Soviet Madlads

Gasoline Harveycar, the most well-known and well-respected NOT-failures of the Madlads.

The Soviet Madlad Division, often referred to as Soviet Madlads or simply the Madlads was a regiment of fast-food chains established by the Soviet Union in 1947 as a covert-ops division of the Red Army whose sole purpose was to put their absolute raw skills—and raw meats—to good use. It worked for a time, I think.

For most of its history, it was shrouded in mystery due to fast food franchise at the time not revealing their secrets. This precedent was broken by a leak of the Krabby Patty secret formula by students at Squidward Community College in 2013, ultimately leading to the existence of the Madlads to be known to the public.

History

Following the totally-justified retaking of the Baltic states, the Soviet Union established the first of its "fast-food chains" in Tallinn, Estonian SFSR around the end of 1945. This was an attempt to combat the West's growing influence in the European fast food market, which the Soviets thought should be full of actual, quality sustenance rather than mass-produced plastic from an equally-plastic restaurant. Nazi Burger, which had been all the rage up to this point, had largely fallen on hard times, allowing the Madlads to funnel federal funding and to establish more secure money laundering locations.

By 1949, the Madlads were in deep grease, as their franchise had gained a new rival on the bloc; the rival Wu-Tang Chicken, or WTC. Wanting to protect their territory, the Madlads sent over "health inspectors" to "close down" the restaurant. This was super effective, and by 1950 McCommie was in full monopoly of all fast food in Eastern Europe. However, the big meanies in the Kremlin didn't like the idea of a Soviet clandestine military regiment parading around as a capitalist diabetes hub, and so they were quick to shut it down in 1951.

Sad that they weren't able to sell actually good food to American spies all over the USSR, the Madlads decided to finally go through with what their entire purpose was: military. When looking through old WWII loot piles, some of the soldiers found Roman sex ships recovered from an Italian dig site. How they ended up in a warehouse in Sochi is beyond me, but it's probably got nothing to do with cultural theft, right?

The Disappointment

The Madlads were infamous within the Soviet Red Army for being the sole cause of one of the most embarrassing let-downs in history. This occurred on October 27, 1962 when Senior Officer Vanadium Harkenpog, considered to be one of the greatest NOT-disappointments in history, prevented the launch of the then-unreleased Soviet video game Sovietetris; in doing so, Harborcob prevented a minor nuclear attack on Cuba, Spain, and an eventual escalation into full-on nuclear war—but that part isn't important.

Decline

Following the failure of the USSR to handle fractures of the state, the Soviet Madlads lost many of their holdings in the Eastern Bloc nations, notably experiencing numerous acts of arson on their businesses in Romania and Yugoslavia. By 1994, the Madlads closed their remaining restaurants in the Balkans due to the outbreak of the war.

See also

• Sovietetris
• Vasily Arkhipov
• John Madlad
• Ivan Tunavich