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“I thought this article was about someone else”

~ Alan Partridge on on this article
Soméone Else as a AT&T salesman.

Jean-Jacques Pierre Soméone Else is best known for holding a position as the French ambassador to Mexico from 1972-2001 (except Tuesdays). Before and during this lengthy diplomatic tenure, however, Soméone Else had many, many impressive accomplishments. These were accomplished during this time, also accomplishing things that were numerous in number. The accomplishments were many and far between. Of all the things, myriad were those of Soméone Else's doing. Being of things to be done, many were of Soméone Else. Of Soméone Else were the doings of a myriad of done things.

The Early Life[edit | edit source]

The great war.

Soméone Else was born in a trench to a French soldier during the Great War; Soméone Else's records show he was born in Elsewhere, or αλλού, or Ailleurs, or somewhere with a similar name. Unfortunately there is a village or town with that name in every country, so we cannot know for sure where in the world Someone Else actually popped -- squalling and kicking -- into the light of day. (Or night, given the time difference between Elsewhere and here).

Soméone Else's mother (who smelt like fish), Stephanie Louise Adrienne de Elsé, had disguised herself as a man so that she could join the army with her lover, Berthe Soméone, and they could face the dubious fortunes of war separated, while sneaking off together between firefights and making desperate and furtive love to the cadence of bursting shells and automatic weapon fire --their nostrils filled with the amorous scent of mustard gas and sweet sweet death, as their cold fingers groped at dirty straps and buttons, straining for freedom from the heavy restrictive fatigues, caressed heaving sweat-soaked flesh. Berthe thrust his throbbing love organ into the quivering jelly of-- Anyway, they finished up, and it came to be that Stephanie grew heavy with child. Nine months later, she bore the child in the same muddy trench, with the aid of a wandering minstrel/midwife, who played a bawdy tune on a lute with his left hand, while delivering the baby with the right.

Growing up in the trenches was tough for little Jean-Jacques. He had very little food, and no playmates other than a little German girl who would sometimes visit from across terra nullius with a massive Hitler toy.

Soméone Else grew up playing arcane sports with incomprehensible rules, and eating strange foods that would give the rest of us the bubbling heaves. While the was little in the way of formal education in the trenches, Soméone Else went to a school none of us ever heard of, and graduated from a university somewhere else again.

Adulthood[edit | edit source]

Currently working at an abstruse job doing something absolutely not understandable, Soméone Else had had an exemplary career. Soméone Else has a family (or possibly not) but its structure and traditions are alien to us. Soméone Else participates in a sort of politics that we cannot grasp, and still eats weird food.

The Famous Exploits of Soméone[edit | edit source]

Setting Up People Bombs

Soméone Else is famous in the underground for having allegedly set up several groups of people bombs. This is however a misunderstanding, as the majority of the bombs were actually set up for and by people.

Culinary Exploits

Soméone was briefly a cooking hobbyist in between larger, more noted achievements. While cooking, Soméone Else could often be found in the kitchen with a mysterious "Dinah". It is also rumoured that Soméone Else left a cake out in the rain in McArthur Park. A friend, Richard Harris, lost the recipe and couldn't take it. Soméone Else has insisted to this day it was someone else.


Soméone Else, being extraordinarily wealthy, would often pay for things with no prior knowledge of or involvement with. Unfortunately, this generosity eventually led to a downfall, as people began making promises that Soméone Else would pay for things when Soméone Else had no knowledge of this expectation. As can be imagined, the crushed expectations of monetary consummation caused many to be wroth indeed, and many people became very angry at Soméone Else for not paying them what they had been promised.


Soméone Else's most extraordinary achievements, however, are in the field of politics; in numerous nations, cultures and political economies the world over, across the whole 20th Century, Soméone Else has always proven more popular than the current incumbents, and their fiercest opponents. In the great UK 1922 General Election, it is true, many many people were fond of Andrew Bonar Law's conservative party, not to mention H. H. Asquith's Liberals (but I haven't mentioned them, so let's just disregard that detail). But far, far more people would have preferred Soméone Else; but alas, he lacked the courage and conviction to put himself forward. And in the 80s, when Thatcher asked who had the policies to lead Britain into greatness - a multitude responded in utter desperation,"Soméone Else - please please please let it be Soméone Else"!

Even moving forward into 1990s Russia, following the Soviet Collapse: sure it's clear Yeltsin was a popular bloke, but millions of Russians came out on the streets in support of Soméone Else, for it was Soméone Else - not the self-absorbed Yeltsin - who actually had the drive, the ambition, and most importantly the expertise to lead Russia to victory. And even today, amidst the Republican Presidential Primaries, pollsters note with keen interest, but also confusion, the vociferous public interest in the merits of Soméone Else; to them, the apt political tout of Bachmann, the amnesia of Rick Perry, or the adultery of Cain, are nothing in comparison to the rhetorical and political genius of Soméone Else.