Helmet (band)

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Origin New York, New York, USA
Genres Acapella
Years active 1989–1998, 2004–Present
Members Page Hamilton
Christopher Reeve
Mr. Bass Player Person Man
The Ghost Of Rick James

Helmet is a polka band created by mongoloid Page Hamilton in 1989, with the help of his personal care provider. Over the years, the members that have been picked out for the band have either died, become progressively worse in their disabilities, or simply "acted out" in the form of self-defecation, temper tantrums, or things of that nature. Causing their place in the lineup to be compromised. As of 2009, as a result of these incidents, Hamilton is the only consistent member. Though, as he has approached the age of 50, he, himself, is expected to die soon. He can't win for losing. So needless to say, the clock is ticking...

How They Came To Be[edit]


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Page Hamilton was born in 1960 and promptly thrown in a trash can, after it was discovered that he was infected with downs syndrome. Otherwise known as mongolism. This, and a bunch of other bullshit about the affliction is all we know about his childhood. His provider kept on bragging about how wonderful he was, and the people interviewing them just got sick of it, and left the issue alone.

As far as the band goes, they were formed during a play date in their New York group home, in 1989. The name of the band, itself, was derived from an apparatus worn by the guitar player, due to his tendency to constantly trip and fall over things. The purpose of it was initially for Page to keep up on his social skills, and to refine his talent for babbling incoherently to song, but when his provider noticed that there was actually money in the music industry, things took their own course of action from there. He hired a professional songwriter, told the band just to "act natural", and before they knew it, their debut Strapping Our Seatbelts On! was completed. However, as their luck would have it, it sucked, and failed to produce any singles.

Rise, Fall & Resurrection[edit]

Page Hamilton, 2010

Intercope Records took sympathy on the band after noticing the shockingly low sales for the debut, which were literally in single digits, and officially signed them on Christmas Day, 1991. Immediately, within the first five minutes, spur of the moment, the band proceeded to record the highly successful Here's A Song, In The Meantime.... Their sophomore effort. Despite the lack of any written material during the time of its recording, it's surprise success was due in part to Page's new medication to combat symptoms of his disease, and the title track (which went to #1 on the Billboard charts in 1992).

Following their rise to acclimation, the band went on a year-long world tour with Barney, playing Elementary School auditorium's, baseball games and church socials. Things took a turn for the worst one night, however, after the band took turns flogging the dinosaur during a rare acoustic performance of "I Love You, You Love Me". As children cried, and parents hurdled to the doors, they were escorted off the stage by security, reportedly in tears, which put a permanent dent in their reputation. They were then sent back home, and punished for their bad behavior. One of the repercussions of their punishment being that the tour was officially called off. Now referred to in the aftermath as "the nancy boys of Rock", every following album has also taken a complete nosedive, performing even worse than the debut. The band and their caregivers would eventually see the follies of their ways, and proceed to break up in 1998.

After the breakup, Hamilton was placed in foster care, and a varying string of behavior modification classes. Deemed fit to socialize again, he recorded his first solo album in 2001, entitled Your Best Friend In A Time Of Need. Not seeing much success with the release, nor making any new friends, Helmet got back together in 2004. Over the next couple years, they proceeded to make two more albums, entitled Why Should Our Size Matter?, and Mongoloids Unite. Both of which tackled the occasionally taboo subjects of height, weight, and even the topic of their own disabilities. The latter release was recorded in front of a live audience, through a Memorex tape recorder, who slept through the entire thing. For... well, obvious reasons, they were complete failures, as well. Nothing worth mentioning. See "Discography".

In 2007, they released a song called "Vengeance Is A Very, Very Bad Thing". Ironically, given the band's history, it can be heard in many instructional, and inspirational DVD's, through their many efforts supporting anger management. Most recently, in 2010, the band released their seventh album on Sesame Street records, titled Blind People Are People Too. Their most successful release since everything they've done following the second album.


1990: Strapping Our Seatbelts On!
1992: Here's A Song, In The Meantime...
1994: My Best Friend, Betty
1997: Bleach Has An Icky Aftertaste (Don't Drink It)
2004: Why Should Our Size Matter?
2006: Mongoloids Unite!
2010: Blind People Are People Too


1995: We Can't Help That We Were Born This Way
2004: Let's Join Hands And Sing: Helmet's Greatest Hits