Los Angeles Clippers

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Officials pondering what to do about the Los Angeles Clippers, a dumpster fire at the Staples Center

“In Soviet Russia, the Los Angeles Clippers... Shit, the Clippers stink.”

~ Even Russian Reversal can't believe how bad they are

“No one is a fan of the Clippers....You have never seen one, you don't know any, you don't even know someone who even knows one, they just do not exist”

~ everyone on on the myth of a Clippers fan

“Blake Griffin, bitch”

~ Typical Clippers fan on The previous comment

“Bandwagon, bitch”

~ Typical Non-Clippers fan on The previous comment

The Los Angeles Clippers is the name given to the retarded step-child of the Lakers.

They were adopted by deadbeat father Dan Sterling who is determined to make sure they remain a laughing stock.

History[edit | edit source]

The Buffalo Years[edit | edit source]

The fire actually began in 1970 on a barely considerable little iceberg on the Great Lakes called Buffalo. At the time it was referred to as the Buffalo Braves, because even back then only very brave people dared enter its flames. After burning there for eight long, fruitless years, citizens of Buffalo forgot all about it and it slinked away to a warmer place where it could burn stronger and brighter for years to come.

The San Diego Years[edit | edit source]

The fire received its "Clippers" moniker when it arrived in San Diego in 1978. The reason for this change was because it wanted to fool players into thinking they weren't entering an evil fiery furnace, but some shining new tall ship preparing to set sail for paradise. How wrong they were.

One of the most prominent players to be singed in the flames of its hell during this period was Bill Walton. His hair is still flame-orange as a result of the exposure to this very day.

The Los Angeles Years[edit | edit source]

The arsonist Sterling moved the conflagration to a dumpster in Los Angeles called the Sports Arena in 1984. It was here that Mr. Sterling stoked his greatest blaze ever (apart from that one in Portland). Each year, the fire consumed more hope for any success, and Sterling was well pleased.

So pleased was he, in fact, that he found a new home for his fire at the Staples Center in 1999. This location was already occupied by a gleaming tower of beauty and precision called the "Lakers". This tower today looms majestically over the little smouldering dumpster fire, largely oblivious to its presence. In fact, when people come to observe this paragon of perfection, they appear to have little care for the nearby disaster.

The Blake Griffin Years[edit | edit source]

The year was 2009 and the Clippers were sucking many dicks as usual, when all of a sudden they ended up with the 1st overall pick in the 2009 draft, and selected forward Blake Griffin. Griffin, however, anal raped Donald Sterling and then sat out for the 2009-10 because the Clippers were just a "bitch franchise" and were little more than a "flaming dumpster" (actually, the Clippers were a flaming dumpster, but that's beside the point.) Griffin accomplished this without being hated by faking a torn ACL.

However, in 2010-11, when Griffin realized he wasn't going to be going to the great and historic tower, Griffin, wearing red, the same colour as the Sooners, suited up for the flaming dumpsters.

He soon became one of the leagues most marketable players. In a game against the Los Angeles Lakers, Griffin, while making a historic dunk, pulled down Kobe Bryant's pants and sodomized his asshole, which was 50% larger by the end of the sodomization. Griffin scored 44 points while tapping Bryant's ass for virtually the entire game. At the end of the game, with the Clippers protecting a 1-point lead and Ron Artest had the ball, Griffin pulled his dick out of Bryant and raped Artest, who then died of an enlarged asshole (which increased sevenfold due to the anal ploughing.) However, the ball went to Bryant and he scored, meaning the Clippers lost again. Later Bryant was sore from his raping and forced Derek Fisher to give him a rimjob. In the next game against the Miami Heat, with all the best players out of the game (they weren't injured, they were scared), the Heat won 2-0 on a basket by Zyndrunas Iglaukas. So basically, the Clippers suck.

The Los Angeles Clippers Today[edit | edit source]

Mr. Sterling has vowed to keep this disaster raging in the Los Angeles area, despite a poorly organized local counter-effort. He has even taken to marketing the tragedy as a spectator sport, advertising the might and prowess of the opposing athletes that occasionally come around to mock and ridicule it with their skills.

Celebrity endorsement[edit | edit source]

Billy Crystal likes to watch things burn

While no civilians have been permanently harmed by the raging inferno, local celebrity Billy Crystal has reportedly suffered third degree burns while observing the calamity. Still, he can often be seen encouraging and supporting this conflagration despite its extreme self-destructiveness.

Criminal Investigation[edit | edit source]

As of yet, no arrests have been made in conjunction with this horrific tragedy, nor is there reportedly any official investigation into Mr. Sterling's activities related to it. The entire Los Angeles area remains completely indifferent to it, even as it sucks the life and soul out of fifteen otherwise well-meaning players.

Anyone with any information regarding this crime would be encouraged to contact the Los Angeles Police Department. Please.

The CP3 Era[edit | edit source]

Oh, now they have Chris Paul and lost their best scorer, woopdy doo. Now let's all jump on the Clips bandwagon and say they have a good chance at the playoffs which they probably don't. Let's just hope they can pull for Top 30 in the NBA.. Oh wait. Anyways, some "experts" (all 19 Clippers fans who camp in the parking lot) say that the clippers might have a chance to win 7 games this season, which would be their second most amount of wins behind the 2001 season where they won 4.