John Elway

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Elway.

John Elway was a general for the Denver Broncos military squad. He is also undeniably the GOAT of NFL QBs, despite having played his college ball with the Stanford Cardinal. He was born in Orlando, Florida on July 4, 1856, a century ago when the Manchester United lost the United States to the Boston Red Sox. He later on auditioned for the Major League Bloodbath to become a general for his team, the Denver Broncos. After 3 failed attempts of world domination, Gen. Elway succeeded in 1998. Though his victory was obviously satisfying ,but very short lived. He was killed in action during World War I from friendly fire from the Baltimore ORLY-oles general, Eddie Murray on May 19, 1916. He was only 59 years old.

General Stats[edit | edit source]

General John Elway won a lot of awards in his military career, from the medal of honor he earned when he was a general, to the MVP (Murderer of Vandals in Pittsburgh). He has killed the most people on the Broncos, ranging over 50,000 terrorists killed. Gen. Elway is the most winningest General to this date. in his honor, the city of Denver created a car dealership in his name. He is a cool guy

The last battle: May 19, 1916[edit | edit source]

In the Battle of Euthanasia, his army was diminishing from the terrorists there, then came his last moments...he was being shot at by the enemies there. Gen. Elway began rallying his few troops to win the battle. The Denver Broncos Military Squad would defeat the terrorist force and win The Battle of Euthanasia but Gen. Elway was was shot by Oakland Raiders. Gen. Elway instantly died from the shot, but earned a Medal of Honor for his courageous acts of courage.

Second Family[edit | edit source]

Being depressed from his loss of Superbowl XXIV in 1990, John Elway got drunk and had sex with a hermaphrodite slut named Mrs. Cartman. Mrs. Cartman was impregnated with Elway's child, who was born 9 months later. Elway returned to his real family, and the slut moved to South Park,Colorado, where her son grew up to be Eric Cartman.

OJ murder trial[edit | edit source]

At the murder trial of OJ Simpson in 1995, the prosecution kept trying to drag John Elway into it by their constant references to a slow white Bronco.

Quotes[edit | edit source]

Well, this guy Fucking Killed more people than I do today!

Steve Ballmer on John Elway

He was a better general than I was when I commanded the Green Bay Packers to war in 1996.

Brett Favre on John Elway

My father is John Elway, My father is John Elway, ner ner ner ner

Eric Cartman on John Elway

Come on Eric, let's go get some ice cream.

John Elway on Eric Cartman

I thought your mom was your dad.

Kyle Broflovski on the previous statement


Cartman on the previous statement

Who cares? BRETT FAVRE!

John Madden on John Elway