Irish Republican Army

The Irish Republican Army (IRA) is an illiterate rag-tag army largely made up of suicide bombers(up the ra) dedicated to strong arming the British into changing the name of Ireland through a century long campaign of smearing shite on walls, never washing, throwing fireworks at police and posing for press photos with pellet guns loaded with explosive potatoes.

Foundation

The IRA was founded in the early 1900s in Dublin by a few tramps who's favorite pastimes were engaging in buggery with the boys of the old brigade, sucking Guinness out of pub carpets and singing rebel songs as well as they could with whatever teeth they had left. A British soldier caught them having what can only be described as a bum fun bonanza in the confined space of a post box one evening and upon trying to split them up and send them on they killed him in order to carry on their twisted ordeal. The young private's body was never found. They used his rifle to rob the GPO (General Post Office) as they had misread it as Guinness Port Offies (off licence) They were illiterate after all. Upon finding there was no Guinness within the building they made their demands to the Brits that they wanted barrels of the black stuff or they weren't for leaving, instead of giving in to pishy old tramps demands they shot them dead and the paddies made martyrs of them.

Then around 50 years later a group of tramps not unlike the first decided to revive the old moniker and engaged in a campaign of lighting post boxes on fire, stealing cars and blowing chunks out of themselves with bangers.

Views

The IRA wanted the Brits out for reasons they weren't quite sure of themselves, some think it's because "Ireland" instead of "Northern Ireland" is one less word they would have to learn to spell. They wanted everyone to stop speaking English and instead speak Guinness Irish, which is a dialect of English you speak naturally after 20 pints of Guinness. This is sometimes called Gaelic but you'd need around 30 pints to mispronounce it like that. They wanted the country to be entirely Catholic as they were alright with continuing the age old Celtic tradition of having bum boys at their disposal.

Membership

To join the IRA you had to be able to sprint towards a British checkpoint with a bomb strapped to your chest without getting shot or be really good at making car bombs(An Irish special)

Punishment Beatings

If you were caught being in the Colour party with a fake pair of ray ban aviators you were punished by getting your kneecaps blown out by a 2x4 with nails in it.

Discography

I lasted British backshots for 9 years songs

• We won a battle
• I got divorced

Im special because of my mask songs

• Musk is the smell ferrets make when they are horny (song doesn't have a chorus didn't know what to say)
• Does bean mean girl in drunk?

I like stuart more than this noob

• The voices are telling me to kill british people
• My penis is whiter than paper

I cant take it anymore

• Im going to australia so I can work in a gas station
• I fucking suck at stealing things from americans

I wanna leave Britain

• Catholic priest's are killing british people i think we're gonna win
• Im groping the united states i think they are gonna help us
• we can knit things under trees
• Come home lad we need our beer
• you are weak as shit but so are british people
• i dont think were gonna win anymore 36 people died
• guys stop the war its mean
• the moon is gonna fall on the british people
• I cant afford real clothes so I wear green things
• Im visiting a grave of some guy who made music
• I divorced my wife and im carieng barely in my pocket

The century we didnt get independence

• We lost the last war but well win this one
• Im hungry
• My goat eats potato skins (forgot to change the name of this one)
• Lemme tell you why im homeless lad

Jesus was ressurected today so was ireland (in dream)

• The white guys in our army are chill
• We cant use trains because we are special
• The angel on the harp is a hoe her pussy is like 12 inches circlular
• My boat is sigma and the british are like batman
• Come home lad we love you

We get independence soon

• Ireland makes beer be happy
• Get out of ireland Nigger
• My car is special because it kills british people
• I live in a retirement home
• The british killed us because we were drunk

We're throwing up from too much guiness

• Go back home traitiors we won

Oh lord there's more I will add at a later point I'm gonna get turnt up off the guiness now laddie

If you were wondering, I did not include the song, Kevin Barry, it is about the hanging of an 18 year old boy, I don't want to make jokes about things that could actually hurt people, this is like making a joke about Sandy Hook elementary.

Notable members

• Gerry Adams: Has since learned to read and denies all involvement with the IRA, spends his days talking shite and harbouring his pedo brother.
• Martin "Machine Gun Marty" Mcguinness: Mcguinness was a crack shot with his trusty slingshot and is even said to have gave a few patrolling british soldiers a nasty bruise
• Bobby Sands: Bobby was one of the IRA "women" and as such had to keep his hair long and when he went into the jail he refused to wear a uniform as the uniforms were too boy-ish and he wanted to wear his skirt and brassiere. He was used to "relieve stress" by the IRA members if they had a rough night
• Queen Elizabeth II: Because she is playing the long game
• Your alcoholic father: He never loved you.
• You: After getting a couple drinks
• The current British prime minister: Because spies make the best spies
• The fuckers who dye the river green probably making it full of bombs

Notes

• Did you know? Republicans achieve their signature duck step
• Did you know? The IRA read vogue for their fashion advice, black berets and aviators was top in parisian fashion.
• Before Nigerian scammers there was IRA scammers, who conned thousands of Americans into sending them money through NORAID

Mad Paddy Land