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From today's featured article
Hello and welcome to our one hour special on the American Man, brought to you by cool, refreshing, Coors Light! In the next hour, you will learn the ins and outs of being a true man according to our sponsor, Coors Light. Silver Bullet!
Many of these qualities are (or should be) entirely obvious to any man living in America, sitting on his couch with his dumbass friends, a plate of wings on the coffee table, and a frost-brewed Coors Light in his hand to wash it all down with. However, for those wishing to study the subtle mannerisms of the species, for lesser men hoping to become less of a wimp (or straight), or for annoyed girlfriends/wives who are sick of repressing their rage for their beastly better halves, we present the following crash-course in manhood as our sponsor, ice cold Coors Light, would have us do so. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)
- ...that Ram Ranch really rocks?
- ... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
- ... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
- ... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
- …that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
- ... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
In the news
- Time travelers protest Trump's inauguration, reveal we're stuck in a time loop
- Taylor Swift and Hailee Steinfeld set for Celebrity Deathmatch as Bills-Chiefs halftime show
- TikTok gets banned and unbanned in the US within 24 hours.
- Who's performing at Trump inauguration? (2025)
- David Lynch dies, weird town to investigate (Pictured)
- Los Angeles Rams rest starters in playoff game to disastrous results
- Donald Trump given three Nobel Peace Prizes
- Donald Trump uses his get out of jail free card
- California's real estate market is on fire... literally.
- And in shambles.
- Steve Guttenberg comes to the rescue... without those goofy sound effects
- South Korea's president arrested for "accidentally" declaring martial law while ordering pizza, sentenced to play in the Squid Game
- Trudeau resigns after making a mess for a decade, Canucks rejoice
- Alcohol gets the Surgeon General's Warning for cancer; sparking "Dry January" chaos
- Jimmy Carter kicks bucket at the ripe old age of 100
- Panama Canal faces ominous threats from both global warming and Donald Trump
- Google reveals least popular searches of 2024
- Luigi arraigned for gunning down health insurance CEO; pleads not guilty
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel–Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • College football championship game • Another Josh Allen/Patrick Mahomes playoff game. Spoiler Alert: refs rig game for Chiefs again
Recent deaths: A CEO who died peacefully and surrounded by his loving family • Greg Gumbel • Jimmy Carter • Liberal Party of Canada • Aaron Rodgers' career • Jean-Marie Le Pen • Peter Yarrow • Anita Bryant • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Bob Uecker • Dame Joan Plowright
Upcoming deaths: TikTok • The Kansas City Chiefs Refs season • Bashar al-Assad • Diddy's freedom • Jay‑Z's career and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Your New Year's resolutions • Los Angeles • Israel–Hamas conflict • Laura Palmer
On this day
January 22: National Cover-Up Day
- 0 - The Messiah was definitely born to a virgin and not the result of a time-travel religion scheme.
- 1605 - Guy Fawkes was definitely not a secret Protestant double-agent trained to make Catholics look bad.
- 1914 - The squirrels had absolutely nothing to do with the assassination of Franz Ferdinand.
- 1952 - Adolf Hitler is obviously not swimming in the frozen Arctic sea as a merman after a radiation experiment gone wrong.
- 1977 - AIDS was not at all created by the FBI and pinned on the CIA after they won the inter-agency tennis match last summer.
- 2001 - The Twin Towers were definitely not brought down by the Swedish as revenge for all the shitty Ikea jokes.
- 2016 - The perfidious Russians never spent millions on Vermin Supreme's presidential campaign.
Picture of the day
The future of coffee vending machines is here! We shan't be lied to anymore, and when we press the button marked coffee colored water we will actually get that, and not frothy double glazed cappuccino! Or vice versa. Image credit: Modusoperandi |
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