Pope Leo XIV
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| Born |
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| Nationality | American, Peruvian |
| Occupation | hip hop musician pope |
| Office | Bishop of Rome |
| Predecessor | Pope Francis |
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Robert Francis Prevost, better known by his professional name Leo XIV and his stage name Dope Leo, is an American hip hop artist, businessman, and the current CEO of the Roman Catholic Church, LLC since 2025. He is notable for being the first person born in the United States and the second one born in the Americas to hold the position, which was previously dominated by swarthy Italians.
Early life[edit | edit source]
In true American fashion, Robert's genes came from an algamation of several nationalities, as his father was of French-Italian descent, and his mother, French-Spanish. This would make Robert half French, an unlucky curse he's had to bear throughout his life and would have made anyone else doubt the belief of an omnibenevolent god.
Career[edit | edit source]
Bishop[edit | edit source]
On 2014, Robert was appointed Prevost as apostolic administrator of the Diocese of Chicago; however, due to a typo he was instead sent to Chiclayo, a city in the middle of nowhere in Peru. There, Robert had to learn to speak Spanish with the locals, and added an 'O' at the end of his name to become Roberto Francisco Luján Carrión. Roberto's status as a white person in a country full of tanned people gave him several advantages, such as a higher education than the rest of people and the ability to socialize with forigners. This led him to become a respected figure within the Peruvian city, to the point that he eventually became a naturalized Peruvian citizen, making him half American, half French, a quarter Italian-Spanish, and half Peruvian.
Papacy[edit | edit source]
- Further information: UnNews:New Pope Alert!
In 21 April 2025, Leo's predecessor, Pope Francis, met an unlucky end after receiving a visit from the US Vice President JD Vance. The Vice President, who had previously engaged in a sinful, secret sexual encounter with a couch; confessed his sinful deeds to the Pope after touching his hand, and the Pope, whose soul was graced by the Holy Ghost, could not withstand such levels of heresy within his body. And so, he soon went to meet his creator shortly after.
After much debating within the heads of the Vatican, Robert was elected the new pope, to the disappointment of many people who wanted to see the first black pope. Many others were dismayed that Cardinal Pierbattista Pizzaballa (the current Latin Patriarch of Jerusalem) was also passed-over, even though his name is so cool. However (for reasons yet unknown) Pizzaballa changed his vote for Prevost at the last minute, thereby breaking the deadlocked papal convention.
Robert Francis then changed his name to Leo, in honor to his favourite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and taught the Italians how to cook Chicago-style pizza.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
As a native of South Side, Chicago, Pope Leo XIV is a Sox fan,[1] although this is complicated by reports that he was previously a member of the Cardinals. Vatican observers are still unsure if he is a fan of Da Bears.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
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