“I hated this direction. Hated hated hated hated hated this direction. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant traveller-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would follow it. Hated the implied insult to the travelers by its belief that anyone would be rewarded by going in that direction.”
“Oh, wait, that came out wrong. I was talking about the film North. What, you never heard of it? THANK GOD!”
North is the technical term for up, or more correctly, up yours. When going North, you usually go to the top of a map or other drawing of the area. (In Asia, this is understood to be the best part of the map.) North is one of the five directions one can travel, and in the West it is by far the direction where the most white people live. Its opposite is South, where Hispanics live in fear and poverty while the North American people look on complacently, sucking on the udders of the capitalist heifer we call America. If North were a crucifix, it would be the only end without a nail sticking into Jesus.
Note that the Democratic People's Republic of Korea would never let Latin America suffer the way it does, were it in the US's geographic position. The DPRK cares deeply about everyone. Even Jesus, although the state is the only true religion. We love you, Jesus, but just as a comrade.
If you go far enough North, you will arrive at the North pole, which is where a giant pole made out of magnets has been stuck in the ground. After passing the pole, you will be going South instead of North, which caused much confusion to early explorers. This is why Native Americans are called feather Indians, when they're on the other side of the world from India, the land of dot Indians. In other words, those guys your people murdered so long ago are not the same guys providing you with tech support, okay? Imperialist idiots.
The tale of the discovery of North is wrought with peril and tragedy. In truth, an exiled group of Vikings were the first people to discover North. Of course, no one believed them. What is it with you white people? When you're not exploiting every other people of the world, you can't even live with your own kind.
The late glorious Kim Il-sung was the first to reach the North Pole. It was he who placed the magnets there, as a service to compass-holders across the world. This was unnecessary, as every good citizen can find North just by looking at the sky, but he did it anyway. He was always thinking of us, trying to make our lives a little easier any way he could.
Although in 1864 it was discovered that North as it was thought then was actually South. This was discovered by Charles Punting, the same man that discovered the town of Malmesbury (but that's a whole other story). Although we still use the "incorrect" North, scientifically referred to as "conventional North". Scientists use the "true North" (south in conventional North terms) for experiments and weather forecasting. The reason for this is that electrons flow in the opposite to what was originally thought, and go from negatively charged objects to positively charged objects. This is the same reason why electrical and aqua currents flow in the opposite direction to what was first believed.
Keeping North Holy
North is the object of study of cartographers. If cartographers hadn't proved that North is so great, we would call ourselves Korea instead of North Korea. Indeed, the only reason we keep the word "North" in our name is so that the world may know how great we are as a nation. Thus, cartographers are to be respected and revered.
This is one of the reasons that our citizens are not allowed to cross the Southern border into that lesser North Korea territory down there. In order to preserve the purity of North, we must keep it North, you know? Sorry if you get a little hungry where you are, citizens, but really, you should be more than satisfied with the food we give you. I mean, our Glorious Leader gets the same amount of food, and he's always a sexual dynamo.
The other reason we don't let people go South is that we store our nuclear weapons there, and we don't want anyone getting into those. They're top secret.
“I Don't Know is on Third”
Explaining how to find North is truly redundant. Every good boy and girl learns survival skills such as these from the cradle, so they can be good members of the Korean People's Army when they're old enough. If you are good citizen, skip to the next section. If you are a stupid foreigner, read this and then jam a fork into your eye, for you are already blind to the principles of our glorious state.
Some people like to use a tool for finding North called a compass. A compass is a circular disk with a needle that points north. The needle isn't North, but it points North. If you want to go North, do not go toward the needle, but go the direction the needle is pointing. Get it? Am I going too fast for you, capitalist scumbag?
People without compasses can use the sky. The sky is the blue or black thing above you, when you are outside. During the morning, the sun is in the East. Can you guess where the sun is in the evening? Keep in mind that I'm only being this patient with you in expectation that you jab a fork into your eye when I'm done.
At night, the the sun is not in the sky. However, the moon and stars might be. There is a star, called the North Star, that is in the North part of the sky. Like the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, it shines as a guiding light to everyone below it. Do you have your fork ready? Just look for the star that fills you with feelings of respect and admiration. That star is the North Star.
There have been other instances of North throughout the world, but none as glorious as ours. Here is a brief list of places in the history of North.
- North Germany -- North Germany was a prosperous country created by Stalin after The Second World War II. It was an inspiring example of how a country should be run. Eventually, though, it caved in to Capitalist pressure, and now it's a pile of rubble blemishing Germany's landscape. How the mighty have fallen.
- North Dakota -- The part of the United States closest to being part of Canada. Not bad, as those corporatist pig-dog states go.
- North America -- North America is a fine continent, with gold mines to the West and oil to the South. It will be even better once we bring it to its knees with our military might and add it to our prosperous empire.
The use of northern or north in the UK is different from other countries. UK North describes areas where the rate of interbreeding is greater than 75%. The only areas in the UK that is not classified as UK north is London. The term can be quite confusing, as a place like Exeter, which is in the south by conventional terms is classified as northern in the UK due to the high interbreeding rates. The most northern place in the UK is Manchester with interbreeding rates of up to 99.7%. Leeds is in the second most northern place in the UK and is notorious for interbreeding between grandmothers and their grandsons. The unbred's from the south rarely venture into this area, and it is often referred to as The Smelly Northern Inbred Wilderness. Northerners are subhuman. They are well known for their love of gravy and is a common aphrodisiac amougnst northern people. Without a constant supply of this brown elixiar northerners will shrivel up and die. The only way to revive a gravy deficent northerner is to directly insert 1 litre of gravy into the uterus, if lacking a uterus deposit gravy into sphincter.
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