Marlon Brando

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This Article Is Not Endorsed By Marlon Brando
I may be dead, but I know what I like, and I don't like this ~ Marlon
Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones

Actor from the Golden Age of Hollywood. Brando is the fucking maaaaaaaaaaaan, he's the fucking maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! He's fucking good. All in all ... he's okay I guess. He had a fucking method, if you know what I mean.

He was in the Super Soldier movie series from 1957 to 1966 before he got help and was replaced by Greg Louganis. He also was famous for playing some fat Italian guy in The Godfather and an even fatter guy in Apocalypse, Take A Look At Me Now!!!. His nose also appeared in the two Godfather sequels.

Idolised by millions, his temporally fluxing origins remained a mystery to his fans for years. Ironically it was the time machine itself that eventually gave away his secret. Its position in his rear end proved a major problem for Brando's digestive system, and the continual backlog of half digested food played a pivotal role the actor's weight gain problems causing him to balloon up to well over 7000 lbs. The time machine was eventually removed by an emergency enema in 2002 and the actor's subsequent weight loss earned him the coveted title of Slimmer of the Year 2003.

A picture of Mr T named Marlon Brando for some reason

Brando didn't believe in shirts, and he launched a public campaign protesting the tyranny of shirts in 1950s America. He was notorious for ripping off his shirt at the most inopportune time, to show off his sexy torso. His actions produced a frenzy within the American Establishment, who asserted that Brando's action defied the Laws of God, Man, and Satan alike, and because every (man and) woman in America wanted Brando's address. In consequence to this intense media scrutiny over his taut, sexy torso and the controversy surrounding his shirtless politics, Brando fled to Tahiti and father 25 illegitimate children with several of his many mistresses.

There is much speculation over the origins of Brando's fabled time manipulation device. One popular theory has it that he received it in a blood pact with Satan in exchange for his very soul. Another states that as the last survivor of a war ravaged earth, he stumbled upon it in a secret pentagon bunker, pried it from the cold dead hands of its inventor, and set upon a one way journey to the past, in the vain hope that he could somehow avert mankind's awful destiny. Primarily through the hilarious medium of slapstick comedy. Brando's own eventual explanation was that he purchased it from the QVC Home Shopping network for the low low price of just $29.99 plus postage. This explanation is largely dismissed as boring.

Brando's career has died off in recent years, but in March 2005 he once again hit headlines by being the first Oscar nominated actor to remove himself from existence via the grandfather paradox. A title previously held by eleven-time academy award winner Brooke Shields XXXIV.

Brando was the only known immovable object in existence, but met his demise when he met an unstoppable force in the form of Vin Diesel in an unfortunate automobile accident.


The Loss of California[edit | edit source]

“You can’t see California without Marlon Brando's eyes ... Motherfucker!”

~ Slipknot on how to see California

For the first hundred and fifty years of its existence, California was the home of screen and song, smoke and mirrors, lights, camera, and hot, steamy action. Brando played a major part in this, and was a long-time fixture of the California landscape. After his travels to the future and the past, Brando arrived in the year 1992 to find that California was disappearing behind its own illusions.

Unable to help the citizens of California who were already blinded by their own illusions, Brando settled for giving tours to people from outside California while wearing a poor disguise that consisted of a fedora, handlebar mustache, bath robe and a fake birthmark that covered his entire face. Using his keen memory and heightened senses[citation needed] he was able to guide outsiders through the ever-shifting illusions of California. As time passed California only got worse, and by 2002 he had rediscovered his true purpose and inner motivation.

Brando was one of the only people who could still see the real California. In his words:

"The real California is a cesspool of stupid and irresponsible monsters who just want to snort coke and have sex with virtually everyone they know – men, women, it doesn't matter. Then they watch snuff films and drink some beer and wine and maybe the youths will go fuck animals at the zoo and get high while fucking each other and then maybe star in a film or two and be successful for a few years and then just go back to the same life style they had before they became famous assholes."
In the end, Brando was drinking for three.

After his death in 2003 it was said that "You can't see California without Marlon Brando's Eyes." Sadly, this remains true to this day.

Post death[edit | edit source]

Since his death due to chronic obesity, Rotting Corpse Brando, has been happily married to necrophilliac Richard Karn. Of course their relationship is only one of a sexual nature.

Brando's death helped him kick the nasty case of food addiction he had lived with since birth.

Also, following the timely death of James Brown, Marlon Brando has been bestowed the official yet meaningless title of "Godfather of Red Eyed Soul".

Marlon Brando after his death

Marlon Brando has since tried out for American Idol but instead of singing he turned Simon into a pile of organs and was quickly removed from the audition room when he was in the process of doing so to Randy.

In late 2007 Brando rose from the grave and caused havoc on Hollywood. He reportedly confronted Britney Spears outside of a nightclub and simply said to her, "You're a fucking loon," and went on his way. Some say he even ran into Bono and had a word with him saying, "Your music sucks. It just sucks." Experts say he will rise in fifteen years and may cause earthquakes and showers of blood.

It was rumored that Brando came back as Jor-el, Superman's father, and is living somewhere in the Arctic. This rumor hasn't yet been proven to this day.

See also[edit | edit source]