Metalheads are a primitive forerunner of the human race that display heightened levels of aggression, exceptional constitution, narrow-mindedness, and a strong affection for loud, violent, evil-sounding, vaguely otherworldly (Brutal) music. They are widely accepted, by most academics, to be the basis for Gods and supernatural deities in all popular religions.
Origin[edit | edit source]
There are the main three theories (and one Idea, which is long and boring, so usually discounted) to where the Metalhead has come from, it is still under speculation if any are true.
- Theory One (Ancient Race): The earliest known Metalheads date back to Scandinavia during the 5th Century, where they were known as Vikings. When a large earthquake separated Britain from Scandinavia, families were separated and some Metalheads became depressed. They left the very awesome and testicle driven Scandinavia so they could go whine about their parents not loving them. Those ex-Metalheads became Emos, and all Metalheads were so embarrassed by their close brethren that they would publicly abuse and torment them at any occasion with white hot drum stands. During the Fourth Ice Age another group of Metalheads decided to go search for food. This group, led by the noble and courageous Lemmy, crossed the Bering Strait in pursuit of antelope and loud music. But during a brutal war with the native Wiggers that inhabited the new continent, the group of Metalheads was dissolved into small of tribes of between four and six members, which came to be known as bands. This is where many historians agree that the true Metalheads of our day emerged as a separate entity from their Viking brothers. It was also during this period that the Metalheads adopted their uniforms of jean jackets, long hair, black shirts, and jean pants. These were all used to keep warm during the exceedingly cold period.
- Theory Two(Insane prophet): The Origin of the Metalheads dates back to the Egyptian area when the great Pharaoh Ozzeth Ozbournei came across a piece of heavy metal known as Iron Maidenium ,which was in the shape of a bat at the time. He mistook it for a sandwich and devoured the piece of heavy metal, causing him to go insane. During his insanity reign he took up a guitar and started to play some basic chords while screaming loudly and unintelligently. Some of his loyal subjects heard and created instruments to go along with him. And so the Metalhead breed was formed, because anyone that was exposed to this type of music was instantaneously infected.
- Theory Three (Resurrection): In 1350 a group of Egyptian lute players were slaughtered by Asiatic warriors. The ghosts of the lute players did not pass on, but instead inhabited the lutes. The Egyptians discovered that the lutes had been cursed and burned them. However, one lute did not burn fully. It was locked away and hidden in an unmarked tomb in the desert until the Middle Ages. On a dark storming day, which has been since described as the Black Sabbath, an un-named man with a bad case of Cholera came across the Tomb of the Cursed Lute. When he lay eye upon the lute, he was immediately drawn to it. He took the Lute and brought it back to his home town. When he arrived the Soul of the dead lute player possessed the man and attempted to play for the crowd. But the man's Cholera caused his hands to shake violently while playing the lute. The music that erupted from the lute was so brutal and unheard of before that the crowds' heads began to explode. The music was named a Riff. Lute and Guitar players alike began to master the art until they became resilient to the Riff's brutality, and they began to breed. The Children were called Headbangers because the Riff made their heads rock back and forth instead of explode, and the Children who's heads didn't even rock were called Metalheads for they were as strong as metal against the power of the Riff.
- Theory Four (Creation): God created humans. Two to start with: Adam, and Eve. As stated in the words of the Bible, Adam ate an evil apple. This apple contained mercury and caused Adam to go mentally insane and have mental fixations of an object called a Guithahr, and wrote strange characters upon a marijuana leaf in blood. He looked at these blotches as, what one would call now-a days, a "Musical Note", and shortly after created this "Guithahr" out of bamboo, a hollowed out coconut, and strips of thin bark braided together. He stored both, the Guithahr and the papyrus, in a cave somewhere in the modern day Middle East, where a young man named Jesus Christ found them some 4,000 years later. Jesus Christ recited this writing to the feeble minded, and caused them to believe that he was their lord. This writing is now contained within the Bible. Many copies of this "Bible" were made, but none were the same. The original was the only one containing the lyrics. Unfortunately, the original bible was sold to a local chariot barter for a wagon spoke and was lost in history, until a man by the name of Tom Williams in the early 16th century discovered the bible, and turned it into a play which was looked down upon and laughed at by many people for as long as the play went on. Tom Williams committed suicide with a soldering iron at the age of 62. He dropped his iron on the bible, causing it to burn. A witness, a scientist by the name of Edmund Seymore-Pillis saw the burning bible and though "That’s cool, maybe someone ought to write a song about a burning bible". Seymore had invented a time machine not a week from the occurrence, and decided to test it out. Pillis was launched into the future some 500 years to the year 1969. He found a man in his early adult years by the name of John Michael Osbourne, who thought Pillis's idea of burning bible lyrics was very interesting. On a walk, during their discussion, a sheet of iron fell on Pillis. John attempted to help the iron sheet off of Pillis, but Pillis died. His last words were "Get this heavy metal off of me". John thought about what he had said and believed that "Heavy Metal" should be a new subgenre of music. He and his friends began writing music about mentally unstable cargo trains and bible burning. The ones who enjoyed listening to this type of music became known as "Metal Heads" for a simple fact. General human beings don’t like to think, so, what they did, essentially, was take the first word of the genre of music, and combine it with the word "head", as many of them did those days. (I.e. Acidhead, Pothead losers, Crack head) generally associated with drugs.
Traits[edit | edit source]
Metalheads are generally Broken into few groups, The hardened, long haired type are most common. They hang around areas such as record stores, general exposed areas drinking, screaming and performing very simple acts like socializing. They dress in skinny denim jeans (or just plain denim), any heavy metal band shirt (basically any band that has been around since the 19 fucking 70's)and occasionally boots or chuck taylors. Metalheads are generally seen in groups harassing anyone that has a different opinion than them. And depending on what type of metalhead they are they will commit certain acts, such as gay, oral sex(the emo ones anyways), otherwise they're probably drinking, or sacrificing rodents and children to Satan.
Metalheads tend to hate people that judge them as inferior and lesser intelligent creatures. They get up into groups and proceed with a well-known metalhead pastime known as head banging. And on special occasion, they perform the metalhead ritual known as moshing. It is possible to align ones self with a tribe of Metalhead through simple acts like reaching out and communicating with them on a similar level to other humans. But remember that their tastes in things can be "Bizzare" it's just the mentality of their kind.
Breeds of Metalhead[edit | edit source]
Metalheads come in many different styles, shapes and flavors. This you can tell by what they are wearing, what makeup they have (applies only to metalcore fags and black metallers), and how much they harass people. These are the different breeds of metalheads in todays society.
Half-Metalheads / Rockheads - This kind of metalhead is probably one of the most common. They love metal, but are slightly more into Rock 'N' roll and/or Hard rock. They despise every kind of metal that has gutteral vocals or screaming in it. For a metalhead, they wear quite basic clothing. Usually just a band tee, jeans, construction boots and maybe a small leather wristband or a leather jacket. They're usually bald, or have shaggy mid-lenght hair.
Metal/Rock N roll/Hard rock music: AC/DC, Van Halen, Black Sabbath, Accept, Led Zeppelin, Dio, Guns 'n' roses, and sometimes Metallica or Anthrax.
True Metalhead spelled true with a "U" not a "V" - Just a general Metalhead typically seen with non-tight jeans, casual shoes ( Chuck Tailers Mainly), and an Iron Maiden shirt. Will listen to a wide spectrum of metal from Iron Maiden, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Lamb of God, Slayer, Pantera and sometimes Metallica will mainly listen to a wide spread of metal mainly around heavy metal to thrash metal, speed metal and of course, death metal. The best and least annoying type of Metalhead, tough, down to earth, he doesnt feel the need to tell the world he likes metal with gimmicky clothing styles or cliques, he simply gets on with his own life and lets other get on with theirs. Mainly seen in packs or alone in public places. People question their style their way of living and especially the music and their long hair if they have it. These guys are the molest of metalheads and will get along with mostly anyone. But hate posers and emo scene kid and hate Nu-Metal.They usually are found to have actual experience with musical instruments, thus their like for this wide spectrum. Can be found trying to convert Headbangers. However their most hated enemies tend to be the fake poser metalheads. These guys were put here to rock the shit out you.
Headbanger/Thrasher Headbangers are the absolute most dangerous Metalhead breed and ironically the most hardcore and brutal form of the Metalhead seeing that the words "hardcore faggot" is repeated on a regular basis. Known as the Metal equivalent of Go-Go dancers, seen standing around in packs attempting to get everyone moving while continuing their spree of windmills, which is totally not anywhere near similar to hardcore kids. With their hair that reaches below their shoulders, or longer, they engage in the mating ritual that is Headbanging, a windmill motion of their famed locks, which is used to signal other potential Headbangers into an orgy that is the Mosh. Usually seen in a pair of black gray blue or some other form of those colored pair of jeans usually completely fucked up which they stole from their sister's closet (the only thing they have in common with emo and scene kids) and sporting a band T-shirt. They usually listen to bands that sound like Kreator, Slayer, Megadeth (old and recent stuff), Metallica (old and recent stuff), etc. Not to forget that many headbangers are into NWOBHM like Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Saxon, Motorhead, etc. Many thrash metal fans tend to look like girls in their teens and 20s, with long, girly hair, skinny jeans and skinny bodies, no facial and lack of body hair, etc. By their 30s, they try to look like death metal musicians.
They are Known To Some times get along with Punks and Goths and sometimes like Metalcore. But they get along best with the Death Metalhead. They both understand their dangerousness. They can be found spread from America to Britain to even as far north as Norway. They typically hang out in packs or just alone in public places, Youtube or any where they are allowed where haircuts and soap is not required, which is why they're so friendly. They typically don't really bother to insult people unless they outnumber you. Most are known to be around the age of 14-85 and the fact says all headbangers know how to play instruments. In fact, their culture is revolved around that bit of information. Due to unwillingness or overall talent, Headbangers may actually learn to make music, therefore sacrificing their necks to their idols as an attempt to feel metal, but as dancers. Anyone who tries to argue that headbanging is not dancing should be re evaluated with its' meaning.
Thrashers have always had a deep hatred for glamfags and mallcore/nu metal kids. If you ever go to an Exodus concert with shirt of a glam metal band like Poison, Ratt, Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, etc, you'll know how to eat the dust properly!
Some thrashers tend to bicker on the whole Megadeth vs Metallica thing. Metallica fanboys seem to shitlessly defend Metallica, while Megadeth fans tend to dickride Megadeth and have love for Dave Mustaine as well as actually believing Megadeth were always thrash metal, despite that the band did the same thing as Metallica in the 90s; quitting thrash and digging money.
Death/Black Metalhead - A very Extreme type of Metalhead. They are typically seen in smaller groups and wear Cannibal Corpse, Deicide, Obituary or Gorgoroth shirts, almost destroyed jeans or military cargos, and military boots or flayed sneakers. They usually have very long hair as well as a long viking-like beard. All though, if one were to enter any respectable comic book store, one would find herds and herds of this breed of metal head, surrounding tables and tables of DnD and Warhammer merchandise, fully happy and in harmony with life. On special occasion they paint their faces with childs facepaint which is referred to as corpse paint, this is more common with the Black Metal breed. They are not seen to much on the internet and normally don't make fun of others unless they are so outstandingly stupid that they deserve it but they are often seen dreaming of committing raids against the Metalcore Kid/Emo Kid and Nu-Metalheads/Mallgoths population, many times draining their blood and consuming their flesh while committing satanic rituals (oh, one day...) They also enjoy eating a good healthy breakfast of babies dipped in cancer. They also flood you with so many anti-Christian remarks, you eventually realize that Christianity really is shit, not to mention every religion, even the one they built their music around. "I like my coffee black, just like my metal." Quote that determines whether a coffee drinker is one of these kind of people. Some black metal bands are secretly emo, as many black metallers have been caught cutting themselves. An example of this would be Per Ohwin from Mayhem. Some black metal bands had the balls to even mix black metal with emo lyrics; making depressive suicidal black metal music. They usually buy their clothes at Hot Topic, but deny it just go they are looked at as kewl kidz. Death/Black Metal bands: Mayhem, Darkthrone, Death, Vader, Enslaved, Possessed, Entombed, and Satyricon.
Pagan/Satanic Metalhead These guys have the bloodlines of true metalheads and black metalheads and/or vikings and are worshipped by the ignorant masses. First and foremost they either worship Satan or Norse Gods. They are the most dangerous, for they fear nothing because Satan has a nice place for them in the halls of metal when they die. They worship their god(s)and despise Islam, Jews and Christians. They are basicly your black metalhead on steriods. They have a fascination with what is "evil" and are inhumanly intelligent, they are usually the overlord of their band and take on strange names committed to blasphmey and mythology; such a Zak'nafein, Prometheus, ect. They enjoy morbid strange tatoos and are often seen looking like they are ready for combat; spiked wrist guards, combat boots, extremely sharp guitars, and sometimes wear clothes that have been buried underground for weeks and wearing corpse paint giving them the image of the walking dead. you know the evil "im gonna torture you to death stuff", oh and of course in the name of METAL. They love on stage horror acts like; animal sacrifice, bloodletting, bible burning, destruction of holy grounds, and even filling the sprinkler systems with the blood of animals and making them go off at random. These are the guys were if you say the wrong thing, a horde of them will appear to dismember you and they love their free will. Enemies: Communists, Muslims, Christians, Jews, Emos, Chavs, Mallgoths, Glam metallers, often ally with Death Metalheads in times or war. Bands: Dissection, Watain, "the big four" and some death metal
Brutal Metalhead-.... Doesn't the name explain enough?.... BRUTAL.. Metalhead?... God you are stupid. Anyways, the Brutal Metalheads are the guys that sadistically traumatized your dad, and then murdered his dog in the 90's, They are LARGE and bulky people with hair reaching to their ass with a band T-shirt and army boots and pants, that usually are seen hanging out alone or with their band, They ONLY listen to Brutal Death Metal and Grindcore, the music is basically the most hated heavy and brutal form of music and at times are just PURE noise Such as Anal Cunt, and at times some other metal genres. They feed on flesh and guts of (Read: get taken the piss out of by)chavs(Read: get taken the piss out of by), Posers, deathcore faggots, faggots, and people they don't like, unlike the Death/Black Metalhead, the Brutal Metalhead insults EVERYONE on the internet, even other metalheads if they are posers or like deathcore, Though their insults are very accurate, their hobbies include Raping virgins, killing mallgoths/Nu-metalheads, making capes out of mallcore/emo skin and eating kittens. They are also in the superior leaders in the war Against the Mallcores/Nu-Metalheads and chavs(like to think they are at war but the people they claim to be at war with have no idea they even exist). They also don't get along well with Black Metalheads. Brutal Death Metal / Grindcore Bands: Cannibal Corpse, Carcass, Exhumed, Defeated Sanity, Guttural Secrete, Suffocation, Napalm Death, Insect Warfare, Cephalotripsy and Devourment.
- Slam Death Metalhead- You will die. These metalheads listen to the most brutal form of music in existence. Human ears can not take it, heads explode within .2 seconds of first hearing a slam. Usually they are caught as skinheads, brutally murdering jews, scene kids, emos and hipsters that walk by.
Brutal Slamming Death Metal bands are: Dying Fetus, Cerebral Bore, Skinless, Disfiguring The Goddess, Abominable Putridity, Vulvodynia.
Goregrind/Pornogrind Metalhead - Brutal Metalheads on speed. It is suggested that you avoid them, as they can survive a full wrath onslaught from Chuck Norris much longer than any mortal, and can take a strong hit of Charlie Sheen. In 2006, the Axis of Evil™ estimated that there are about five Goregrind/Pornogrind Metalheads in the world population. Unfortunately, they have all met each other and one of them is female, however they teach, train and breed new ones to increase their ranks. Statistics show that in 2002, there was only the Hallowed 5. In 2005 they'd reached 26 and in a burst of change, it was estimated a total of 1047 by 2007. Goregrind/pornogrind Metalheads can be found raping scene chicks in the middle of the mall in broad daylight. Goregrind/Pornogrind bands include Last Days of Humanity, Cock and Ball Torture, Sperm Swamp, Jig-Ai, Decomposing Serenity, Rompeprop, and The Day Everything Became Nothing.
Doom/Sludge/Drone/Stoner Metalhead - Typically seen sitting in their Living Room or Den smoking weed, this breed of Metalhead listens to slow, somewhat depressing, atmospheric or extremely heavy but slow Metal. They sometimes wear round purple tinted glasses. They normally don't like getting off the couch, but they are utter badasses if provoked into doing so. Doom/Drone/Sludge/Stoner Metal bands include Candlemass, High on Fire, Reverend Bizarre, Pentagram, Sunn O))), and Electric Wizard. Sometimes also to Black Sabbath's Master of Reality album.
- Death-Doom/Funeral Doom Metalhead - These metalheads either listen to sometimes slow sometimes speedy brutally heavy shit, or if they are of the funeral doom tilt, they listen to really dark, heavy shit while kazing around the house eating chinese food and writing lyrics for their bands. Death-Doom Metalheads are among the oddest breed of metalhead with widly varying tastes and the calmest demeanor, only drastically fucking someone up if they REALLY feell like it. They usually are involved in anywhere from 3 to 20 bands at once, although atleast 2 must be doom of some kind.
Death-Doom/Funderal Doom bands include Skepticism, Esoteric, November's Doom, October Tide, Evoken, Pantheist, Ahab, and Swallow The Sun.
Power Metalheads/Folk Metal/Speed Metal - Wish they lived in Middle-Earth. Wide opinion suggests that many bands have actually found a way to contact gay little elves who gave them the power to play incredibly fast. They dress in extremely odd pants, and in anything you would find at a medieval fair. Power/Folk Metal Bands: Ensiferum, Helloween, Moonsorrow, Iced Earth, Manowar, Finntroll, Blind Guardian, and Equilibrium.
Progressive Metalhead(Can be known as Epic Metal heads) - By far the most intelligent of the group. Known for having a varied taste in metal that is long and can be heavy but at the same time intelligent. Typically prog metal heads especially worship Dream Theater, Symphony X, Opeth, Meshuggah, Nevermore, and Mastodon, but often delve into non metal music as well. What separates progressive metalheads from typical "prog fans" is that they often foray into other forms of metal (particuarly melodeath, see below) and share tytpical metalhead passions for internet trolling (arguably even more so, as prog metalheads make use of quasi intellectual rhetoric in theyre arguments to "pwn fags") and xenophobia towards non metal genres and cultures. Prog metalheads are typically tall, skinny, white and usually long haired and extreemly nerdy, although fat old bald dudes are also not uncommon.. The ritual of dance for a Progressive Metalhead tends to be difficult due to constant time signature shifts. So they either jerk uncontrollably. Or move so fast that you can not even see them moving at all, Giving them the title of superhuman.
- Melodeath Head - Often interchangeable with prog metalheads, only with more emphasis on melodic death metal bands i.e. Children of Bodom, Dark Tranquility, At the Gates, Hypocrisy, Heartwork era-Carcass, Scar Symmetry, Wintersun, etc. They often have near unhealthy obsessions with Scandinavia and Finland, as do many prog metalheads as well. Appearance is generally very similar to prog metalheads, and melodeath heds are also most likely to be interchangeable with video game nerds as well. Melodeath Heads also have a strong concentration in New Jersey.
Neutral Metalhead - Can only be found in places that Heavy Metal IS DEAD (see Prince Edward Island, Canada) They Listen to any kind of Heavy Metal genre And their Mortal enemy is obviously Emo Kids/Clan/Scene for kiling Heavy Metal same as Rock N Roll. These metalheads are jokes to everyone that is not a metalhead.
Heavy Metalhead - These Metalheads will listen to any music as long as it has Screaming/Gutteral vocals, or has especially heavy riffs. They Listen to Early/Classic Metal, New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, Black Metal, Death Metal, Groove Metal, Thrash Metal, Grindcore, Deathcore, and Metalcore. They do however, reject Nu Metal, and Post Hardcore. The fact that they like Metalcore and Deathcore often means that they are rejected by other types of metalheads, but it is not uncommon to see a Heavy Metalhead as a member of a diverse pack of metalheads, so long as the he is not talking about Deathcore, or Metalcore. The fact that they like some of the more extreme forms of True Metal, and stay away from Nu Metal, and Post Hardcore means that they can be classified as Metalheads instead of Metal Posers. They are usually very chill people, until you get them in a mosh pit. Then they will drastically fuck someone up. A large portion of them are straight edge, although not all of them are. So while you're getting wasted, the Heavy Metalhead will be practicing Jiu Jitsu, or Krav Maga, just so he can put it into practice at the next concert he goes to. You dont want to fuck with them. Heavy Metalhead's favorite bands include Judas Priest, Pantera, Immortal, Megadeth, Slayer, Children of Bodom, Cannibal Corpse, Lamb of God, Black Sabbath, Edguy, and Iron Maiden.
Avant-Garde Metalhead - The avant-Garde Metalhead, is probably the far oddest and intelligent metalhead even when compared the progressive, They can usually be seen with their unusual hair that is basically six dreadlocks curls and the rest wildly fucked up hair! Their taste of metal is wide but their music isnt taken serious by most people due to that it is extremely technical and confusing, while other metalheads headbang, the avant-garde metalhead has two rituals the sacred "seisurebang" that consists of headbanging and shaking violently, and the sacred hand shake resulting in the Avant-Garde Metalhead Removing his or her skeleton from his or her body then putting it back in place in a matter of seconds, they can usually be found everywhere injecting bug blood into their own and creating new breeds of stuff, or experimenting with music. Avant-Garde Metal: Mr Bungle, Meshuggah, Buckethead, Fleurety, Zul FX and unexpecT.
Metalheads - These metalheads have no extra title, as they listen to almost every form of metal except deathcore which is for pussies. They enjoy ands like Soilwork, Cannibal Corpse, Skinless, Dimmu Borgir, and every other kind of real metal in existance. They are also non-elitist, so they also listen to stuff that isn't metal, like system of a down, disturbed, and jazz. very cool people, unless you piss them off, then they will slaughter you with chainsaws and shotguns and death metal growls. Most can play an instrument or at least headbang like a god. Many are also hard core geeks, loving fantasy and computer stuff.
Fake/Poser/Not Brutal Enough Metalheads[edit | edit source]
Metalcore fan - While hardcore is confused as a metal genre when it's a punk genre, metalcore kids are generally hardcore kids trying to be metal, or emo kids trying to play death metal, but get too caught up adding gay pop choruses. Usually metalcore bands abuse breakdowns for attention, increase the big gay dance (pogo dancing) at concerts and screaming. Metalcore bands like Avenged Sevenfold and Killswitch Engage are responsible for the popularity of metalcore.
Sometimes metalcore bands also will try to ripoff thrash metal and melodic death metal bands. Trivium tried to go thrash metal in 2006 and ripped off Metallica, where they got praised once and for all as tr00 metulheadz.
Nu-Metalhead - Listen only to bands such as Limp Bizkit, Trapt, Crazy Town, Linkin Park, Slipknot, and Papa Roach, among others. They think that the word "true" is spelled with a V and not a U. These shitheads usally wear Element tees, spiky hair, dreadlocks, Polos, Adidas clothing and/or Nu Metal band tees and JNCO, Southpole, or any other baggy jeans. As well as baseball caps, studded belts or Billabong belts. "True" Metalheads despise them because the guitars dont have solos and the vocals are shitty. They get along with wiggers, juggalos, goths and black kids. They, however, don't get along with trve metalheads, emos and scene kids. Their music is considered hip hop music for white people or rock music for black people.
Glam/Hair/Sleaze Metalhead - These are the guys that fucked your mom in the 80's. Very friendly most of the time when you first meet, but don't be fooled they just want to get in your pants. They stereotypically might have extremely long girly hair-sprayed hair, and are generally seen in extremely flamboyant clothing. Their attire consists of Snakeskin cowboy Boots or Chuck Taylor high tops, tight jeans of ANY color, Laced leather pants, Latex gloves, and a band shirt with ripped sleeves. Despite their attire however, they are rarely homosexual in any way. Also, it is amazing to know they will probably get laid in a week more than you ever will in your life. They usually are making poppy songs about girls and sex. The reason why most metalheads (including thrash metallers), don't like glam is because most metalheads are gay. Poison and Motley Crue are the glam metal bands who conspired to make metal look transvestite, despite that many 80s metal bands already had girly hair, skinny bodies, skinny jeans and such young faces.
Gothic Metalhead - An oxymoron, Gothic Metalheads normally consist of misguided Mallgoths who think Goth and Metal are synonymous. They typically have black hair and they wear black jeans, Hot Topic bondage pants, enormous boots full of buckles and studs, and white colored eye lenses. You will never see a Gothic Metalhead in a small town or especially not a rural area, as any kind of manual labor would ruin their precious little hands and strain their frail, scar-covered arms. They are typically skeletal in appearance, and hang out with two or three buddies, or in crowds at the mall in the nearest big city while crying to faggy music. Gothic Metal bands include Leaves Eyes, Epica, Cradle of Filth, and Moonspell. Sometimes they might listen to Slipknot, Dimmu Borgir, Marylin Manson, or Misfits.
- Deathcore Metalhead - The gayest breed of Metalhead, normally hang out naked in groups of 2-8. PISS THEM OFF, they are huge pussies. You can tell you're looking at a Deathcore Metalhead when you see them standing in circles with their arms crossed and deep, angry, pensive and utterly confused expressions on their faces. Either that or dark blue or black boot cut jeans, asymmetrical hair(normally messy and unkempt), wears wristbands and chain necklaces, shoes range in the interest of the person, black band T-shirts such as Despised Icon, Suicide Silence and Impending Doom. Most of them can scream, chirp, growl, or make disturbing animal noises that sound like a pig being raped. They usually have big ass earlobes and baseball caps. If they don’t like your music, they will tell you it blows bullshit because they know nothing about music. Remember, they're "Fvcking Br00tal, and the fan girls of Deathcore are particularly scene kids. They are always hated by the gayass "tr00 mehtulz" elitists. These metalheads are a joke to the tr00 Metalheads above and to nature itself "-This is what a Deathcore pussy might try to sell to you. Take none off and resume bashing him like the little emo outcast he wishes he wasn't."
Deathcore also has been friends with swaggots, as Suicide Silence made a song called "You Only Live Once". This also may explain why many deathcore bands wear baseball caps. Deathcore Bands: early Bring Me the Horizon, Suicide Silence, Winds of Plague, and early Job For A Cowboy material.
- Juggalo (Not to be compared with metal.) - Not actual Metalheads but get along with most, due to the similar psychology. Fans of the Horrorcore group Insane Clown Posse. They typically wear face paint, baggy pants, and psychopathic records shit. They drink a lot of psychotropic beverages. They can be real douchebags who talk a lot of shit over Youtube videos.. But the 2 percent that are cool are not an enemy to the metalheads, as some of them are metalheads as well. They get along with Metalheads, Nu Metalheads, Metalcore kids, and Hard Rockers. Just kidding, they don't get along with anyone who isn't also a Juggalo. They typically despise everyone else and have little to no respect for the typical Metalhead. If a Juggalo got into a fight while alone he would be mercilessly beaten to the ground. However, like most insects with a collective consciousness, they tend to travel in swarms. You can typically tell when they are close to you due to the odor of stale urine and Faygo. If there is one of them, it is your responsibility to stare at them until they feel sufficiently judged. If they are sufficiently judged, they will either shrink and feel ashamed, or they will yell the 'whoop whoop!' thing and charge you.
Another thing they do is manipulate you by calling you family, but this really means "I'm going to sleep at your house, smoke your bud, eat your food, and talk a lot of shit. This nothing that I have is pay back!"
Horrorcore groups: ICP, Twiztid, Bondox, Necro, Ill Bill, and Axe Murder Boyz. This isn't metal and shouldn't be here. Because Juggalos are not metalheads.
- Scene-Fags - Lame-ass posers, and also preps trying to be emo. They usually hang out in the mall and listen to trancecore and crunkcore bands. They usually wear pink or blue skinny jeans, tight tank tops, sunglasses, and Emo hair (either dyed green or blue or in multiple colors). They must be slaughtered ruthlessly, as only a metalhead can do. They usually listen to Brokencyde and Blood on the Dance Floor. They also might even listen to poser bands like Bring Me the Horizon.
- Emo-fags - Not to be confused with scene kids. They usually are kids who wear eyeliner, dye their straightened bangs black, wear band shirts and tight ass pants. Usually, emo kids are seen on Myspace and Livejournal bitching sarcastically about their amazing life after taking selfies and their attention-grabbing wrist cuts. An emo kid is a metalhead's archenemy. Some emo kids try to be metal but fail at it. Examples of bands for emo kids who pose as metal include Atreyu, Avenged Sevenfold and Bullet for My Valentine. Before trying to invade the land of metal, emo kids were just on Myspace bitching about their ex-girlfriend listening to My Chemical Romance.
Participation in The War of Rock[edit | edit source]
Metalheads were an important ally for the Loyalist forces in the series of world-wide conflict known as The War of Rock. Although it is a metalhead's tendancy to go against anything non-metal, their blind hatred for/ need of nournishment from the Emos, Nazi-Punks, Rockers, Scene Kids, etc. of the "New Rocking Order" forced the metal armies out of isolation from the rest of the music world, and entered the conflict, horns raised, heads banging.
Metal doctrine is at the heart of the root cause of the conflict. The argument started when Jack Black announced to the public that he believed the "New Rocking Order" to be "Homosexual Loser Pigmies, who couldn't Rock like Dio, who rocked for a long long time..."
Many Metal Army Divisions won key victories for the Loyalist forces. Taking a hiatus from their status as Jesus, the underground band of Iron Maiden are responsible for single-handedly defeating Funeral for a Friend and Korn in a single day. Another famous battle is the Battle for Hollywood, specifically the Thrash Charge. The bands Metallica, Anthrax, Slayer, Thrashold, Megadeth, Nuclear Assault, Sodom, Kreator, Overkill, Destruction and Testament snuck up the hill to the Hollywood sign and caught General Avril Lavigne by surprise. What followed was 4 hours of a bunch of guys beating up a woman. Rest assured, they all thought they were big men by the end of it. Another successful battle was the Battle of Huntington Beach, where the Scene Navy of My Chemical Romance attacked Huntington Beach. Generals Metallica, Slayer, and Megadeth were pinned down by heavy Gay Artillery from Admiral My Chemical Romance. Colonel Avenged Sevenfold, Lt. Colonel Bullet for My Valentine and Major Killswitch Engage bombed Admiral My Chemical Romance's Fleet with CORE MISSILES, allowing the pinned Metalhead generals to storm the USS Scene, litter kerosene all over the boat, and throw Kirk Hamster's cigarette to the fuel.
Diet[edit | edit source]
Beer, Whiskey, Big Macs, Cows, Goats, Babies, Cancer, Souls, Demon flesh, Acoustic guitars, Weed, Scene kids, Techno shuffling fags and Mexicans.
Metal Chicks[edit | edit source]
The female metalheads are often chicks with hot bodies if you're lucky (there are still some "mooses" running the colours). Like ordinary humans, the Metal Chick is dominant over the male, deciding where he sleeps, what he does all day, what he can eat, and when he can breathe. Unlike ordinary humans, however, the metal chick will not punish the male by withholding sex; rather, metal chicks actually have a way to punish their males by having tame sex with them (the male prefers it rough). The Metal Chick has a second set of teeth, one that isn't in her mouth.
Metal Chicks are known for being the most dominant female sex partners in existance, being ultra-sadistic. One description of having sex with a female metalhead comes from the survivor George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher, who wrote a description of his encounter with the Metal Chick. Poor guy.
Those female metalheads who are not sadistic will always be 'the man' in bed. You should keep these things in mind to avoid being raped by metal chicks.
- If you hear a metal band will be doing a concert in your local area, leave the town and stay somewhere else until the band has moved on. After metal chicks are done flashing their tits to the band members, they'll always go out and find young men to rape.
- Keep a good supply of company and a counter female. These items have been proven effective in repelling all metalheads.
- Don't listen to emo, rap, or pop. Remember that metalheads live on a diet of emo kids, and posers and act very feral to Chavs(ongoing wrath war). Forms of music other than metal are signs to a metalhead that food is not far away.
If you do end up getting raped by a metal chick, keep this in mind:
- Whatever you do, don't irritate the metal chick. She can use her second set of teeth at will.
- Don't resist. Resisting will irritate her. Besides, she has the strength of ten people so resisting is kinda pointless.
- While being raped, don't cry or fearfully scream for help. Instead, yell angrily at the top of your lungs, as it sounds like metal singing, which will please the metal chick, making her less inclined to hurt you.
Metalheads in today's culture[edit | edit source]
Today, metalheads are characterized as people who wander around starting fights over the internet for no apparent reason. They can be sighted at concerts wearing their jackets covered in band patches, taken from the medieval practice of bearing the coat of arms on a shield. For example, the House of Slayer has been beating the shit out of Cute is What We Aim For for quite some time. The mortal enemies of the Metalhead clans are great in number, including the Emo/Scene Clan and the Posers, as well as the Hardcore try hard clan, a wretched crew of flesh which crawls from deep, subterranean pools of custard. They pretty much hate anyone who's either an Emo, Prep, Chavs because they all share the idea that metal is a joke genre.
An everyday Metalhead's favorite hobbies include:
- Being incredibly loud
- Writing with a complete disregard for grammar (It was ironic the guy before me spelt it wrong.), puncuation, or any sense of modern English (exception: Prog and Melodeath heads, who use quasi intellectual literate responses for the same trolling purposes).
- Masturbation (they're still human)
- Going to shows and pwning scene kids in moshpits
- Putting together bands that usually last for about a month
- Being even louder.
- Showing hardcore punks real moshpit wounds ("I'll show you bleeding")
- Being Anti Political (although sounding very slop jobbed)
- Being better than emo, pop, rap, prety much anything that isn't metal. This is necessary for the Metal Head as he needs to be on top of the food chain when eating them.