Kilkenny

“You bastards!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Killing Kenny

Kilkenny (pop. 22,179.7), while strictly no longer a city, is entitled by law to described itself as such. Several towns have larger populations than some of these cities but are not recognised as cities because they lack historic charters or legal status.

The prime criteria to qualify for city status is to have at least two members of the town council who can break dance - Those in the case of Kilkenny being Malcolm Noonan and Andrew McGuinness.

Kilkenny Castle

The original castle was built in 1195 by Richard de Clare who married Aoife, daughter of Dermot MacMurrough - high king of Leinster.

Richard was better known by his moniker 'Strongbow' which he earned through his ability to chug a flagon of cider in one go, a feat only accomplished since by a legless degenerate in a wheelchair.

The castle is well known locally for its large park, featuring as well as what it often incorrectly assumed to be a large, ugly and stupid piece of 'modern art'.

Known colloquially as 'The Rocket Arse', this rare piece of astronomical heritage is a spaceship component and the sole physical remainder of Ireland's once prestigous space program, which was cancelled in the mid 1840's due to the increasing unavailability of potatoes (the main solid fuel for rocket booster engines).

Brewing

The Smithwick's brewery was established way back in 1710 by Vladmir 'Droopy' Smithwick, and it is the oldest brewery in Kilkenny.

The fact that this is the ONLY brewery in Kilkenny means that it also holds the distinction of Kilkenny's newest brewery, having been established as recently as 1710.

The Smithwicks brewery is Ireland's only brewery to hold such a distinction, (the other being the Heineken Brewery based beside the Pfizer Viagra plant in Ringaskiddy, Co Cork, established by Patsy 'Big Wand' O'Heineken in the mid 1800's).

The Smithwick's brewery is famous for not being open to the public, and nobody is ever seen to leave or enter (the identities of the staff are a complete mystery, though some say they have seen small dwarf-like figures through the giant brew-house window panes from across the river Nore).

However in 2010, to celebrate the 300th anniversary of Smithwick's, five golden tickets were hidden in cans of Smithwicks around the country to allow people view personally the wonders of the inside of the Brewery.

The winners entered the brewery but were never seen again.

Droopy Smithwick went on to become a colourful and outspoken impotence awareness activist, spearheading such national campains as "It's not me it's you" and "Not tonight, I'm really tired.."

Dunne's Stores

A popular traditional pastime among Kilkennians is to go shopping in one of the many Dunne's Stores outlets. Kilkenny has an average of four Dunne's Stores outlets per street, more than any other town in Ireland.

This has been part of the Marble City culture for a great many years - the earliest known reference to this local penchant for Dunne's is cited in the Annals of the Four Masters (a historical Irish text dating back over 2,000 years) which states Tá baile in oirdheisceart le Dunnes Stores ar gach cúinne motherfucking which roughly translates as There is a town in the south east with a Dunne's Stores on every motherfucking corner.

Lady Desart

Although remembered today primarily for her philanthropy and funding of Aut Even hospital, Desart Hall and the archetecturial gem that is Talbot's Inch Village, Lady Desart was famed locally at the time moreso for her penchant for class-A narcotics and dance music.

The name Talbot's Inch is actually a misnomer, the original name was Tablets Inch, and it is thought locally to originate from the drug-fueled raves that used to take place there around the turn of the centruy, where patrons dropped handfulls of tablets and vacuumed up inch-wide lines of cocaine.

After the decline of the Georgian rave generation, Lady Desart went on to release several minimal techno tracks on the Ed Bangers label and later enjoyed moderate success as a reggae MC.

Kilkenny College

Kilkenny's oldest school, founded by George Berkley in 1465 has produced notable allumni such as Johnathan Swift (noted satirist who was named after the passenger ferry on the Dublin-Pembroke route), Oscar Wilde (noted writer who was named after the passenger ferry on the Rosslare-Normandy route) and 80's musician Brian 'Passenger' Ferry.

George Berkeley, of the Kilkenny College Alumni

Stick Fighting

St Mary's Cathedral. It is seldom used today because of the odd smell.

The majority of the population are so efficient with hurls that they've managed to incorporate them into their daily lives. If a person expresses no interest in hurling, they are exiled to the most desolate lands of Galway. This is one of the few times Kilkennians will leave Kilkenny. There are no women in the county, only very attractive looking hurlies. It is known that the men use their hurlies for hunting, eating, transport and other daily activities.

Kilkenny Nightlife

The World's End

The World's End (the name of the establishment in itself an Odyssean reference - the patrons are remarkably well grounded in the classics) is nestled in upper John Street Kilkenny in the town's lively cultural quarter, and has a delightful ambience which reflects the clientele to whom it caters; The upper echelons of the Kilkenny societal circuit rub shoulders with learned philosophers, scholars, wordsmiths and famous faces from the city enviorns as they bask in the opulence of the lilly-gilded surroundings and erudition and succinct wit of one other's company..

Yes.

Embrace the zeitgeist of 21st century Marble City with suits from Baumler, Dax and Magee impeccably tailored to everyone's needs; For an unforgettable night on the marble tiles, The World's End suits you best.

Pop in for a spot of luncheon and a chat about the horses over a Pimms, or perhaps visit a little later on for Cognac and a Montecristo gran corona on the sun terrace, with Jazz standards as standard on piano and a certain elegance and je ne sais quoi which appeals to the most discerning socialite, The World's End is the glistening, yet strangely under-rated jewel in Kilkenny's recreational crown.

Trip Advisor - January 2011

Dignity

Closing in 2010, Kilkenny's first and only gay bar was something of a flop. Hard in those times to stand proud and beat off stiff competition, there simply wasn't a sufficiently large hole in the market to justify the insertion of such an establishment.

Even Kytler's beer garden was cavernous in its emptiness around that time though Lanigans and Biddy's remained well stuffed and were a tight squeeze at the best of times.

Castlecomer

Castlecomer is noted for having the most inbred isolated population in Western Europe. However this has not stopped a vast and varied populace from developing in this small townsland, leading to much marital violence and street brawls between young couples. In fact some observers have noted that the only thing Castlecomer marital partners have in common is their parents.

Notable Historical Kilkenny Persons

Andrew McGuinness

All Ireland Break Dancing Champion and part time politician

Vladmir 'Droopy' Smithwick

Brewer, impotence awareness activist

Bald Man in Sleveless Vest Walking White Dog

Pedestrian employed by the local authorities to ensure Kilkenny women walk in groups of two or more.

Mad Paddy Land