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From today's featured article 

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NEW DELHI, INDIA -- English rock legends Pink Floyd, while visiting India, were killed by the Great COVID-19 Corona Virus Disease Pandemic of 2020. This happened just a few hours ago, while the band were attempting to entertain the infected citizens of India.

Wait, we have new reports coming in. In fact, Pink Floyd were not killed at all by coronavirus; those were fake news. The real news is that an Indian lady monkey clitoris was circumcised by religious fanatics, just for being pink. No way this is for real ... let me check that again.

Oh, I see. Sorry about that. What REALLY happened is that the movie Joker totally came true. Some racist cop murdered a black rapper for no reason, and the protesters killed Batman's parents in return. That's right. No, I ain't kidding. This black dude was called George Floyd. No English band was killed and no monkey clitoris was cut off. A black man was murdered by the police. Not the band The Police. The actual American police. Yeah, I know. What the fuck. Oh, and also Trump is at war with Twitter now. He keeps tweeting racist stuff, and Twitter keeps putting its knee on Trump's neck, by labeling all his tweets as racist. It's pretty cool, I guess. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that in Rhode Island any marriage where either of the party is an idiot and/or lunatic is considered null & void? And therefore, almost everyone in the state is, technically, a bastard? (Pictured)
  • ...that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
  • ... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
  • ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
  • ... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
  • ... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
  • ... that this is why we can't have nice things?
  • ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?

In the news 

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Trump pictured holding up his project in front of his friends. They're all delighted.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Israel/Hamas and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk) • Chicago Bears winning the preseason • K-pop: the movie doing surprisingly well

Recent deaths: Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network/Adult Swim/Toonami on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3)

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates • Chicago Bears' regular season • MSNBC • ROBLOX • Cracker Barrel • Lil Nas X

On this day 

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August 30: Intentional Dyslexic Devil Worshipper day

  • 0 - devil worship is invented by emo lord Hebert.
  • 986 - A devil worshipper gets tricked into selling his soul to god.
  • 1585 - Devil worshippers are saved from being burned in the stake after the inquisitor concludes they were only cursing "dog"
  • 1992 - Devil worshippers are confused and name their religion the Church of Santa Ana.
  • 1994 - Eugene Victor Tombs begins his search for the horizon.
  • 1997 - Devil worshippers go to an apartment in New York for their pilgrimage to Stan.
  • 9199 - De vil foll woers f era KY2 com ptuer suh t down t o be teh end of a ll mnaknid. T om Cr uis e cure s Sa nat of his dysle xia thro ghu Sci en tolog y.
  • 2001 - Confused devil worshippers vandalize walls by spray painting 999 on them.
  • 2004 - Gorgoroth released their new album with Dyslexic Satan worshipping become the new subgenre called "Tarzanic Black Metal"
  • 2005 - A dyslexic devil worshipper sells his soul to Santa.
  • By 2010 it is projected that there will be over 900,000 dyslexic weevil dorshippers in the world.
  • By 2015 it is projected that 60% of all dyslexic devil worshippers will worship Santa, 30% will worship Stan, and 10% will worship Satin.
  • 3001 - The Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything is discovered along with the question that it is the answer to. Simultaneous knowledge of both causes the Universe to vanish from existence, which is replaced by something even more bizarre.

Picture of the day

Zoloft Seppuku
 Though Zoloft has been very successful in its ad for fighting depression on American television, it's had difficulty adapting its campaign for Japan.

Image credit: RadicalX
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