Why?:Is My House Mad At Me
“Ya gotta believe in yo'self, Bilbo Baggins... honeybunch...”
~ A house on being supportive
As a typical up-and-coming schizophrenic on the go, you may be wondering: Why is my house mad at me? This guide should not only help answer that question, but clear up any problems you are having with your house. In a week or two, you should be well back on the way to asking pigeons for advice and yelling at telephone poles. If you are like the common schizophrenic and don't own a house, fear not! This guide can be applied to any talking building. If you aren't a schizophrenic now, don't worry, just keep reading: you'll become one soon enough.... having found this article is proof enough of your unstable mental state.
If your house is mad at you and you aren't schizophrenic, then something very, very different is going on. Perhaps you live in Narnia? Whatever the reason, it's important to know why your house is angry at you and this guide will help you. Caution, this guide may also be mad.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
What type of house do you have?
I know you're not crazy, and you know you're not crazy, so let's just assume for the sake of my sanity that your house is actually talking to you, regardless of what your friends and family and the police might say.
Usually, houses are very calm and subtle: Even when they're angry, disagreement is usually only shown when little things break inside them. They are very passive-aggressive that way. They're usually like your mother-in-law in that respect. Like a stuck up poodle, your house can become angry if you don't pay attention to it once in a while, especially if its basic needs aren't attended to now and again.
Happy houses are not only pretty to look at, but are very adept at compliments. Don't let your house get carried away at parties, however, as it is likely to steal all your thunder as a host. The last time a house hosted a house warming party, things got a little kinky, if you know what I mean. You don't, do you?
Angry houses can be very disconcerting, especially if you're living in one. It will probably sound EXACTLY like your father, probably constantly screaming and calling you filthy names. Now, you might like being called filthy names - that's your decision - but most people find it disconcerting when the closet giggles at them.
If you find your house giving you helpful advice, you may be on an old PBS show, and you may be an occasional guest on Home Improvement, depending on what exactly the advice is that your house is giving. If it's telling you to take off your clothes, for example, it may not be your house at all that's speaking. You may just have a simple case of wall pervert. If it's making gurgling sounds, splurting mysterious liquids from random openings such as cracks in the wall, and being generally creepy, you may be in a horror film. If it's selling pancakes, you may accidentally be in a stupid pancake-themed restaurant. If it's home to a bunch of weird 80s people with no jobs, you may be on a terrible sitcom. If your House is an angry doctor that solves mysteries, you're either really screwed up, or your House actually is angry at you. I know that you aren't crazy; hell, YOU know you aren't crazy! If your house believes you, so do I.
Is your house talking to you because it's infested with ghosts? Well, don't worry, they'll be around for a very long time, just try to dodge the knives they'll throw at you. ...and yes, it IS your fault.
Always consider also that you may be on an alternate plane of existence where houses can talk to you...
You're a person on a mission
If you actually do live in a talking house, you may be in Narnia or Lord of the Rings or some such mythical adventure story. In this case, you should pay close attention to the house's gentle, booming voice. If you live inside the house this should be easy, because you'll basically already be in its stomach. You shouldn't dilly-dally, however! That ring won't destroy itself! Now, go along, little hobbit, and leave the talking house with blinking eyes and a sassy black-stereotype attitude alone.
If you happen to meet any more talking houses along your journey, it's probably either (A) the heat, (B) the wizards, or (C) the hot wizards. In any case, be sure to bring your thorazine.
Why is it mad at me, daddy, make it stop!!
Houses can, over time, become cranky. Usually it's the little things: not having coasters to put your cups on, slamming doors, being rude to guests, all the usual stuff that would make any house angry. (DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ACTUALLY ARE A HOUSE, QUIT READING NOW.)
There are some rooms in the house that are very sensitive. Are you hogging the bathroom? Think of the bathroom as the house's anus. (DISCLAIMER: IF SHIT IS COMING OUT OF YOUR BATHROOM, YOUR HOUSE IS PROBABLY HAUNTED.) If you spend all your free time in there, the situation could get, well, messy...
The attic is like the house's hairdo. Would you want tiny little things living on your scalp? Well would you? In this case, the house won't use shampoo to get you, it'll just GET you (if you know what I mean). You shouldn't go into the attic because your house will get you. (DISCLAIMER: YOUR HOUSE WILL GET YOU.)
The basement, like the bathroom, is like the house's "glutius maximus" so to speak. It's a very sensitive area for anyone, especially giant, sentient buildings that you can live inside of. Would you want little people living in your butt? I wouldn't. I don't know about you, but I sure as hell wouldn't.
- STEP ONE: Make sure your house is "feeling good". You can communicate with your house in many ways. Some well-respecting people communicate by putting letters on the fridge and waiting for a response. I prefer screaming at, and banging my head against, the walls until I hear the voices again.
- STEP TWO: Treat your house right. Instead of spending money on your girlfriend, spend money on your house. Get it a few gifts and take it out to dinner. Make sure it's nice and happy before moving on to the third step.
- STEP THREE: be loving to your house. Do a few of the chores that your house has ignored. Make sure that it's happy. You don't want your house (or apartment) to think you're an inconsiderate asswipe.
You wouldn't think so, but living inside of an angry building is ill-advised. Houses can be angry in many different ways. If you have an emo house, be careful that you're not in it when it commits suicide. If your house is more like a "bad cop", then don't piss it off. If you're a scofflaw, you probably shouldn't be living inside a police station or any building that thinks it's a cop. That's just crazy (not like you). Because having an abstract emotional concept angry at you is, if possible, even worse than having a building angry at you!
Houses that are dangerously angry may show a few signs before they finally eat you alive. Do you get shocked sometimes when you touch a metal doorknob? Does the house creak at night? Do chandeliers tend to randomly fall off the ceiling when you are conveniently under them? Do you repeatedly hear your house bellowing "I'M MAD AT YOU, YOU MORON!! NOW GET OUT OF HERE!"? These are all signs that your house may be VIOLENTLY ANGRY at you. Don't worry though, there's usually a three-day lull in hatred before your house finally...well, let's just say that your experience living in that house will become very, very ill-advised. Let's just say that... Let's go with that and say no more on just how ill-advised it will become. Let's go with that. (Think the Hulk + the Tyrannosaurus in Jurassic Park)
What to do
Whatever you do, do NOT make it more upset than it already is. Be sure to call your house a few times a day just to see how it's doing. If it doesn't answer, it's probably reallllly upset. Don't bother going back home until you pick up some flowers and some coasters. Houses hate ring marks on the tables. Trying to set up an appointment with a group therapist between you and your angry house is often a good way of working out issues. (Of course, actually getting your house to the therapist's office is a whole 'nother issue.) If you feel that you've generally lost all hope of having a peaceful relationship with your home, try moving into a trailer. They are generally much more emotionally docile. Unless you tickle the thermostat. They hate that.
If you really want to make it happy, wipe your feet and, every so often, just give your house a hug. It's a small gesture, I know, but it could make all the difference. Maybe a kiss before you go to bed will do the trick. The biggest piece of advice anyone who lives inside an angry house can receive is to make sure to check under your bed every night. And the closets. And the ventilation. Houses that are mad have an endless array of tricks up their sleeve. ALSO, THEY'RE INVINCIBLE!!
If after all this you realise that your house is actually not mad at you, maybe it's actually made at someone else, or perhaps you're just not listening hard enough? Maybe your house is paranoid about what you might think of it? Either way I hope you aren't eaten alive tonight...because then I couldn't sell you my 10 tape series, Why is your house mad at you? for $29.99!
Good night, dear reader, and sleep well.
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