White people
| White folk | |
|---|---|
 A typical white person And that's pretty much it. I guess since no one really was childish and ignorant enough to sit in a room for over 500 years thinking of names to offend other people. | |
| Abilities | N/A |
| Resources | 90% of the world's |
| Attack | on sight |
| Weakness | easily offended |
| Control over | 90% of the world |
White people (also delicately called Crackas, Caucasians, and Honkies) are pasty, melanin-deficient humans who have been sprinkled throughout the planet to exploit its resources and boss around everyone of more humble colors. White people are smart (in ways that don't really matter) and complain about stupid stuff, even though they have it better than every other race.
Whites discriminate against everyone else. Non-whites, by comparison, don't discriminate against whites, because they don't have majority power, so it isn't discrimination even if they do. And whites have stupid names to insult members of other races. No one else does that. These albinescent people are the only race that believes in space aliens. (George Clinton and Louis Farrakhan don't count, because they are space aliens.) In fact, whites love to hear themselves talk so much that they assemble entire collections of their own words (known as books).
Whites forced other races into poverty while hiding their objectives by twisting the Word of God[1]. They are nespotic and afraid of anything they cannot control. They do not have a moral way of life—no respect for their mothers and they live entirely like snakes, except those in leadership. In recent years, they are trying by all means to be like blacks and their efforts have made them pathetic cool retarded chavs. Some want so badly to be black that they married blacks, causing their children to be increasingly black.
White history
White people will tell you they need a White History Month to get even, but they really don't. Besides, isn't like every month White History Month? Think about any history book. You get a paragraph about black people,[2] half a chapter about Asians, and half a chapter about Hispanics or Latinos or whatever. The rest is all White History, Man! Starting with mid-EVIL Europe, the Founding Fathers of America (or wherever you're from), inventions an' shit, and mostly lies they spread throughout the world to poison the minds of children into believing whites are dominant.
The history books make it look like natives were brainless red people who shot poison darts at anyone they saw and were "uncivilized", which is the same stereotype every single damned white person comes up with to excuse what their ancestors did. In fact, the Native Americans knew stuff the British didn't. Planting corn, playing lacrosse, and running casinos. What a shame the white man came! They could have whupped yo' asses![3]
One thing the white man did do was get rid of the silly notion that animals have spirits and can live in harmony with man and that we are all part of nature. Instead, Whitey taught everyone there was only one God and only by bowing to him would you get to paradise. And that his son came to Earth (and is called "white" even though he was Middle Eastern) and was killed and then came back to life and forgave your sins, so anything you do now will be forgiven. So you can do anything you like and it will all be okay. After all, in God we trust, right?
Current dominance
Currently, white people's dominance of the world and its people is so complete that it is assured without the institutions that other races use. For example:
- There is no National Association for the Advancement of White People.
- The U.S. Congress has no Congressional White Caucus.
- When a white person kills someone, there is no Council on American-White Relations to warn African Americans that the murder requires them to keep thinking positively about other white people.
- There are no quotas or legal requirements on "fair" job postings designed to attract an equal number of white people to professional basketball and football.
- There are no gangs that intimidate voters at the polls based on skin color. (Not any more.)
- No law declares walking-around money for white "community leaders" to be a "full employment" issue or a "health care" issue.
In summary, whites have absolutely no skin-color-based institutions to parlay their numerical dominance into government loot. That would be racist. And they stay on top of things despite that.
Old Boy Network
Other folks say that white people don't need quotas and set-asides, because they have their own set-aside: The Old Boy Network. A white kid is more likely to get into college, or get the advertising contract, or get the junior partnership at the law firm, because he's the son of the golfing partner of the owner or president. That is, the white man hires the white boy he knows, instead of equally qualified non-whites.
Another explanation (which will get you fired if you work in Washington) is that this person was hired not because he was white but because he was known. By the way, Washington protects workers by setting a minimum wage, mandating benefits, making it hard to fire them, and giving a black man the benefit of the doubt when he claims there's racism in the workplace. So why would you take a chance on hiring someone you don't know?
Diversity
White people stay on top of things despite all the blather about diversity. (To be fair, most white people don't indulge in this blather but are merely its targets.) Diversity is a branch of political correctness.
Diversity says that, if four white people are playing bridge in the cafeteria during their lunch break, inviting the janitor to join them will only improve the bridge game, and failing to invite him can only mean that all four players hate all black people.
The president of University of Michigan claims that diversity is the University's business. This means that the average chemistry student needs the University to sit black kids on either side of him in the chem lab, even if it has to lower its admission standards. The dean knows the students should be studying Kwanzaa rather than chemistry, even if the students paid their $40,000 tuition with something else in mind.
The Supreme Court, in a case against U-of-M, upheld "remedial" government racism (despite the equal-rights amendments passed after the Civil War). One Justice stated her hope that we'll only have to keep ignoring the Constitution for another quarter century or so.
The flip side was when federal courts took over the entire Boston school system and imposed a scheme to bus black kids out to the white suburbs. This was called "forced busing", probably because nothing else government ever does is forced – as if black kids couldn't learn without a white kid next to them. Now, "forced busing" has ended and black kids study in all-black classrooms in Boston, beating up anyone who studies too hard. (That's acting white.)
White folks in America
Out of all white nations, this is the worst. Most white Americans are hypocrites. They always say black people are racist, but they be the first to bring out the racial slurs. Fuckin' honkies. Don't forget, they brought the Brother here from Africa to be they personal property. That should never been allowed. The Brother should a stayed in Africa. Alongside the other Brother, who sold him to Whitey. They got it pretty good over in Africa. That cousin of Obama's, he got his own hut, he be writin' a book. The Brother in America be livin' in poverty (basic cable). And most places, yo woman gots to live somewhere else to get they check.
Typical white Americans, if they're young, like two kinds of music: Country and Western. When they get older, they like neither, because they spend all day thinking about office work. They criticise other races for being lazy and for taking all the jobs. Most office jobs are nothing but sitting in office chairs answering calls while Mexicans pick lettuce and tomatoes so their fat asses can eat. Did I mention they skateboard too much? Which is why they feel no racism should be pointed at them and everyone else needs to burn in Hell.
American police
White policemen in the USA are a subset of white Americans, which is a sub-subset of white people and a sub-sub-set of people – in other words, only one step above primordial sludge. White American police have the following characteristics, which are obviously dictated by their skin color:
- They say they can't understand civilians when they speak in perfectly clear street dialect.
- They refuse to follow the simplest rules of police procedure, as the black suspect understands them.
- They tend to escalate the situation when a black civilian asserts his right not to identify himself.
- They have a prurient desire to frisk black suspects spread-eagled against the hood of a car.
- They tend to mistake a cell-phone or a shiny money clip for a drawn weapon.
- In an actual armed conflict, they shoot to kill the black man, rather than simply using their training to deftly shoot the weapon out of his hand.
Police academies train white American policemen to be hostile and suspicious to persons of color. Especially in a fancy white suburb at 2 in the morning, when suspicion is entirely inappropriate. The mistreatment of coked-up suspect Rodney King at the end of a police chase was caught on video and was judged to be epidemic, racist police brutality, by the appropriate legal arbiter of such questions: thousands of rioters in Los Angeles, most carrying freshly stolen televisions.
Footnotes
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- ↑ The views expressed within the aforementioned articles reflect the views of the author or invented narrator and do not necessarily reflect the views of Uncyclopedia, the Uncyclomedia Foundation, or our partners.