Brian Griese
“Ya damn right I'm pissed! That old bastard can't go fuckin' deep. I'm the Gross-bomb bitches.”
“The Bears need me instead of Rex. If they want to make the playoffs, they should bring the Grease-man in. Oh Yeah! Next question.”
“PLAYOFFS!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! PLAYOFFS!?!”
Brian Griese (born March 18, 1975) is a NFL quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. However, his most famous run was during his stay with Da Bears as the anti-Christ of Chicago, after he successfully kidnapped Rex Grossman. He is also credited as being the first person to store plutonium in their left-eye socket.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
On February 30th, 1934, Dolphins quarterback Bob Griese and head coach Don Shula decided that both of them should create a super Dolphin. In order to accomplish this task, they had to make love on top of Larry Csonka. After only three weeks inside of Don Shula, Brian Griese popped out of Shula's vagina and threw his own afterbirth right into the doctors hands, even though he was covered by two nurses.
In the spring of 1958, Griese committed to Puerto Rican State to play quarterback. During his freshman year, he accumulated 4,577 yards, 87 touchdowns, and 1/2 an interception while completing only 28% of his passes. Griese boasted one of the strongest arms in the whole damn world. Able to throw 132 yards at 245 mph, he was used by the United States Army to throw rockets from airplanes during air strikes through southeast Asia. After the 1958 season, Griese was unanimously awarded the Heisman Trophy. However, as he picked up the 375lbs trophy, he broke his right shoulder off the bone. Three days following successful reattachment surgery, he announced that he would leave college football to rehabilitate his arm.
Setbacks and Second College Stint[edit | edit source]
Griese started rehabilitation by masterbating nearly ten times a day with his right hand. Doctors said that this would not only help alieviate pain, but repair damage to his arm by building strength. However, during his fifth year of rehab, Griese lost all feeling in his legs and groin. Doctors performed a ten hour nerve surgery, six hours were devoted to getting his sticky pants unpried from his groin and upper-thigh.
After the surgery, Griese was forced to stop rehab until his legs fully healed. During this time, he turned to a diet of Cheetos, beer, and NyQuil. Griese spent most of his time running a sex ring operation and bed and breakfast out the back of his minivan, making only enough to buy booze and cocaine. Sometimes, Griese would do cocaine off a hooker's chest and then savagely fuck them in the ass (because Don Shula taught him that during his days in the crack house). He became violent and depressed and offed almost 1/2 of the hookers involved in his sex ring, including Joe Montana.
Having lost all faith in his return, Griese handed himself over to God, but God handed him back. Griese was screwed. However, he found salvation in University of Michigan coach Lloyd Carr. Carr used his special powers, that were bestowed upon him by the almighty Bo Schembechler, to heal Griese.
In the fall of 1994, Brian Griese easily beat out Ryan Leaf and Chris Leak to become the starting quarterback for the University of Michigan. However, unlike his freshman year at Puerto Rican State, Griese had no arm strength, but he managed to just throw to anyone within four yards of him. Therefore, he piled up 402 yards, 28 touchdowns, and a record 134 interceptions with a 88% completion rating in his first season at Michigan. After mildly improving to 5,688 yards, 92 touchdowns, and 1/4 of an interception with a 100% completion rating his senior year, Griese surprisingly became eligble for the NFL Draft. He was picked by the Denver Broncos.
Early Career[edit | edit source]
After one full season of being John Elway's bitch, Griese was given an opportunity to be starting quarterback in 1999. Griese had a decent year throwing every pass to Shannon Sharpe. Griese and Sharpe became known as the "Dink-and-Dump Connection" with Griese being the "Dink", because of his short passing ability, and Sharpe being the "Dump", because he represents garbage.
But after Sharpe left for Baltimore in 2000, Griese had no dump to dink to and went on a downward spiral. Even when the "Dump", Sharpe, returned, the "Dink", Griese, still struggled and was eventually ridden out of Denver backwards on an ass in 2003. The NFL stated that where ever the ass stopped is where Griese would play. After a seventy day journey, the ass stopped in Miami. Luckily for Griese, his dad (Bob Griese) and mom (Don Shula-Griese) used their clout on the already feeble minded Dave Wannstedt to make Griese the starting quarterback. Griese started the season out well, but teammate Ricky Williams became a bad influence on him. He turned to marijuana to relieve the stress of living up to his father's name. Although it seemed okay, whenever Griese threw an interception, he would just smile, laugh, and hug his teammates. This behavior didn't really frustrate Wannstedt or his feeble mind, but it did upset his trademark mustache, who ultimately released Griese in 2004.
The following season, he found new life with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This time, Griese wasn't the starting quarterback. Jon Gruden stuck behind his current quarterback Brad Johnson, which eventually made Griese cry. After his father, saw Brian cry, he filed a grievance with the NFL and NFLPA. After a full investigation, the league ruled in favor of the Grieses. On September 30, 2004, Brad Johnson was executed by a firing squad, making Brian Griese the Buccaneers staring quarterback. After lighting up the league for two straight seasons, second year quarterback Chris Simms went to his father and demanded they get rid of Griese so he could be the starter. Simms and his father sought Gruden for help since Gruden was still upset that Griese caused the execution of his boyfriend Brad Johnson. The three of them decided to have Mike Alstott destroy Brian Griese, and during a game in October of 2005, as Brian Griese went to hand the ball of to Mike Alstott, Alstott took off his cleat and stabbed Griese over fifteen times in the knee causing an ACL tear. Griese was sidelined for the rest of the year as Chris Simms took the reins as starter.
After being released in the offseason, Griese's options were limited because he sucked. However, on March 24th, 2006, Da Bears called Brian Griese in order to save the city from the Rex Grossman. Thus began a mission to somehow become the Savior of Chicago.
DA BEARS[edit | edit source]
In 2006, Brian Griese lurked behind Rex Grossman all season. Grossman terrified the city of Chicago by throwing countless interceptions and fumbling during key moments of games. His play caused over 78,000 deaths and nearly 120,000 severe heart attacks in the state of Illinois alone. Grossman had horrifying sex pictures of Lovie Smith, management, and the entire Bears' roster, and as a result, the team stood behind him. Despite Grossman's horror, Da Bears made it to the Super Bowl. Grossman won Super Bowl MVP after throwing two interceptions and causing two fumbles that helped the opposing Indianapolis Colts pave the way to victory.
During the offseason, Brian Griese strategized a way to take out Rex Grossman. After the third game of the 2007 season when Rex threw 8 interceptions and molested thousands of fans at Soldier Field, Brian Griese shot him in his knee ending both his season and career. Amidst a plethora of cheers, Griese was heralded the new starter and given the key to the city. Emperor Richard M. Daley called him, from that day forward, the Savior of Chicago. Grossman, however, was not done. He possessed the body of Kyle Orton by lacing Orton's marijuana with his blood. Orton eventually beat him for the staring job because Griese sucked balls, giant elephant balls to be exact. Due to this defeat, Emperor Daley repealed Griese's title as Savior of Chicago and called him, from this day forward, the anti-christ of Chicago. Today, Grossman and Orton have since joined forces as the Bears' starting QB and are called the Sexy-Neck Beard by the Chicago Sun-times.
Return to Tampa Bay[edit | edit source]
Jon Gruden figured there was no use in letting Jeff Garcia stay behind center to rape all the team's centers and decided to trade for Griese. Tampa Bay traded three cases of beer and Rex Grossman's other testicle, which was found in Jeff Garcia's mouth, to the Bears for Griese. He would eventually replace Garcia as starter in September 2008, regaining his popularity in Tampa Bay. Griese was often featured in local tabloids during his secret rendezvous with Pamela Anderson and then again with Dakota Fanning. He was also seen dining with populat athletes like Kwame Brown and Jalen Rose. After finishing the season with 1,988 yards, 12 TD, and 32 INT, he was named league MVP and made his 9th Pro Bowl. After another stellar season in 2009, throwing 2,276 yards, 15 TD, and 41 INT, Griese again captured MVP honors and won the Super Bowl by defeating the evil New England Patriots 79-0. The lopsided victory was partially caused by Griese throwing Tom Brady and his wife Bill Belichick-Brady off a building hours before the game, forcing the Patriots to be coached and quarterbacked by Ernest Borgnine and Abe Vigoda respectively. Shortly after the game, he announced his retirement. Due to his impact on the game, he was put on immediate ballot for Hall of Fame induction in 2010 and later became a unanimous selection.
Mayoral bid[edit | edit source]
Due to his popularity in the Tampa Bay area, Griese decided to throw his hat into the ring for the city's Mayoral race in 2010. He ran as a Communist and believed in using TIF funds to build the city's new library. However, Griese's campaign was unsuccessful after losing to Jon Gruden in the election by 25 percentage points.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Griese owns three bobble head dolls of Dan Patrick.
- Griese once fatally shot a group of Iranian terrorists with a rubber band and chewed-up piece of gum
- He is accused of tricking Rex Grossman into thinking Kyle Orton was going to steal his ham sandwich before training camp in 2007. In a fit of anger, Grossman slashed the tires on Orton's car, causing the car to spiral off a cliff. Orton is still paralyzed but manages to play and be overrated by most analysts.
- Griese's cousin, William Shatner, is often credited as his first influence after Shatner taught him how to read defenses and escape pass rushes.