Pittsburgh Steelers
“STILLERZ GAHN'TA SUPRR BAWWLLLL! YEHAHAHAHHAAAAAA!”
The Pittsburgh Steelers are an (according to upper management at least) professional American football team that is based out of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Created between 50 and 80 m.y.a based on Carbon-13 dating from their first Super Bowl trophy, the Steelers are widely considered to be one of the cornerstones of the NFL that is only rivaled by the Patriots in terms of Super Bowl wins. (Mis)managed by Art Rooney II as the owner and Mike Tomlin as their head coach, the Steelers are perennial target practice for the two-seed every year in the playoffs due to extreme levels of incompetence both on and off the field, which is only accepted by the fanbase because of their aging trophy case of Super Bowls that are often older than the very fans that support the organization.
History[edit | edit source]
The ass era[edit | edit source]
The main author of this article, as well as the second guy who helped out, were both not alive prior to anything before the 1990s, but the early "Stiller histaareeee" goes a little something like this:
Founded in 1933, the Pittsburgh Steelers had terrible, 1930s-era uniforms that looked like bumble bees. They never made the playoffs during their first 40 years of existence, and in one year, they combined with another poverty-ass franchise, the Chicago Cardinals, to form the Carpets, a team that went on to truly become the doormat of the league and the most poverty franchise of all time.
The Bradshaw/Franco Harris/Steel Curtain/actually good era[edit | edit source]
Somehow, after a bunch of teams from some "American Foosball League" joined the NFL, and after more than two teams were allowed into the postseason, the Steelers suddenly got good, beating the living shit out of their new AFC rivals with the likes of Terry Bradshaw, a batshit crazy linebacker miscast as a quarterback who sucked at throwing but excelled at tackling all the poor defenders who intercepted all his terrible passes, Franco Harris, a giant, bruising running back who once famously caught an "immaculate pass" thrown by Jesus Himself because Bradshaw couldn't throw, and Jack Lambert, an actual, bat fuck insane linebacker missing all his front teeth. You did not want to be tackled by this bat fuck insane linebacker. Nor any other member of the "Steel Curtain" defense, including "Mean Joe" Greene, a guy so mean the stuck it in his name.
This ragtag squad was good enough to win a bunch of 9-0 games each year, getting to the playoffs constantly and even win FOUR SUPERBOWLS!! Definitely a different era of football, but to this day, "Blitzburgh" (or rather "Shitzburgh") continues to insist on this gritty but boring playstyle, as it is the "Steeler way" according to the Rooney family.
The Kordell Stewart era[edit | edit source]
After years of smashmouth football played by big mean rednecks and a few other black guys, the Steelers eventually got a black guy named Kordell Stewart to play QUARTERBACK! Like Bradshaw, Stewart did other stuff aside from throwing, but instead of tackling, Stewart could also RUN THE FOOTBALL AND CATCH! A BLACK RUNNING QUARTERBACK?? BLASPHEMY!! This caused many Yinzer brains, both within the Steelers' organization and Steeler Nation fandom, to short circuit and melt. It was the 1990s, ya know?
When Stewart, AKA Slash, refused to be shoved down to receiver so that some prototypical white statue could suck at throwing in his stead, he got set up in a park so that people thought that he was a homo. Easy to pull off when the man has a spiffy sense of fashion, which was enough to cause the average Yinzer to think he was gay in the first place. It indeed was the 1990s after all, ya know?
The Bill Cowherd era[edit | edit source]
The Big Ben/Mike Tomlin era[edit | edit source]
Days of Our Steelers[edit | edit source]
Undoubtedly one of the best documentaries of all time, Days of our Steelers is an (unfortunately for most yinzers) ongoing series/parody soap about the continuous fuck ups from the modern-day Steelers franchise. Managed by the least disillusioned Steelers fan out there, Days of Our Steelers has managed to unite millions of football fans out there in taking the collective suffering, agony, and broken pride of Yinzers and shoving it through the media equivalent of a meat grinder for pure entertainment.
For the sake of clarity, the author of this article has provided the highlight reels of both Days of our Steelers as well as 'Congratulations Steelers!' which is just when the steelers shit themselves in the playoffs again and Tree has another axe to grind:
Super Bowl Appearances[edit | edit source]
The Prehistoric Era (everything before 1990)[edit | edit source]
This section would likely have a whole plethora of information-turned-punchlines about the Steelers running the AFC during the 70's, but considering no one other than Steelers fans born during the Stone Age even saw these games this section will remain empty (like the Bengals' trophy case).
Rivalries[edit | edit source]
Steelers-Ravens[edit | edit source]
One of the most iconic rivalries of the modern NFL, these two franchises have become known for effectively beating the shit out of each other for a solid sixty minutes to the league's entertainment. While both franchises have seen success in the 2000's, neither would ever admit to the other that they are one and the same with how comically incompetent they are in clutch moments. Because of this both teams often drag each other down when playing against each other to the point that the 'favored' side is usually just the one that doesn't completely fuck up every single drive. As of recently the Steelers and Ravens have been fairly equal in head-to-head matchups, but historically Ben Roethelisberger dominated them for the duration of his career.
Steelers-Browns[edit | edit source]
"Rivalry" is being generous here. While every team in the past decade has clowned on the Cleveland Browns in some way, the Steelers (and Ravens) 'running' the AFC North meant that they often got to beat on their rather helpless and broken brother in the form of free wins and good media ops. At one point it got so bad that Ben Roethlisberger had a better record in the Brown's stadium than the Browns did.
You can say that Steelers-Browns was an actual rivalry a long time ago, but once the original Brownies moved to Baltimore to become the Ratbirds, so did the rivalry.
Steelers-Browns Playoff match, 2020 season[edit | edit source]
Bringing up this playoff game is usually considered treason by Steelers fans. In an absolute shocker of a match, the Steelers went down 0-28 in the first quarter against the Browns in which Ben Roethlisberger threw four interceptions and looked like he hadn't seen a football game in his life. This disastrous loss to a division rival they were favored to beat was the final realistic playoff run the Ben would ever have and is now engraved in every Brown's fan as their equivalent of winning the Super Bowl.
Steelers-Bengals[edit | edit source]
Another old rivalry that in recent years has become geriatric and may be considered for being taken behind the shed and told to "look at the flowers", Steelers-Bungles had moments in the 1980s when a left-handed thrower named Boomer Esiason threw the pigskin for Cincy, but like Steelers-Brownies, has become a literal joke in recent years.
At least we have moments such as when Vontaze Burfict gave Antonio Brown permanent brain damage and turned him into The Joker, at the cost of Brown's remaining sanity, Burfict's "squeaky clean reputation", and Cincy's first playoff win of the Marvin Lewis era and in 40 years.
Mike Tomlin[edit | edit source]
I can't even think of a proper bit for this fucker.
A lot of NFL fans like to say the worst place you can be as a fan of any franchise is at the bottom: 1-15 seasons, draft busts all over the place, and a revolving door of coaching staff that never leave a mark more than the deeper gash they leave on the franchise's heart.
They are wrong.
In full honesty the major contributor for this article was born in 2003. I was too young to remember the Seahawks win and even the Cardinals win (I do remember the Green Bay loss, but that's whatever in the grand scheme of things). You know what I do remember as Steelers fan?
I remember the absolutely fucking disastrous Jaguars loss in 2017. That's actually one of the first games I remember well because of how hyped up we were that year. 13-3, Killer B's all healthy, and a team that could actually face off against the Patriots (mentioning the Steelers-Patriots regular season game that year is punishable by death). How do you as a seasoned coach with multiple super bowl apperances let Blake-fucking-Bortles torch you for 45 points? Aren't you supposed to be a defensive mastermind? Ben dropped one of his best performances of all time that game and you couldn't stop a QB that put up less than a hundred yards their previous game.
I remember 2018. I won't even bother explaining this, I'll let Tree do that with his documentary.
I remember 2020...11-0, "The Browns is the Browns". I'm not even mad at Shuscter for that
Modern Steelers football[edit | edit source]
Modern Steelers football can be divided up based on the time of the season:
The pre-season[edit | edit source]
This is where Steelers fans come together on various social media platforms and prohphesize the downfall of the organization, with the conclusion lying somewhere between Mike Tomlin being sent to the electric chair and Art Rooney II being banished to Baltimore. They will be told by sports outlets that are paid to talk nonstop that the Steelers will somehow be the first team with a negative record and that this season will be different from the last twenty-something years, which of course will be taken well by Pittsburgh media by responding with 'sports journalism is dead'. There will likely also be at least one holdout that amounts to absolutely nothing that is still blown out of proportion, because why the hell not and it's the pre-season.
The regular season[edit | edit source]
This consists of two possible scenarios, depending on the strength and ordering of schedule:
The 'saved' season[edit | edit source]
This occurs when the entire season falls apart due to unforseen injuries, players not panning out, coaching staff being so incompetent the Madden 'suggested plays' would probably be a better choice than whatever the fuck they're calling, or players actually holding out. This usually starts with the team going 0-2, then rebounding for a bit, and then seemingly collapsing completely headed into the final stretch...until Mike Tomlin seemingly saves the day by bringing them to .500+ and somehow managing to get them into the playoffs. Tomlin is hailed as a genius as his team is then dismembered by the two-seed like Vultures to a dying corpse.
The late-season collapse[edit | edit source]
The inverse of the saved season narrative, this is when the team seems like a true contender due to the front-end of the schedule being composed of JV rosters from your local high school and the back end actually being playoff contenders; this results in the media hyping the shit out of a team that is barely playoff contenders as a 'top five' only to get punched in the face by teams that can actually put up more than 200 yards of offense in any given game. This has shown in the forms of a 13-3 record to a blowout playoff loss at home, a 7-2-1 record to missing the playoffs entirely by dropping the last four of five games, an 11-0 start to a 12-4 disasterclass capped off by being mauled by the Browns (see "Steelers-Browns playoff match, 2020"), and most recently a 10-3 start to drop the final four and get demolished by the Baltimore Ratbirds. This will cause Mike Tomlin to initially receive intense flak from his critics, only to be vehemently defended by his fans for 'bringing such a weak roster to the playoffs'.
The off-season[edit | edit source]
This is when the Steelers management goes into damage control. They bring out old faces to rejuvenate a fanbase sickened by incompetence, Mike Tomlin will talk about "Not living in his fears" and "Playing football our way", and there will be vague messaging about 'real change' happening in the same way a third-world dictator convinces his vote base to vote him into office for life. Now most fanbases would have realized that this is nothing more than a lights show to cover up the massive levels of managerial incompetence that has rotted this organization to its core, but the .500 record has become the stalwart of Tomlin that proves he can do no evil...so he stays.
