Jeremy Lin

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Jeremy Lin, as seen after going "on fire" in the video game NBA Jam Tournament Edition

Jeremy Shu-How Lin (born August 23, 1988) is an American professional basketball player who currently plays Point Guard with the Los Angeles Lakers of the National Basketball Association (NBA). Lin, who was virtually unknown to the world before February 2015, became an overnight sensation when he became the first Asian-American to actually play the game of basketball in a manner that would not make you vomit.

Lin was born in Los Angeles, California, yet was raised in Palo Alto. Lin attended Harvard University after high school, and majored in Cross-stitch. He eventually made it into the NBA, to the surprise of everyone, including himself. He is now one of the most dynamic players in the NBA, and is considered by some to be a future All-star.

The Great Experiment, the beginnings of Jeremy Lin[edit | edit source]

Easy E was notorious for dank weed. He also would drop the 187 with a dick in ya mouth biatch.

Jeremy Sho-Nuff Lin, was hatched August 23, 1988 in the basement of the Compton Community Center in South Central Los Angeles, California. During a late night session of the recording group NWA, Ice Cube claimed that no Asian person would ever be able to play in the NBA at any position unless they were over 7'3" tall. After taking a drag off the blunt, Easy E took issue with this statement and decided to create an NBA player utilizing the methods of famed geneticist Andrew "Dice" Clay. After combining the DNA of Kim Jong Il, Karl Malone, and Bentley Lee Farnsworth, he inserted the solution into a Cadbury Egg he had left over from his Easter Basket. After realizing the egg would melt under the heating lamps in their grow room, he decided to melt the egg and insert the solution into a Penguin egg he stole from the refrigerator of George Michael. Once hatched, baby Jeremy was placed with his parents Shirley and Gie-Ming, Taiwanese immigrants, in the northern California town of Palo Alto, where his father operated a bicycle repair shop that catered to the overwhelming blind population.

Jeremy Lin and his mother, Shirley, and father Gie-Ming. Though not aware of the existence of the sport of basketball, or the Brooks Brothers outlet store, his parents could not be more proud of their son, whom they believe to be working for the Hyundai Corporation as a Regional Vice President.

The Wonder Years[edit | edit source]

Junior High (When Winnie Left Me and I cried while masturbating into a sock to late night episodes of Step by Step)[edit | edit source]

Jeremy's childhood was filled with setbacks, disappointments, and shortcomings. Mainly though, it was filled with Dungeons and Dragons. After finding himself growing at an accelerated rate in the 7th grade, Jeremy decided to try out for the volleyball team. One of his father's customers told him that he would be happy to take him down to the gymnasium for tryouts. Randolph "Big Otis" McPhee, a local Palo Altonian, was well aware of the volleyball program at the local Junior High, and took it upon himself to acquaint young Lin with the sport most suited to Asians. Unfortunately, "Big Otis" was blind, and ended up leading him to the basketball tryouts instead.

Finding himself out of sorts, Lin decided to just copy what the skillful black people were doing. Soon, Lin had impressed his coach, his peers, and the fans in the audience. Given Lin's height and skill with such little practice, the coach put him on the team, much to everyone's amazement and pleasure. Jeremy Lin would be the first Asian-American to start in a junior high basketball game in California history. With Lin's leadership over the next three years, Spirow Agnew Middle School would go on to clinch the county championship in Lin's ninth grade year.

High School (When Winnie Just Heard Stories About the Tail I was Slangin' and I could care less)[edit | edit source]

High School proved to be much more difficult than Junior High. Rampant racism at Bayside High lead Lin to be benched behind the far inferior A.C. Slater from his freshman to junior year. Although most agreed that Slater was the inferior player, no one could seem to get past the passionate pleas of Slater's girlfriend, Jesse Spano, that catapulted him to the starting position. As well, Team Captain Zach Morris was very suspicious of how head cheerleader Kelly Kapowski was eyefucking Lin, leading Zach to secretly sabotage Lin's science project by proxy, through his lacky "Screech". Lin would never endeavour into the field of Quantum Mechanics again, and our world quite possibly has lost the best young mind in that field because of this incident.

California Cheerleading was never the same after teen debutante Kelly Kapowski crashed the Valley competition scene with her sweet smile, bronze tan, and plump sugar tits. Though never confirmed, it is widely accepted that Lin rocked that ass.

Coming of Age, Senior Year (Who the Hell is Winnie? and someone please get me some Penicillin, this shit hurts)[edit | edit source]

After 3 years of riding the pine, during his Senior year of high school, Lin crept into the statewide sports consciousness by being the first Asian-American in a state sponsored game to make a lay-up. Shocking the status-quo, Lin went on to score 34 points in the game, mainly because the opposing coach had told his players to "just let him shoot, Asians can't shoot!" Proving the bigoted coach wrong was timely, as the coach of the opposing team, Bernie Fine, was immediately fired for losing in such a manner, and sent packing to New York, as is the custom with most sports rejects in California.

After a meteoric rise to the top of Division II play in the California High School System, most pundits, including Nancy Grace, believed Lin would be recruited heavily by either UCLA or Stanford. After watching Lin play a pick up game outside of his father's bicycle shop against some customers, Stanford Coach Trent Johnson commented that "anybody could dominate the blind in basketball, even an Asian." Not receiving interest from any major California schools, Lin's secret benefactors decided to make a pivotal action. Dr. Dre, a major contributor to the Harvard Alumni foundation, being himself responsible for many notable African Americans attending Harvard, including Barrack Obama, called upon then Harvard basketball scout Skip Bayless to "get that nigga a spot, or feel the wrath of the street." Not one to disappoint, Skip immediately offered Lin a scholarship, as well as a promise he would be a starter by his Sophmore year.

Harvard[edit | edit source]

Lin burst onto the Division I scene in the 2007-2008 season, and as a sophmore point guard averaged 12.6 points per game, which oddly enough was the exact same number of points against the average Asian American's driver's license at the time. Lin was named to the All Ivy League Team that season, following Harvard greats they played for Princeton, umm...Dickie Greanleaf? he was a made up character in that shitty Matt Damon movie The Talented Mr. Ripley...well, anyways, following many great Harvard players who had come before him.

Lin, though known for shamelessly following the blind, somehow managed to generate a sufficient enough GPA to get a scholarship to Harvard, there by bypassing the known trappings of student loans.

Lin continued to dominate the Ivy League like a freak of nature, crushing many pedestrian Harvard basketball records, and shaking the very establishment of college basketball. Even Dick Vitale, head of the Japanese Internment Camps under Roosevelt and former Whig Party Presidential candidate, was quoted as saying "surely this guy just has that same disease Michael Jackson has and a bad case of the squinties."

Lin finished his career as the first player in the history of the Ivy League to record at least 1,450 points (1,483), 450 rebounds (487), 400 assists (406) and 200 steals (225). Many accredited his well rounded play to his superior ability to drive the lane as a point guard, prompting many coaches in the NCAA to disregard the unwritten rule to only recruit Asians to keep up the team's GPA, but actually allowing them to play now. While this has somewhat changed the game, the vast majority have been failures. Most notably William Hung was recruited by Notre Dame in an attempt to replicate the success of Jeremy Lin. During a conference game against West Virginia University in Morgantown, WV on February 18, 2010, a dominant West Virginia team pulled off a win against the Fighting Irish, prompting the fans to rush the court. Hung, 0-14 in the game with 1 assist and 9 turnovers, believed the fans simply wanted an autographed copy of Hung for the Holidays, and was subsequently captured and taken to the abandoned Triangle Coal Mine in Eccles, WV, where he was ritually sacrificed to the Norse god Njörðr in hopes of erasing the bad fortune brought upon the state by former Head Football Coach Rich Rodriguez.

NBA career[edit | edit source]

Dave Chappelle, aka "Silky Johnson", founder of the BACKDOOR PLAY civil rights group. While widely considered a failure for giving up on his syndicated cable TV show, Dave went on to fight, uncharacteristically, for the civil rights of other races, recognizing the need for racial unity.

Lin went undrafted in the 2010 draft. This prompted outrage on the part of legal activists everywhere, citing rampant racism in the NBA. Many legal scholars called for a challenge to the NBA draft based upon the 14th amendment as well as the Affirmative Action statutes. One academian of note, Dave Chappelle aka Silky Johnson, noted jurist and founder of the civil rights group Black and Asian Coalition against Knowingly Denying Others Of Rights and Perpetual Liberty and AffinitY (BACKDOOR PLAY), called upon President Barrack Obama to hold an immediate investigation of the NBA's policies against Asians. Obama, knowing of the support Lin had from his own benefactor, immediately held a secret conference with Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, and MC Wren, seeking their advice. After downing a bottle of Remmy and smoking a half an ounce of Marijuana, they decided the best course of action was to call upon the Golden State Warriors to sign Lin as an undrafted free agent.

File Photo of Texas Governor Rick Perry's office dart board. Don't mess with Texas

Golden State coach Keith Smart did not like the fact that Lin was forced upon him by the team's ownership, and was also jealous of Lin's lucrative endorsement deals with the PF Chang restaraunt chain and the North American Dry Cleaner and Tailor's League. Smart held Lin to a paltry 97 minutes of play in his first year in the league, not allowing Lin to realize his full potential. Lin was then sent to the NBA's D-League where he again dominated. Many observed that this was mainly due to the fact that most players in the D-Leauge are recovering Meth addicts, but this did not stop Lin's overwhelming optimism.

Going into the 2011 season, Lin decided to spend his time during the NBA lockout in China, playing for Esteemed Comrade Yao Ming's Dongguan Leopards (translated in English as short-untalented Leopards). Again dominating hopeless individuals that are not or should not be allowed to operate a motor vehicle, Lin garnered the attention of the international press. He returned to the Warriors with a healthy dose of confidence and an inocculation against Asian Bird Flu, only to be cut from the team on December 9, 2011. Lin was subsequently picked up by the Houston Rockets. Upon realizing that Lin was not legally permitted to be within the state of Texas due to anti-Asian legislation passed by Governor Rick Perry, he was traded to the New York Knicks for two towel baskets, a 1969 Dodge Dart, and an autographed copy of Dionne Warwick's 1966 album Here Where the Love Is. Houston Rockets Head Coach Kevin McHale was quoted as saying, "Though I thought Jeremy was a great addition to the team, you simply don't pass on the opportunity to listen to the soulful stylings of Dionne Warwick in their original format."

Bill O'Reilly, as seen in various men's bath houses preparing to barter for a cheaper price on "special # 2"

A dejected Lin arrived in New York to mixed reviews. Jay-Z reportedly praised the trade, saying "it can't turn out as bad as that Carmello Anthony deal", yet Spike Lee berated the Knicks management, saying "there's no fucking way you give up a Dodge Dart for anything less than than a starting forward." Public sentiment was growing against the Knicks as well, as they were looking at another season where they probably would not make the playoffs, and the scandal involving a company owned by Knicks PG Toney Douglas and a shipment of defective bed pans the company supplied to area nursing homes. It was later discovered the bed pans had hidden cameras in them, and the footage was fed to the pornographic website "", a site specializing in footage of elderly women defacating. The site later denied any involvement in the Douglas/Consolidated Bed Pan and Leafblower Manufacturing Company scheme. The NY state attorney general's office is still investigating Douglas's involvement with the nursing home/bed pan scheme, as well as his involvement in an alleged scheme to extract the toenails from dead homeless persons in the New York metropolitan area for the purposes of making Tic-Tacs.

In stereotypical Asian fashion, Jeremy celebrates a pedestrian task, such as this freethrow going in the large orange circle, by demonstrating karate, an art which black men prove doesn't work by beating Asian florists to a pulp and taking their money.

Amid the controversy, Lin made his debut with the Knicks on February 4th, 2012 against the New Jersey Nets. Lin made a dominant showing, amassing 25 points, 5 rebounds, and 7 assists. Head Coach Mike D'Antoni later claimed that he had planned this all along, even though fans on the sidelines heard D'Antoni asking Carmello Anthony "why is the guy from ticket sales in at point guard?" Many in New York and the media had doubts as to whether Lin could continue his performance. Mike Golic of ESPN's "Mike and Mike" show was quoted on his show stating, "beating the Nets is akin to beating a bunch of blind people outside of an Asian man's bicycle store in a pick up game." Undaunted by the criticism, Lin continued on in the next 4 games as a starter scoring 109 points, breaking the NBA record for most points scored in a player's first four career starts. While this is a decidedly obscure record, the entire country caught on to "Linsanity". Fox and Friends pundit Flavor Flav, after being told that linsanity was not a condition brought on by the practice of masturbating by humping a pile of bed sheets, said "Yeeeeaahhh Boyyyyee!", and drew a penis on the side of Bill O'Reilly's face, who had passed out on the set after snorting what he found in Gretchen Carlson's purse. It turned out that Bill had snorted 14 grams of Valtrex, a herpes medication Gretchen has used since a sexual encounter with Malcom Jamal Warner, the actor who portrayed Theo on the Cosby Show.

Though the entire story of Jeremy Lin's career has yet to be written, many are hopeful that his presence in New York can finally make Spike Lee, as well as their team, relevant again.