • Sappy Shit (1991)
  • Dirty Dirt (1992)
  • Jars Of Rice (1994)
  • Alice Gets Naughty With Animals (1995)
  • Black Gives Way to Blue and Red and Orange and.... just buy it.. (2009)
  • Alice Gets Naughty With Animals, Vol II (2013)
  • Rainy Rain (2018)
  • William DuVall Presents: Running with JigSaw, Vol IX (2023)

Guitar Gear[edit | edit source]

  • Contessa Acoustic Guitar
  • Norma Electric (Black Finnish)
  • Ovation Electric (With Battery Pack)
  • Klica Acoustic (Jerry bought at a pawn shop for $5.00)
  • Hondo Electric (With horrible action!)
  • A banjo that Jerry was too scared to use (brand unknown).