United States Navy

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“It’s long, hard, and filled with seamen.”

~ Austin Powers on the USS Kittyhawk

“Our uniforms are white, to cover the stains we made last night.”

~ a typical seaman

“Don’t drop the soap.”

~ Mike Rowe

“If it weren’t for the Navy, I wouldn’t be the gal I am today.”

The U.S. Navy Ensign. Contrary to popular belief, the U.S. Navy is powered by pigeons and not, as pictured here, by giant eagles.

The United States Navy, in short USN, or in German; Das Scheisse Boot, is the branch of the Jesusland Forces responsible for conducting naval operations, naming one of its aircraft carriers after the current President in office, and for the accommodation and well-being of gays who are cruelly rejected by other armed services. It is not to be confused with their straight cousins, the Royal Navy and Elton John's underpants. The U.S. Navy currently numbers nearly 300,000 men and more men on active duty or reserve. Sadly, these numbers are dwindling due to problems with reproduction and fertility. The Navy has more planes than the Air Force, they just have trouble flying them.

History[edit | edit source]

The U.S. Navy was founded in 1775 when Congress, a cheap and pirated version of Parliament that is so-called only to avoid copyright laws, authorized the building of "... a public house for the displacement of malted liquors, two miles South of the Hudson River". One bright spark also suggested that they should authorise the building of warships to break the British blockade of Boston; pointing out that the fine German lager they wanted had to be imported, and that they could not import cargo if the British fleet blasted them sky-high before they could unload the shipment, and also, that Budweiser had not yet been invented. Ultimately, the plan was in vain, since King George was in fact the King of Hanover, Germany, and there were 20,000 Kraut soldiers fighting in America for the Crown (FOR the Crown, not to be confused with: For ownership of the Crown). Congress speedily agreed that the enemy wasn't anticipated to be giving them any beer, any time soon and also, that picking a fight with the Royal Navy is about as sporting as a British Bulldog fighting off an overly ambitious earthworm. The U.S. Navy was instead relegated for use as a home for gay people, with intent to foster unity between the men, a tradition whose roots are still evident today. Only one ship, the USS Rainbow Warrior, was ever built (in October 1775), and although it was hardly a Navy, it is still considered to be the foundation of the U.S. Navy and a turning point for the Gay Civil Rights/Fashion Movement. The U.S. Navy's motto; "Don't tread on me" is attributed to Benjamin Franklin, after numerous occurrences in which the Continental Congress had proceeded to walk over him, as he sun-baked on the grass outside Philadelphia , to which he said "Don't tread on me!!! I swear! Do it one more time, and I'm going to tell the British about Thomas Jefferson's little secret." It was later thought that perhaps if U.S. ships had a sign with similar message, then perhaps people would stop treading on the newly tarred decks of the ships. John Paul Jones, considered the creepy Scottish uncle of the modern U.S. navy, was once caught having sex with a female orderly. When confronted with the potential scandal of playing stink finger with the orderly, Jones replied " I have not yet begun to have sex with that bitch." Jones then was observed to be sniffing his fingers profusely.

Currently, the U.S. Navy is mostly composed of an undisclosed number of pigeon powered ships that serve primarily in the Pacific Ocean. In addition, the Navy currently has three aircraft carriers that act as nuclear deterrents against Iran, France, Iraq, China, and North Korea. The other seven aircraft carriers are used as mobile floating maternity wards. Ships that are expected to be built in the near future include the DDX project, the Navy's ambitious plan to design a stealth destroyer able to destroy continental shelves and sink renegade countries into the ocean, and an aircraft carrier named after the current president: BORAT INSANE OBOMINATION has implied that he would not be averse to using these weapons in case of a diplomatic faux pas. In a show of force, Admiral Ackbar carried out the president's orders and launched an aircraft carrier into Kilchu, North Korea, on October 9th, 2006. Through secret diplomatic channels, Ackbar was able to shift blame for the explosion to the North Koreans themselves. Kim Jong Il declined to decline to comment, saying that it was in fact him who destroyed Kilchu in a display of his military might, and that he would destroy it again if he so pleases. Kevin Rudd, when asked of this development replied: "These explosions are the cause of the government's policies." When asked about his own policies, he replied "We will not be taking a policy similar to that charade of a Howard administration" When asked about how he intended to fix the situation he replied: "By taking a policy adverse to that of the government." In response to a question about what he had for breakfast, the opposition leader replied: "A non Howard Administration Policy."

Organization[edit | edit source]

The U.S. Navy is administered by the Elton John fan-club, led by Kim Beazely, this helps you understand that NAVY is an abbreviation for (Need Any Vasoline Yet?) The head of the U.S. Navy, and commander of the first fleet, is Admiral Ackbar. The Elton John fan-club is responsible for the recruitment of new sailors, and a press gang is always present at his concerts. However, a flaw was discovered. Men do not attend Elton John concerts, and so the recruitment scheme was placed under review, and it was decided that they would have to get their new recruits from the Sydney gay and Lesbian mardi-gras, and from the Greens party.

Operations[edit | edit source]

The U.S. Navy is divided into nine fleets, each consisting of a loveboat, six canoe escorts, twelve Eroticus class inflatable dolls, a submarine and a mk 1 Death Star. Each of these fleets are administered by a REAR ADMIRAL who reports in turn to Elton John. The fleet's location at any given time is classified, however they have been spotted, or rather, were seen spotting some of the sunbathing fellas at Bondi Beach. They are also believed to keep a fleet at the Gothic Sector for fear of Chaos attack.

Personnel[edit | edit source]

The United States Navy is made up primarily of tough looking females, sissy looking homosexual wanna bees and people who aren't sure how they ended up in the Navy in the first place. The average sailor has at least one Prostitute in every port and is married only as a cover-up for his secret life as a port skipping, cheating, snake in the grass, horn dog that revels in muff diving third world sluts and tramps.

The Navy's social structure is not very complicated. There are the lifers, deck apes and the dirt-bags. If anyone decides to escape the reigns of terror before their 20 year heirmark is up, they are thereby considered a shit-bag or more Politically Correct:Dirt-bag. For the masochistic sheep, which 20 years of "honorable" service is required, are given the name "lifers".

The Navy prides itself on being the "most educated force on earth". This is the same force that has personnel who defecate in their pants, piss in showers, go days, even weeks without changing underwear, masturbate in public restrooms and consider AFN the most patriotic thing since a flag colored dildo.

Because the Navy operates in what can be best described as a "Caste" system, personnel are in a perpetual state of being screwed, blued and tattooed by anyone who happens to out rank them. This gives them a lower self esteem than most civilians who work in the fast food industry. Resulting in a work force that is so dysfunctional it thinks it's absolutely normal to talk to trees, urinate on themselves while in the mess hall, have heterosexual trysts aboard ship and huff helium in the attempt to have one last high.

In the early 1970's an attempt was made to modernize the enlisted dress blue uniform in order to improve morale in the lower ranks. This uniform change was welcomed by all hands except the Chief Petty Officers. The CPOs screamed,wined and cried like spoiled babies until the top brass relented and again shafted the peons. Unfortunately, when it comes to CPOs, the Navy Officer Corps. are either too afraid or just plain lazy to properly supervise these glorified enlisted turds.

Because of obsessive military feminizing, there are more pregnant females serving aboard a Naval station than in a hospital maternity ward. As a result, the Navy of the 21st century is becoming the new "welfare" sea service.

Mission[edit | edit source]

The United States Navy has been highly involved in Operation Cock Block. This Operation is the hoarding of oil and other natural resource reserves in the Middle East. For this, the Navy is both feared and loathed not only because of their weapons, but the threat of sodomy that they render to the enemies.

Countless dollars are put into keeping the gray love boats in the water only to watch the Chimpanzee in Charge's dream evaporate. The Navy, through Chimpo McCokefiend is raping the oceans of sovereignty and not only that, they are destroying the already decadent oceans.

Naval tradition[edit | edit source]

The U.S. Navy's past times include having sex with prostitutes, getting drunk of their asses, turning downtown San Diego into a red light district, getting into fistfights (due to being drunk of their asses), and arguing with Marines over which branch of the U.S. military is better.

Every sailor in the Navy gets Port Pay every time their ship docks. Port Pay is exactly enough money to pay for a bottle of Jack Daniel's Whiskey and an averaged priced prostitute.

It is believed that homosexuals often join the U.S. Navy, but this is untrue. Most homosexuals believe joining the Navy would be too obvious, and everyone would know they're gay because they're not using their Port Pay. Most homosexuals instead join the Army or Marine Corps. Pick up lines use by gay soldiers include: "Pull out your privates Private", and "How about you come back to my barracks". Gay soldiers, contrary to the beliefs of Gerardo Moreno, do not rape straight soldiers.

Sailors in the U.S. Navy are called seamen because of the fact that they have to have sex every time the ship docks or else their balls will explode, which is why Port Pay exists. Anyone caught engaging in masturbation or homosexual activity on board is forced to walk the plank (yeah I know, kickin' it old school.)

In games[edit | edit source]

There are many games that use the United States Navy as a form of a milita try to absolutely pwn other people, somewhere else in this world. One of those games is Habbo Hotel US. Perhaps one of the most prominant militaries on all of Habbo is the "DEPTNAV" owned by Sycron (Mr-Kelly). They have three branches, being, the United States Navy, the United States Marine Corps and the United States Coast Guard. Fleet Admiral (FADM) TekD is the second in command of this military, and they also have many proficient and professional officers including Admiral Democratik, Admiral Quixotism, Major General DevJ, Captain iNeron, Commander iSann. and many others.