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From today's featured article
You've read the title. I know what you want, dear reader. I bet you were TikToking down the rabbithole when your mother blew a hole through your door with a C4, and asked you to read seven long-ass books that nobody has the time for in this decade! (That TikToking doesn't do itself right?) And then you said something, like "First of all, what the hell mom, blowing a hole through my door. Also mom, seriously, I don't have time for this... gawd... get off my back. I have two hours of TikToking to do and then a Mario Kart Wii session... on my Wii!" Your mother smacks you over the head with forty-three door-stopping Harry Potter books, and a constant supply of shitty, smelly novels! And when you tried to complain, your mother unbelievably said, "What the hell did you just say to me, Billy? I'll have you know that I'm shart, and you're sooo fucking dump." You stare at your mother in disbelief. No modern parent tells their kids what to do, let alone telling them to read outside when it's -30°F! You'd freeze your dick off! Well get ready Billy, because if even the thought of reading Harry Potter in less than a minute has already blown your brain to Mars, then reading this page would've surely blown your brain to Jupiter. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)
- ... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
- ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
- ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
- ... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
- ... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
- ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
- ... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?
In the news
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
- Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win
- Starmer announces plans to make tweeting illegal in the UK (Pictured)
- Trump given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for ending war he started 3 hours ago
- Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs
- UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Venezuelans unsure whether to freak out or celebrate • Bills Mafia and Josh Allen drinking themselves to death • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016
Recent deaths: Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Buffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenure
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • The Kansas City "Chiefs" • Denver Broncos' Super Bowl hopes without Bo Nix • Aaron Rodgers' career • Bills' Super Bowl window with "Mr. Bean" failing upwards
On this day
January 21: Drink Until It Stops Hurting Day
- 30 AD - Supply Side Jesus patents cure for leprosy, sells treatment for thirteen drachmas.
- 1503 - The first handgun is designed, launches the shooter's hands towards the enemy.
- 1781 - Benedict Arnold, tired of being called "Eggs Benedict" by George Washington, defects to the British.
- 1850 - Millard Fillmore installs the White House's first bathtub.
- 1954 - Leni Riefenstahl writes, directs and stars in propaganda film, "Both Sides Were Bad, M'Kay?"
- 1991 - First ever "Yo-Mama Joke" is told. Violent bitch-slaps shortly follow.
- 2017 - Millions of feminist activists and Antifa super soldiers march in the streets, murder innocent shop windows.
Picture of the day
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Mr. T is a beacon of hope in our cold and dark world. Image credit: RadicalX |
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