Irish Republican Army
|This article may be Overly British|
The Irish Republican Army (IRA) is an illiterate rag-tag army largely made up of drag queens, anorexics and suicide bomber fairies dedicated to strong arming the British into changing the name of Ireland through a century long campaign of smearing shite on walls, never washing, throwing fireworks at police and posing for press photos with pellet guns.
Foundation[edit | edit source]
The IRA was founded in the early 1900s in Dublin by a few tramps who's favorite pastimes were engaging in buggery with the boys of the old brigade, sucking Guinness out of pub carpets and singing rebel songs as well as they could with whatever teeth they had left. A British soldier caught them having what can only be described as a bum fun bonanza in the confined space of a post box one evening and upon trying to split them up and send them on they killed him in order to carry on their twisted ordeal. The young private's body was never found. They used his rifle to rob the GPO (General Post Office) as they had misread it as Guinness Port Offies (off licence) They were illiterate after all. Upon finding there was no Guinness within the building they made their demands to the Brits that they wanted barrels of the black stuff or they weren't for leaving, instead of giving in to pishy old tramps demands they shot them dead and the paddies made martyrs of them.
Then around 50 years later a group of tramps not unlike the first decided to revive the old moniker and engaged in a campaign of lighting post boxes on fire, stealing cars and blowing chunks out of themselves with bangers.
Views[edit | edit source]
The IRA wanted the Brits out for reasons they weren't quite sure of themselves, some think it's because "Ireland" instead of "Northern Ireland" is one less word they would have to learn to spell. They wanted everyone to stop speaking English and instead speak Guinness Irish, which is a dialect of English you speak naturally after 20 pints of Guinness. This is sometimes called Gaelic but you'd need around 30 pints to mispronounce it like that. They wanted the country to be entirely Catholic as they were alright with continuing the age old Celtic tradition of having bum boys at their disposal.
Membership[edit | edit source]
To join the IRA you had to have at least 5 teeth missing, talk like a poof, be a commie and provide your own pair of aviators. If you were over 8 stone and 5 foot 6 you were an IRA man, if you were below 5'6 and 8 stone
This resulted in a 70 day relentless torrent of liquid
Punishment Beatings[edit | edit source]
If you were caught being in the Colour party with a fake pair of ray ban aviators you were punished by getting your kneecaps blown out by a 2x4 with nails in it.
Members[edit | edit source]
- Gerry Adams: Has since learned to read and denies all involvement with the IRA, spends his days talking shite and harbouring his pedo brother.
- Martin "Machine Gun Marty" Mcguinness: Mcguinness was a crack shot with his trusty slingshot and is even said to have gave a few patrolling british soldiers a nasty bruise
- Bobby Sands: Bobby was one of the IRA "women" and as such had to keep his hair long and when he went into the jail he refused to wear a uniform as the uniforms were too boy-ish and he wanted to wear his skirt and brassiere. he then caught a dodgy dose of poisoned dinner and was one of the last to
Notes[edit | edit source]
- Did you know? Republicans achieve their signature duck step
- Did you know? The IRA read vogue for their fashion advice, black berets and aviators was top in parisian fashion.
- Before Nigerian scammers there was IRA scammers, who conned thousands of Americans into sending them money through NORAID