Tua Tagovailoa
 Blink and you'll miss him slingin' that peashooter | |
| No. 1 – Miami Dolphins | |
|---|---|
| Position: | World's fastest pea shooter |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
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| Height: | 6' 1" |
| Weight: | 200 pounds of fire |
| Career information | |
| College: | Alabama |
| NFL Draft: | 2020 / Round: 1 / Pick: Not #1, but that's okay, right?, Right? |
| Career history | |
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| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records
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| Career NFL statistics | |
| TD-INT rate: | Yes |
| Completion percentage: | "Fuck it, Tyreek or Waddle out there somewhere" |
| Wins in September: | All of them |
| Wins in December: | None of them |
| Playoff wins: | 😢 |
| Average pass completion: | 25 yards |
| Maximum range: | 25 yards. Wait.. |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
“STAHP THROWING THE BALL SO FAST!”
“Hey, hell of a season, dude”
“I just fell in love with him”
“Hey there little buddy! Still wished it were colder?”
“I'M MEELTIIING!”
“What's up, fellow fraud!”
“He givin' me a run for my WHOLE LOTTA MONEY. #CTESPN”
TuanigamanuolepolavolaholayolahukachakahakachakahuukachakalakachaIIIIIIIIImhookedonafeeling[1] Donny "Canned Tuna" Tagovailoa[2] is an American fire god and "overhyped" football quarterback that plays for the Miami Dolphins of the No Fun League. Tua has the ability to throw to any man 25 yards downfield with perfect pinpoint accuracy and his fucking rocket pea shooter of an arm. Any further, welp..
Player profile[edit | edit source]
Now you may be asking me why a so-called fire god would have a pea shooter and not an arm cannon like Patrick Mahomes, Joe Burrow and Josh Allen, but here's the catch: this godly pea shooter shoots faster than any other quarterback in the league. Who needs downfield throwing power when you can simply dump off to Tyreek Hill on a slant and have him run 99 yards every time he catches the ball? That gunslinging pea shooter needs to be faster than anyone else, lest a defender knocks Tua on the ground and jars a screw in his head loose. That pea shooter will also throw the ball up for eternity each time he goes deep, but hey, it works every time, 60% of the time! Almost as if the ball knows when to come down into Tyreek's breadbasket, as long as no decent defensive back is covering Tyreek and also as long as Tyreek didn't outrun Tua's limited range. Tua also has the ability to withstand temperatures up to 2,000 °F (1093 °C) unlike Allen and Joe "Ice man" Burrow, both of whom would get heat strokes and overheat, melting into the turf. On the flip side, Tua will fail to play effectively in weather that is 40°F (4°C) or less, where Allen and Burrow thrive. In addition to this, Tua was the first left-handed quarterback to be drafted since Tim Tebow, and Tua isn't even fucking left-handed, he's right-handed but throws as a lefty because his father told him to. This means that Tua has two rockets pea shooters for each arm. What a chad.
There is a high chance that when you talk to any non-Dolphins fan like this guy or this guy about Tua they will call him a fraud, but people who call him a fraud are fucking haters. How can you hate this guy? He literally has a fucking fundraiser for youth wellness. Now that's a wholesome quarterback if I've ever seen one. Tua has not made a Superb Owl or even been to the second round of the playoffs because playoff games are usually very cold, and Tua fails to play in cold weather. Now that's a true Hawai'ian if I've ever seen one. Due to this, Tua has opted that playoff games under 50 °F (10 °C) to be played in Miami for the "well-being" of players (although this is just an excuse to get out of playing in slightly cold weather). Unfortunately, the scheduling rules don't work that way. But we can discount all of the games Tua has played in cold weather, without Tyreek Hill or Jaylen Waddle, and against teams that are actually good, right? Right?[3]
Early years[edit | edit source]
Tua was born in an active volcano in Hawaii on March 2, 1998. Shortly after he was born, the volcano erupted, making Tua unstoppable in the heat. He was said to have an unhealthy interest in football, playing with his friends until he passed out. Due to this, Tua went to an technology facility in western Poland where professionals installed a microchip in his brain making him completely invulnerable to overly playing sports, and making Tua invincible to any levels of heat. However, this also made Tua very vulnerable to the cold (hence why he has been losing to Joe Burrow and the Bengals lately). just got good, real good. When Tua was younger he could also play much better than he does today, as he was able to throw more than 30 yards while his unskillful Pee-Wee teammates could only throw 10 yards. In addition, in his high school varsity days, Tua would get brutally beaten by his dad when he threw a pick, but that clearly that had no affect on his pro performance.
Roll Tide![edit | edit source]
When it was time for young Tua to choose what college to go to, Papa Tagovailoa wanted Tua to stay home, play for the University of Hawaii, and become an astronaut, but Tua chose Alabama instead. Pops got angry for the defiance and threatened to open another can of whoopass, but Tua and coach Nick Saban explained that 'Bama could actually give Tua a good chance of succeeding in the pros, citing other success stories such as Joe Namath, Greg McElroy, Freddy Kitchens, Jake Coker, and A. J. McCarron, and that McCarron even got a smokin' hot babe as a girlfriend during his time as the Crimson Tide's signal caller. The smokin' hot girlfriend part sold Papa Tagovailoa on allowing Tua to attend Alabama.
In his freshman year, Tagovailoa was able to obtain the 10th highest GPA in all of the Tuscaloosa campus, by virtue of pretty much everyone else in the state of Alabama, even the college students, being "quite special", typical of all schools in the SEC. He sat behind the tush of Jalen "Tush Push" Hurts on the Crimson Tide's roster, but when Hurts began to hurt from running the tush push too many times in the College Football Championship, Saban sat his tush down and sent in Tua, who could now throw 50 yards or further and led 'Bama to yet another college football championship win. Having a normal quarterback, well, a quarterback who could actually throw the ball, even if it were left-handed, was enough to convince Saban to permanently start Tua. In his first press conference since being benched, Hurts stated he was totally fine with losing his starting position over a seemingly bullshit reason and being Tua's backup, but eventually cracked and transferred to Oklahoma at the first opportunity.
Tua really kicked ass in his next two years, becoming insanely good at one play, and one play only, the RPO,[4] until he met a linebacker seemingly made of ice against Tennessee, twisting his ankle. Some quick, hot surgery fixed his bum ankle in time, but then he met another ice-god linebacker against Mississippi State. This time, his noggin' took a beating, activating all that damage from Papa Tagovailoa and causing Tua to experience a 404 error in that microchip, suffer a nosebleed, reducing his accurate throwing range by 40%, and pop his hip out.[5] Some emergency surgery seemed to do the trick for the most part and Tua got his microchip replaced, but he'd be fine, right?
Soon afterwards, "RPO" Tua decided that getting a full college degree was for pussies and that he'd skip his senior year and go straight into the NFL despite his hip injury, saying "I'll be perfectly fine, right?"
Professional Florida Man career[edit | edit source]
After Miami fired head coach Adam "Cocaine" Gase, who took his drug operation with him to the New York Jets and gave everyone there fentanyl poisoning, new head coach Brian Flores tried to play it cool and claimed they were "not tanking" with gunslinging conman Ryan Fitzpatrick and weenie-armed Josh Rosen as their options at quarterback. Unfortunately, Rosen was a weenie and Miami nearly went 0-16 before Fitzmagic turned the team around, only to blow it, finish 5-11, and screw the Dolphins out of the top pick in the draft.
Fortunately for the Dolphins, Tua was knocked down from being the hottest thang since cocaine in the 80s to being just the third best option at quarterback, due to his hip injury. In fact, this worked out perfectly for Miami, as Joe Burrow, taken first overall by Cincinnati, would have baked to death in that Miami weather wearing his sheisty. Unfortunately for Tua, Brian Flores hated his guts for God knows what reason and handled him with kid gloves his first two seasons. Flores tried to make a power move and get Tua shipped off the team after he led the Dolphins to winning records but no playoffs, but Dolphins owner Stephen Ross counter-offered by giving Flores an offer he "couldn't resist". When Flores ignored the dead horse head in his bed, Ross rounded up all his goonies and had them send Flores into the ocean to "sleep with the fishies".
McDaniel era[edit | edit source]
Ross replaced Flores with Mike McDaniel, an overly excited nerd who was good with numbers and calculations, and also traded for Tyreek Hill, a wicked fast courier who also had a penchant for beating his kids. McDaniel, 'Reek, and Tua developed a natural chemistry working with each other and created the fastest drug operation in the NFL, even beating Josh Allen once. McDaniel also morphed into a literal drug kingpin working with the fastest processor in Tua and the fastest couriers in 'Reek and Jaylen Waddle.
The result was the FASTEST OFFENSE IN THE LEAGUE! Tua throws that RPO slant route so fast, and 'Reek and Waddle and.. whoever that running back is.. are so damn fast! We just dumped 700 points on the Raiders and Broncos! This is totally sustainable! We're winning the Super Bowl! Right? Right?
Unfortunately, Tua ran into trouble and got his noggin' crushed several times during that first season. In fact, he got his noggin crushed precisely due to throwing the ball too quickly and living la Vida Loca. Stupid light shove from Matt Milano, who should know that Tua likes to land on his head a lot and therefore shouldn't be shoved.
But it's all good, according to the Dolphins' medical staff, it's only back spasms. Right? Right?
Uhh, fingers shouldn't look like that, right? Right? Okay, he actually got a concussion.
And after a year of staying healthy while gaining 20 pounds of muscle and being less fragile, Tua decided to take Ozempic the following year because he didn't like being "fat"! It's okay! He didn't need all that extra weight, now that he lost 40 pounds, he'll be faster than Lamar Jackson! Right? Right?
And now Tua is out for the next few games due to his latest concussion from running helmet first into the defender. But it's okay! As you haters keep saying, Tua is a "system quarterback" who only flourished due to McDaniel's system and "being unfairly blessed with speedy receivers". Tyler Huntley and Skylar Thompson can fill in for Tua and take us to the playoffs and destroy Buffalo! It's all good! McDaniel will just make everyone better by giving them cocaine! Right??
.....
God damn it, we're screwed this year, aren't we? Tell stupid Stephen Ross to get Tua some better offensive linemen and make him bulk up again. That, or get a more durable quarterback who can throw farther than 25 yards.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Uh... does anyone know how to pronounce his full first name? Let's just call him "Tua" then
- ↑ Pronounced "Tongue 'o-vai-low-a", but alternatively "Turn-da-ball-ovah" in Buffalo, New York, New Jersey, and Boston
- ↑ Josh Allen gets to make excuses, why can't we Dolphins fans?
- ↑ As is common for 'Bama quarterbacks, they only seem to be good at one play. Tua's successor, Mac "Slants" Jones even became good at slants, and only slants
- ↑ Oof, how do you overcome that last injury?
