Vatican City

Vatican City
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: He did kick me up the arse!
Anthem: Personal Jesus (Depeche Mode)
Official language(s)	Latin, denial
Government	Theocracy Mafia
‑ President	Saint Peter
‑ Prime Minister	God
‑ Secretary of State	Jesus Christ
‑ Bishop of Rome	Francis
National Hero(es)	Father Son Holy Spirit
Established	11 February 1929
Currency	Euro
Religion	Uh ... Buddhism?

Warning: Reading this article is a mortal sin! Vatican City is an incredibly small nation located in the Italian penninsula, surronded by the city of Rome. Despite its incredibly small territory, the Vatican City is one of the world's most powerful superpowers, having completely conquered both economically and culturally Europe and South America, as well as several territories in Africa and North America. Vatican City has been reigning supreme for almost two millenia, and has always strived to achieve world domination; however, it has been slowly losing its control over time, first with the appearance of Protestantism, and much later with the rising of Atheism, both of which Vatican City's armies has been fighting against in an attempt to reclaim the power they once had.

Demographics

Of the 1.3 billion Roman Catholics worldwide, 600 live in Vatican City. Vatican City currently maintains a policy known as "100% Catholic, No Darkies, No Muslims", as promulgated by Grand Pope Tarkin, meaning that its demographics remain stagnant at 99.9% Caucasian since the 1700s – including its average density of 2.27 popes per square kilometer.

Although 5% of the population are celibate by vocation, Vatican City has a higher fertility rate than the rest of Italy. Many priests have been in training for the repopulation of European Catholic countries under a plan known as Fickem Continualis, which calls for the Vatican to supply Catholic babies in increasing numbers when the ratio of Catholics to Muslims drops to less than 2:1. Under this plan, fertility and other drugs will replace Communion at Mass for nuns in the numerous orders in the Vatican, and priests with erection problems will be issued Viagra. Priests who prefer underage companions will be given special altar boy "assistants", but all priests will be required to close their eyes and think of little boys while doing their duty with an assigned nun.

Government

The Vatican is a theocracy run solely by a corrupt organization known as the Roman Catholic Church. The Vatican government serves as the mafioso headquarters of Catholicism and as the base of operations for the Papacy, which is currently occupied by Francis the talking mule. Catholics all over the world have had it pounded into their heads and butts (if they are little boys) that their first true allegiance is to the Holy See and to Mary – all else is secondary. All their political actions are disguised by religious creeds.

Military

The Vatican maintains an elite corps of superpowered soldiers. Only the fittest Swiss males are selected for membership. After completing four months of some of the longest attack, strength, defense, magic, range, and prayer training in the world – and a strict diet of boy serum – successful recruits receive a Dragon Chain and an Abby Whip. Anyone who laughs at their uniform risks being shot down by the crystal bows that all Swiss Guards hide under their freak hats.

Culture

Papa tastes the help.

Vatican number one hit: Salve Regina.

The Vatican is, of course, best known as a great center of evil Western imperialist culture, and the treasures and art locked within the secret vaults of St. Peter's Basilica reflect this notion. Unconfirmed reports state that the secret to unlocking happiness for each and every human being rests underground, where it belongs, but Vaticanites avidly deny this rumour, stating that "the price is not yet right".

Beautiful artwork also adorns the cathedrals in the Vatican, among them being the beautiful stained glass windows. Many other saints and important Catholic figures have been immortalized through such breathtaking artwork, although all artwork featuring Jesuits and other Masons in a positive light has been removed.

When meeting the Pope, basic etiquette dictates that he will first raise his hand and present his ring. One must then look him in the eye and tell him "He did kick me up the arse!"

The Vatican consists of many ancient buildings.

And catacombs. Don't forget the catacombs. You've never seen a cat use a comb?

Fun facts

My arse, my arse, my kingdom for thine arse.

Thus sayeth the Lord.

• Marijuana is legal in Vatican City, and is its main export. Much of it has been baked into those breaded Jesus things.
• The Vatican Library, of course, houses the world's greatest collection of child porn.
• You can see some of the past popes on display in glass cubes in the Vatican Pontiff Museum. Check out John XXIII giving the finger to Pius X.
• Shouting out random stuff backwards in Latin will earn you a special prize.
• The Vatican 100 Euro note has the inscription "In Dog we trust" and was designed by Brother Malegard the Dyslexic.
• To become Pope, it takes two-thirds plus one (except in the State of Florida) for the first 21 ballots, then the Cardinals may drop it down to a simple majority. If all else fails, an apple dunking contest is held, winner take all.
• Art 331 (1) of the Zanardelli Code, provides that the age of consent is set at 12.
• The best part of this show is that British people have a huge degree of paedophobia, and British catholics will stay clear of the Government of the Vatican.
• The Earth is flat. So are most nuns!
• It is a country with more pickpockets than population.
• Two songs are candidate for being a national anthem. One is called «Give me the Papacy Joanna». The other was written by Ed Sheeran, and he sings «I wish I could ha’ been Pope, but the Vatican said nope. And kindly take notice, its not your office».
• If you are eating at a pizzajoint near St Peters Square, it may be that the owner pays tax to Italy and the city of Rome. It has nothing to do with the Vatican, as you are still in Italy.
• The Head of the Swiss Guards cannot speak German in a Swiss accent. Reason being: He is fröm Värmtland.
• No one can accuse the Vatican for stashing away money of the IRA. New York does it better.
• Hello Magazine has a head office in all the five smallest countries in Europe. This is how they have an office right near Rome without being in Rome.
• Maradona said to Pope John Paul II «Do not strengthen the mob. I will do that».
• One citizen of the Vatican had documents on his person portraying Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio. This was Italian Lire. He was the last Vaticanian to have physical cash. Thus the Vatican is the only European country that has no Euros.
• The Vatican is one of a few countries were the people live in one city. Just like Russia.

In media

CSI: Vatican City is a TV Series inspired by the Catholic Church's duller and less agile members.

See also

• Rome
• Italy
• Mortal Sin
• Catholicism
• Communion
• The Threat of Festivus
• UnNews:Vatican decries "Miracle Bra"
• UnNews:Cardinals beat Tigers in 5 games to win World Series

External links

• Red Hot Catholic Love – At Twelve Years Old

Countries of Europe