~ Slippy Toad on garbage“In soviet Russia, garbage throws out YOU!”
~ a Russian reversal on garbage“Garbage day!”
~ Ricky Caldwell
Discovery[edit | edit source]
Garbage was discovered in 1970 by noted ecologist Dick Cheney, who himself is garbage (that helped him). Prior to the discovery of garbage, unwanted items and refuse were thought to be created by a process of "spontaneous generation". This theory held that waste was assembled at the subatomic level by exceptionally tiny flies. When exceptionally tiny flies were shown to exist only in close proximity to screen doors, scientists began the research which led to the discovery of the garbage molecule.
Uses[edit | edit source]
The discovery of garbage has opened the way to a number of significant techno advances. The theories of Nobe Peas Prize-winning physicist Carl the Sling Blade Guy showed that garbage can exist in verbal form, a breakthrough which allowed Republicans to use the internet for the first time ever. As a result, AOL's stock experienced record-setting orgspasms.
Using garbage as a renewable fuel source has been enhanced by the discovery of a process that converts the contents of mobile home lots into energy. Since 1983 more than twenty million broken refrigerators and rusty transmissions have been recycled, allowing the energy demands of Bill Gates' mansion to be met at least sixteen days per year (and twice on Sundays). Also worth mentioning is the euphemism (waste) for remains.
Garbage men also use garbage juice (the green stuff that comes out the bottom of the sack) as a very nutritional drink. If they are hungry they will also raid the bin until they find something like a banana peel.
Interesting side effects of garbage[edit | edit source]
Just like all other elements have their spin-offs and variations (wind's dust storms, water's acid rain, etc.), garbage was the initial reason for inventing the garbage can. While it was originally hailed as "the best thing since sliced bread", a variation (the dome-topped swinging-door type) inspired the popular cartoon character, The Juggernaut (Bitch). A dub of an episode of X-Men by a team of black people brought widespread fame to The Juggernaut character. One would be within their right to then claim that the element garbage is responsible for the Juggernaut, and also giving several black people a job, giving garbage plus-five points over George W. Bush.
Criticism[edit | edit source]
As of this writing, garbage has never been John Q. Publicly recognised except on The Jerry Springer Show, a highly-rated television program featuring live elephants being devoured by polygynous lesbians.
Controversies[edit | edit source]
Garbage is not just junk. Some see it as the most beautiful thing on the planet, to wit the homeless.
Atomic structure[edit | edit source]
The garbage molecule is composed of two helium atoms, one hydrogen atom and fourteen Diet Coke cans. Leading physicist Habib Puddentane theorizes that the molecule is mildly unstable – although Puddentane himself is mildly unstable, having publicly threatened to "slap himself silly" over what he describes as "the rampant misuse of Kool-Aid™ products".