James Brown

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“It was a bit of an overstatement. I actually only felt okay, but that didn't sound as good in the song.”

~ James Brown on himself
James Brown seen here wearing his special cloak which makes him look exactly like the love child of R&B legend George Clinton and a pillowcase

Alright fellahs I'm about ready to get up write this article on James Brown, I wanna get into to it y'know...like a sex machine man...writing, doing it y'know...can I count it off? Can I count it off? One two three four...

James Brown, also known as the Godfather of Soul, was the hardest working man in Showbiz. Seriously. The guy never stopped! Where other artists would be content to just sing, James Brown even swept and re-painted the studios he was in while he recorded his songs! This helps to explain the many noises he made during the course of his songs - for years thought to be a sign of how damn Funky he was, the "Uh!" noises are actually him straining on the stepladder to reach that awkward corner.

Take it to the Bridge!''

Musical Career[edit | edit source]

James Brown, man, legend and high speed sweat generator, maintained his phenomenal work ethic throughout his career. In a musical career lasting over 40 years, the man never took a vacation, never had a break, never even had a single day off! As the man himself observed:

Towards the end of his career, he was accused of becoming almost a parody of himself - almost conforming to stereotype - which comments such as the above quote did little to change.

In the beginning, however, James was an innovator of soul with attitude - a man who helped put the 'fu' in 'funk'.

One more time!

Soul Mafia Career[edit | edit source]

Brown gets down in front of one his numerous getaway cars

The Godfather of Soul was more than just another self-publicising nickname Brown bestowed upon himself along with "Soul Brother Number One", "Sex Machine", "Mr. Dynamite", "Minister of The New New Super Heavy Funk",' and "Tiddles" (this last one struggled to catch on as well as the others). It was in fact a cunning double-bluff to disguise the fact that he was really the Godfather of a large criminal organisation known as the "Soul Mafia".

The Soul Mafia specialised in crimes that had a serious groove on - so audacious raids on jewellery stores, for example, were much more their brand new bag than anything as honky as a mugging.

Brown even attempted to boast about many of his gang's achievements in his finest songs, although they were heavily toned down before release by worried advisers. This is evidenced in such original working titles as "Papa's Got A Brand New Bag Of Cash From An Armored Car Heist", "Get Up Offa That Thing (We're Stealing It), and "Say It Loud, I'm A Criminal Overlord And I'm Proud".

Brown and his cohorts ruled much of the American Underworld with an iron fist and an undeniably funky beat for most of the '60s and '70s.

Make it funky!

Work Ethic[edit | edit source]

The "Hardest Working Man In Showbiz" tag was well deserved. Seriously, working the crowd, working the band, maintaining the Soul Mafia, working part time swing shift at Wendy's every other friday... It was a mystery as to how the hell the guy kept it up until he was in his 70s. Theories range from the predictable "drugs" to the far more likely "the power of Funk never stops, and so neither can its living embodiment, oh yeah!"

What is certain is that if he had been paid according to how hard he worked, an entirely new global economic system would have had to have been introduced in order to properly recompense him.


Death[edit | edit source]

This image is struggling to contain all the funk within

On Christmas Day of 2006, Brown's soul became too soulful for his mortal body, and he ascended to Funky Heaven. He's currently playing a giant concert for the rest of eternity, and has a second job giving soul donations to those who die without enough soul in their soul. In a recent interview, Brown's ghost condemned the musician Justin Bieber, stating that "he should just go'head and let his balls drop already." Brown then yelled a trademark "Uh!" and disappeared in a huge plume of purple smoke, leaving behind a glittering residue that scientists have found to be "concentrated funk".

OOH YEAH! Thankyou and goodnight, and remember: STAY FUNKY, Y'ALL!

See Also[edit | edit source]