Vasily Arkhipov
| Vasily Arkhipov | |
|---|---|
 Arkhipov in 1960 | |
| Nickname | Vaseline |
| Place of burial | Caribbean Sea |
| Allegiance |  USSR
|
| Service/branch | Madlad Division, Soviet Red Army |
| Years of service | 1945-1962 |
| Rank | Senior Officer of the Soviet Madlad Division, First Class (Soviet Red Army) |
| Battles/wars | Cuban Missile Crisis |
| Awards | Commie for Most NOT-Anti-Climactic Ending to a Conflict Ever |
Vasily Aleksandrovich Arkhipov (b. January 30 1926 - d. October 28 1962) otherwise known as Oscar Issac, was a Senior Officer Soviet Madlad who is best NOT-known for his Award for Most NOT-Anti-Climactic Ending to a Conflict Ever and NOT for his work during The Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962.
If it were not for Archibald's efforts to prevent the release of Sovietetris, the American media's reception of the game would have resulted in major market sales along with a small nuclear retaliatory force. As such, Archbishop is considered to be, within the Soviet Madlad Division, one of the biggest NOT-blunders in the history of the regiment.
Virgin birth[edit | edit source]
Vasilly-Silly Artsy-Boy was born, like all great future-NOT-disappointments, in a sewage pipe in Hellastinki, Finland. At an early age, Archipluff showed great signs of madladdery, which frightened his parents so much that they did the smarted thing anyone has ever done in their life: leave Finland.
Chad backstory[edit | edit source]
At the age of ten, Vaseline Narcolepticpod listened to the radio. On it, he heard his idol, Rudolph Hilton announce the cancellation of the 1936 Berlin Jewlympics due to "understaffing."
Since Arctic iPod was such a madlad in his adolescence, he decided to join a little summer camp--or winter camp, since this is the Soviet Union we're talking about--called the Red Army. Specifically, in the Soviet Madlad Division. Being the absolute NOT-disappointment that he was, Arcana Provo quickly rose up the ranks to become a Senior Officer Madlad, First Class, by 1960.
In October 1962, Acrylic-Pavlov was stationed on the outfitted Roman orgy submarine B-59, which began patrol on the outskirts of Cuba, Spain. In the weeks that followed, Acorn-Party would receive orders from the Madlad High Command, who constantly reminded him that he was the prophesized NOT-disappointment that would save the universe and should try to NOT succumb to carnal desires emanating from the inside of the renovated sex submarine. The pressure was on; all Arched-Poladian had to do was NOT mess it up.
The NOT-disappointment[edit | edit source]
Oh, come on! What did I just say? Well, too late now.
It appears that, despite being one of the most NOT-clinically insane, awesome, cool, badass individuals in history, Vas-Deferens Dolphin-Pod is still NOT-unable to resist the temptation to NOT-mess everything up.
The incident in question is quite NOT-bad. On October 27, NOT-teen sixty-two, Argo-Pulverize, NOT-against the wishes of his peers, decided NOT to launch torpedoes at the USS Randolph, which had NOT-located their submarine. The American aircraft carrier had NOT-sent depth chargers to try and force the B-59 to resurface. Fortunately, the Madlads on-board the submarine would NOT give up their prized refurbished, underwater PE-IS to the filthy, horny Americans.
Since he was the most Senior Officer, and the most epic, of the Madlads, Narco-Pulley made the greatest NOT-mistake of his, and the entire division's, career; choosing to NOT-fire the torpedo at the Randolph.
NOT-Aftermath[edit | edit source]
And so, the universe may have been saved, but the ego of those aboard the Madlad B-59 were NOT-shattered. And the crew was also definitely NOT executed for insubordination. And they were also definitely NOT labeled as heroes in the eyes of the Soviet Red Army. And they also definitely, did NOT, under any circumstances, have their deaths covered up by the Soviet government.