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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Are you the kind of person who is interested in telling other people what to do? Easily swayed by religious texts? Have an itchy trigger finger and a fondness for big red buttons? Do you have a pulse? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you might be the kind of person who'd enjoy being President of the United States! It's true, just about anybody can be President. The guy pictured on the right is no more qualified than your milkman or some random guy on the street, yet he made it to President and is having the time of his life. That could be you! Becoming President will not be easy though, so this handy guide is here to help you every step of the way. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)

... that in Spanish, "chinga tu madre" means "have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
...that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?

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In the news [edit]

Clearly not Deion Sanders vouching for his son

Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank
PBS and NPR to lose funding
Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout
Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide (Pictured)
Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him
Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian
World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church
Trump Administration prepares to deport everybody except Native Americans
New Easter Bunny is a fascist

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Eurovision • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • SWAT teams on guard for the "chicken jockey" scene of A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers

Recent deaths: Jay North • SPOILER: Joel • Pope Francis • Shedeur Sanders' career, before it even started • Lar Park Linkin • Gawr Gura • Toxicity • Girl-kisser and Harriet the Spy soundtrack artist Jill Sobule • Ruth Buzzi • LeBron James' playoff run

Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's chance at freedom

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On this day [edit]

May 4: "May the Schwartz Be With You" Day

1904 - USA begins first efforts to curb illegal immigration with groundbreaking of Panama Canal, separating North and South America.
1953 - Ernest Hemingway awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his maritime opus, Shark Tale.
1960 - John Prescott wins the first of many pie eating contests.
1961 - Martin Luther King has a dream about going to school naked.
1978 - First recorded use of totally lame Star Wars May 4th pun by 8-year old girl. Parents cry, bullies begin to encircle.
1980 - Ronald Reagan loses in a winner-take all paintball tournament sponsored by Jodie Foster.
2004 - First annual Nigerian Email Writers Convention held.
2005 - The entire country of Portugal secedes and moves to Canada.

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Picture of the day

A WWI-era Jarhead recruiting poster helped to bring many new recruits into the beloved US Marine Corps.

Image credit: One-eyed_Jack
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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 39,816 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.