Colorado
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| Official language(s) | Mix of Redneck and Stoner | ||||||||
| Capital | Colorado City | ||||||||
| Largest city | South Park | ||||||||
| Area - Total - Width - Length - % water - Latitude - Longitude |
Ranked 8th 420,000 km² Hips km Hair km 0.69 Below Wyoming Left of Kansas | ||||||||
| Population - Total (2000) - Density |
Ranked 21st A lot of hippies and a few normal people (2000 est.) 69/km² (37th) | ||||||||
| Elevation - Highest point - Mean - Lowest point |
Super Bowl XXXIII m East Denver m Colfax Avenue m | ||||||||
| Admission to Union | August 1, 1876 (38th) | ||||||||
| Governor | John Elway (D) (1976-2019) Jared Polis (D) (2019-present) | ||||||||
| U.S. Senators | Amy Adams (D) Eric Cartman (D) | ||||||||
| Time zone(s) | 4:20: UTC-unknown | ||||||||
| Abbreviations - Postal service - ISO 3166-2 |
CO US-CO | ||||||||
| Web site | www.marijuanamoment.net | ||||||||
Colorado is a U.S. state famous for its close proximity to Rocky Mountains. Its capital is alleged to be Denver, although 0.01% of Hippies agree that it's Boulder. Evanglical Christians and Pot Heads (which are ultimately the same thing) insist that it is Colorado Springs. It really doesn't matter which of the three are the capital of Colorado; they're all within Colorado.
Due to its high altitude, Colorado is home to several mountain resorts from which Dank Nuggets and people can easily be transported to and from. (Also due to this high altitude, weed warehouses are normal).
The name "Colorado" was given to the state by the Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, once the head of Colorado's law enforcement. Colorado is the Highest state around, if you want to go to a state and get really really high, well they don't call Denver The Mile High City for nothing. "Dude go to the doc and tell him you have hemroids and you need weed for the pain."
History of the Square State[edit | edit source]
Colorado was discovered by the famous Starfleet explorer Christopher Pike in 1812, in spite of the fact that there were already people living there (who don't count) and in the course of being heroically captured by the Spanish (who also do not count). Pike landed on Pikes Peak and named it after himself. Pike mapped the area using an extremely long ruler, and named the vast rectangular swath of awesomeness "rectangular swath of awesomeness", which translates into Spanish as "Colorado". (Although the Martian account for the name (see above) is pretty legit, as well)
In the following years, as settlers poured in, the US Congress granted Colorado territorial status on the condition that they would forbid slavery and same-race marriage. Two states were eventually carved out of the large territory: Colorado (a geometrically perfect rectangle), and (as an after-thought) Wyoming. In 1876, Colorado finally achieved statehood and entered the Union as a Non-smoking but marijuana legal state for all eternity .
In 1999, there was a war between Colorado and Utah called the Corner War. This war was fought over which of the two states would get to be a four sided rectangular state. Obviously, Colorado won the war by default, leaving Utah in the state it's in (pun intended). Had Utah won the war, they wouldn't have to drive out of state anymore to get illegal fireworks because Evanston would be a city within the beautiful rectangular state of Utah.
In 2002 Utah tried to invade the state once more during the Mormon Invasion. Utah, which is full of Mormons tried to invade Colorado due to the fact that Utah was full because the Mormons would not stop fucking and had too many kids. Colorado easily won the war on the first Sunday of the war, as the Mormons were all at Church. The governor of Utah was punished for this move by being forced to live in Utah for the rest of his life and only listen to Nickelback.
In 2007, Colorado decided to have a baseball team. In a spurt of menergy, the Coloradans won the thing that you win in baseball, but got jipped because we're not cool enough.
In 1963, 1972, 1985, 1997, 2002 and again in 2007, Coloradans unsuccessfully attempted to liberate Colorado from the Californian and Texan invasions, which have ruined the state's highways, literacy rate, over-all sex appeal and dignity. The latest attempt involved luring the Texans away from the state by shipping vast quantities of guns and George W Bushes out of the state, while luring the Californians away with extensive amounts of pot and long-boards. Unfortunately, the city of Boulder smoked all the pot before the plan was implemented, and the Texans all got a hold of the guns and proceeded to shoot each other, which, thankfully, lead to the death of thousands upon thousands of Texans.
Recent hopes in deterring the still steady CA-TX invasion have been anchored in the fact that the Californians and Texans have built enough crap and trashed the state up enough that its so ugly that people won't want to come here anymore.
An alternate plan was devised to combat the invasion: the colonization of Wyoming. In 2010, Coloradoans planned an invasion of its northern neighbor in hopes of forming a decoy tourist colony. The colony would be advertised to Texans and Californians in hopes that they would migrate. Once the plan succeeded, the border would be militarized, rivaling Korea. This plan failed when the weather warmed up and people went back outside...away from the internet...where they conjure up such things....at 2:30am....with homework to do.
State data[edit | edit source]
The capital city of Colorado may or may not be Englewood, which is the state's second largest city after Wyoming City if any city in Wyoming actually consisted of more than cows and a farmer with four hundred pet bears. Colorado is one of the slowest growing states in the union, due to how incredibly difficult it is to breathe there. Contrary to popular belief Denver is not the capital of Colorado, it was stripped of it's title as capital when it admitted to having stolen it's name from a popular folk singer.
Because of a bizarre mix-up in the 2000 census, Colorado is currently represented in Congress by three million senators, all of whom bear the nickname 'Nighthorse'. The State's population consists of 10 million former Californians, 6 million former Texans, 5.8 million former Texan dogs, 960,000 homeless veterans, 45 native Coloradans, 700 escapees from Wyoming, 14 Russiann communists, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Major cities[edit | edit source]
From Aurora to Zebulon, your guide to Colorado's "major cities", most are small boring areas that should be avoided. Once you have finished reading this another 100,000 Californians will have just moved in.
Hooper[edit | edit source]
One of the best towns in Colorado, hands down. Right next to the Great Sand Dunes. About 45 minutes away, to be exact. It's hard to complain about it, considering almost no one lives there. Down the road, there's a crazy guy that lives in a tower that's used for hunting aliens. You can even ask him about it; he'll let you stay the night in some tents to help him find aliens. Did I mention there's an alligator farm there? There's a fucking alligator farm.
Golden[edit | edit source]
is a nice town if you're either rich as hell or smart as fuck. as soon as you drive in the area of Golden, you see the big M on the mountain which stands for Mines or "My-life-sucks-so-i'm-going-to-this-school-cause-i-have-nothing-better-to-do-with-my-life-than-study-and-jack-off." Colorado School Of Mines campus is located in downtown Golden. You never see the college kids unless there is a football game or some kind of festival going on such as "Buffalo Bill Days". The things to do in this town are limited to biking, hiking, walking or running bummer for the fatties. That is of course, doing one of those things until you reach downtown where all you can do is spend all the money you don't have in the over priced shops, try to breath, or eat. Denver is there for all the rest.
Lakewood[edit | edit source]
A Denver suburb, which has the 5th largest population in the state. Probably the chillest city in the whole state, where you can get blazed off dank weed and go to school the same day. Home of the band Jaded Future and many chill motherfuckers. About half white, and half Mexican with an occasional splash of blacks and chinks thrown in there. The main form of transportation is the longboard skateboard mixed with the shitty 90's Honda.
Aurora[edit | edit source]
is a 3-bedroom/3-car garage/4-toilet community for working stiffs of nearby Denver, and the totally fictions American dream right off the TV screen. Most people there have no dicks and slash or, anuses. Dogs in nearby towns are known to have more than one sexual partner at a time and bums are frequent in the grocery stores. Often it can be hard to acchieve anything in this town, and if your lucky, you'll die quick of typhus. The Denver International Airport (the weird looking tepee-shaped terminal ceiling) is a fucking joke. It took 40 years to build it and another 40 to open it for business. Many find it stupid that the pride of Denver is overlooked by a satanic horse.
Westminster[edit | edit source]
is actually the 6th or seventh largest city in Colorado, and has at least the same population of all of North Colorado, or Wyoming as some hicks call it. It boasts an "open space" program, however that may just refer to the square footage of all of the new McMansions, as the total open space in Westminster amounts to 42 square millimeters, as recorded by the county. If you are ever unsure if you are in Westminster, just ask yourself if all of the houses look the same. The answer should be "yes", "where the Hell am I?", or "Oh, god, this is insane!"
Lyons[edit | edit source]
also known as Boulder junior, is a small town lost somewhere near in the foothills northlyeast of Soviet Russia. Life there is monotonous and boring. It was founded by Mormons, who build a huge ass church and left. Little more is known about the town's history, because the town's historian is so damn long-winded. Listeners who fall under her spell either fall asleep or commit suicide. Death by town historian has claimed forty-two deaths to date, as recorded in the town morgue. In the middle of July and August, hippies from everywhere in the world congregate for the greatest traffic jam the world has ever seen. Mormons usually convert half of them, which makes you wonder where they keep coming from. See also Telluride, below.
Denver[edit | edit source]
- Main article: Denver
the anti-capital of Colorado and center of state culture, stole its name from a popular folk singer. The city's original name was Deutschendorfville (translated in English as "Place to Stay on the Way to California to Mine Furiously for Golden Nuggets", thus leading to the naming of the Colorado NBA basketball team, the Denver Furious Miners). Tourists and state residents alike travel to Denver on weekends to shop for goods not available at home, like bread, butter, milk, and bricks of plastic. The common misconception that the city is "mile high" is supported by all the residents in Denver, who vehemently claim that Denver is "5,280 feet high, not a mile high, dumb-butts!". For a free ride on the bus, offer to smoke up the driver.
Colorado Springs[edit | edit source]
also know as "Little Utah," is headquarters to GONAD, a military base secretly set up in the mountains, where they secretly experiment with mind control, Russian Reversals, Rush Limbaugh, and weed. Its existence is denied by everyone. It's the swearing capital of the world. In fact, anyone who writes about it is shot on sight. I hope that I don't count a-SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL! THEY'RE ALREADY HERE! HELP! SEND H It is also purported to be the site of Pike's Peak, a mountain on which the song Amerika the Spadeful was written on fishing bait. Colorado Springs is also considered to be the world's city with the largest traffic, with car sizes reaching up to 800 feet high and highways as wide as 86 miles, though Colorado Springs's area is less than that of Denver's. There is a large car hazard called The General Palmer Statue located atop a grammar school that comes to life at night that tends to destroy all fast moving metal objects.
There is a famous bar name in Colorado Springs named Leonard's II Bar & Karaoke which contains at least 50 signs containing the word fuck. Even the owner of the tavern who talks nothing but to say "fuck." Colorado Springs is also home to the Garden of the Gods and the Stargate program. There is a Military facility solely devoted to the manufacture of tires and weed located in Cheyanne Mountain.
Highlands Ranch[edit | edit source]
is a suburb of a suburb of a wasteland of Denver. Known for its roving bands of soccer moms, Highlands Ranch is always in competition with its younger, not-as-smart cousin or hip, Castle Rock. Highlands Ranch may be most famous for absorbing nearly 50% of the people who enter it. It is thought that these people become lost amongst the architecturally banal squalor, are eaten by the residents, or commit suicide after entering the local walgreens.
Pueblo[edit | edit source]
south of Colorado Springs, is never pronounced the same way twice, even by long-time residents. Alternate pronunciations include Pyew-Blow, Peb-Low, Pub-Blow, Casper, and Pablo. The reason for this mucked-up municipal moniker is simple. Potheads, who swore off marijuana centuries ago, migrated from Boulder to Pueblo to become indigent wine-drinking alcoholics in similar vein to the residents of Fresno, California.
Greeley[edit | edit source]
Is opposite of Hawaii, and if it was not for the University of Northern Colorado being there, it would be demolished because it sucks. The University of Northern Colorado is better than any other University in Colorado due to the fact that the students are not pretentious fuck-heads like the students in Fort Collins and Boulder
Glenwood[edit | edit source]
Home mostly to emo dykes, emo Mexicans and wannabe-emos who tragically suffer from spontaneous bouts of unwarranted self importance. Several residing emos in this area falsely claim to be Myspace celebrities. Allegedly, all the "cool" emos work at the local Pac-Sun while the "loser" emos work at the Zumiez an extremely long walk, six stores away. The only notable sights to be seen in Glenwood are the grave of some used-to-be-famous guy that nobody gives a shit about, a mall with twelve stores (which suck)a Target and a Taco Bell. There is also a PETCO that many people go and pleasure them selves with the parrots and gerbils. It's likely that the place will eventually burn down due to constant wild fires, most of which are set by the town's population of suicidal emos. Glenwood is emo central. It is best to avoid Glenwood at all costs.
Durango
Located in the southwest corner of the state (New Mexico), Durango is the world mountain biking capital. Because of this, it is the best city in the entire state. The city government consists of nothing but dumbasses who do nothing but continuously work on roads that don't need to be fixed. Unfortunately, there are too many mormons in Durango, which knocks it down a few points. There is also a river in Durango (shocker) but nobody cares about that.
Agriculture & economy[edit | edit source]
Colorado is the nation's main supplier of Wyoming tumbleweed, Wyoming sagebrush, Wyoming sagethistle, and worthless volcanic ash. Southern Colorado is the nation's leading supplier of bigots, having single-handedly convinced Martina Navratilovadykeovich to permanently move out of the state. Colorado also supports a booming tourist industry by exporting its own tourists to other more interesting states. Eastern Colorado also has a few cornfields but nothing are as impressive as the massive Corn Fields named Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa. Also known to make a huge amount of Corn Syrup as well as Corn Starch.
Trivial crap[edit | edit source]
Colorado's state song is "O, Wyoming", which was composed by John Cage in 1904, in Wyoming's "Worst State Song Ever" competition (just barely beating out the second worst entry, "I Left My Spleen in Wyoming City, Colorado").
- State Tree: That one over there
- State Bird: Colorado blue spruce
- State Flower: Carnivorous flying sagebrush
- State Mushroom: Green 1-UP
- State Color: Ado
- State sex position: Reverse Cowgirl
- State Dinosuar: Who the fuck cares?
- State Symbol: Peking Duck fucking Poison Oak while hanging upside down
- State State: Maryland.
- State Language: Boulderees
Heidegger lived in Colorado for a while, until he decided that Colorado is not a function of truth but a function of 'richtigkeit'. He could of course do nothing else than move.
Swearing is legal in Colorado, you can swear all you want.
Wyoming has more Tasers per capita than any other country at an average of 18 Tasers per person.
Starhorse's arch-nemesis, Hercules, is from Colorado.
Famous Coloradoans[edit | edit source]
- Alfred Packer, a renowned 18th-century gourmand.
- Those idiot kids from South Park
- Buffalo Bill Cody, who was actually from Iowa and Kansas and Utah and Illinois and New York, and Europe, and Nebraska, and just about everywhere else on Earth except Colorado. He died in Denver, though, and they kept him.
- John Denver, who was actually from New Mexico and Arizona and California...
- John Elway, who was actually from Washington, Montana and California. Sensing a theme here.
See also[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
- The Wyoming Conspiracy - Wyoming Doesn't Exist ! (archived at the WaybackMachine.org)
- Beware of Wyoming (archived at the WaybackMachine.org)
- Remove Wyoming - We all know it doesn't exist anyway ! (archived at the WaybackMachine.org)
 | This article was mentioned in Denver Westword, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here. |