School of Rock

Please note that the following article will have no references whatsoever to American comedian and rockstar Jack Black.

Full-time disciple of Rock and part-time first grade school teacher, Mr. Tubbleworthy.

"Good morning, children." said the teacher, Mr. Tubbleworthy, arriving at class at the crack of 11 o'clock. "Are you ready to Rock?"

"Mumble." came their mumbled reply.

"I said 'Are you ready to Rock?" repeated Mr. Tubbleworthy as he pulled his guitar from its tour sticker-covered and badly battered case.

"Woo?" cheered little Barry Midcap, half-heartedly.

"Almost there, Barry, but the spirit of Rock hasn't yet awakened in the temple of Roll deep in yo-ah soul!"

The classroom lights flickered as the teacher plugged in his electric guitar. They dimmed as he cranked the volume on the amplifier beyond 10 before breaking off the knob. They both dimmed and flickered when he opened the class of Rock by tearing off a wicked lick on his Flying-V guitar. The teacher paused for a moment to catch his breath, and then changed tactics, licking off a wicked tear on the other neck of his Flying-V guitar.

"That was keen, Mr. Tubbleworthy." said Barry nerdily. "But I could never do that..."

"Damn straight! You are but a child; a simple traveler on the road to Rock!" replied the teacher. "The Goddess of Rock obeys no little boys. Rock is for men! Men of Rock! Men of Roll! Also, Lee Aaron and Lita Ford for a short period of time during the 1980s. Joan Jett, meanwhile, was torn between her twin loves of both Rock and Roll. The Rock Gods, in return, gave her a hit single or two, including a cover of Tommy James and the Shondells' Rock ballad 'Crimson and Clover'. Rock is nothing if not magnanimous."

The Gibson Flying V guitar, complete with a custom bull's eye paintjob. The bull's eye is centered on Rock.

"What's 'mag-ana-miss'?" interrupted the adorably gap-toothed Cindy Berfheimer after raising her hand, also adorably.

"Put your head on your desk, Miss Berfheimer!" wailed the teacher, as he wailed on one, the other, then both necks of his guitar. "There are no stupid answers in Rock, only stupid ques...ugh...I gotta sit down."

Mr. Tubbleworthy sat down behind his desk, slumped, heaved a sigh and sighed a heave before shutting his eyes and massaging his temples; the Rocking and Rolling of the previous night's Rocking and Rolling Rocking his head and Rolling his stomach. In layman's terms, he had a hangover. A hangover of Rock. The children, too, shut their eyes as they too had hangovers of Rock, although their hangovers were smaller and fuelled by sugar. Visions of Rock danced in their heads. Visions become dreams. Dreams of Rock. Rock and Roll.

Jack Daniel's: Fuel of Rock (unless you're a minor, then stick to Pixie Stix and Jolt Cola).

Time passed quickly over the dream-filled, hangover-blurred classroom. The teacher stirred and, after a pre-emptive scratch and a post-emptive belch, pulled a bottle of Jack Daniel's out from the bottom drawer of his desk and lit a cigarette.

"Mister Tubbleworthy? There's no smoking in school." pointed out Jerry Winterweather after the teacher's awakening stirred the class from fanciful dreams of one day having a hangover of Rock fuelled by alcohol instead of Pixie Stix and Jolt to the fanciful reality of having a hangover of Rock fuelled by Pixie Stix and Jolt instead of alcohol.

"No, Jerry? Have you not heard of Brownsville Station's 'Smokin' In the Boys Room'? What about Mötley Crüe's workmanlike cover, with the amusingly tongue-in-cheek Rock video, of that tune?" inquired the teacher between drags of the Marlboro and slugs of whiskey.

Jerry quickly flipped open his desk, paused to gather his thoughts, then rifled through his notebooks of Rock. After finding his History of Rock notebook, he took a deep breath and said a prayer to the Gods of Rock, then started searching through it, seeking the appropriate subsection (Crüe, Mötley - Pain, Theater of). The teacher sat patiently, napping as Jerry read through his notes.

"Ah." said Jerry. "It says here that '...it is widely known that smoking is not permitted in school'."

"Ahem..." ahem'd the teacher.

"I mean..." sighed Jerry with a sigh, "'...ehv-ree boh-dee knows that smo-kin' ain't allowed in school'."

"Much better." said Mr. Tubbleworthy as he got up from his chair, shuffled wearily and wearily shuffled to the Class Achievements board and attached a sticker to the English of Rock square beside Jerry's name.

"Class, does anyone know the first rule of Rock?"
"First Rock, then recess, Mr. Tubbleworthy."
"...and the second rule of Rock?"
"Rock for recess!"
"Very good, Cindy. Gold star!"
"Hurray!"
"Ahem..."
"I mean, Rock hard!"
"Rock hard, Miss Berfheimer. Rock hard, indeed."

"Sniff." sniffed Jerry after bounding from his desk to the board and scratching the sticker, a Scratch and Sniff. "Mmmmm. It smells like a Roadie."

"That it does, Jerry." said the teacher, affectionately patting his long, disheveled hair. "That it does."

"Mifter Fubbleworfy? Ifs almoft lunchtime. Will we haff time for finger painting thif morning?" asked Richard "Nicky" Mendelbaum.

The school bell rang its three-chord ring before the teacher could reply.

Pity. thought Mr. Tubbleworthy as the students filed out for lunch. Nicky would Rock hard as a lead vocalist, if only he could lose that unfortunate speech impediment. As it stands, the best he can hope for is drummer...