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World War I

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World War I (WWI or WW1 or World War One), also known as the First World War or the Great War, was created in 1972 by Myanmar documentary director George Lucas to further cash in on the popularity of the smash hit World War II.

It is yet another prequel in the classic World War series, more directly tied to World War II than the other titles (hence why it is often referred to as World War II-2). The film was routinely criticized for its edgy, dark themes and the massive number of on-set deaths (estimated 16 million).



Our story begins in the year 1914. Tensions between European countries over an ancient grudge due to some stupid wars that aren't very relevant anymore got them to have a hatred for each other, and the ones that actually liked each other decided to join up on a Discord Server called the Allied Powers and the other ones who liked each other joined up on their server: The Central Powers. Apparently some angsty teen decided to assassinate an Arnold Schwarzenegger man who was some kind of leader of some Austro-Hungarian empire simply because he was Austrian. (Racist ...) If Austro-Hungary who are very very hungry had not joined the Central Powers Discord server then the ensuing bullshittery wouldn't have happened, but unfortunately news of this action spread like wild fire in the Discord and soon all the Central Powers members got really salty over some weird man who looks like Robbie Rotten. They then did the best thing any country could do to calm down a country in a big alliance that hates you: attack that country. In response to the salty Austrians attacking them, the salty Serbians fought back and the attack on Serbia enraged its really salty friends on the Allied Powers Discord and they quickly started dosing other countries and ultimately turned into a shit storm.

Assassination of Arch Duke Pirate Man by an edgy teenager (1914 colorized)

Western front

Soon after war broke out Germany's leader, Mr. Pirate man that looks like a pirate, decided to attack France and the French bravely retreated as always until Verdun where for some reason the Germans lost even though they could've clearly gone around Verdun. They enraged Britain as well so France and Britain started a gang war with Germany. This happened until America finally got bored of watching and put an end to it. France and Britain "won" finally thanks to the Americans otherwise the war would've gone on until the end of time, and the Allies began to sexually harass the Germans with an oppressive treaty that no one liked an out of shear desperation to fix their now third world country decided to elect a certain Angry Austrian man with a tiny mustache. The Italians got rekt by the Austro-Hungarians most of the war, because their military sucks ass just like it does later in the story arc. Luckily things turned for the better and the Italians started winning. After the war the Italians got jack shit for land gains and got angry and a certain Italian midget to take over and give birth to fascism.

Eastern front

Then the Serbs were getting gang raped by the Austrians and the Bulgarians and this made Russia mad, but Russia being a super lazy fatass that day decided to attack later, and that proved to be the worst thing to do as the Austro-Hungarians and Germans made like Donald Trump and managed to establish a defensive border on Russia's western border and by the time the Russians "attacked" the Central Powers it was too late and a bunch of perfectly good young slavic men died for no goddamn reason and the Germans just made the wall ten feet higher to stop the illegal Russian "immigrants" from coming in. Eventually some (dumbass) guy named Lenin got sick of this and took over the the Russian Government and pulled Russia out of an oppressive regime and a pointless war, only for him to oppress the poor slavs under a new oppressive regime. This ending to the Russian story was the biggest plot twist of the entire story.

Something that happened in Ching Chong Land

Then the Chinese had some dispute over whether or not to be ruled by some dumbass king again and made some bullshit empire that lasted only two years. Wow what a complete waste of time.

The Middle Eastern front

Then the Australians decided to attack Central Powers member: Ottoman Empire over some stupid oil or some shit and invaded Gallipoli. This beach invasion was D-Day's retarded cousin that had IQ points below zero, but then the British went on a big rampage in the middle east and with the help of Arab-wannabe British man T.E. Lawrence took down the Ottoman Empire. France and Britain didn't know what the fuck to do with the new desert wasteland they acquired, because all it was good at giving them was oil and sand to make glass out of, so they gave it back to the desert savages, but unfortunately forgot to remove the borders they left so those borders instantly formed the Middle Eastern countries of present day and there are people of different backgrounds stuck living with each other and so some bullshit civil wars erupted over nothing.


On the political front, we see the birth of two alliances. Here we see the United States and Great Britain begin their relationship, one that would be so key to the plot of the later episodes. We also gain background information on the "on again-off again" relationship of the US and Russia. In the early part of the film, Russia and Britain are in the classic "the enemy of my enemy" mode, in a dramatic scene, Russia leaves Britain out to dry, freeing up German forces to crush the British because the Russians of course were too lazy to do anything. Many claim that this "betrayal" was a fairly obvious plot device to have the Americans ride in and "save the day" as always because apparently people are to lazy to settle their own problems. Cynical critics lampooned this plot device as tired and unoriginal pandering to the lowest common denominator, but the crowds ate it up!


Comic relief

We see France take the role of the hapless comic relief, brought forward more than the annoying Italians in World War II who had received very negative feedback from the audience (especially Mus Mus Solininks). The French army is hopelessly unable to fight the German onslaught, but they doggedly keep trying! Audiences were caught up in the comedically grandiose schemes to "get those rascally Huns", knowing full well the plan would again fall flat, with hilarity ensuing. One good example of this genius comedy is the French Nevielle Offensive of 1917 which was intended to push the Germans out of France, but it flopped flat on its face from its inception. Apparently those little baguette men got to cocked sure after they "won" the Battle of Verdun even though in reality the German High Command just got bored and left. We of course see the same types of antics in World War II, but here the director was clearly addressing the complaint that France was out of that film after the first few frames. Also addressed in this film is the issue that America had been featured too heavily in World War II, so Tarantino included America only in the last five minutes as the Doughboys just dance across the battlefield and win anyways. The most hilarious part of the film was when the British invented these cute little tractor things called "tanks" which would quickly become a staple of modern warfare and sent them after the Germans. It was hilarious to see three hundred of these metal boxes on wheels charge German fortifications at the Somme.


On the Antagonist side, many complained that this movie was too political, too difficult to make the leap of logic from the death of one country's Crown Prince, to an all-out war. Initially one was led to believe that Austria-Hungary would be a protagonist, or at least somewhat excusable for their actions, but here again direction and screenwriting fall on the same tried and true formula, painting Germany, Austria-Hungary and the Ottoman Empire with the same broad brush. The antagonists basically devolve into almost "cartoon bad guy" mode. In one memorable scene, the chief antagonist, the Wicked Kaiser of the West (who looks like a pirate), actually twirls his mustache while laughing at the latest dastardly deed he has planned! The Kaiser's chief subordinate Baron von Richtofen (yes, that one) seems almost invincible, mowing through waves of Allied fighters unscathed. In what many saw as an anti-climax, this unbeatable villain is felled by a farm girl from Kansas, played by British premier Judy Garland with a bucket of water and an attack dog.

The verdict

The story ends on a fairly unspectacular note, which is no doubt an obvious setup for the classic magnum opus a couple decades later. However, that is often seen as a tired excuse by frustrated fans wanting more, who instead see it as yet another aspect of the franchise's creative bankruptcy. Many also see this as a lesser film that falls into the "die-hard fans camp out in line" category, while more cynical viewers of the storyline may just wait for the DVD release; I would like to offer a contrarian opinion. I do recommend viewing the film, if only to have some questions answered about the rationale and causes of later events, but it does pale in comparison to the classic.

(3 out of 4 stars) Slackerboy Goes to the Movies!

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