User:Happytimes/R. Kelly

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“One is P. Diddy, and the other is "Pee? Did he?"”

~ Oscar Wilde on the difference between Puff Daddy and R Kelly.
As well as being stylish, this eye mask provides excellent protection from splashback during watersport play.

R. Kelly, born 'R(oberto). Kelly (January 8th, 1967 - just now), is an occasional mediocre rapper and formerly successful artise with a bevy of musical hits. As a three time Grammy winner he has joined the ranks of other well known "musicians" such as Celine Dion, Baha Men, Michael Bolton and Milli Vanilli. Mega-popular for his R & B jams during the 1990's his success was unprecedented. Having been one of the top-selling musical acts during that time he's been able to hold onto celebrity status today through the use of blackmail and payola. Kelly's newer songs often include explicit sexual references and repetitious statements of the obvious.[1]


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For those of you who enjoy yellow journalism, the experts at Wikipeedia have a mirthful article about R. Kelly.

Early hits[edit]

R. Kelly began his singing career as a fetus when he rhymed, "lub-dub" with "dub-lubb."[2] Rumored to be of Chicago birth, he was born a poor child. But a simple wish upon a shooting star made at a family barbecue began his rocket to fame. Kelly's entire list of songs is prolific.

Discography[edit]

Note: Kelly's body of work is so large that it violates Uncyclopedia's list policy and legally cannot be shown here.

Most famous for talking about himself in third person; stating he is "the most important black man alive,"[3] well-known for urinating on a teenage girl with his Lil Wayne.

Child sex tape/pornography trial[edit]

In 2002, the Chicago Police Child Investigative Unit (CPCIU) and a writer for the Chicago Suntimes showed protege Sparkle a videotape allegedly of her younger niece, then allegedly approximately 14, and R. Kelly allegedly engaging in alleged sexual acts. Sparkle identified the young girl as her sister's daughter. Sparkle testified against R. Kelly in a subsequent criminal trial on charges of child pornography in 2008.[4]

The jury found Kelly not guilty in the case. The trial had been delayed repeatedly, and the matter was only heard more than six years after it was originally reported. More than six years of hit after hit. Six years of golden R. Kelly.

Trapped in the closet[edit]

Kelly's Hip Hop Opera: (HIPHOPERA), Trapped in the Closet (All At Once) is colloquially known as both "the worst movie ever made" and the "two hours of my life I'll never get back."

Trapped in the cupboard[edit]

The 189-part sequel to Trapped in the closet.

Drinking game rules[edit]

A happy fun time substance abuse bored game can be brought out of the closet with these three simple rules when watching the hiphopera or hiphopera commentary:

  1. Every time R. Kelly repeats himself, says something redundant, or explains what is happening on or off the screen, take a drink.
  2. Go to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning.

References[edit]

  1. And repetitious statements of the repetitious statements of the obvious.
  2. From the limited LP release Sounds of the heart.
  3. http://vermillionbrain.blogspot.com/2007/05/r-kelly-declares-himself-greatest-black.html
  4. "Jurors have R. Kelly Case". Chicago Tribune. Retrieved September 25, 2010.