Protected page


From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“I'll make Poland a second Japan

~ Polish ex-ex-ex-president Lech Wałęsa during his presidency on the most failed idea any Pole ever invented[1]

“I'll make Poland a second Ireland

~ Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk on the second most failed idea any Pole ever invented[2]
Roman Catholic Republic of Poland
Flag of Poles.svg Godelko.gif
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "You forgot Poland!" (Alternative: "Mazel tov!")
Anthem: "Hej, sokoły" (same like Yugoslavian, just faster)
(World map by John Kerry, but... where the fuck is Poland?)
CapitalWallsall or War Saw (Piła bojowa) renamed to Duckburg (Kaczogród) in 2005
Largest cityWąchock, Szczebrzeszyn, Swornegacie, Pszczyna, Southampton
Official language(s)Hebrew, Yiddish, Tiếng Việt
GovernmentCorrupted Democracy
PornstarDouble-headed Your Mom
 of Independence
Yesterday. Probably. Maybe. Who the fuck knows? Whos the fuck cares?
Religionsect of priest Rydzyk, paganism, duckism, Potatoism, and Orthodox Catholic Movement
Major exportsSmoking, alcoholism, Sausage, Sausage-related dick jokes, emigrants to London, parts of Ireland and of course Scotland en masse, drinking their National Currency and wines, listening to Radio Maryja

A forgotten, no longer officially socialist village located on a small island in the Baltic Sea, Poland is famous for its corridor, which was a big political issue. The Polish Corridor was the origin of corridor politics. About 50% of all people who are alive today that come from Poland now live in Ireland. I know this because some Polish bitch took my job in Super-Valu! Not to mention that the younger ones around 14 years old sing the Soviet anthem whenever they get the chance!That's it, I'm going to speak German all the time the next time I go over there. The nation of Poland has a poulation of around 22.5 due to virtually every Polish person moving to Ireland & Great Britain or to USA in the past. Here, they occupy the worst parts of every city, town or any settlement that they can find. In Ireland they usually get stabbed by Irish teenagers from warzone areas such as finglas, blanchardstown, tallaght and clondalkin. Polish people aren't allowed into Limerick or they'll be stabbed. There are no people in Poland and it is understood that the uninhabited country is populated solely by field mice and their president of course.

Relations with other countries

“PWN'T, N00b!”

~ Germany and Russia on Poland

“Get the feck out of our feckin' country! Dirty feckers...”

~ Scotland on Poland

“Poles, so dirty, they sure stick together.”

~ Americans' favorite polish joke on Poland


Poland is the Anti-Indonesia.

So we have:

Therefore, if Poland or Indonesia were ever to meet, interact, or touch in any way shape or form, all existence would be destroyed. Ironically, Indonesia has forgotten Poland.


Poland is the Adjoint-Inverse of Malta.

So we have:

As a result, Poland and Malta form hermitian bijections onto each other.


Poland once had a National Library; however it had to be closed down because someone stole the book.


Students are required to wear awesome uniforms in order to attend school throughout the nation. The colour and decorations of each student's uniform are dictated by his/her marks and achievements/failings.

Uniforms in Polish High School

Uniform colors and marks

  • violet - A (Expert in Advanced Physics)
  • red - B (Expert in Higher Mathematics)
  • white, light grey - C (Expert in Rocket Science)
  • dark grey, black - D (Expert in Medicine)
  • blue - E (Expert in Linguistic Theory)
  • green - F (Expert in Protonomics)
  • yellow - G (Expert in N-Dimensional Chess)
  • orange - U (Expert in Blanking Uncyclopedia Pages)
  • pink - Z (Expert in the sexual harassment)


  • exposed chest - class president
  • no trousers - student often arrives late for class
  • fez - student has excelled in a certain discipline (the fez provides protection for his/her head as the climate in Poland is typically very cold)
  • stuffed animal - student still wets the bed during nap time (primarily used to absorb the urine)


A furious group of individuals living in special separated, boobytrapped and armed zones called akademiki (dormitories). Students, like America's students, are famous for their ability to exist without food, water, showers, or kitten huffing. They have evolved to gain energy directly from the Polish currency - wudzia, mainly in the flavours Paris Blue and Sky above Chernobyl.

The main form of income in Poland comes from students who pay for their failed exams several times. Students who don't pay on time are shot without warning, beaten on the balls, raped, and sent to Siberia. It is called the September Campaign.

Medical Care

The Poles take a hands-on approach to ensuring sanitation

Medical care is a very specific aspect of polish life. Doctors, nurses and other medical staff are heavily armed and they received prize for each scalp of the patient, called "skin" (skóra). The special section of polish hospitals is the hospital of Łódź, which is the greatest producer of the human skins. Generally, in Polish hospitals, a medicament called "pavulon" is officially recognized as a panaceum for all possible and impossible illnesses; including motion sickness, madness (especially voting on doubleplusungood political candidates), organ atrophy (except of brain), bone fracture and zombification. Since brain atrophy is so common in Poland, the locals ignore it.

History of Poland

You may be looking for invasion and not even know it!

Roman Giertych - Polish almost prime minister almost elected in 2005. Since 5th of May 2006 Polish minister of education. Son of almost president. "Go gay-American dream!"

The Polish are scum; that is a scientific fact. Since all people are scum anyway, that is an unimportant fact.

Jumping apparently out of nowhere (in night, so no one exactly know when it was established), Poland almost instantly began to spread legs for anyone who wants its piece. (This is how pole dancing got its name, and how the long rod that go-go bars use as a dance tool came to be known as a "pole". Lapland joined in the fun, too.) The first written mentions of Poland come exclusively from nations and other entities (especially tourists who made a wrong turn three hours before and mentally retarded children), whom raided, raped, eviscerated and fucked up whole country several times. But fun ends, when one guy with idiotic nickname Mieszko said "Enough, you fucknuts!".

First known date from Poland is 1410, when Jagiełło (another idiotic nickname, but we don't give a shit) made a bet with Emo-Hitler over the two crappy swords (Excalibur and the Samurai Katana). The loser had to walk whole day with these swords in his anus. Unfortunately, Jagiełło lost. From this time, all Poles have been assholes. Literally. Later, Poland joined Lithuania to found the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth.

Poland did, however, save Western Europe from the barbarity of the Ottoman Empire by massacring 300,000 Turkish soldiers who were gypsying around the environs of Vienna, looking for work. So they can't be all bad? Right?

The most important moment in Poland history came in 1939, when Polish (Kazimierz the Small) and German (Otto the Idiot) leader repeated the old bet. Of course, polish poor fuck again lost his bet. (Whatever that means.)

Of course, there was some cowboy named Bogdan Chmielnicki, who overran various towns and liked to burn cities down for fun, but since he was a nut nobody paid any attention to him. They were too busy making fun of him as a "wannabe Genghis Khan".

The nation of Poland suffered a tremendous tragedy after World War III, when the Lithuanian army repatriated the Polish city of Wilno and forced the inhabitants to return to their motherland. The resulting overpopulation caused a famine of unseen proportions which claimed all of the displaced residents of Wilno. After that polish people invented the only way to bring freedom back to Wilno. This way was wudzia. They produced it a lot, then invite all Lithuanians for birthday and forced them to drink. Quickly the Wilno was back in Poland and Lithuanians back in hospitals.

Poland after the Second World War

Poland was completely flattened after all the Germans wandered across to look at Poland's new bike. The Germans were quite adamant that they should ride the bike, but Poland's mum had told Poland that this was a bike of the state and should not be rented to the capitalist Nazi German oppressors, considering how long Polands's mum worked in the tractor factory in order to buy one.

Andrzej Więckowski, former crowned king of Poland, allied with Kenyan ambassador Amrita Naul, Hongien Kongien Queen Tara Jagtiani and Duchess of Ipswich Gill Turner to form an alliance of brick layers to build a wall to keep the bloody Germans out. Despite the relative ease of the task, and the success of the West Germans to keep the bloody bread queuing potato shagging communists, and their shell-suits out, the Polish succumbed to the distraction of a banana brought by Naul, and gave up on wall building, to stare at it's yellowness. Following such, the communists, each armed solely with a potato hanging from their penises, invaded Poland, and forced everyone to listen to abba and wear a shell suit.


The Polish military is well known for its elite hang glider, submarine, horseman-with-lance, and armoured divisions. However, the Polish ninja infantry is still relatively unknown despite their key roles in the assassinations of Adolf Hitler, JFK, Superman, Olivia Newton John Travolta and Marlon Brando (to name but a few).

However, they all proved useless when Germany and Russia killed Poland by running it over with a tank. Poland's family demanded Germany and Russia pay Poland's life insurance policy from the insurance company Western Alliance Policy Inc. They refused, and the company had no choice but to intervene violently. This led to the company's involvement in WWII. After the war, Stalin used Commie Voo-Doo to resurrect Poland from the dead, only as a communist. Poland then tried to annex the Baltic Sea, but got its ass kicked when the company demanded its money back and beat up Poland.

Poland's military is currently being trained by General Carlos Ruíz. Ruiz the biggest general to lead combat in Guatemala is training the Pole army to grow some balls and to attack Germany for making life so miserable. In the next few months Guatemala will send their army and guerilla fighters over to Poland, to whip them into shape.


Historic electoral poster of Leszek Balcerowicz from really old Polish election in 1956.

In Poland, elections are banned. Instead of this, every five years polish people enjoy so-called (in)famous pig race in biggest circus in Poland. Every president (and deputy) candidate sit on genetically engineered wild pigs from most distant and dark corners of Poland. They run in circles in circus tent, drinking hectolitres of wudzia, screaming obscenites at each other, throwing shit (often their own), run into walls and generally causing big mess, until tent falls. Winner is that candidate or deputy, whom still can move after that madness.

There is something called the Sejm, aka the "Same", which is supposed to be part of the government. It gets its name from the fact that everyone wants change, so politicians promise change, but don't change anything.

Strange polish parliament is composed from many apolitical and non-political parties from over the all world, such as:

  • Slutty Little Dickies: mindless drones of chubby-cheeked Aleksander "Acid" Kwaśniewski.
  • Anally Weaseled Sempertines: long-dead corpse, and is really stinking.
  • Puking Ovens: killed mercilessly by Kaczyński, whom assimilated their poor-ass leader.
  • Outlaw and Injustice: currently ruling leftist-anarchistic-fascist party.
  • Lenin Putin Russia: raging communistic bastards, infiltrated by Father Director Teddy Rydzyk.
  • SelfAttack(*): self-attacked by Andrzej Lepper and sinked succesfully. But their time will come.
  • Non-Political Block for Fucking Reforms: name says it all. Led by the infamously antisocial Lech Wałęsa.
  • Big Jewish Zyd: Mostly there so everyone else has someone to blame when thing aren't exactly perfect.

(*) SelfAttack is only a popular, informal name of this party, while officially it was registerd as SelfOffense with abbreviation SO.

Actual winner of Poland pig race are Puking Ovens and their leader Donald Duck.

Positive pole.

National Legends

A very old legend tells of two members of a student society. The two knights, Lassak and Simo, famous for their battles with the angry amazons of The Dean's Office in the Kingdom of Cracow Technical University (Politechnika Krakowska), survivors of the endless September Campaigns, they are believed to be still engaged in a relentless struggle for their Master's Degrees.

Other legends include that of the Infamous Giant Talking Frog of Rumia. Rumia is a small village in northern Poland, situated about halfway between Hell and some other town situated twice as far from Hell as Rumia. In Rumia, there is a small, shallow and muddy lake. The Lake is the home of Infamous Giant Talking Frog of Rumia. Once every thousand years, the Frog emerges from the lake. Once it has sat on the sands of the lake's shore, it looks to the left, it looks to the right... and then, it speaks! And do you know what it says? ............. "You can all kiss my ass!"


"Charm of mother-in-law" - most exclusive wine from Poland.


The national currency of Poland is the zloty (litr). It is produced in denominations of 1 zl, 2 zl, 5 zl or groszy. Like most other countries, polish money is minted from metal or printed on paper.

The Polish government enforces a strict set of rules to restrict what can be served as money to the general public. Due to these regulations, the almost only money that is actually available to the public is wudzia (though underground cells opposed to government oppression distribute a much better transparent liquid called wudka or sometimes spiryt). The process of producing wudzia is a secret that is tightly kept by the government (the sole producer of the liquid), but international spies suggest that the liquid is distilled through the tentacles of Wawelski dragon through a process of reverse osmosis.

Lately, a new currency appeared here, thanks to threats and bribes from European Union. People of Poland drinks more and more wines, produced out of cheap grape sos and calcium. They have often very smart and very well thought names, which often sound exclusive like:

  • "Wino" (Wine)
  • "Etanol" (Ethanol)
  • "Metanol" (Methanol)
  • "Denaturat" (Denatured alcohol)

The Poles are very proud of their money. They can often be found discussing which foundries produce the best money for hours without end. Some polish people will even engage in consuming money in public.

At this time, Poland is using zloty as currency.


Polish toliet taps are main source of beer, yellow dye and sediment rock, major export products of Poland.

The most famous polish company is Great Wall Investment owned by ultracatholic Jerzy Urban which sell over the world plastic models of walls and specializes also in publishing of Bible in 1001 versions, adapting this famous comic to all ultracatholic sects in the universe. For example: Green Bible, Bible of the Laden, Bible Original ver. corrected or Bible for Animals - ver. acustic.

The Polish workingclass

Polish roads are famous throughout the world. Roads like this one are very common. Sign says Tree in the road.

Poland is also regarded as Europe's Mexico, which means that hordes of polish emigrants venture out to far corners of Europe. They work their ass off for nothing less than half of the minimum-wage, blindingly spreading their disease of wodzia, Lada Powah and more or less suspicious activities, involving their female relatives, for making some extra cash. You can easily pick out a "polish-occupied" camping-site by the abnormally amount of Lada's, empty wudzia bottles and general trash.

A popular leisure-time pursuit in Poland is the game of hide and seek. An average Pole spends 60 years of their life doing it, most of the time under the sinks of English Restaurants. One of the most popular hiding places in Poland is in the back of a truck. Most of the hiders take several months to be found, but it's very rarely the Polish seeker who does so. The British Border and Immigration Agency are somewhat more skilled in the art of seeking, but not at the art of counting. Once found, the Pole is then paid by the government to seek.

Polish workers are proud craftsmen. They pick strawberries like no one, and polish painters can do without any kind of ventilation. Polish construction-workers require no heating nor lighting. This is because our dearly beloved Polish stand-up hardworking, sodomizing and godfearing craftsmen keep themselves warm with insane amounts of wudzia. And since they also show a total ignorance for working safety, this often leads to explosions and wildfire, which in it's turn nullifies the need for light.

In the long run this keeps the flow of Polish workers steady. We both can meet new incarnations of these infamous creatures and get the opportunity to engage in explicit activities with their female relatives.


Polish emigrants abroad in the USA are well known in the floor-care industry. This is generally attributed to a fortuitous event in 1979 when Jerzy Krosiński answered a classified ad looking for "men to polish floors."

The Roland Situation

To their horror, scientists discovered in 2006 that the word "Roland", is dangerously close to the word "Poland", with just one stroke in the difference. What makes this alphabetical situation "dangerous" is that if Roland is misspelled as Poland or the other way around, the whole time-space continuum will fall apart and all matter will disintegrate. This adds further to Poland's problems following the discovery of the Indonesia Situation in 2005.

Physical attributes

A Polish male using the Polish's latest weaponry. Other countries call it a "hoolahoop".
A Polish male. This photograph was taken when he was 100% sober.

The Polish typically have a lack of coordination. This is often exhibited simply by the way they walk, but is highlighted whenever they participate in physical activity.

Polish soccer players are renowned for their soccer abilities, simply because their erratic motions confuse their opponents (and unforunately often their own team mates). The result is that once a Polish player receives the ball, all others on the field immediately clear off in fear; the erratic leg-flailing of Pole with possession strikes a chord of fear into the opponents. The fear of bodily harm comes from a trick learned from the National Guatemalan team, which come onto the soccer pitch running like they are running from immigration officials, causing all white players to start crying out of confusion.

The Polish are famous for inventing Nail Polish. However, they hate the fact that everyone else on Earth calls them Polish, as well as Poles. Even if they are known for swinging & dancing on "Poles". The Politically Correct term for "Polish" is Polski (pl. Polski's). Polski's love it better when people and tourists call them Polski.


Obi-Wan Kenobi Street in Grabowiec, Poland

Shot your fuck up!”

~ The result of using English language by a Pole
Main article: Polish language

When a polish person speaks his native tongue(Polish) it sounds as if someone is opening a bottle of Sprite. You will quite frequently hear the sound ch sh ch zch and many more types of ch's. If you ask a polish person to teach you some polish, they will teach you the most hardest polish that exist in an effort to making you look like a fool. The sentance is something about a bug on a table.

Another commonly heard word from polish is chup chi chup. This means do you want to go to the bars. It also has another meaning, which is yes I want to go to the bars. So if you see two polish people repeat the phrase chup chi chup, then you have an idea where they are headed.

Royal Family/The Empress

Whilst Poland is not officially recognised to have a monarch and is nominally governed by a political party named after urine (PiS) due to the fact this is the substance most often thrown at them by the public to express discontentment at their style of governance, Poland is in fact led by an Empress called Fevvers, who inherited the throne when the last monarch, Stanisław August Poniatowski, died under suspicious circumstances in 1798 involving a bladed ornate hairpin that Empress Fevvers wears to this day. Empress Fevvers can perceive the 4th dimension directly and as such exists out of time, having lived more than 1,000 years by human standards, however having the physical features and tenacity of a 25-year-old woman.

The Empress's early life at court were difficult despite her having access to all the wealth and dresses she could ever need, and a void in her heart grew out of loneliness and a perceived lack of purpose. Other members of her family were always trying to get her to wed one of the thousands of foreign royal suitors around the world, all of whom were taken aback by her exquisite beauty, keen fashion sense and heavenly vocal aptitude, but the Empress knew better, rejecting them all in order to pursue a singing career where she could do the most good for Poland and the world due to a revolutionary stylistic adaptation of her voice to fight dangerous criminals.

Empress Fevvers's existence beyond the realms of the 4th dimension of time have come in handy when performing as a singer due to the fact it is impossible for her miscalculate rhythm, even when music is being played at 600bpm or more, which would afford even the most gifted conductor a Parkinson's Syndrome diagnosis if they attempted the same feat. She also used her gorgeous singing voice to fight crime in the suburbs of Warsaw and Krakow up until 2016, once bringing down Poland's most notorious drug kingpin, Geraldine, with a rendition of all of Schubert's arias simultaneously, knocking the evil ruffian off-balance and into a pile of nettles and thorns Empress Fevvers had prepared earlier due to her ability to predict the future. The local government officials and police force did not take kindly to her vigilantism and as such issued a warrant for her arrest because she made them "look incompetent". The Empress decided to leave her homeland behind as a result, despite her impressive combat skills and athleticism, since she does not like to harm others except in self-defence or to protect the innocent. As a result of the police's behaviour, The Empress decided to emigrate to the United Kingdom, justly seeing it as the birthplace of many of the most successful and talented musicians in the 20th-century and the perfect place for forming a rock band.

Shortly after arriving in England, The Empress attained sovereignty over all Polski Sklep stores in the country due to them being part of her lineage's inheritance, meaning only laws she approved of applied in these establishments. This enabled her to have a base of operations in every constituency from which she could compose music and prepare to battle London's lucrative crime industry. In 2017, she captured Jeffrey Epstein, accurately predicting that he was up to no good on a children's playground before the famous stories of his wrongdoing were revealed to the public. For this act, and many others, Empress Fevvers received a knighthood from The Queen of England.

People Who Have Not Forgotten Poland

Austria-Hungarian statesman Sun Yat-Sen ponders where Poland is exactly.

People of Poland (note: they are not famous)

  • Kaczyński (alias Kaczor), ruler of Poland
  • Shaquille O'Neal, Polish Jedi Master
  • Werner von Braun, mad scientist
One of the first contributions to the world, Poland becomes the first country to map Earth in 1982
  • Roman Giertych, politician
  • Grzegorz Rasiak, greatest soccer player
  • Jerzy Dudek, other soccer player
  • Andrzej Lepper, politician
  • Seweryn Gancarczyk, professional retard
  • Father Director Teddy Rydzyk, religious leader
  • Lech Wałęsa, ex-ex-expresident
  • Stefan Żeromski, writer
  • Miś Uszatek, polish invention that went so wrong
  • Andrew Golota, UFC fighter, who never won a fight
  • TurboDymoMan, former Polish superhero.

See also


  1. That was an epic fail due to three things: first of all Poles can drink much more without fainting, secondly: Poles can't read those retarded letters and finally: Pole will never die from hard work (karoshi), he will rather take a break
  2. He was actually quite successful with this idea as about half million Poles emmigrated to Ireland
Potatohead aqua.png
Featured version: 16 December 2005
This article has been featured on the front page. You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.Template:FA/16 December 2005Template:FA/2005Template:FQ/16 December 2005Template:FQ/2005