New York Knickerbockers

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MANHATTAN, New York -- The struggling New York Knickerbockers are a distant last place in NBA attendance figures this season, largely due to their jaw-dropping ineptitude on the court. But Nets management does not think they need to assemble a winning team to get people to come, they believe they simply need to concoct the most irresistible promotion that mankind has ever devised.

So for the remainder of this season, the team has no plans to win any of their games. Indeed, they have only won six out of sixty as of this writing, so winning any more is a silly idea anyway. Instead, Nets management has devised a series of innovative promotions that are certain to fill their empty arena.

With these amusing and novel ideas, Knickerbocker management expects the games to be more entertaining than ever. They encourage fans to show up in huge numbers. And to lose any notion of witnessing quality basketball when they do.

Sources

• Willis Reed
• Patrick Ewing
• Amar'e Stoudemire
• Carmelo Anthony
• Aleksei Mendeleevskiy

Your UnComprehensive Guide to the World of Basketball