Slavs

“"They live in pitiful hovels which they set up far apart from one another, but, as a general thing, every man is constantly changing his place of abode."”

~ Procopius of Caesarea on actual economic situation of Slavic nations.

““When they enter battle, the majority of them go against their enemy on foot carrying little shields and javelins in their hands, but they never wear corselets. Indeed, some of them do not wear even a shirt or a cloak, but gathering their trews up as far as to their private parts they enter into battle with their opponents.””

~ Procopius of Caesarea on on modern slavic military industry achievements.

A poor Slavic knyaz is again marrying an ugly but rich Westerner lady for improve his own wealth. We can also see an example of typical, barbarian, Slavic haircut: too few hairs in the bottom and too much hairs at the top.

Slavs - are the largest group of barbarians peoples living on the borders of Europe speaking very similar, but utterly chaotic, incomprehensible and complicated languages. They live in Central Europe, Eastern Europe, Southeast Europe, North Asia, and in all the places where a good plumber is needed. The natural slavic environments are dark forests and steppes with the average temperature near -20 degrees Celsius, and with pay less than 20 Euro per month. The slavic brotherhood is so strong, that they try, from time to time, to create an one, big, slavic country with their neigbours, mainly with the help of hard negotiations tactics.

Slavic culture

Slavic culture is mainly based on dances that are composed only of jumps and knee bends and on vodka. Slavic people have also invented a type of very high and hairy hats, used for dusting the ceiling in slavic flats. Slavs still remembers time when they were half-nomadic tribes, and from this reason they often move with all the family on casual directions, but predominantly on the west direction. Those people are nearly 70% of slavic export.

Slavic tribes nations

• Poles - all members of this tribe have big moustaches on their faces and heads shaved from below. They can't accept the fact that Russians can drink more vodka than Poles(but they can drink more Bimber). Poles think to be a betrayed victim of all their neighbours, sole truly roman-catholic nation, and a Messiah of all nations. They don't like nobody (except Hungarians, Czechs & Croats); formerly mostly West Ukrainians, Russians & Germans, but now they mostly hate Arabs & Blacks.

• Czechs - a little tribe near Poland. They drink a lot of beer, and they don't like Slovaks. Czechs believe to be the most modern, civilized and european slavic nation surrounded by dirty barbarians, but in reality they want to cover up their complex about size of their country. Their goodest invention was the Jožin z Bažin song.

• Slovaks - little tribe of mountain alcoholics, with a big dose of nationalism. Their national hero is Juraj Jánošík, a mountain highwayman. They stubbornly claim that slovak is a separate language, totally different from czech.

• Ukrainians - tribe of steppe bandits, all with moustaches reaching knees, and strange haircut called "herring". Their principal occupation is to organize, from time to time, "Yevromaydans" in centers of their cities, and constantly shouting "Glory to the Great Ukraine". They are impossibly proud of their country created 20 years ago, and they don't like Poles and Russians. And they AREN'T Russians! They love Germans and Americans, but without mutuality. Though they hate Poland, they go there to work.

• Belarussians - quiet, polite, and peaceful tribe between Russia and Poland.They live in their paradise with Lukashenko, and they are in love with Russians. They have a separated language, but they prefer to speak Russian.

• Russians - bearded, and only authentic slavic nation in all the world. They love all their slavic neighbours because they think, that all the Slavs are, in actual fact, Russians. They have a grudge against Poles and Ukrainians just because they are unwilling to be Russians. They miss their Uncle Stalin, and they believe in prophecy about a Great Russian Czar, who will come and unite all the Holy Motherland.

• Croatians - they want to prove that Croatians are the biggest Catholics. They can wear only clothes with Croatian flag colours, and throwing firecrackers and smoke bombs at football tournaments is their love language. The main enemy of Croats (living in the 90s) are Serbs. Croats KNOW that Bosnia it's really Croatia.

• Serbs - tribe liked by nobody on the Balkans. Serbs like only Russians, because they are orthodox too, and mainly, because they are far away. They believe only in Russia, and they KNOW that Kosovo is really Serbia, even if in Kosovo is 4% of Serbs.

• Bulgarians - tribe who really wants to be Slavs in 100% but in reality is composed in 50% of Slavs and the rest are Turks. Thats why they don't like all their non-slavic neighbours. Bulgarians want to convince Macedonians that Macedonians are really Bulgarians.

• Macedonians - a little tribe with a national identity nobody want to accept. Macedonians treat their complexs by believing that they are truly descendants of Alexander of Macedonia. Macedonians are a very hospitable people, in fact in their country there are more guests than hosts.

• Slovenians - some germanisated villages on the mountains who decided to create a country. Slovenia is so small, that slovenians ski jumpers must take passeport with them. Nobody can see Slovenia on the map, and for this reason is often mistaked for Slovakia.

• Bosnians - some slavic muslims that are scared by Croatians and Serbs neighbours in anger for the imam's shoutings five times at day. They build hundreds of miniarets, for make more difficult to destroy them all.

• Montenegrians - mountains shepherds who decided that making money from tourism is better than be killed in some tribal war.

• Romanians - slavs who speak a Latin language. They won't admit that they are slavs even though multiple DNA tests say otherwise. Even their language sounds like a Russian guy trying to speak Italian. They are the bane of all Turkish lifeforms due to their history of impaling Turks just to give the word "kebab" a whole new meaning.

Fundamental Stereotypes

Content Warning: These articles are presented as originally created. They may contain outdated cultural depictions.

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