HowTo:Turn Your Television On

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Are you tired of channel surfing? Are you tired of those nights of insomnia wasted away watching other people have sex on television? Turning on your television set is by no means easy. For one thing, not all television sets have things that can be so easily teased like a computer, which has a full array of mouse, keyboard and other such devices. In fact, some even say it's harder to turn your television on than it is to turn your Terminator. One of the sure-fire ways not to turn on your television set is hitting the "Power" button repeatedly, this will only anger the television in question.

Why Televisions Are Hard To Turn On[edit | edit source]

Well, for starters, there's a plethora of television sets available. You can go for the extremely kinky simple kind that used the ancient tubes, or you can go for a modern plasma screen HDTV with Dolby Surround Sound. Of course, it also all depends on the accessories with the TV, largely because the TV cannot have sex unless it has a SexBox or a DVD player but most men typically go with the classic VCR plugged into it. Women might go for the SexBox namely because the controllers can vibrate.

Sexual Preferance of Televisions[edit | edit source]

An aroused plasma television waiting to completely dominate and sexually own your ass. You know you love it.

Televisions are inherently and primarily female, for they are often pursued by men. It is unclear as to why exactly televisions appeal to men, but it is the primary key in how a television can be turned on. Televisions have also been known to turn gay men into bisexual men their appeal is so great. Televisions are very dominant in their sexuality, often preferring to have their partner bound so tightly that they can't move while having sex with them. This appeals to most BDSM fetishists and because these fetishists have the proper equipment to accomidate their television.

Methods[edit | edit source]

Like any good complicated electrical system, the Television has a safe, slightly unsafe, and incredibly risky modes, though all depending on your television... Pay attention here!

Safe Method[edit | edit source]

For all televisions that come with remote controls, simply rubbing the remote on your bare crotch is a good way to get your television's interest, but be sure you've actually got it on... and be sure to watch an infomercial while trying this, for all that talk of "shipping" and "handling" will eventually get your television to become sexually interested in you. Of course, this takes weeks to work, so some often opt for the Slightly Unsafe Method.

For those old televisions with dials and buttons, watch porn and hump the screen. This may or may not work.

Slightly Unsafe Method[edit | edit source]

The slightly unsafe method is where things get slightly complicated.

A really old, really small tube television for a really old really small person. Or is it? Just look at all those knobs and dials and spinny things...

If you're trying to turn on a plasma television, then your best bet would be to take the television down off the wall or the table and give it a few lap dances on top, in a position resembling a cowboy/cowgirl riding a horse. Of course the television must have power to it for it to be aware of your advances. You run a risk of the television becoming turning itself off due to lack of interest. Plasma televisions are very fickle and once you've done something, they don't want it done again, after all, they have access to all the porn channels unrestricted. Sometimes, you might play with the DVD player instead for equal results.

If you're trying to turn on an analog television, as in one of those large plastic boxes with a glass screen. Due to their weight and lack of maneuverability, it is advised that you start playing with the VCR instead. If you don't have one, search your local junkyard to get one. Once you have your VCR, start ejecting and pulling out the old VHS tapes and putting them back in. This is a good way to turn on your analog television, but you run the risk of it rejecting you if it doesn't like you enough and firing that big plastic cassette right into your forehead.

If you're trying to turn on one of those tube televisions, then the best way is to get naked, start playing with all the dials and knobs while licking the screen and if you're a woman, press your breasts against the screen. It'll get you bonus points in turning on your television. Of course, this doesn't work as some of those older televisions can be very old fashioned and so they may refuse you a dozen or so times. Although the tube televisions can be the most rewarding as those tubes have plenty of good uses. This is a favorite for women.

Incredibly Risky Method[edit | edit source]

(This is for ALL televisions) The incredibly risky method involves taking one pair of jumper cables and latching one end onto your nipples and the other attatched to the actual circuit board of your television all before hitting the power button. Of course, when you hit that fabled button and the television wakes up to your nipples receiving a lot of juice (television juice) it will undoubtedly want sex with you next. BEWARE: Using the incredibly risky method can lead to some incredibly risky stuff, often resulting in some kind of combination of electric jolts and physical mutilation.

Television Sex[edit | edit source]

Depending on what method you used, Television sex can vary to some degree... But here will be explained Safe Television Sex

  • Wear a titanium condom - Not only will it turn on your television even more, but it also conducts electricity!
  • (If you're female) Install antennas on your television. Self explanatory!
  • Don't wear shoes - "Why not?" you ask? Well, all the better to shock you with, my dear.
  • Don't wear a wrist watch - Don't make your television think it has to compete for you!

If You Were Stupid[edit | edit source]

If you are a complete moron and want no excitement or pleasure in your life, you chose the Safe and Slightly Unsafe methods, didn't you? You suck at life and therefore deserve to have your television use you like a two-bit whore. Televisions are very dominating types of machines and they can be extremely demanding.

If You Were Smart[edit | edit source]

If you were smart, you actually got the titanium condom and decided to try out the Incredibly Risky Method out on your television and you got style, man! Go for it by all means! And remember, DVD players are extensions of your television, use them! So go slap some plastic and silicon, you've earned the right to own that television!

Television Porn: I Can See It So Clearly![edit | edit source]

Television porn has hit the nation by storm. Now people are watching other people have sex with televisions on television! The latest and greatest in home theater equipment is being purchased nationwide by large porn organizations. It's something the whole family cannot enjoy!

See Also[edit | edit source]