United States Air Force
The United States Air Force is a military body composed of men and women who like to sit. Airmen go through military training camp to learn how to sit. In boot camp, Sitting Instruction Trainers (S.I.T.s) challenge airmen to sit in reclining chairs in the air conditioned office environment. Drills include sitting, reaching for a beverage, positioning a chair, sitting, browsing the web, adjusting chair height, and sitting.
Airmen rely on chairs to carry out the US Air Force mission. Once in the field, airmen naturally gravitate toward the break room environment and the countless chairs it contains. The US Air Force operates the most advanced reclining chair in the world, known as the S1t. For more information about US Air Force mission and technologies, see Chairs and Chairs. For an overview of US Air Force operating locations, see Chairs.
What is an Air Force?[edit | edit source]
An Air Force is a military body composed of men and women who like to sit. Sitting is difficult, particularly in the break room environment, and recruiters struggle to find qualified candidates. To increase recruiting and retention rates, the US Air Force has provided competitive facilities that match commercial facilities. Steven Requiro notes:
"We have televisions. We have computers for web browsing. Our break rooms exist and are air-conditioned. Snack rooms provide nourishment rich in refined carbohydrates and fatty acids to airmen facing exhaustion from sitting. Energy drinks line refrigerator shelves to keep sitting airmen alert and on the go."
A common misconception about Air Forces is that they contain aircraft. The new battle occurs via the web, and aircraft are no longer sufficient to stave off the enemy. Pressure to monitor the web has led Air Forces to abandon aircraft technology in favor of cyber technology. Instead of flying, today's airmen sit.
A new bill slated to pass the senate proposes the realignment of the US Air Force name and mission. As more airmen sit, the US Air Force becomes more of a sitting force. The new bill proposes the name given the US Air Force by the US Marines, Army, and Navy: Chair Force. Upon hearing the bill, Army infantryman shouted his support for the new bill:
"Yes! Oh-Ohhh! Yes! Totally, so totally. I support this bill and all other bills like it. I never thought I would see the day! Oh my god. Where is John and Mark, I have to tell them - Hey! Hey! John! Mark! You will never believe, the coolest bill every to go through the senate floor! Come here! Come herrrrrrre! Yes, you!"
Who Joins the Air Force?[edit | edit source]
People who like to sit. Individuals with an affinity towards chairs do well in the Air Force.
Sitting Waivers[edit | edit source]
Requirements to enlist in the US Air Force are stringent. You must be capable and willing to sit. A wide rear end provides increased surface area to absorb the physical stress of sitting. If you cannot sit for extended periods of time, or if a mental disability requires you to get up continuously, you should consider other ways to serve your country. The US Air Force provides no sitting waivers to prospective airmen. Airmen are pushed to the limit with break room reclining chairs, and a disability precludes successful completion of the mission."
What is the Recommended Preparation for the Air Force?[edit | edit source]
Sitting. Individuals without the ability to sit for extended periods of time do not do well in the Air Force. A strong desire to sit is important. Easy access to chairs provides the best opportunity to practice sitting. Seek out individuals with different types of chairs and request that you use their chairs to sit. If you do not have access to a chair, the US Air Force recommends that you assemble a pile of clothes to a height of 3 feet. General Vauthrain comments:
"The clothes provides a level of cushioning that approaches that of a reclining chair, the primary sitting tool employed by the United States Air Force. Improvise with clothes and linens if you cannot access a true reclining chair."
About the US Air Force[edit | edit source]
The US operates the most technologically advanced Air Force in the World. Continuous investment in new technologies provides the US Air Force with the air supremacy it needs in the fight against terrorism. The proof is in the pudding:
- Advanced break room facilities that provide world wide web browsing to all airmen
- Snack bars that provide food and beverages rich in refined carbohydrates
- Cable-equipped TV equipment that provides access to Word news, comedy central, and HBO
Break Room Environment[edit | edit source]
US airmen fit naturally into the break room environment. In the break room environment, airmen sit, browse the web, get up, and sit again. The difficulties associated with the break room routine weigh on airmen of all ages. Suicide rates remain the leading cause of death in the US Air Force. Experts agree the break room environment is a major stressor for airmen, and the most likely cause of the high suicide rates.
Sitting and Sitting Competitions[edit | edit source]
Airmen spend the majority of the day sitting. Proper sitting technique is important for survival in and out of the break room environment. Drill instructors challenge new airmen with sitting techniques few are exposed to. Airmen who cannot cope with the difficult sitting techniques wash out to make room for those who can. When airmen graduate, they sit among the most experienced sitters in the world. Sitting becomes an integral part of the airmen's life. Throughout their careers, airmen participate in sitting challenges with recognized sitters from all over the world, including sitting specialists from the National Sitting Agency (NSA). According to the International Sitting Association Table (I.S.A.T.), the internationally recognized sitting body, members of the US Air Force have won eleven of the last ten sitting competitions. Peter Vanguard, the sitting executive officer (S.I.O.) of I.S.A.T. comments:
"US Airmen are remarkably good at sitting. Few can reproduce the sitting technique of a US airmen, and so they lose in sitting competitions. US Airmen are so good at sitting, they make statistical measures very difficult to use. We are still trying to understand how US Airmen have won more competitions than have been held. Is it physically possible? Statisticians, physicists and mathematicians have produced rigorous proofs that the result has no physical meaning. But US Airmen have done it. They are the best. We need a whole new Mathematics and Physics and Statistics just to match the sitting skill of our airmen. Watch out."
Nourishment for Sitting Airmen[edit | edit source]
Proper nourishment is important in the break room environment. Because Airmen spend the majority of their time in the break room, leading officers continue to advocate the value of a large snack bar. Break room snack bars are large, and accommodate nearly ten thousand snacks and beverages at any given time. Snacks are rich in refined carbohydrates to support airmen facing exhaustion from continuous sitting.
Uniform Change[edit | edit source]
In 2011, the US Air Force assigned a special committee to investigate a change of uniform for airmen. With the new mission to just sit, the current uniform fails to provide the camouflage that protects airmen on the field. Colonel Boucher remarks:
"When a Marine goes to the desert, he wears desert camouflage that conceals his presence from the enemy. When an airman sits, he wears a camouflage designed for the jungle or desert environments. But his actual environment includes chairs that range in color from light gray to dark gray. The new sitting mission requires us to rethink the uniform design pattern. The camouflage must blend in with the chair environment, not with the desert, and not with the jungle. Proposed patterns include a pixelated design that contains different shades of gray. The pattern is pulled directly from a sampling of office chairs sold at office store outlets throughout the world. It is a very thorough process. We want to ensure that when an airman sits in a chair inside an air-conditioned break room, that airman is concealed from the enemy that stands outside that office. The new pattern will do that. It will protect our airmen. The goal is to enter a break room full of airmen and not know they are there. You should wonder where everyone is. That is the change we need."
Sitting Related Tasks[edit | edit source]
During sitting, airmen watch TV and browse the web. Both tasks are essential to the national security of the country. To support airmen watching television and browsing the web, the US Air Force provides multiple flat-screen TV screens and high-performance computing platforms that run on a continuous basis. The department of USAFTCM (US Air Force Television and Computer Monitoring) measures television and computer usage during the work day. According to Helen Pradoff,
"The television never shuts down. The computers never shut down. Those guys in the break room are hardcore. They watch television and browse the web on a rolling basis. We are lucky to have young men and women so dedicated to the national security mission of watching television and browsing the Web."
The department of USAFTCM provides official statistics on television and computer usage:
- Television usage - 98.05%
- Computer usage - 97.89%
Several broken televisions keep the rate artificially deflated at 98.05%. Use of smart phones, tablets, and personal computers provide alternative means of browsing the web that leave a small number of computers unattended at any given time.
The department of USAFTCM also provides official statistics on top viewed TV programs and websites:
Top viewed TV programs:
- Cat House (HBO)
- Tosh.O (Comedy Central)
- Family Guy (multiple channels)
Top viewed websites:
- Asian C*ck Sucking Amateurs
- Horny Housewives
- Me So Horny
Suicide Controversy[edit | edit source]
A string of suicides that rattled the US Air Force in 2010 has highlighted the need for better break room conditions. Efforts to relax sitting requirements and provide access to members of the opposite sex for a small fee have been unsuccessful, but Master Sergeant Notto continues to fight for change:
"Our airmen deserve better. They serve to protect our country. They need better access to physical contact with a member of the opposite sex for a small fee. Yesterday one of our airmen attempted suicide because of physical deprivation from the opposite sex for a small fee. The day before, another airman carried out a disturbing suicide that involved a female nylon sock wrapped around the neck. Other young men have access to paid members of the opposite sex. Don't they? Our airmen don't and we need to change that. They come here and they just sit. They enjoy sitting on behalf of their country, and have done it without the caring touch of a member of the opposite sex for a small fee. What I am saying is that someone needs to fight to provide them that member of the opposite sex for a small fee. It is simple and reasonable, and yet Congress and the Senate refuse to finance a bill that will provide fully-funded access to street workers of the opposite sex. Enough. It is time for change. It is time."
Realignment of Aircraft Mission[edit | edit source]
The original mission of the US Air Force was to fly and maintain the most technologically advanced aircraft in the world. The large aircraft fleet sitting outside Air Force break rooms provides testament to their legacy mission. As the number of experienced sitters in the Air Force increased, the type of expertise present in the US Air Force tilted towards sitting. Today, airmen are so experienced with sitting that the US Air Force has decided to concentrate exclusively on this strength. Removing the aircraft from the flight lines and even from the runways was an unproductive use of manpower and resources, and so the aircraft remained. With age, weeds and trees alike grew in the aircraft fuselage. Homeless individuals were attracted to the warmth of these aging aircraft during the winter times, and began populating the abandoned aircraft that sit outside the Air Force break rooms. Airmen like Mike Heegan support the new application for their aircraft, calling it "humanitarian":
"It's a good cause. These are individuals hit by hard times. We don't use the aircraft anymore, and we're happy to see someone use them. One of the F-22 Raptors in our fleet is already home to three homeless people and one dog. It's nice. It's humanitarian. I didn't even know they had been living there for three years already. It's just so busy in the breaking room, with the sitting and all. It's hard to keep up with who's moving in or out of our aircraft anymore. We found out from satellite images that the three homeless people were living in the F-22 raptor that sits directly outside the break room. It just shows you how tough it is in the break room. But it gives us more time to do what we do best - to sit down."
Work Responsibilities[edit | edit source]
Airmen are challenged in and out of the field. During a typical day, an airman may sit, get up, move the reclining chair, adjust the reclining chair height, or any combination thereof. Each day is different, and airmen are constantly solving new sitting problems. Challenges include determining the correct height and position of a chair. The challenge is not trivial. Each airman has legs of different length that require a chair configured at the proper height. Difficulties associated with the position of the television and computing platforms require each airmen to continuously rearrange the position of the chair to obtain the best viewing angle. The day of an airman is unpredictable, but in the end it is all about sitting.
Deployments[edit | edit source]
Members of the US Air Force for the most part are a bit better off in this category than the other branches. Many AF members can make it 20yrs without ever deploying, and even if they do it is only for four months. Some career fields are not as lucky some get to deploy for 6 to 12 months. If that is not bad enough, the Army does not have enough people, because who is that retarded. So many deployed Air Force personnel get to go play Army on an ILO Deployments. This is the real fun for any Air Force personnel. Many joined the Air Force because it is not a real military, if we only knew we would have to play Army. The Army is full of themselves, they have tendencies like yelling over nothing, cleaning things that don’t need to be cleaned and walking into walls. Also, if you're in the Air Force, you may be deployed to Cheyenne Mountain, where you will become part of the Stargate program, but I can't say anything more, because it is classified.
Enlisted Rank Structure[edit | edit source]
The enlisted rank structure contains three tiers: Airman, Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO), and Senior Non-Commissioned Officer (SNCO). The following sections describe the three tiers.
Airman Tier (Pee-on)[edit | edit source]
The Airman tier contains ranks E-1 through E-4:
- E-1 (Airman Basic) - A young airman with no experience with sitting. The Airman Basic begins his/her career sitting in rigid wooden chairs. The rigid wooden chair provides the discipline and technique required to sit in more advanced chairs.
- E-2 (Airman) - The Airman has some experience sitting, but cannot yet sit without supervision. Airmen and Airmen Basic often sit together with a more advanced sitter.
- E-3 (Airman First Class) - The Airman First Class can sit for extended periods of time without supervision. Airmen First Class cannot yet lead sitting groups, but no longer requires continuous supervision for sitting related tasks. Airmen First Class are not qualified to determine the correct height of a chair or to position a chair relative to the television or computing platforms.
- E-4 (Senior Airman) - The Senior Airman leads younger airmen in sitting sessions that can stretch for hours. The Senior Airman is competent with tasks that include adjusting chair height and position.
Non Commissioned Officer (NCO)[edit | edit source]
The Non-Comissioned Officer (NCO) tier contains ranks E-5 through E-6:
- E-5 (Staff Sergeant) - The Staff Sergeant oversees large groups of sitting airmen. Work responsibilities include instructing new Senior Airman on the proper method of adjusting chair height and position in the break room environment.
- E-6 (Technical Sergeant) - The Technical Sergeant manages an entire shop of sitting airmen. During the day, the Technical Sergeant sits for longer periods of time than younger airmen can, largely due to a changed body morphology that results from many years of sitting. The rear end of the Technical Sergeant is typically wider than a younger airmen's to provide increased sitting surface area. The wide rear end of the Technical Sergeant is a status symbol younger airmen aspire to.
Senior Non Commissioned Officer (SNCO)[edit | edit source]
If you are E-7 through E-9, it is your job to barbecue, and figure out what to watch on cable TV or satellite TV. Sit in a chair of some kind.
Officer Rank Structure[edit | edit source]
You get paid more for doing nothing. The higher rank you are, the more your ass gets kissed.
O-1 to O-3 - You still have to kiss a lot of ass! But you think that all enlisted members should kiss yours. Tell that to a Chief! Everyone in the Air Force knows that your rank does not mean shit unless someone below you fucked up. You share something in common with the junior enlisted members. Your rank has been given to you, except for the Academy grads. They work their asses off for 4 years, only to obtain the exact same rank as all the ROTC grads and 13-week OTS wonders! (Keep in mind though, that Academy Officers are the worst of all. They have the biggest ego and think they have more power then anyone else (as they should). Only if they had a clue what to do with it!) But still, not even an E-1 will take any thing you say seriously.
O-4 to O-6 - Your ass kissing skills are great! You somehow fooled your superiors that you should gain rank. You proudly wear your rank knowing how much ass you kissed to get this, and how many people now have to kiss yours. Your supervisory skills are untouched, no one knows how to pass off work better than you. By this point you should have learned that no morale problem is so great that it cannot be corrected by cracking down on your subordinates. If morale is in the gutter, it just means your people aren't spending enough time basking in the glory of the Air Force. Try assigning them more work. If you can't find any work for them to do, have them show up and pretend to work.
O-7 to O-9 - Some moron has to be in charge of our Air Bases. Why not you! Especially since you have no skills at managing troops.
O-10 - You are the great and almighty General of absolutely nothing. You have been finally entrusted with the truth. The Air Force is a bunch of fools that like to dress up as bus drivers. We all sit in front of the computer just to look busy for the guy who out ranks us. No one is looking at you so have at it, visit MySpace with ease. Just remember what happened to Congressman Foley!
Average Work Week[edit | edit source]
The Air Force puts in long hours. They are a bunch of workaholics, determined to do what it takes to secure the nation's freedom one smoke break at a time. This is evidenced by the long hours they put in. Here is an example of the of an average work week:
- Monday, 1030-1600: Closed for lunch from 1100-1300
- Tuesday through Thursday, 0900-1700: Closed for lunch from 1100-1300; Closed for training from 1400-1700
- Friday, 0900-1400: Closed for lunch from 1030-1330
- Saturday and Sunday: Closed
These personnel also have all federal holidays off to include Halloween, St. Patrick Day, Family day, Sports day, Safety day, Change of Command/Promotion/PME Graduation ceremonies and literally any other excuse they can think of. The typical Airman can expect to work approximately 15 days between 20 December and 31 January due to the holidays and other nameless down days.
This of course excludes POL, Security Forces, Intelligence, Weather, Aircraft Maintainers, Fire Department, Aerial Port, AMMO, Nuclear Missile Technicians (MMT, EMT and FMT), Helicopter Pilots, Command Post or rather anyone with a real mission. These fortunate souls spend countless hours trying to track down other squadrons for useless information who are off playing team building exercises throughout the day. Days off are never, ever seen and many hours are spent fuming over the emails received letting them know everybody else in the Air Force has the day off, which are sent out in triplicate, just to be sure. So they just sit around talking on their cell phones, watching DVD's and getting drunk on the job waiting for the rest of the Air Force to return from their mini vacations.
Air Force Pay[edit | edit source]
Despite what a lot of people think the Air Force does get paid. They get paid substantially less than their civilian counterparts who are doing the same jobs. The Air Force says this is better because of "perks and benefits." Some of these perks include but are not limited to:
- Military Leave - You get 30 days of leave a year. Anytime you go anywhere, you must use your leave. You must even use leave on days you wouldn't have been at work anyways.
- Free Base Housing - Living in a disgusting dormitory or house that has had tons of people and families in it before you and not one of them kept it clean.
- Medical and Dental - This is provided for free. It will take 5 months to get an appointment and use it at your own risk. It's so bad you probably know someone who was hurt or disfigured by a misdiagnosis.
- Tuition Assistance - You will probably never get to use this unless you got a job like Finance or MPF that requires you never actually be at work.
- Base Exchange - Base Exchange is a store that is tax free but charges more than any civilian store. They also never stock things you want. They do however, carry 10,000 copies of movies no one ever wants.
- Commissary - This is where you can get groceries. This is also tax free however, while goods are tax free without surcharges, there is a 5% surcharge on the food you need and buy that "goes to base programs."
You're probably not reading this part because you're already speeding to the Recruiter's office asking how soon you can sign up, but keep in mind these are only some of the wonderful benefits.
Airman's Creed[edit | edit source]
The Airmans' Creed was the brain child of someone looking for an OPR/EPR bullet and was designed to foster a Warrior spirit among a branch of service that still qualifies on the M-16 when Marines and the Army are using the M-4 and are looking at the next generation of indivdual rifles.
Dormitory Life[edit | edit source]
You awaken suddenly at 4:30AM by the sound of reveille being played on some far-off 1940’s era phonograph attached to a 10,000 watt P.A. Time to get up, you think as you turn off the re-run of Saved by The Bell on TBS, and make your way from the couch (which you passed out on about a half an hour ago) to your bed.
It’s difficult for you to fall asleep as you think about those poor marines in the next dormitory over who have to go to work now, but you persist and fall asleep anyway. You forget to set the alarm but it doesn’t matter… you don’t need it.
You wake up around 1 or 2, probably to the sound of your idiot pissmate’s favorite Jackopaws song, or that stupid fucking Disturbed song (where the guy makes the monkey sound at the beginning) and stumble into the shower. The water will be cold and the plug blocked with hair.
When you get out of the shower, you are suddenly hungry. Since you slept through lunch at the chow hall(the chow hall staff probably slept through lunch, also), you go to your refrigerator; there you find a moldy orange (that you took from the chow hall), a 3 month old bottle of Mountain Dew (that lost its fizz about 3 months ago), and about 13-28 bottles of Bud Light. You opt for the Mountain Dew.
The next hour of your morning is usually either spent napping (all that sleeping made you tired) or, heading over to the BX to pick up a new computer game.
As 3:00 approaches, you pick up your uniform from behind the refrigerator (where threw it on Friday afternoon), shave off that sweet goatee you had going for 2 days, get in your 2001-2004 Ford Mustang (usually red, black, sometimes orange.) and start the 38 second drive to your shop.
Personal Time[edit | edit source]
The Air Force is best known for drunken parties, and is the number one importer of beer in most nations which have air forces. It manages to consume it from the hours of 1600 to 0730.
The air force also has superhuman power to be able to drink beer more than any other branch...And yet they still don't beat up on army troops. We don't know why. It's suspected that it's because if they were tough guys to begin with, they probably wouldn't join the Air Force.
Many rumours about LARPing or World of Warcraft being a part of this personal time are highly inaccurate, and fit under a subculture of the military in general, the DLI student.
National Air Forces[edit | edit source]
Despite having fewer Marines than the Navy, the AFUS (Air Force of the United Statesians),is the greatest Air Force in the world. The IRA (Iraqi Royal Airforce) comes in second according to George Bush. Rumor has it that Canada may also have an Air Force. This is most likely false considering it is widely known that Canada has no military.
Air Force of the Future[edit | edit source]
The Air Force of the future has decided to
take some examples steal from the other services with their new uniforms. The most current theft would be the Air Force PT gear. Even though the primary job for an Air Force member is to watch a computer all day, there's always time to play Army. When the Marines and Army got a new BDU now known as MCCUU and ACU (because acronyms are fun!), the Air Force felt left out. So they changed the color of the Army's already less useful ACU's and came up with their current fruity number and decided to throw in styling PT gear to fit their needs. These needs include walking during a mile and a half run, sports days, and barbecues.
The next phase in the Air Force of the Future will be to get rid of the BDUs. They felt a bit hurt by the Army's change so they've decided to go with their own style. Top Generals in the Air Force decided that they needed a distinctive Air Force uniform of their own, so they stole the Army's new color pattern and added blue, because the sky is blue and they are the Air Force after all. An effective camouflage pattern is not needed, because let's face it: If an Air Force member is ever so close to combat action that he has hide from the enemy, somebody fucked up big time.
But wait, there's more! You may think that during this time of massive global war, funds might be a little tight. But you'd be wrong! There's always money for half-brained attempts at changing the uniform to give the General-du-jour another impressive bullet for his OPR. The newest design for the Air Force of the future would be the Service Dress Uniform. The Air Force became a bit tired of people comparing them to civilian pilots and bus drivers when dressed up showing off their Bronze Stars that every Airman gets straight out of Basic. They needed another new uniform. They needed something to be feared, something that demands respect, something that blatanty copies one of their sister services (see: Marines) and something that inspires awe, particularly from Nazis and Star Wars fans. Thank God this idea has been nixed.
"The U.S. Air Force... why not?" a commonly used ad seen in posters magazines and bagel bites boxes
Other Military Forces[edit | edit source]
The Army is known for its large numbers, and constant failure to make recruiting goals, hence its slogan, "an army of one".
In the Navy is the worst, mostly because of the guys showering together. Hence the slogans "only queer at the pier" and "it's not gay if you're under way." Everybody else is lame.
The Marine Corps is known for people mispronouncing the name as kOR instead of kORps.
The Coast Guard is a bunch of beach bum/preps that didn't have money for college.
The Royal Bear Force is the military division comprised entirely of bears and bear lookalikes. It is only used in the theocracy of Titonia.
The Earthican Defense Forces is a non existent military force and is usually wiped out by Aliens,zombies,Bea Arthur etc.. it is made up entirely of That guy from Halo known to be very talkative and wear revealing armor
Gordon Freeman known to wear glasses and prefer using crow bars over the standard Katana.
Chuck Norris the father of the Air Force.