John Elway

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John Elway, holding a gun.

John Elway was a general for the Denver Broncos military squad. He is also undeniably the GOAT of NFL QBs, despite having played his college ball with the Stanford Cardinal. He was born in Orlando, Florida on July 4, 1856, a century ago when the Manchester United lost the United States to the Boston Red Sox. He later on auditioned for the Major League Bloodbath to become a general for his team, the Denver Broncos. After 3 failed attempts of world domination, Gen. Elway succeeded in 1998, though his victory was obviously satisfying, but very short lived as he was killed in action during World War I from friendly fire on May 19, 1916. Elway then became one with the Shield and as a force ghost, served as the Broncos' general manager but failed miserably at it.

General Stats

General John Elway won innumerable awards in his military career, from the medal of honor he earned when he was a general, to the MVP (Murderer of Vandals in Pittsburgh). He has killed the most people in Broncos history, ranging over 50,000 terrorists killed, mostly Raiders from Los Angeles and Oakland and also Browns from the Grand Republic of Cleveland. Gen. Elway remains the most winningest General to this date. In his honor, the city of Denver created a car dealership in his name.

However, for years, the Broncos failed to win the ultimate prize, the Superb Owl, a legendary bird as legendary as Sasquatch. Gen. Elway, like rest of his fellow former cadets from the Bloodbath Military Academy class of 1883, embarked on an Ahab-like quest to capture it, only to be beaten down by rival squads led by the likes of Joe of Montana, Giants, and the unsufferable Cowboys of Dallas. His failure to capture the creature made him the laughingstock of all the land.

The last battle: May 19, 1916

In the Battle of Euthanasia, his army was diminishing from the terrorists there, then came his last moments...he was being shot at by the enemies there, notably a certain gunslinger named Brett Favre. Gen. Elway began rallying his few remaining troops to win the battle. The Denver Broncos Military Squad would defeat the terrorist force and win The Battle of Euthanasia, but at a terrible price; while making one final suicidal charge, Gen. Elway was shot by Green Bay Packers, who had resorted to using a rail gun with their own defenders as ammo. Elway instantly and obviously died from the shot as did that poor defender being shot at him, getting spun around like a goddamn helicopter and breaking every old man bone in his body. But depsite Elway's sacrifice, he still landed a live grenade, made of some sparkly glowy green mystery metal, into the end zone, obliterating the enemy and some choking birds one year into the future and thus securing two years' worth of Superb Owls at last for the city of Denver. What a badass death.

For going out like a total boss while winning the ultimate prize, Elway posthumously earned another Medal of Honor for his courageous acts of courage. On the other hand, his fellow cadets from the academy, namely one Captain Daniel Constantine "Italian Jet Slayer" Marino and one Sergeant James Edward "Jimmy Koke-Guns" Kelly, died unglorious deaths leading their squads to the middle of fucking nowhere in search of the Superb Owl and earning absolutely nothing. Kelly did have the distinction of being pooped on by the Superb Owl itself four times in a row before dying of dysentery shortly afterwards, while Marino broke his back singlehandedly carrying his squad near it twice, then got mauled to death by a pack of wild Jaguars. Well, at least Kelly and Marino were posthumously inducted into the Bloodbath Hall of Fame with Elway; the other cadets from their class, including Ken O'Brien, Todd Blackledge, and that other cadet whose name is now known only to God, died completely forgotten by history as their wee little stomachs and immune systems were unable to survive even the academy's cafeteria fare.

The Great General Manager in the Sky

Though Elway valiantly laid down his life, his sacrifice somehow broke the barrier of time-space and affected the years 1998 and 1999. Due to this butterfly effect, Elway's spirit travelled through time to influence future generals as General Manager. He still sucked ass though, except for the time that Peyton Manning became the Broncos' general, only due to his massive forehead being able to break through the time-space barrier to communicate with Elway's spirit, and Tim Tebow having enough faith to believe in the power of the Almighty El-Weh. At least for one season before he was run out of town by those weed-smoking heretics in Denver. All other generals, namely Jake Plummer the plumber, Jay Cutler, who didn't care at all, Russell Wilson, who was too short to reach into the time-space continuum, and literally everyone else, sucked ass.

Finally, Elway, tired of no other generals reaching his levels of greatness and the Broncos sucking ass, declared "fuck it, I quit" and closed his Twitch stream into this world and any further Broncos matches in Bloodbath. He is now playing sky golf in retirement with the Force Spirits of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, Anakin Skywalker, Arnold Palmer, and Phil Mickelson.

War... war never changes. Except it did.

Second Family

Being depressed from his loss of Superbowl XXIV in 1990, John Elway got drunk and had sex with a hermaphrodite slut named Mrs. Cartman, who gave birth to Elway's child 9 months later. Elway returned to his real family, and the slut moved to South Park, Colorado, where her son grew up to be Eric Cartman.

OJ murder trial

At the murder trial of OJ Simpson in 1995, the prosecution kept trying to drag John Elway into it by their constant references to a slow white Bronco.

Quotes

“He was a better general than I was when I commanded the Green Bay Packers to war in 1996.”

~ Brett Favre on John Elway

“You tell me, Favre.”

~ Jim Kelly and Dan Marino on Favre's statement

“My father is John Elway, My father is John Elway, ner ner ner ner”

~ Eric Cartman on John Elway

“Come on Eric, let's go get some ice cream.”

~ John Elway on Eric Cartman

“I thought your mom was your dad.”

~ Kyle Broflovski on the previous statement

“AY! YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU STUPID JEW!”

~ Cartman on the previous statement

“Who cares? BRETT FAVRE!”

~ John Madden on John Elway