Jarhead
“I prefer Jugheads, I can get a better handle on them”
– Noel Coward on Jarheads
A jarhead is a man[a] whose head has been replaced with a plain glass jar. The jarhead operation was originally only used on U.S. Marines. President Teddy Roosevelt came up with the idea, just after his Rough Riders disbanded due to a plague of saddle sores. Roosevelt chose to surgically implant jars because of both the built-in storage and camouflage uses.
History[edit | edit source]
In the early years the jarheads would have to use seeing-eye dogs, due to a lack of ocular facilities (eyes). Modern jarheads, however, have eyes transplanted into their hands. In 'Nam they had to ingest food through their anuses. Many complained that the rations always tasted like shit. Now, however, the United States Army employs Cuban slaves[b] to cut holes in the backs of the marines, with skin flaps, so that food can be shoveled directly into the jarheads' stomachs.
Sometimes a Cuban falls in by accident, but these inept feeders are quickly digested and no harm is done to the jarhead.
The U.S. Congress has apportioned funds for this program to be implemented among soldiers in Ukraine, only instead of jars, they just decapitate them and mulch their bodies into dog food.
Uses[edit | edit source]
The storage space created by the jars was used to carry tiny child soldiers into battle with the marines, doubling the "soldiers per set of feet" ratio.
Currently in U.S. war efforts around the world the jarheads carry mulch, MREs, IUDs, DDTs, PhDs, and other rations in their jars.
See also[edit | edit source]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Some activists have rallied for women to be allowed into the jarhead program.
- ↑ Typically sourced from stray fishermen and alewives who get within 1000 km of Guantanamo Bay Naval Base.
