Magic Johnson

"Shit, I forgot I can't dunk!

Earvin "My-Ass-Got-Infected-Coach" Johnson is a retired NBA superstar of the Los Angeles Lakers. Magic led the team to a million NBA championships and drew a great rivalry with the only white man in history to not suck in the NBA, Larry Bird, of the Boston Celtics. He will forever be remembered as the only non-gay man in the world to contract the AIDS virus.

“Don't worry about a condom, babe. I'm on the pill!”

~ Whore on sex with Magic Johnson

Magic Happens

Earvin is one of the greatest NBA players of all time, he could dribble the ball at a million miles an hour and nail a shot from 1000 feet away from the basket... but for a 6'8 black man, for some reason he couldn't dunk, making him not THE best player of all time. But Magic was magical, and although he couldn't dunk, he could pull a rabbit out of his hat and distract the opposing team long enough with a fluffy white bunny to run around them and score. He also used to do a lot of scoring off the court, which is how his ass ended up infected by HIV. Magics other powers were slide of hand (aka hand-sliding), mirror and smoke hook shots, and his most amazing trick... he could swim.

Magic's defensive strategy involved grabbing players by the nipple and squeezing tight!

The Assisting L.A Magic Man!!!

Magic was visited by a midget in 1968 named Gary Coleman who asked if Magic could help him become a superstar in the NBA? So Magic cast a spell on him and turned him into a 7'4 powerhouse in the NBA under the alias, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Later on towards the end of Johnson's career, he lent his hand in the arts of black magic to a young superstar who would ask Magic, "Can you make it so I can have sex with any girl I want?", so Magic waved his magic wand and turned Kobe Bryant into a rapist.

Magic Birds

Magic Johnson would have epic battles between 1856 and 1907 against his best friend and missus, Larry Bird. Larry would lead the Boston Celtics to a record 9000 NBA finals against Magic Johnson and the La Lakers. Their battles on the court where epic, or at least, so the people who where around at the time say, as most kids these days only remember when Michael Jordan came along and shit all over both of these guys.

AIDS

Magic was infected with the HIV virus in 1992 as punishment for returning Gary Coleman to regular size when they needed Kareem the most at the end of the 80's era. Gary took his revenge by giving himself AIDS from Richard Simmons, and then they passed it onto Magic Johnson. Johnson never ended up dying of AIDS, even though medical experts announced that he wouldn't likely make it to the year 2000. This caused Fox News host Tucker Carlson in 2018 to question if Johnson had actually contracted AIDS, and if it was an attempt to steer attention away from it being "mainly a homosexual disease." Johnson has been a long-time supporter of the Democratic Party and many high-profile democratic candidates.

Return to the NBA

In 2015, Magic Johnson cast a spell on himself and cured his AIDS, he then stormed the L.A Lakers locker room and kicked Kobe Bryant in the nuts and told him to fuck off, or worse yet, join the Clippers. With Kobe now out of the way, Johnson returned the Lakers to a respectable basketball club and went on to win another billion championships again now that Kobe wasn't hogging the ball and Michael Jordan wasn't around to shit all over him anymore.

Magics Powers

• Magic Johnson's Johnson has sperm that can glow in the dark.
• Can't dunk, but he can dribble around your mommas fat ass like lightning.
• Can make midgets into giants.
• Can kick Chuck Norris' ass in a game of Twister.
• Has the power of Grey Skull x 4

Your UnComprehensive Guide to the World of Basketball