Alabama

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Ol' Alabamy
State of Alabama
Alabama
Alien+butt.jpg Where-do-Babies-and-farts-come-from.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "The Heart of Dixie"[1]
Anthem: "You Might Be a Redneck If ..."
by Jeff Foxworthy
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Capital Tuscaloosa
Largest city Birmingham (Not England)
Official language(s) Southern Standard English
Government Dixieocracy
National Hero(es) Forrest Gump
Bocephus
Currency First-born daughters
Confederate dollars
Religion Fanatical Christianity of a strictly Protestant sort (The Klan keeps out the Catholics)
Population Nothing but rednecks, racists and the Ku Klux Klan
Major exports Questionable football championships, Marijuana, PCP, Meth, Country Music, moonshine, and underground Bingo
Major imports Orbital space guns [lolwut?]
Hours of
 operation
Until the KKK shows up

Alabama is a red state located in the southeastern region of the United States of America. It is best known for the song "Sweet Home Alabama" (Lynyrd Skynyrd are from Jacksonville) and the fact that every third car has a "Dubya' for President" sticker in the rear window. It is also known for being a state where incest is common, especially in the redneck parts of the state.

History[edit]

This sight greets drivers visiting the Alabama Welcome Center on Interstate 20 at the Georgia border.

Alabama has a long and varied history. In recent times it is known for the foundations for the homosexual movement. Although extremely racist against blacks, latins, asians and other minorities, this land is known to contain the highest concentration of gay people found on Earth. The official history of Alabama began in 1819 when the invading homosexual force of the republican confederates anihilated the indiginous population. As a result, Alabama is known today as by far the gayest location on the planet Earth. There has also been a recent movement to rename the state Fagabama to help accurately represent its demographics. Alabama's name originates from a tribal chief of the Creek Indians, who were indigenous to the region. Chief Al Bama-Rama-Na-Na-Na-Na-Rama-Da-Ling-Dong was considered a great asset to early settlers, by showing them how to survive off the land by eating "dogat-kill" (roadkill). Long after the chief was driven from his native land by the white man, settlers decided to pay the chief homage, thusly naming their new land Alabama.

Alabama became the 22nd state of the union in 1819, mainly due to the fact that many of the residents had difficulty counting past 22.

In 1861, Alabama seceded from the Union and became a Confederate State. After four years of war and a few years of reconstruction, Alabama was finally readmitted to the union in 1868.

Geography[edit]

Though winters in the state are usually mild, nightly freezing occurs frequently in the North Alabama region. This picture was taken at the Old State Bank in Decatur during early January.

Climate[edit]

The climate in Alabama varies on the time of the year, but can generally be categorized into six distinct categories:

  1. Hot
  2. Humid
  3. Hot and Humid
  • Rain
  1. Rain mixed with Hurricanes
  2. Tornadoes EVERYWHERE
  • Thunderstorms with tornadoes
  1. All of the above

Demographics[edit]

Religion[edit]

For the most part all Alabama residents are Christians scattered out across the one of approximately 9,567,211 known denominations just in Alabama. They believe Charles Darwin is a Communist hell-bent on destroying the world. They believe radical Christian conservative behavior is "just good clean fun". They believe the trinity is: Jesus, Donald Trump, and the fish symbol. They believe in eating out after Sunday services and then complaining to the waitress that all businesses should be closed on Sunday.

Government[edit]

Alabama is a theocratic republic. The governance of Alabama is entrusted to the millions of tiny Protestant churches who fight in elections. The only way to run in an Alabama election is as a member of one of the hundreds of thousands of recognised Christian churches. This causes conflict with much of the rest of the United States who call it unconstitutional.

Economy[edit]

Alabama has several major industries that have promoted growth, jobs, and some confusion over the course of time (not necessarily in that order). Still a shit state.

  1. Deforestation: Exporting paper products to states that actually use paper and pencils on a regular basis has been a major financial help to the state.
  2. Auto Manufacturing: Thanks to cheap labor and tax loop holes, an influx of auto plants have helped bring jobs to Alabama.
  3. Agriculture: Fertile soil and a rainy climate has made Alabama ideal for growing corn, cotton, soybeans, peanuts, and cannabis.[2]
  4. Voting Republican: One of the more recent industries to the state, voting Republican in Alabama is as American as baseball, apple pie, and Chevrolet. Conservatives such as Christian Coalition pour tens of dollars into Alabama's economy to promote like-minded thinking of Republican values. Thanks to an increasing conservative media base and low education level of the population, voting Republican is something many Alabamians have reveled in, even without the big money from right-leaning political groups.
  5. Moonshine: Southern whisky has been a pride of the state for hundreds of years. Even so, it is projected that by the year 2012 methamphetamine production will have surpassed Moonshine as a shit state industry.

Taxes[edit]

Alabama enjoys some of the lowest taxes in the United States. Of course, nobody has any money anyway.

Transportation[edit]

A typical member of the Alabama National Guard.

Remember to avoid the interstate since roving bands of mutants often perform acts of cannibalism on unarmed travelers. It is highly advised to buy some means of armed protection before visiting any outlying area outside of the major cities. If you are arriving by train or plane always remember that Alabama’s militia performs customs. This means that full body cavity searches are common.

Law and government[edit]

Alabama's political structure is based on the firm conviction that no one there wants a lottery. Lotteries are perceived as a pernicious, godless menace that threatens to fund local schools, pave interstates, and prevent badly needed funds from going to impoverished Native Americans in neighbouring Mississippi. In place of Lotto, local politicians suggest the building of a dome stadium to house the many professional football and baseball teams the state is sure to produce after it gets a dome stadium, based on the theory of spontaneous generation. Sadly, Alabama public schools, still caught up in the furor of the Scopes Monkey Trial and the theory of evolution, have not updated their science books in some time and thus fail to recognise that spontaneous generation was disproved in 1859.

Tourism[edit]

The friendly inhabitants of Alabama
See also: HowTo:Travel to and Through the Southern United States

Tourist highlights in Alabama are:

  1. The statue of Vulcan in Birmingham: Home to the world's largest statue of a man exposing his buttocks to half a million people, Vulcan Park is a must-see (not appropriate for children under 15).
  2. Golf courses: Home to nine very expensive golf courses which were named after a man who used to play golf periodically, the Robert Trent Jones golf trail is a series of courses scattered throughout the state. Famous for their refurbished Ford pickup golf carts, the Trail has something for everyone. Except for those who dislike golf.
  3. Beaches: Where not only the sky, but the water is so blue, too. The spots of red you might view in the ocean near Alabama beaches are shark feeding areas. The city of Mobile claims that sharks will eat off your hand. Literally.
  4. Civil Rights: Rumor has it that some sort of civil rights action took place in this state. We have yet to acquire any concrete evidence of such activity.
  5. Water: It's everywhere. Even in the air.
  6. Daoism: A fairly large majority (about 96.875%) of the world's Daoist monks reside in the great state. Here they pray to large statues of Karl Marx and Norman Schwartskopf.

Footnotes[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Alabama.
  1. Although Alabama's current state motto is "The Heart of Dixie", current Governor Bob Riley has recently proposed legislation to change the motto to "'Git off mah land!"
  2. The Alabama state flower is, Ganja Cannabis sativa L, discovered by Dr. S. Mary Jane in 1220. This plant is grown by most citizens of Alabama either in vast cornfields or as house plants. Used in cooking and other "recreational pursuits".