~ Rex watching himself play“Okay, Rex my lad, you can have another chance as starter this season”
~ Lovie Smith on deciding things while drunk.“I throw it to the guys in the purple helmets right?”
~ Rex Grossman before a game against the Minnesota Vikings.
Rex Daniel Grossman, III (born August 23, 1980) is an Mexican-American football quarterback for the Washington Wizards of the National Football League (NFL). Grossman played college football for the University of Florida, and thereafter, he has played privately for the Chicago Bears and Houston Texans of the NFL(No one should have known).
Grossman was the starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears until 2007. He gained this position by trapping Kyle Orton in a gingerbread house. Grossman now displays the neck beard prominently around his neck as a sign of his virility. It's well known that Grossman's bones are made out of plaster and glass. Also, he is blind in both eyes and has the unique ability to spot the only covered man on the field. Rex Grossman is also the Swahili phrase for "King of the Luckiest Bitchin' 13-3 in NFL History." Rex is a Latinate word for king, while "Grossman" is the word for "wrong-way". "Gross, man!" is a common phrase used to describe NFC North teams' style of play.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Most of Grossman’s early records were destroyed by a mysterious arsonist known as Gex Rrosssman. Gex Rrosssman was also well know for his ability to ejaculate a very flammable substance, he was about to light a joint but he then ejaculated the flammable cum all over the papers which instantly started to burn. However, research conducted by the NWA revealed that Rex was born, Miguel Sanchez, in Cambodia. Rex, or Sanchez was an esteemed car thief, earning honors as Cambodia’s #1 Car Thief of Honda minivans for nine consecutive years. By coincide, or perhaps by pure destiny, American GI’s captured Sanchez during the Cambodian Incursion. Sanchez spent the next four years as fire starter, causing twenty-one separate forest fires in Vietnam and Laos. In 1971, the VietCong attacked Sanchez’s platoon. The VC failed to recognize Sanchez as one of their own and imprisoned him in a POW camp until John McCain, Rambo, Andy Samberg saved him in 1988. En route to America, Sanchez threw a priceless T-Rex bone at McCain. The bone hit McCain, and knocked him out, causing Mr. Roboto to say “Gross man! He got boned by a Rex!”. Sanchez memorized the senseless jargon, and soon began to repeat it whenever people spoke English. Eventually, due to incoherent speech, people began to think his name was Rex “Bang a Gone” Grossman.
Sanchez (er… Grossman) landed in the middle of the Bronx, where he restarted his car-stealing career. Sometime in the 90’s, Grossman killed a teenager, while attempting to steal his car. Grossman latter discovered that the boys name was also “Rex Grossman”. Grossman assumed his identity, and the rest was, as they say, history.
Grossman struggled during his high school years, as most of peers shunned him due to obsession with stealing cars and burning dog shit on Brett Favre’s lawn. He tried everything to earn their respect, including playing football. Grossman recalled his prior experience with throwing things, and quickly left the football field and went to the museum. Grossman stole a plethora of dinosaur bones and used them to kill his opponents. His exploits earned him the title, King of the Douche, since he claimed ownership of the religion after uncovering the bones of some Jewish man named Amy Whinehouse. The University of Florida saw his potential, and offered him a scholarship to their school of witchcraft. Grossman accepted, and accomplished many meaningless feats. In his most notable accomplishment, he sunk the lost city of Atlantis while attempting to conjure a glass of whiskey.
Grossman earned national recognition on the football field after throwing a game winning touchdown pass while smoking (self-proclaimed) “medicinal” marijuana. From Gross Man! To Grass Man, he became a sensation at Thug U, smoking many a bowl. He completed his collegiate career with a Heretic’s Degree in Blasphemy, and an Apprentice’s Degree in witchcraft, formally known as liberal arts.
Football career[edit | edit source]“Fuck it, I'm going deep!” “You mean I aim the ball at the guys on MY team?” “Talent? Don't need it. Never said I did.” “Hey bears fans remember when i was playing in the super bowl ” “Man, I love choking when the spotlight is all on me”
The Washington Dynasty drafted Grossman in the 1st round of 2001 NFL Draft. However, Grossman had other plans, and insisted the Bears play other quarterbacks while he stole cars in nearby McDonalds. Therefore, the Bears organizations made up various excuses, mainly pertaining to the breaking made up bones. Grossman allegedly missed the 2004 season with a broken “konomuclus spincter”, meaning he had H1N1 from having oral Sex with a pig. Meanwhile, the Bears began to use other undead quarterbacks to cover Grossman’s tracks. After Grossmans car got stolen the only thing he could say was "I love shitty movie remakes".
After missing several seasons, Grossman returned to the football field in 2005 by ripping off Kyle Orton’s beard and decapitating Chad Hutchinson, making him King of the World(In his mind). Grossman was pleased to resume control of the Bears’ offense, saying, "Well, shit, Trent Dilfer got a Super Bowl ring the same way. Fo Sho!". Ironically, a group of Black Panthers lynched Dilfer the following Sunday..
In 2006, Grossman ate the soul of legendary Bear's quarterback Sid Luckman and gained his super powers. It was later confirmed that these observations were made by one testicled individuals such as Lance Armstrong. During week six of the 2006 season, Grossman stopped to take a piss at an Arizonian Gas station. After spending an eternity urinating, Brian Urlacher, stormed into the restroom and accidentally grabbed a Rex-look-alike, and forced him unto the team Bus. The Real Rex turned up weeks later, but was signed by the Cuban Comrades, the best soccer team in Latin America. Urlacher himself had to venture to Cuba to reclaim Grossman, But Grossman was caught sucking Lovie Smith's dick so he could play in the Super Bowl
After weeks of searching, the Real Rex was finally found. The Chicago Tribune claims he was hustling blind people in chess, while running an apparent bull-shit three ring circus. Grossman has stated he is eager to return to the Bears, and relieve emergency quarterback, Adolf Hitler, of his position. Hitler on the the hand, attempted to cook Grossman in his gas chamber, but was foiled by the Scooby-Doo gang. Grossman was never the same.
The final game of his career came on February 4, 2007, a day that Chicagoans will remember in infamy. On Super Bowl Sunday, he faced Peyton Manning, who claimed he would slash, gash, and cut Grossman’s ass for killing his Cousin, Steve McNair. Grossman’s Super Bowl outing was a stark polar opposite to his famed “Slingin’ in the Rain” college game; his critics dubbed the game, “cock sucking in the rain”, while fans masturbated to him. Grossman threw 22 interceptions in 18 attempts, including a pass intended for Colts’ Defender Bugaboo Jones that was caught by Bears’ receiver Muhsin Muhammad . The team was defeated by Joseph Addai, who won the SB MVP award, only to have it ripped from his hands by Manning. Manning later went on to win the Stanley Cup, and defeat “The Great One”(Yes, Cristobal Huet). Grossman was subsequently deported from the country. He was last seen living in San Francisco, California, which seceded from the US in 2006. Grossman returned to Chicago in August, with a bitch of a erection from watching too much man on man porn. Lovie Smith, assuming Grossman had resurrected from the dead, prompted him to starting quaterback. However, Brian Griese reclaimed the role in the subsequent weeks following a gun fight.
Life after football[edit | edit source]
After the shooting, Grossman spent a significant period of his life as a history detective. Unfortunately, the only case he could get through was a case of donuts. He also dabbled time as a member of a rap group called, DMREX, which featured Grossman with Donovan McNabb, Cade McNown (who is as almighty as Chuck Norris), and Daunte Culpepper (who sucks) many other professional football failures. The rap group garnered much success in East Los Angeles. Their popularity culminated in 2009, when the Crips selected the band’s hit song, “Rex, Lies, and Statutory Rape” to be their battle hymn in the great battle for Los Angeles. Grossman was present during the Crips’ epic defeat in 2010, claiming, “Wow, even the paraplegic Bloods’ member is more mobile than me ”. According to Reports from the New York Times, Edgerrin James and Grossman were blasted off into space in search of a cure for cancer, and failed miserably. Grossman recently fused with his college football coach Rex Grossman to create the menace known simply as Tits Magee.
Fun facts about Rex Grossman[edit | edit source]
- Rex Grossman's ancestors can be traced back to the jurassic period and were known as interceptaurus rexes
- Rex Grossman can deep throat an entire polish sausage without choking.
- Grossman is so flexible he can give himself frequent reach arounds.
- Caught salmonella having sex with a rooster.
- Tours with The Village People as an understudy in case this football thing doesn't work out.
- Is a terrific alto soprano.
- Can not go within 100 feet of Lance Bass, court order.
- Would like to someday visit Uranus.
- Owns a collie.....and some peanut butter.
- Big Ricky Martin fan.
- Lost his virginity backstage at a Mr. Universe competition.
- Rex Grossman hates Brussel spouts.
- Has a tattoo of Steve-O on his taint.
- Grossman produces only the highest quality bestiality pornography.
- Is fond of elderly fornication, and can go fornicate himself.
- Has worn out that one scene in Deliverance.
- Plays with He-Man dolls, but not in a healthy way.
- LOVES throwing the ball to the other team.
- Is sofa king we Johnny Boy.
- Science can not explain why he has a wet egg noodle for an arm.
- Doesn't bathe. Believes it's his right as a Mexican American.
- Is widely considered to have the stupidest first name in all of football.
- He is a cunt
- He is a twat
- He is shit
- He sucks nutsack
- He holds the best ever pass completion percentage in the nfl(to opposition players)
- He gets no bigger buzz than the one he gets when throwing interceptions
- He is a heroine addict
- He still thinks he's playing football.
- Voted as "The worst piece of shit of the decade" by Blueball Magazine.
- Wants to bag Katie Couric in bed, but would rather play with himself to do that.
- Calls Lovie Smith " Coach hate your fucking guts, dillhole!"
- After leaving the Chicago Bears, Rex implanted some of his DNA inside of Jay Cutler, so that Cutler would be as awesome as Grossman is.
- Never gets an erection from watching lesbian porn, just man on man, loving every minute of it.
- Never kisses on the first date, just asks them hom much money for the night.
- Wishes to one day meet his uncle in law, Tom Cable.
- Has the unique ability to spot the only marked man on the field
- Runs the gay porn industry in Washington