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From today's featured article
Have you, dear reader, found yourself chained to an aging confectionery monstrosity, its pipes wheezing, its vats bubbling ominously, its accountants sobbing quietly in the walls? Has a government man (always beige! always damp!) slid a letter under your door explaining that thirty percent of your life’s work now belongs to them?
Thirty percent!
That’s not a tax, that’s getting bent over and done up your rear!
*tips hat, snaps cane against the floor*
Fear not. Willy Wonker is here. And I assure you, I have handled this exact situation with the grace of a ballerina and the ethics of a feral raccoon. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)
- ... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
- ... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
- ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
- ... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
- ... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
- ... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?
- ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
In the news
- UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday (Pictured)
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Ravens fans hiding in a corner after yet another choke
Recent deaths: The penny • Udo Kier • Jimmy Cliff • Warner Bros. • Sheen Estevez • Chet Ubetcha • Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs' season • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Dallas Cowboys' season • Patrick Mahomes' backup's ACL
Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Indianapolis Colts' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually • 2025
On this day
December 27: National Anniversary Day, Invention of the Artificial Vagina, International Last Thursday of the Year Day
- 42 - 9th anniversary of the first anniversary.
- 1831 - Charles Darwin boards the HMS Beagle, and begins his lifelong mission to undermine God and all that is decent.
- 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev is promptly "dealt with" by the KGB. Long live the glorious Soviet Union!
- 1969 - Boxing Day causes many deaths from internal bleeding as its meaning is misinterpreted.
- 1990 - World Peace War declared on UNO by UNO members
- 1999 - Eye losht thie annyoual seplling be tanks two thie vord anywarsary.
- 2004 - Deciding that he does like Mondays, Chuck Norris kicks Bob Geldoff into tomorrow
- 2005 - 5th anniversary of the universe exploding violently.
- 2007 - Major cleanup after Boxes from Boxing day wipeout half the human population.
- 2008 - King Kong does Eeyore in the honey tree, Donkey Kong is born!
- 2009 - People discover what boxing day is actually about, it is promptly canceled.
Picture of the day
 |
Captain Obvious on the Titanic. Image credit: PiOfFive |
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- Requested articles – for inspiration, or lack thereof
- Village Dump – to throw angry invectives at other users
- Community portal – for general community shenanigans
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