99th Red Balloon Infantry
The 99th Red Balloon Infantry is an elite fighting force, at minutes standby, equipped with the most effective, tactical balloons. They are highly trained in the conduct of balloon warfare, and are one of the most feared fighting formations in the world.
Origin[edit | edit source]
The history, formation and structure of the 99th Red Balloon Infantry division (Der Neunundneunzig Roten Sturm-Bahn Gefuhren Menner) is documented well in the divisions historic and stirring anthem by the German band Nena, translated here to English for English-speaking people. And just to be a downer, the song in German is really AIR balloons.
| “ | You and I in a little toy shop Buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got Set them free at the break of dawn Til' one by one, they were gone. |
” |
Herr Doktor von Braun's initial concept was of warfare by balloon. It is believed that he got the idea around 1954, when in the local toy shop, whilst inadvertently inhaling helium, and realized that balloons, specifically ones colored red, could be used devastatingly in warfare.
| “ | Back at base, bugs in the software Flash the message, Something's out there Floating in the summer sky 99 red balloons go by. |
” |
General von Braun immediately returned to the base, and set about standing up the 99th RABIDs (as they later became to be known). within hours, he had a troop of 99 men, standing by with fully armed prototype tactical balloons.
Later that week, in order to fully train the 99th RABIDs, General von Braun ordered a full tactical exercise, to both demonstrate to the world the potency of his countries, and to ensure that the troops were fully prepared.
| “ | 99 red balloons Floating in the summer sky Panic bells, it's red alert There's something here, from somewhere else The war machine springs to life Opens up one eager eye Focusing it on the sky Where 99 red balloons go by. |
” |
On June 12, at approximately 3:04:34, General von Braun issued the order.
| “ | 99 Decision Street 99 ministers meet To worry, worry, super-scurry Call the troops out in a hurry This is what we've waited for This is it boys, this is war The president is on the line As 99 red balloons go by. |
” |
The exercise was an outstanding success. von Braun had successfully panicked every single world leader into panic. and some into picnics. This off-side oddball had shown them that he was capable of a real threat. The threat of balloon warfare.
| “ | 99 Knights of the air Ride super-high-tech jet fighters Everyone's a super-hero Everyone's a Captain Kirk With orders to identify To clarify and classify Scramble in the summer sky As 99 red balloons go by. |
” |
Realizing that von Braun had released many tactical balloons, the League of Nations scrambled fighter jets to identify and to try and more understand the threat posed. Unfortunately, the technology drifted out of range before its devastating effects could be unlocked. von Braun is the only know possessor of this technology, making the 99th RABIDs unique.
| “ | 99 dreams I have had In every one a red balloon It's all over and I'm standin' pretty In this dust that was a city If I could find a souvenir Just to prove the world was here And here, I find a red balloon I think of you and let it go. |
” |
Currently the 99th RABIDs are under a state of high alert, protecting the world from vacant consumerism and are also renowned for their sartorial style.
Tactics and training[edit | edit source]
Only a scarce few are privy to the tactics of the 99th RABIDs. It is generally thought that, in times of extreme crises, balloons are released, to deadly effect.
The 99th RABIDs train regularly, both individually, and up to battle group level. Because the operation of the 99th RABIS is so secretive, it is thought that higher echelon training is calculated to coincide with large charity events.
Many 99th RABIDs retire to become balloon sellers at amusement parks. Most amusement park companies employ them as dual role employees - balloon selling and covert high-level war-mongering.
Weapons[edit | edit source]
“Red death flys by.”
The 99th RABIDs are armed with a variety of red balloons, ranging from hand held anti-personnel balloons to strategic red dirigibles. Little is known of their construction, other than the trademark red color.