Pygmy

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Everything you wanted to know about the European colonization of Africa in one handy image.

A pygmy is a short, spear-wielding, tribesman who lives in the jungles of central Africa. Pygmies speak many languages, most are similar to other African dialects, but some are more like Klingon or Elvish. Thus, scientists believe that the common nerd is a descendant of pygmies.

Pygmies enjoy a life of separation from modern society. It is believed that pygmies are very territorial and mark what they own by urinating all over it. This is common with everything from land to women.

In fact, five-foot soul sensation R. Kelly used this defense in his legal hearings, pleading that it was a custom of his people, who he referred to as his "Peeps", which, appropriately enough, is a diminutive.

A Short History[edit]

In 1944, the American Army needed a way of keeping troops satisfied after five years at war. Since all the women and homosexuals were working in factories, the government had to resort to interspecies prostitution.

Eventually, after much trial and error at the petting zoo, experts decided that guinea pigs are the sluttiest mammals.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pygmy.

A few weeks later the project was launched and was an overnight success. The soldiers fought harder in battle, driving off the Nazis and ending World War II. The fatal flaw with the project (which caused governments to postpone WWIII) was the excessive number of guinea pig-human hybrids (now known as 'pygmies').

The US had to think fast. All pygmies were captured and taken to Redneck territory. There they were used as live bait for 'gator huntin' and soon became an endangered species. Thus, America's sneaky-ass intelligence agencies kept the whole 'pygmy' thing underground.

For years the world lived in ignorance until 1995, when South Africa announced that they discovered a new race living amongst their various unhappy peoples. Since the whole democracy vibe was still in the air, Nelson Mandela found it only fitting that the pygmies were given equal rights too. That's when the Declaration of Pygmypendence was drawn up and pygmies all over SA could live in peace.

As time went by, humans found themselves attracted to these pygmies and eventually they, uhm...yeah. Eventually some HIV+ retard from Limpopo infected a pygmy and what happened next, well...

This photo was taken seconds before the victim was savaged by the tiny pygmy woman to her left.

What Happened Next[edit]

The little pygmy's body couldn't handle the virus and so a new strain was created: PIV.

Once infected, the pygmy spawns uncontrollably and has an urge to bite flesh off humans (thus giving survivors Pygmy AIDS). The good news is that pygmies are really, really stupid. The bad news is that their intelligence increases dramatically after each feed.

Pygmies are very dangerous at nightclubs (pygmies hide out in the dark corners, pretending to be fire extinguishers). They often try to blend in at high schools, but can be immediately recognised by their lack of interest in varsity football.

Pygmy AIDS in Humans[edit]

Pygmy AIDS - You will die

If victims escape after being bitten (highly unlikely), they start having sudden muscle spasms.

This leads to uncontrollable sharting. The human body eventually gives in to PAIDS and enters catharsis.

There is no treatment nor cure for PIV and PAIDS. The President's advice is to take a shower after being bitten. This has been proven to do absolutely nothing but most Americans could use a shower.

In the more likely event that the victim is not able to escape, the pygmy will not only continue biting but will also start raping said victim through the ear. This involves the insertion of tentacles (which sprout from the pygmy's back) into the victim's ear, through the brain, and out the other ear.

The purpose of this is to release PAIDS directly into the victim's brain and apparently tickles like the dickens.

Features[edit]

The fancy mustache of horror!
  • very, very short
  • dark skin tone
  • light skin tone
  • short

After infection:

  • still extremely short
  • red eyes
  • baldness
  • sharp white teeth
  • hairy feet
  • large nostrils
  • fancy mustache