Cod Wars

The Cod Wars were a series of altercations between the might of the Royal Navy and an Icelandic school of cod led by their wily king, "Gareth", though this is just a pseudonym as his true name remains unpronounceable unless submerged in 10 metres of oil-soaked saltwater. The first 'spat' occurred in 1958 and the British Navy were initially successful, however the conflict was called off when an enterprising cod launched an Exocet anti-shipping missile at the HMS Warwick in 1961, rendering her unable to steer, with the cod soon boarding her and running her aground, setting up a museum on her deck after the war with the pithy name "The British Are A Right Set Of Bastards". There was a brief continuation of the conflict in 1972 when Prince Charles ate Gareth's sister on live television but the war was soon called off when it was embarrassingly revealed that she was also Gareth's wife, engendering very few to his cause due to the realisation that his children's twelve limbs and deformed genitalia were likely the result of incestuous coupling, something generally frowned upon in cod society unless they're from a sect based out of Alabama or Wales.

The fateful moment that started it all.

Behind the Enmity

Many historians have falsely claimed that the cod wars were due to disputes over fishing rights but in actuality the conflict was deeply personal for the British as well as the fish. There was animosity on both sides stemming from centuries of misunderstanding and malice. Also, the British public generally dislike seafood unless it is sufficiently salty to disinfect gangrenous flesh or dehydrate the lake district, meaning only mackerel and whelks are permitted to be sold in UK supermarkets. The initiation of hostile language began in 1902 when Queen Victoria was presented a cod as an exotic gift from a nobleman based out of Iceland. She was immediately repulsed by its foul odour and further stated "why is he giving me so much side-eye?! I'm the Queen!". As a result of what she saw as 'insolence', Queen Victoria naturally decreed that there would be a bounty put on all fish in the ocean of 1 crown per fish head, with an additional 2 crowns afforded to those who could capture and eradicate cod in particular (protracted torture optional). The cod were understandably disconcerted by this development and sent several emissaries to the Houses of Parliament pleading for the British to rescind the order, however nobody in the House of Commons could decipher the language and as such erroneously concluded that the creatures were speaking Welsh, leading to the cod all being bludgeoned to death with sadistic fervour using the ceremonial mace from the House of Lords. The British have always been extremely scared of the Welsh because they can muster 10 legions of sheep for war before you can say Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob.

Although the story so far does not paint a particularly rosy picture of Britain's treatment of the cod and rather makes them seem like the villains of this story, it should be mentioned that the cod also do not come out of this story well. After their emissaries were beaten to death in front of the leaders of all of England's constituencies, the cod formed a paramilitary group called the IRA (Independent Rights for the Aquatic) and detonated several high-yield explosives in population centres around the UK, killing hundreds and, more importantly, destroying several priceless pieces of art. They also fomented rebellion in Ireland masquerading as protestants by employing the cunning stratagem of occasionally mentioning Jesus in between talks of death and violent destruction of the innocent. This movement was soon bastardised by a dissenting Irishman (what a surprise). The IRA's true origins are often not talked about in history books due to national shame.

First Cod War (1958-1961)

The First Cod War began when an episode of Monty Python came out where John Cleese whacked Michael Palin in the face with a trout on television. Cod have very bad eyesight due to spending most of their time in murky water, the murkiness primarily due to oil-drilling accidents nearby, meaning they thought the trout was actually one of their cod friends. They were outraged and held several days of protests by blowing slightly more bubbles than usual.

Provocation of the First Cod War.

Hostilities started with a large shoal of cod charging into the propeller of the pride of Britain's fleet, her newly-built aircraft carrier, HMS Bulwark, rendering her immobile for the remainder of the war. This caused several problems for political leaders in the country who had already been struggling to assure the electorate that closing the entire public education system to afford the fleet carrier was a wise and just decision. As a result, to save face, the British launched "Operation Burrito" where several low-yield nuclear devices were delivered by Vulcan bombers in cod hotspots, irradiating them all and making it difficult to discern in future which cod were the result of interbreeding and which were superpowered mutants, a problem for both sides of the conflict.

Although the initial British attacks were widely seen as successful and in fact reduced the population of cod in the North Sea by 86%, it only angered the cod further, leading them to procure armaments from the French. The French were initially quite reluctant to get involved but then remembered how much they hated the English and decided to give all of their weapons away for free. The French also felt a great deal of camaraderie with cod since very few people can understand either of them when they attempt to communicate.

The war ended in a stalemate when both sides decided to take a break for lunch one day and then never returned to the battlefield. Some historians have said that the cod came out on top but if one bases the victor in combat on how irradiated and environmentally-damaged they leave the theatre of operations at war's end, the British would generally be considered to to be the winners of the First Cod War.

Second Cod War (1972-1973): "The Coddening"

As mentioned in the forward, the second cod war began when Prince Charles ate the cod leader's sister on television. The cod all around the world were hysterical, plotting the damnation of the British for this foul attack on their honour. Due to their armament lend-lease program with the French, the cod had several stacks of Exocet anti-shipping missiles with which to pulverise the British fleet once-and-for-all. They had also been given several dozen lancer mercenary cavalry but they were of little use due to most of them being lost at sea, with the cod not thinking that all that heavy armour on a creature generally adapted more for land battles probably won't be very buoyant or indeed very effective in a naval conflict. Cod aren't very clever - they have tiny brains.

The British desperately recalled their entire fleet to harbour, giving up 1/5th of their colonial possessions and relinquishing an antiquated claim on the French throne in the process. It was a dark day for people on the British mainland who were at this point cowering in their homes, awaiting the inevitable influx of advanced cod war machines on their lands. Surprisingly, things calmed down for a while, but there was a bitter taste in the air - everybody knew it was coming - the end of days.

It turns out that cod don't actually live very long, primarily due to over-fishing, so after about 6 months, most of the original cod involved in the war-planning committee had died, meaning there were very few cod left who even remembered why they were fighting in the first place, and because of cod's aforementioned stupid nature, they have no complex language with which to communicate developed argumentation around the genocide of their people to drum up war support. Their lack of literacy also made planning military manoeuvring more difficult than one might imagine initially.

The final blow to the planned invasion of the British mainland came when it was embarrassingly revealed in an interview between Good Morning Britain's host Holly Willoughby and Gareth, the cod leader, that his cod sister who died was also his wife. This outraged almost the entire planet's species apart from in areas with statistically significant levels of incest such as the American South and Wales. The invasion was promptly called off and things returned to relative normalcy within weeks.

See also

• Cod
• Codpiece
• Fish Puns
• Undictionary:Cod loin
• UnGames:Ultimate Fishing