We Were Soldiers

The year is 1969, the United States Army is deep in Vietnam. Shit has hit the fan, and most of the shit you read here will sound fake, but it's true.

Private Parts and Specialist Needs are deep into Vietcong occupied jungle. They are in a team with two other people; Major Raper and Sergeant Sergeant. Their mission is to take pretty photos of the jungle and themselves.

GODDAMNIT, SAY CHEESE, GODDAMNIT!

PVT. Parts: "Hot as fuck out here, ain't it?"

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, KEEP THAT VOICE DOWN, PRIVATE! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?! GODDAMNIT!"

PVT. Parts: "Sorry sir, but I don't think I was yelling, if anything you need to keep your voice down, there are probably Vietcong all around us!"

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, YOU MAGGOT! GODDAMNIT!"

PVT. Parts hits the deck and starts doing pushups, Specialist Needs starts a conversation.

SPC. Needs: "Sergeant, when will we join back with our squad?"

SGT. Sergeant: "Goddamnit, Specialist Needs! I told you to address me by my rank!"

SPC. Needs: "I was, Sergeant. It's just a coincidence that your last name is also Sergeant."

SGT. Sergeant: "Goddamnit, drop and give me twenty!"

twig snaps twenty feet from them

PVT. Parts sprints towards the twig and starts shooting his M16 with one hand, SGT. Sergeant pulls a grenade pin out with his teeth, rips his front teeth out and throws the grenade. Explodes. Everyone starts unloading into the jungle.

GODDAMNIT, GET SOME, GODDAMNIT!

GODDAMNIT, WE'RE UNDER HEAVY FIRE, GODDAMNIT!

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, EAT LEAD YOU VIETCONG BASTARDS! GODDAMNIT!"

SGT. Sergeant: "We're under some heavy fuckin' fire!"

A man wearing a U. S. Army uniform starts shouting to cease fire.

Dude: "Cease fire, goddamnit! We're on the same fucking squad!"

SPC. Needs sprints towards the man and spear tackles him into a tree.

SPC. Needs: "Sir, I got one of them!"

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, SPECIALIST NEEDS! YOU'RE A GODDAMN WAR HERO! GODDAMNIT, I SHOULD RECOMMEND YOU FOR THE MEDAL OF HONOR, GODDAMNIT!"

SGT. Sergeant is trying to put his front teeth back in. They bring the man wearing the U. S. Army uniform to their base, which is just a random shack in the woods that Jason Voorhees probably lived in. They tie the man up to a tree and start interrogating him.

Dude: "Sergeant, do you not recognize me? I'm PFC. Pecker."

SGT. Sergeant: "My god... the Vietcong have resorted to stealing our identities!"

PVT. Parts: "Fuckin' asshole!"

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT! THE VIETCONG HAVE TAKEN PVT. PECKER AWAY FROM US, GODDAMNIT! GODDAMNIT, WHERE IS HE, GODDAMNIT!"

PVT. Pecker: "Listen to me! I'm in your squad! The rest of us got wiped out!"

SPC. Needs: "My god... they've killed everyone and have disguised themselves as PVT. Pecker!"

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, IF YOU'RE REALLY PVT. PECKER YOU'LL DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY RIGHT NOW! GODDAMNIT!"

PVT. Pecker struggles to do pushups because he is tied to a tree. MAJ Raper punches PVT Pecker in the pecker at least fifteen times.

SGT. Sergeant: "My god... we have to Save Private Pecker..."

SPC. Needs: "Let's go Save Private Pecker."

They leave their base to Save Private Pecker.

Somehow, they've acquired a helicopter. MAJ Raper is piloting the helicopter when suddenly...

KABOOOOOOM!

GODDAMNIT!

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, WHAT THE GODDAMNIT IN THE FUCKING GODDAMNIT HAPPENED, GODDAMNIT!?"

SGT. Sergeant: "We are under heavy fire, sir!"

PVT. Parts: "I think we're going down!"

SPC. Needs: "We're going down!"

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, WE'RE GOING DOWN, GODDAMNIT!"

SGT. Sergeant: "We're going down!"

PVT. Pecker, miles away: "They're going down!"

The helicopter crashes into the thick Vietnamese jungle. Massive explosion and fireball. Fortunate Son starts playing. A bald eagle holding the United States flag appears in the jungle and screeches. They survive the crash.

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, WHERE THE HELL ARE WE, GODDAMNIT?!"

SGT. Sergeant: "Vietnam, sir!"

MAJ. Raper: "THANKS!"

SPC. Needs: "Hhee.. heeelpp.."

They run over to SPC Needs. He's been impaled by all of the helicopter rotors.

PVT. Parts: "Noooo! We need a goddamn medic over here!"

SGT. Sergeant: "PVT Pecker was our medic!"

PVT Parts lets out a blood-curdling scream.

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, DON'T YOU DIE ON ME GODDAMNIT! GODDAMNIT, IF YOU DIE YOU OWE ME TWENTY PUSHUPS, GODDAMNIT!"

SPC. Needs: "Aghhh.. guhhgh... Save Private Pecker for me..."

SPC Needs draws his last breath and dies. Jimi Hendrix's cover of the Star Spangled banner starts playing. The bald eagle from earlier falls down from the sky, dead. It's American flag is tattered and torn. Heavy rain pours down. They all gather around SPC Needs and say their goodbyes.

SGT. Sergeant: "Semper fi."

PVT. Parts: "Wrong branch, Sergeant. Are you fucking retarded?"

SGT. Sergeant: "Excuse me. Femper si."

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, SPC NEEDS, YOU OWE ME TWENTY GODDAMNING PUSHUPS RIGHT GODDAMN NOW, GODDAMNIT!"

SPC Needs' corpse turns over and completes twenty pushups before rolling back over again.

They leave SPC Needs' body just laying in the woods and set out to Save Private Pecker. After a long walk, they reach a POW camp that they believe is where PVT Pecker is kept.

PVT. Parts: "What's the plan, Sergeant?"

SGT. Sergeant: "Uhh, hold on. What's the plan, sir?"

MAJ. Raper: "KILL!"

GODDAMNIT, KILL, GODDAMNIT!

MAJ Raper runs towards the POW camp dual wielding M16s.

SGT. Sergeant: "You heard the man, Private."

SGT. Sergeant lets out a war cry and charges in with MAJ Raper. PVT Parts follows. Ninety-two hours of fighting occurs before they emerge victorious. SGT Sergeant topped the leaderboard with a whopping 291 kills. MAJ Raper was in a close second at 289. PVT Parts is missing in action.

SGT. Sergeant: "I can't find Private Parts or Private Pecker!"

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, I CAPTURED ONE OF THE HIGHEST RANKING OFFICERS HERE, GODDAMNIT! GODDAMNIT, HE SAID THAT THEY KILLED THE REST OF OUR SQUAD EXCEPT PVT PECKER, GODDAMNIT! GODDAMNIT, I THINK PVT PECKER IS THE MAN WE THOUGHT WAS THE ENEMY, GODDAMNIT!"

SGT. Sergeant: "My god... we have to get the hell back over there!"

SGT Sergeant and MAJ Raper get into a convenient helicopter. PVT Parts runs out of the jungle.

PVT. Parts: "Wait! Guys, I had to go take a piss! Don't leave, I'm right here!"

PVT Parts jumps onto the front of the helicopter, right in front of both of them.

SGT. Sergeant: "Goddamnit... I can't believe we lost PVT Parts..."

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, HE WAS A DAMN GOOD SOLDIER, GODDAMNIT! GODDAMNIT, I'M GONNA MISS THAT SON OF A BITCH, GODDAMNIT!"

PVT Parts is punching the helicopter glass. MAJ Raper takes off. They start flying towards their base, when suddenly...

KABOOOOOOM!

MAJ. Raper: "GODDAMNIT, WE'RE GOING DOWN, GODDAMNIT!"

They crash about ten feet from their shack. Massive explosion and fireball. They survive and rush towards the tree they tied Private Pecker on. Private Pecker's body is completely lifeless.

SGT. Sergeant: "We were too late..."

Jimi Hendrix's cover of the Star Spangled Banner starts playing. Another bald eagle falls from the sky, dead. The American flag it was carrying is torn and tattered. Even heavier rain pours down. Miraculously, a rescue team has come for the soldiers, despite no radio contact. Fortunate Son starts playing as a bald eagle carrying an American flag flies over the beautiful, glowing sun. The rain completely stops.

They climb into the helicopter, SGT Sergeant and MAJ Raper look remorsefully at the jungle below them. Jimi Hendrix's cover of the Star Spangled Banner starts playing. A bald eagle is caught in the helicopter blades. The American flag it was carrying is torn and tattered. The heaviest rain pours down and a massive thunderstorm rolls in.

PVT Parts looks up at the helicopter. He is struck by lightning.

So what happened to the soldiers?

Major Raper was promoted to General. Raper received the Distinguished Service Cross. He sadly lost his voice and his ability to yell and took his own life due to it. "The VA has concluded that your aphonia is non-service related." Raper blew his scalp all over the ceiling after hearing this.

Sergeant Sergeant was promoted to Sergeant Major of the Army. Sergeant also received the Distinguished Service Cross. Sergeant retired from the Army years later and now has 18 children.

PVT Parts died alone after being struck by lightning. He posthumously received the Medal of Honor.

SPC. Needs was posthumously given the Medal of Honor for simply dying in a helicopter crash.

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