Elf

“Go not to the elves for council, for they will say neither yes or no, they will simply rip your legs off and use them to beat you to death, they will then eat your colon...(500 concequences of going to the elves later)... and thats if they LIKE you”

~ Gandalf on elves

Though this looks like an Elf, it's actually an Elvish Impersonator.

Elves are a race of immoral creatures, remotely related to human beings through extensive interbreeding at Agent Elrond's Palace at the end of the Third Age. Main physical differences are that they have pointy ears and get +2 to DEX, -2 to CON and a +2D6 to SEX APP, except those ones who fought a bit too clumsily in the Middle Ages and subsequently carries a network of badly-healed facial scar tissues.

The 10th-Century Icelandic poet Thrund suggests that they also have infravision, but other sources suggest that Thrund was huffing something. Most modern scholars recognise that whilst Elves had infravision in Thrund's day it is no longer the case. Modern elves exhibit 'Low Light Vision'.

Elves are smaller than pixies.

Origin of Elves

That is real elf!!!

Elves reproduce by a special form of fission called "twelving": Using a sharp, heavy instrument such as a sword or axe, the elf's mate cuts him or her in two from head to crotch. This method was famously described by William Shakespeare in "Cleaving yon Elfe in Twain"; twain-elf eventually became shortened and altered, first to twelf and then, finally, to twelve.

Humans created the word "elvish", which comes from "s'elfish", a term used to describe original commercial transactions between humans and elves.

Same as a non-blue, smallish smurf (see The Smurfs) and prevalent around Christmas Day, Elves make up the predominant population of Iceland. See for example Bjork. (Arch-nemesis is Billy Ocean)

Elves in Mod Society

In the sixties, the Elves were frequently allied with the Mod community, as their ancient enemies the Dwarves had allied themselves with the Rockers.

Recently, elves have been known to impersonate dwarfs in an atempt to be known as "little people" instead of midgets.

Elves in the North Pole

The Great Northern Elves or Christmas Elves are a great society of Elvi that was enslaved by a tyrant king (Klaus Nikolai) whom the elvi voted into power by mistake as they were enticed by the promise of "a glass of milk and cookie in every home". The whole populace is now laboring year round in a sweat shop at the North Pole that produces hi-tech devices for Japan and Toys-R-Us. The Christmas elves are now known by their slave name - Santa's Elves.

Elves and Vulcans

In spite of superficial similarities, the Elves and the Vulcans are mortal enemies and have been ever since Agent Elrond ordered the assassination of Ambassador Sarek in the 23rd Century.

The primary difference between Elves and Vulcans is that the planet Vulcan has greater gravity than Torril, giving Vulcans a +2 to STR, compared to Elves -2.

His knowledge of Star Trek and D&D gives the writer of this piece a +2 GEEK BONUS.

Except that they made a mistake, Elves don't get a -2 STR, they get -2 CON, so the +2 Geek bonus goes to Me!

And I get a +4 Geek bonus for pointing out that it's spelled "Toril" (one "r")!

Whilst the reader of this article who laughed at the aforementioned sentence gets a +1 geek point, but -2 strength (real men don't spend time laughing in front of computers, they get sweaty and hug each other, viz. football).

On Earth in 25 AD, the emperor Tiberius, who was irate from the fact more people worshiped James Tiberius Kirk more than him and that he had no Bible-bashers to fight yet, ordered the great nerd purge and as bait to rat out trekkies who proudly correct any mistakes (see above), used to his advantage the not-widely known difference between elves and vulcans.

Dark elves and Romulans

Nothing is known about the relationship between dark elves (drow) and Romulans, not because the two kin have not had contact, but because nobody who is worth listening to cares about either, consequently no record persist. Although it is clear that Romulans have better cloaks.

Elves and Timothy Olyphant

The widely publicised killing spree in Paris, 1870 last week, believed to be perpetrated by the notorious defective clone Timothy Olyphant, who was a tragic side effect to the project to produce Mr. 17, an eventual counter force to Justin Timberlake. Elves have been in uproar over the defective clone's recent killing sprees against elves, although the only evidence that the numerous victims have actually been of elvish descent only comes from a farmer high on LSD who finds Runescape a highly intellectual online community, elves are determined to find some flimsy excuse to kill Timothy Olyphant.

Types of Elves

According to the 2006 census of Fairyland, the Elven population* breaks down as follows:

• 71.5% Really Hot Midget Bitches ready to spread 'em
• 50% High Elves
• 23% Keebler Elves
• 16% Anti-Human Racist Elves, also known as Scoia'tael
• 15% Wood Elves
• 15% Night Elves
• 13% Merkin
• 3% Hawt Night Elves
• 10% Aquatic Elves
• 10% Free Elves, who are marginally racist
• -55% Elvis
• -98% Elvis Imitator
• 12% Penguin Humping Elves
• 2% Caucasian Elves
• -19% Asploding elves (cause they're already dead in several dimensions)
• 08% Abriel blue-haired space elves
• 07% Dark Elves
• 05% Imploding Elves
• 3.14% Math Elves
• 01% Toxic Elves
• 01% Blues Elves
• 03% Vulcans
• 0.75% Santa's Elves
• 1% Kokori
• 1.6667% Spam Elves
• 0.5% Garden Gnomes
• 0.0000000000001% little teens under 5 feet with pointy ears
• x/Like-Afinity-Gosh!% Blue elf (AKA arguably smurfs... still debated)
• 40.000% House Elves, a goblin race that claim to be elves
• 0% Freaky Elves (just search on image google YSURAN AUONDRIL)
• 12% Fire Elves (Rare breed, almost extinct)
• 347% Elves that will strap a monkey to a pirate ship and rip the hair out of a hamburger bun....

Note: The percentage total goes over 100%. Normally this would mean that it operates in multiple dimensions, however Elves are magical and mysterious according to half-assed DnD/semi-Tolkien lore.

It should also be noted that elves don't believe in mathematics, which lead to the Great Massacre of Rivendell. It all stemmed from the frustration of a dark elf and a high elf who, while playing DnD, couldn't agree on how much the Sword of +10 Smiting would raise an Orcish warrior's Smiting stat.

To a further note, the Scoia'tael for those of you unfamilliar with them, are anti-human fighters for independence. They tend to forget their cousins the Free Elves have a nice, free country called Dol Blathanna for them, and being immensely brave and courageous, they continue their fight against Churkeys, Men and those little annoying, small-statured, bearded mountain dwellers.

These stats are somewhat different among fictional elves played in the real world of Dungeons and Dragons: The most popular type of elf played is the subtype of the Dark Elf known commonly as a Drizzt Clone.

Elvish Language

Elves speak a language called Elvish. Elves repeatedly claim that their language is full of beauty and subtlety; however, to hominid ears, every word of Elvish sounds like somebody is whispering "lthppt-thppt-thlppt-lth-lthppt-thppt-thpp-lthththppt" over and over again. The hominids' impressions were confirmed right by legendary hominid Noam Chomsky's legendary 1977 work, "Those Elves and their Silver Tongues: The Beauty Of Repetitive Whispered Thppt".

Elvish has that crazy-ass Welsh double-l sound, the hyper-alveolar laterally-transsubstantiated OMEGA Level-5 Triplex-articulated megafricative of Doom. This sound is so crazy that it has been long since been banned in all civilized countries, and now can only be found in such places as Iraq, Botswana, Bejing, Wales, Sudan, and the Klingon homeworld.

And this is why no one believes any of these groups exist, especially the Welsh.

People & Organizations

• Elvish Costello
• Angela LXXII
• Keebler Elf Intelligence Agency
• Governor Mitch Daniels

Elven Women

Elven women are know to look like they are in the age of Jail bait for the rest of their life, luckily sometimes they look like they are 18-20. Elven Women are known to be wise, good warriors, and beautiful, depending many elves around the universe have different fashions, In some places elven women wear half nude skimpy armor that for some odd reason protect them from combat this come from the fact that elven women are equip with WMD's ( Weapons of Mass Distraction) which gives them +9000 defense against all attacks, and with these weapons everyone can be defeated.

Famous elves

• Elvish
• Galadriel
• Ronnie James Dio
• Orlando Bloom
• Santa Clause
• Jesus H. Christ
• Carrot Top (Actually half-elf, half shitty mop of dyed hair, but I digress.)
• Jar Jar Binks
• Will Ferrell
• Your Mom
• Oscar Wilde
• The Village People
• Dumbledore
• Gary Coleman
• Marilyn Monroe
• Lady Gaga