“I have more hair than ‘em.”
Metalheads are a primitive forerunner of the human race that display heightened levels of aggression, exceptional constitution, narrow-mindedness, and a strong affection for loud, violent, evil-sounding, vaguely otherworldly (Brutal) music. They are widely accepted, by most academics, to be the basis for Gods and supernatural deities in all popular religions. While the average Metalhead sees himself as a rock god, the average person sees a woman in bad need of a new wardrobe. However, this dreaded aperture when presented on stage begins to shine like gold in the form of sounds manipulated via surprising mental and physical manual dexterity.
Origin[edit | edit source]
There are the main four theories (and one Idea, which is long and boring, so usually discounted) to where the Metalhead and Metal music in general, has come from. It is still under speculation if any are true, but (surprisingly enough) opinion five seems to be gaining popularity.
- Theory One (Ancient Race): The earliest known Metalheads date back to Scandinavia during the 5th Century, where they were known as Vikings. When a large earthquake separated Britain from Scandinavia, families were separated and some Metalheads became depressed. They left the very awesome and testicle driven Scandinavia so they could go whine about their parents not loving them. Those ex-Metalheads became Emos, and all Metalheads were so embarrassed by their close brethren that they would publicly abuse and torment them at any occasion with white-hot drum stands. During the Fourth Ice Age, another group of Metalheads decided to go search for food. This group, led by the noble and courageous Lemmy, crossed the Bering Strait in pursuit of antelope and loud music. But during a brutal war with the native Wiggers that inhabited the new continent, the group of Metalheads was dissolved into small tribes of between four and six members, which came to be known as bands. This is where many historians agree that the true Metalheads of our day emerged as a separate entity from their Viking brothers. It was also during this period that the Metalheads adopted their uniforms of jean jackets, long hair, black shirts, and jean pants. These were all used to keep warm during the exceedingly cold period.
- Theory Two (Insane Prophet): The Origin of the Metalheads dates back to the Ancient Egyptian times when the great Pharaoh Ozzeth Ozbournei came across a piece of heavy metal known as Iron Maidenium (which was in the shape of a bat at the time). He mistook it for a sandwich and devoured the piece of heavy metal, causing him to go insane. During his tirade, he took up a guitar and started to play some basic chords while screaming loudly and unintelligibly. Some of his loyal subjects heard and created instruments to go along with him. And so the Metalhead breed was formed because anyone that was exposed to this type of music was instantaneously infected.
- Theory Three (Resurrection): In 1350, a group of Egyptian lute players were slaughtered by Asiatic warriors. The ghosts of the lute players did not pass on but instead inhabited the lutes. The Egyptians discovered that the lutes had been cursed and burned them. However, one lute did not burn fully. It was locked away and hidden in an unmarked tomb in the desert until the Middle Ages. On a dark storming day, which has been since described as the Black Sabbath, an unnamed man with a bad case of Cholera came across the Tomb of the Cursed Lute. When he lay eye upon the lute, he was immediately drawn to it. He took the Lute and brought it back to his home town. When he arrived the Soul of the dead lute player possessed the man and attempted to play for the crowd. But the man's Cholera caused his hands to shake violently while playing the lute. The music that erupted from the lute was so brutal and unheard of before that the crowds' heads began to explode. The music was named a Riff. Lute and Guitar players alike began to master the art until they became resilient to the Riff's brutality, and they began to breed. The Children were called Headbangers because the Riff made their heads rock back and forth instead of explode, and the Children whose heads didn't even rock were called Metalheads for they were as strong as metal against the power of the Riff.
- Theory Four (Creation): God created humans. Two to start with: Adam, and Eve. As stated in the words of the Bible, Adam ate an evil apple. This apple contained mercury and caused Adam to go mentally insane and have mental fixations of an object called a Guithahr, and wrote strange characters upon a marijuana leaf in blood. He looked at these blotches as, what one would call nowadays, a "Musical Note", and shortly after created this "Guithahr" out of bamboo, a hollowed-out coconut, and strips of thin bark braided together. He stored both, the Guithahr and the papyrus, in a cave somewhere in the modern-day Middle East, where a young man named Jesus Christ found them some 4,000 years later. Jesus Christ recited this writing to the feeble-minded and caused them to believe that he was their lord. This writing is now contained within the Bible. Many copies of this "Bible" were made, but none were the same. The original was the only one containing the lyrics. Unfortunately, the original bible was sold to a local chariot barter for a wagon spoke and was lost in history, until a man by the name of Tom Williams in the early 16th century discovered the bible, and turned it into a play which was looked down upon and laughed at by many people for as long as the play went on. Tom Williams committed suicide with a soldering iron at the age of 62. He dropped his iron on the bible, causing it to burn. A witness, a scientist by the name of Edmund Seymore-Pillis saw the burning bible and thought "That’s cool, maybe someone ought to write a song about a burning bible". Seymore had invented a time machine not a week from the occurrence and decided to test it out. Pillis was launched into the future some 500 years to the year 1969. He found a man in his early adult years by the name of John Michael Osbourne, who thought Pillis's idea of burning bible lyrics was very interesting. On a walk, during their discussion, a sheet of iron fell on Pillis. John attempted to help the iron sheet off of Pillis, but Pillis died. His last words were "Get this heavy metal off of me". John thought about what he had said and believed that "Heavy Metal" should be a new sub-genre of music. He and his friends began writing music about mentally unstable cargo trains and bible burning. The ones who enjoyed listening to this type of music became known as "Metal Heads" for a simple fact. General human beings don’t like to think, so, what they did, essentially, was take the first word of the genre of music, and combine it with the word "head", as many of them did those days. (I.e. Acidhead, Pothead losers, Crack head) generally associated with drugs.
- Theory Five (Pentagram): <-Never to be mistaken with a Billygraham!-> Amadeus, met a demon called Baal in the olden times when music was infused with spirits like wars, plagues, rapine, and slavery. In the age when organs and pianos were the better medium. Amadeus, strung a Spanish guitar with the lightest and deepest gauges on his piano, in a fit of pure insanity, just like the night when he was four and wrote "Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star". Compelled by the summons to lay the contraption in a ritualistic symbol, he hexed it, bedded a maid upon it, cast his blood on it, and asked Baal to live within it. Baal cracked and contorted the instrument into a wicked shape called a Stratocaster, with one evil word emblazoned on the fret: "Fender". In a chest, it went, forgotten by all but the line of the greatest composer and musician of all time. Until a young robber broke into the attic one stormy night and stole the fabled ax sometime in the late 60's. He went on to found a group, after the spirit of Baal connected to the band via a Baphomet likeness one of them was sketching for an album cover. "In this sign conquer. Let my poison seep into the music of this world.", it spoke... Frightened, oddly aroused, and tripped out on LSD, they hearkened to the animated image and through the underground, a vibration of the basic noise of Hell seeped into the bands of the day. Each gig, begot a new infection, each riffled to one more, each lick demanded a counter, and every cord a pentatonic balance. Supernaught was that band, (not the Australian sexually confused band by the same name but: Supernaught from the album Supernaught 1974) they begot, Venom, who begot Slayer & Metallica, which were the birth pains of, Sepultura. In them was metal truly born, of Hell's black influence and the demonic riff's of the mighty: "Ax of Ages" was at last awake. The Metalheads, are the soldiers of the first tide of pagan rise and unbelief with minds like steel traps focused on the guttural moans of Hell. So they hex the masters to this day, and the heralds of the end play host to powers they perceive not in a fool's disbelief on album after album of cursed melody. But for the few who know, they usher in the darkness, they call out the blackness. In Germania, where it now resides, the harbinger of the final chaos. Metalheads will be cast in steel with horns and cloven hooves. But they will perish, insignificant nothings they are. Yet while they serve, they revel in the fires and the lusts of the flesh. Be it murder, drink, or sex. In that sign, they wage war, and woe to the vanquished and victors alike.
Traits[edit | edit source]
Metalheads are generally Broken into few groups, The "hardened", long-haired type is most common. They hang around areas such as record stores, general exposed areas drinking, screaming and performing very simple acts of socializing. They dress in skinny denim jeans (or just plain denim), any heavy metal band shirt (basically any band that has been around since the 19-fucking-70's)and occasionally boots or Chuck Taylors. Metalheads are generally seen in groups harassing anyone that has a different opinion than them. And depending on what type of metalhead they are they will commit certain acts such as drinking, sacrificing rodents and children to Satan or complaining about their math teacher.
Metalheads tend to hate people who judge them as inferior and creatures of lesser intelligence. They get up into groups and proceed with a well-known metalhead pastime known as being edgy. And on special occasions, they perform the metalhead ritual known as moshing. It is possible to align oneself with a tribe of Metalhead through simple acts like reaching out and communicating with them on a similar level to other humans. But remember that their tastes in things can be "bizarre", it's just the mentality of their kind.
Breeds of Metalhead[edit | edit source]
Metalheads come in many different styles, shapes, and flavors. This you can tell by what they are wearing, what makeup they have on (usually applies to Black Metalheads and (unfortunately) emo/metalcore fags), and how much they harass people. These are the different breeds of metalheads in today's society.
Common Metalheads[edit | edit source]
Half-Metalheads / Rockers - This kind of metalhead is probably one of the most common. They love metal but are slightly more into Rock 'N' roll and/or Hard rock (see below.) They despise every kind of metal that has guttural vocals or screaming in it. For a metalhead, they wear quite basic clothing. Usually just a band tee, jeans, construction boots, and maybe a small leather wristband or a leather jacket. They're usually bald or have shaggy mid-length hair.
- Almost Metalheads / Hard Rockers - Unlike Half-Metalheads, these people actually listen to Rock that's typically played on any active radio station. They have the same appearance and personality as their counterparts, mostly wearing band shirts, jeans, and boots. They are better than you in many, MANY ways.
True Metalhead - Spelled true with a "U", not a "V" - Just a general Metalhead typically seen with non-tight jeans, casual shoes (Chuck Taylors Mainly), and an Iron Maiden shirt. Will listen to a wide spectrum of metal from heavy metal to thrash metal, speed metal, and of course, death metal. The best and least annoying type of Metalhead, tough, down to earth, he doesn't feel the need to tell the world he likes metal with gimmicky clothing styles or cliques, he simply gets on with his own life and lets other get on with theirs. Mainly seen in packs or alone in public places. People tend to question their style, their way of living, and especially the music they listen to (and their long hair if they have it.) These guys are the coolest of metalheads and will get along with mostly anyone, but their most hated enemies tend to be emo/scene kids and Nu-Metal posers. They are usually found to have actual experience with musical instruments, thus their like for this wide spectrum. They can be found trying to convert Headbangers. These guys were put here to rock the shit out of you.
Headbanger/Thrasher - The absolute most dangerous Metalhead breed and ironically the most hardcore and brutal form of the Metalhead seeing that the words "hardcore faggot" is repeated on a regular basis. Known as the Metal equivalent of Go-Go dancers, they are seen standing around in packs attempting to get everyone moving while continuing their spree of windmills, which is totally not anywhere near similar to hardcore kids. With their hair that reaches below their shoulders or longer, they engage in the mating ritual that is Headbanging, a windmill motion of their famed locks, which is used to signal other potential Headbangers into an orgy that is the Mosh. Usually seen in a pair of black gray-blue or some other form of those colored pair of jeans usually completely fucked up and sport a Band T-Shirt with any thrash band on it.
They sometimes get along with Punks and Goths and sometimes like Metalcore, but they get along best with the Death Metalhead. They both understand their dangerousness. They can be found spread from America to Britain to even as far north as Norway. They typically hang out in packs or just alone in public places, YouTube, or anywhere haircuts and soap are not required, which is why they are so friendly. They typically don't really bother to insult people unless your a poser and they outnumber you. Most are known to be around the age of 14-85 and the fact says all headbangers know how to play instruments. In fact, their culture is revolved around that bit of information. Due to unwillingness or overall talent, Headbangers may actually learn to make music, therefore sacrificing their necks to their idols as an attempt to feel metal, but as dancers. Anyone who tries to argue that headbanging is not dancing should be re-evaluated with its' meaning.
Black Metalhead (Trve Mehtulz) - (Not to be confused with Afro Metalheads) A very Extreme type of Metalhead. They are typically seen in smaller groups and wear almost destroyed jeans or military cargos, and military boots or flayed sneakers. They usually have very long hair as well as a long Viking-like beard. On special occasions, they paint their faces with children's face paint, which they refer to as "death paint". They are not seen too much on the internet and normally don't make fun of others unless they are so outstandingly stupid that they deserve it, but they are often seen dreaming of committing raids against the Metalcore, Emo, and Nu-Metal/Mallgoths population, many times draining their blood and consuming their flesh while committing satanic rituals (oh, one day...) They also enjoy eating a good healthy breakfast of babies dipped in cancer. They also flood you with so many anti-Christian remarks, you eventually realize that Christianity really is shit. "I like my coffee black, just like my metal." Quote, that determines whether a coffee drinker is one of these kinds of people.
Pagan/Satanic/Folk Metalhead - These guys have the bloodlines of true metalheads, black metalheads, and/or Vikings and are worshiped by the ignorant masses. First and foremost the majority of them are pagan, so they either worship Satan or Norse Gods. They are one of the most dangerous, for they fear nothing and have no weaknesses because they know that Satan/Odin has a nice place for them in the halls of metal when they die. They worship their god(s) like a screaming squeaker worships Fortnite while despising Islam, Jews, and Christ-cucks. They are basically your black metalhead on steroids. They have a fascination with what is "evil" and are inhumanly intelligent, they are usually the overlord of their band and take on strange names committed to blasphemy and mythology; such a Zak'nafein, Prometheus, etc, though this is more common with the Black Metal breed. They enjoy morbid strange tattoos and are often seen looking like they are ready for combat; spiked wrist guards/leather bracers, combat boots, extremely sharp guitars, and sometimes wear clothes that have been buried underground for weeks and wearing Rite-Aid/CVS corpse paint giving them the image of the walking dead. You know, the evil "I'm gonna torture you to death" stuff, oh, and of course, in the name of METAL. They love on stage horror acts like; animal sacrifice, bloodletting, bible burning, destruction of holy grounds, and even filling the sprinkler systems with the blood of scene kids and making them go off at random. If you say the wrong thing to this breed of metalhead, a horde of them will appear to dismember you. Folk Metalheads are a jollier breed. They can often be found hanging around forests and/or pubs. They have a strange fetish for historical accuracy, pendants, and Tolkien. They mostly stay away from politics and prefer discussing topics such as religion, lore, booze, bands, the good ol' Viking days, even more booze, and many others. They are pals with the Black Metalheads and often perform pagan rituals together. Enemies: Capitalism, Muslims, Christians, Jews, Emos, Chavs, Mallgoths, Glam metalheads, and Mexicans. Often ally with Death Metalheads in times of war.
Brutal/Death Metalhead - ... Doesn't the name explain enough?... BRUTAL... Metalhead?... God, you are stupid. Anyways, the Brutal Metalheads are the guys that sadistically traumatized your dad, and then murdered his dog in the '90s. They are LARGE and bulky people with hair reaching to their ass with a death metal T-shirt, army boots, and pants that cover half of their ass. Usually seen hanging out alone or with their band. They ONLY listen to Brutal Death Metal and sometimes like Slam and Grindcore, but the music is basically the most hated, heavy, and brutal form of music and at times is just PURE noise. They sometimes listen to some other metal genres. They feed on the flesh and guts of (Read: get taken the piss out of by)chavs(Read: get taken the piss out of by), Posers, deathcore faggots, screamo faggots, and people they don't like. Unlike the Black Metalhead, the Brutal/Death Metalhead insults EVERYONE on the internet, even other metalheads, but their main targets are posers/scene kids, though their insults aren't very accurate. Their hobbies include Raping virgins, killing mallgoths/Nu-metalheads, making capes out of mallcore/emo skin, and eating elitist losers. They are also the superior leaders in the war against the Mallcores/Nu-Metalheads and chavs (like to think they are at war but the people they claim to be at war with have no idea they even exist). They also don't get along well with Black Metalheads but do ally with them in global conflict.
- Slam-Death Metalhead/Slam Wigger/Grindcore Kid - You will die. These metalheads listen to the most brutal form of music in existence. Human ears can not take it, heads explode within 0.02 seconds of hearing the first slam.
Of course, the above is what fans of slam death metal want you to think. In reality, you're actually listening to the metal equivalent of the monotone, driveling retardedness of modern mainstream rap, and you will notice immediately fans of slam resemble fans of rap; the fitted hats, basketball jerseys, either scrawny or obese body type. Slam wiggers can be found at VFW halls everywhere, waiting for the last breakdown in Blood Splattered Satisfaction.
Goregrind/Pornogrind Metalhead - Brutal Metalheads on speed. It is suggested that you avoid them, as they can survive a full wrath onslaught from Chuck Norris much longer than any mortal, and can take a strong hit of Charlie Sheen. In 2006, the Axis of Evil™ estimated that there are about five Goregrind/Pornogrind Metalheads in the world population. Unfortunately, they have all met each other and one of them is female. They still teach, train, and breed new ones to increase their ranks.
Doom/Sludge/Drone/Stoner Metalhead - Typically seen sitting in their Living Room or Den smoking weed, this breed of Metalhead listens to slow, somewhat depressing, atmospheric, and/or extremely heavy but slow Metal. They sometimes wear round purple-tinted glasses. They normally don't like getting off the couch, but they are utter bad-asses if provoked into doing so. What used to be considered a white redneck population in the rural south is likely to be one of these guy's nowadays. (Especially in Georgia or South Carolina)
- Death-Doom/Funeral Doom Metalhead - These metalheads either listen to sometimes-slow-sometimes-speedy-brutally-heavy shit or if they are of the funeral doom tilt, they listen to really dark, heavy shit while gazing around the house eating Chinese food and writing lyrics for their bands. Death-Doom Metalheads are among the oddest breed of metalheads with widely varying tastes and the calmest demeanor, only drastically fucking someone up if they REALLY feel like it. They usually are involved in anywhere from 3 to 20 bands at once, although at least 2 must be doom of some kind.
Borderline/Somber/Alternative Metal Heads - These "metal heads" are often grouped as nu-metal "pussyheads" by some "true" metalheads because they usually like at least a few nu-metal bands, but they are usually far less pussy-ish and often listen to "True" metal in addition to alternative metal. They are usually hard to distinguish from any other rocker type, so in order to classify them, you usually have to ask them what bands they like. Other ways to tell include: They play bass audibly (unlike a lot of metal bassists), Hate on deathcore/scene/whatever kids but still listen to alternative metal bands, and play lots of video games (except for Fortnite, that game sucks).
Power/Speed/Medieval Metalhead - Wish they lived in Middle-Earth. Although, if one were to enter any respectable comic book store, one would find herds and herds of this breed of metalhead surrounding tables and tables of DnD and Warhammer merchandise, fully happy and in harmony with modern-day life. The wide opinion suggests that many bands have actually found a way to contact gay little elves who gave them the power to play incredibly fast and slay a dragon. They dress in extremely odd pants, and in anything you would find at a medieval fair.
Progressive Metalhead - This breed of metalhead most easily blends in with mainstream society in terms of looks - they are typically short-haired, though the goatee is a near sure sign mark of the progressive metalhead. Progressive metalheads are almost invariably musicians and like to let everyone know it, as when listening to their music they will insist on explaining to you all about the poly-rhythm in this part and the 8-string tapped arpeggio in the guitar solo. Possibly the most xenophobic and elitist of all metalheads, as they look down on both non-metalheads and other forms of metalheads alike for their "simple" tastes in music and do not shy away from taking to the internet for expressing these opinions. Tend to congregate at local Guitar Centers or any five-star music store at some local mall. Some are also pagan too, but unlike the Pagan/Folk breed, they worship Egyptian gods.
- Melodeath Head/Djentfags - A variety of progressive metalheads who look like the progressive metalhead's shithead little brother - usually lanky and wearing fitted t-shirts and skinny jeans. Would prematurely ejaculate at the sight of an Ibanez Prestige 8-string and Fractal AxeFX, and have their own one-man-band that's "picking up some heat on SoundCloud."
Heavy Metalhead - These Metalheads will listen to any music as long as it has Screaming/Guttural vocals, or has especially heavy riffs. The fact that they include Metalcore and Deathcore often means that they are rejected by other types of metalheads, but it is not uncommon to see a Heavy Metalhead as a member of a diverse pack of metalheads, so long as he is not talking about Deathcore or Metalcore. The fact that they like some of the more extreme forms of True Metal, and stay away from Nu Metal and Post Hardcore means that they can be classified as Metalheads instead of Metal Posers. They are usually very chill people until you get them in a mosh pit. Then they will drastically fuck someone up. A large portion of them is straight edge, although not all of them are. So while you're getting wasted, the Heavy Metalhead will be practicing Jiu-Jitsu, Kalaripayattu, or Krav Maga, just so he can put it into practice at the next concert he goes to.
Avant-Garde Metalhead - The avant-Garde Metalhead, is probably the far oddest and intelligent metalhead even when compared to the progressive metalhead. They can usually be seen with their unusual hair that is basically six dreadlocks curls and the rest wildly fucked up hair! Their taste of metal is wide but their music isn't taken seriously by most people due to that it is extremely technical and confusing, while other metalheads headbang, the avant-garde metalhead has two rituals the sacred "seisurebang" that consists of headbanging and shaking violently, and the sacred handshake resulting in the Avant-Garde Metalhead Removing his or her skeleton from his or her body then putting it back in place in a matter of seconds, they can usually be found everywhere injecting bug blood into their own and creating new breeds of stuff, or experimenting with music.
Passive Metalheads - These metalheads have no extra title, as they listen to almost every form of metal except deathcore which is for pussies. They enjoy bands like Soilwork, As I Lay Dying, Cannibal Corpse, Skinless, Dimmu Borgir, and every other kind of real metal in existence. They are also non-elitist, so they also listen to stuff that isn't metal, like system of a down, disturbed, and jazz. very cool people, unless you piss them off, then they will slaughter you with chainsaws, shotguns, and death metal growls. Most can play an instrument or at least headbang like a god. Many are also hardcore single-player gamers, love fantasy, and have their own gaming pc.
Not Brutal Enough Metalheads[edit | edit source]
Nu-Metalhead - They do not pay respect to true metal bands (which distinguishes them from metalheads that listen to nu-metal AND listen to true metal. These people are simply considered metalheads with retarded taste.) They think that the word "true" is spelled with a V and not a U. They usually wear Element tees, Polos, Adidas clothing, Nu Metal band tees and JNCO, Southpole, or any other baggy jeans, as well as baseball caps, studded belts or Billabong belts. They get along with Hard rockers, Metalcore kids, and think Juggalos can fuck off.
Gothic Metalhead - An oxymoron, Gothic Metalheads normally consist of misguided Mallgoths who think Goth and Metal are synonymous. They typically have black hair and wear black skinny jeans, Hot Topic bondage pants, enormous boots full of buckles and studs, and white-colored eye lenses. You will never see a Gothic Metalhead in a small town or especially not a rural area, as any kind of manual labor would ruin their precious little hands and strain their frail, scar-covered arms. They are typically skeletal in appearance and hang out with two or three buddies, or in crowds at the mall in the nearest big city while crying to faggy music. Also, don't EVER confuse them for a Scene/Emo fag, as there is an honest (and lack of) difference between the two "groups".
Glam/Hair/Sleaze Metalhead - These are the guys that fucked your mom in the '80s. Very friendly most of the time when you first meet but don't be fooled by their passive nature, they just want to get in your pants. They have extremely long girly hair-sprayed hair and are generally seen in extremely flamboyant clothing. Their attire consists of Snakeskin cowboy Boots or Chuck Taylor high tops, tight jeans of ANY color, Laced leather pants, Latex gloves, and a band shirt with ripped sleeves. Despite their attire, however, they are rarely homosexual in any way. Also, it is amazing to know they will probably get laid in a week more than you ever will in your life.
Fake/Poser Metalheads[edit | edit source]
Deathcore Kid - The gayest breed of "Metalhead", normally hang out naked in groups of 2-8. PISS THEM OFF, they are huge pussies. You can tell you're looking at a Deathcore fag when you see them standing in circles with their arms crossed and deep, angry, pensive, and/or utterly confused expressions on their faces. Either that or dark blue or black boot cut jeans, asymmetrical hair (normally messy and unkempt), wears wristbands and chain necklaces, shoes range in the interest of the person, black band T-shirts such as Despised Icon, Suicide Silence, Impending Doom. Most of them can scream, chirp, growl, or make disturbing animal noises. They wear their little sister's jeans and yell at their mommies to shrink their Suicide Silence shirts. If they don’t like your music, they will tell you it blows bullshit because they know nothing about music, and the fangirls of Deathcore are particularly scene chicks. Remember, they're "Fvcking Br00tal, and are always hated on by the gayass "tr00 mehtulz" elitists." - This is what a Deathcore pussy might try to sell to you. Take none of it and resume bashing him like the little emo outcast he wishes he wasn't. These quote-on-quote "metalheads" are a joke to the tr00 Metalheads above and to nature itself.
- Metalcore/Post-Hardcore/Screamo fag - Seriously, fuck 'em. They're quite honestly the worst kind of Hardcore kid in existence and most of the shit they listen to is repetitive and almost as cheesy as a Miley Cyrus song. They're more, if not just as immature as the standard Deathcore kid and their physical appearance is very similar to scene/emo kids. Research has concluded that the best way to deal with these fags are to make them give back their sister's pants and burn their Asking Alexandria shirt, but the average "true" metalhead will tell you that beating them half to death is safer for the rest of the world. But we'll leave that up to you! ;)
Insecure Elitist - We're not even going to say anything. Except that they're most commonly found on youtube, making rant videos on Avenged Sevenfold using MS Sam's voice, all while demanding whiny A7X fans to listen to some underground band they've never heard of.
Scene/Emo Fags - Lame-ass posers, and also preps trying to be metal. They usually hang out in the mall and listen to trancecore and crunkcore bands. They usually wear eyeliner, dye their straightened bangs black or in multiple colors, wear tight shirts, and their little sister's skinny jeans. Constantly bitch sarcastically about their amazing life after taking selfies and bragging about their attention-grabbing wrist cuts. An emo kid is a metalhead's arch enemy. They must be slaughtered ruthlessly, as only a metalhead can do.
This isn't metal and shouldn't be here, because these losers are not metalheads.
Juggalo - Not metalheads, nor claim to be, the Juggalo is a mysterious creature. Often confused as a Metal or Hard Rock fan by outsiders due to black shirts with blood on them, the Juggalo is the bastard child of Goth and Hip-Hop, yet hated by both communities. The average Juggalo believes they are some sort of "ghetto thug gangsta" who is misunderstood and claim their music is underground even though ICP merch can easily be found at Walmart. They claim to be gangstas yet have never spent more than a night or two in the inner city that one time they went to the beach with their parents and stayed at that Motel 6. When not a suburban poser, usually a confused, poverty-stricken rural dweller. Often times from a trailer park. To describe their appearance in greater detail, imagine a hardcore skinhead trying to be black. It seems stupid right? Exactly! The Hardcore Juggalo usually lacks any kind of intelligence. Often a high school dropout that can usually be found working at Burger King part-time so they can keep scamming disability when they're 30. As teens, hardcore Juggalos are usually found smoking meth or crack or pills and talking shit in mall parking lots or at high school football games. Clothing usually includes oversized Psychopathic tees, sagging jeans, dated late 90s haircuts (the coolio do or cornrows), and fake neck chains. Some metal fans are noted to have gone through a Juggalo phase in their teens at one point or another. These guys are acceptable, as they usually realize the stigma one receives for openly liking ICP makes liking them, even ironically not worth it. These guys usually donate all Psychopathic merch to Goodwill by the time they're 19-20 and never speak of it again. A real Juggalo can be spotted by scent. Typically when the scent of stale weed, cat piss, and dried soda enters your nose, there's a Juggalo nearby. If you must fight one, bring friends, as they're rarely seen without their "Juggalo families". When possible, punch them in the face really hard. It is, however, possible to enjoy the wackiness of ICP and Psychopathic, and not be a Juggalo. It's unwise to wear their merch in this situation, as you will be confused for one. One can also be a metalhead and enjoy ICP and such without being a Juggalo.
Participation in The War of Rock[edit | edit source]
Metalheads were an important ally for the Loyalist forces in the series of world-wide conflict known as The War of Rock. Although it is a metalhead's tendency to go against anything non-metal, their blind hatred for/need of nourishment from the Emos, Nazi-Punks, Rockers, Scene Kids, etc. of the "New Rocking Order" forced the metal armies out of isolation from the rest of the music world, and entered the conflict, horns raised, heads banging.
Metal doctrine is at the heart of the root cause of the conflict. The argument started when Jack Black announced to the public that he believed the "New Rocking Order" to be "Homosexual Loser Piggies, who couldn't Rock like Dio, who rocked for a long long time..."
Many Metal Army Divisions won key victories for the Loyalist forces. Taking a hiatus from their status as Jesus, the underground band of Iron Maiden is responsible for single-handedly defeating Funeral for a Friend and Korn in a single day. Another famous battle is the Battle for Hollywood, specifically the Thrash Charge. The bands snuck up the hill to the Hollywood sign and caught General Avril Lavigne by surprise. What followed was 4 hours of a bunch of guys beating up a woman. Rest assured, they all thought they were big men by the end of it.
Metal Chicks[edit | edit source]
The female metalheads are often chicks with hot bodies if you're lucky (there are still some "mooses" running the colors). Unlike ordinary humans, the Metal Chick is dominant over the male, deciding where he sleeps, what he does all day, what he can eat, and when he can breathe. Also Unlike ordinary humans, the metal chick will not punish the male by withholding sex; rather, metal chicks actually have a way to punish their males by having tame sex with them (the male prefers it rough). The Metal Chick has a second set of teeth, one that isn't in her mouth.
Those female metalheads who are not sadistic will always be 'the man' in bed. You should keep these things in mind to avoid being raped by metal chicks.
- If you hear a metal band will be doing a concert in your local area, leave the town and stay somewhere else until the band has moved on. After metal chicks are done flashing their tits to the band members, they'll always go out and find young men to rape.
- Keep a good supply of company and a counter female. These items have been proven effective in repelling any form of metal thottery.
- Don't listen to emo, rap, or pop. Remember that metalheads live on a diet of emo kids and posers, and act very feral to Chavs (ongoing wrath war). Forms of music other than metal are signs to a metalhead that food is not far away.
If you do end up getting raped by a metal chick, keep this in mind:
- Whatever you do, don't irritate the metal chick. She can use her "second" set of teeth at will.
- Don't resist. Resisting will irritate her. Besides, she has the strength of ten people so resisting is kinda pointless.
- While being raped, don't cry or fearfully scream for help. Instead, yell angrily at the top of your lungs, as it sounds like metal singing, which will please the metal chick, making her less inclined to hurt you.
Metalheads in today's culture[edit | edit source]
Today, metalheads are characterized as people who wander around starting fights over the internet for no apparent reason. They can be sighted at concerts wearing their jackets covered in band patches, taken from the medieval practice of bearing the coat of arms on a shield. For example, the House of Slayer has been beating the shit out of Cute is What We Aim For for quite some time. The mortal enemies of the Metalhead clans are great in number, including the Emo/Scene Clan and the Posers, as well as the Hardcore try hard clan, a wretched crew of flesh which crawls from deep, subterranean pools of custard. They pretty much hate anyone who's either an Emo, Prep, Chavs because they all share the idea that metal is a joke genre.
An everyday Metalhead's favorite hobbies include:
- Being incredibly loud
- Writing with a complete disregard for grammar (It was ironic the guy before me spelt it wrong.), punctuation, or any sense of modern English (exception: Progressive and Melodeath heads, who use quasi-intellectual literate responses for the same trolling purposes).
- Masturbation. (They're still human.)
- Going to shows and pwning scene kids in moshpits.
- Putting together bands that usually last for about a month.
- Being even louder.
- Showing hardcore punks real moshpit wounds. ("I'll show you bleeding!")
- Being Anti-political. (Although sounding very slop jobbed...)
- Being better than R&B, Techno, Trance, Urban, Pop, Rap, and/or pretty much anything that isn't metal. This is necessary for the Metal Head as he needs to be on top of the food chain when eating them.
- Not playing Fortnite. It's been mentioned enough times in this article.