DVD

“Where wouldn't we be with DVD?”

~ Oscar Wilde on DVD

“This rental DVD must be way more damaged than it seems. Half of the VTS_01_1.VOB file is unreadable”

~ n00b attempting to copy a Sony DVD with the use of antique software (and subsequently getting pwnd)

The DVD (pronounced: doov-de) is an optical storage format that was primarily invented as a throwing weapon against large groups, but was also later used for storing data and watching movies.

History

The DVD, or Destroyer of Vaginal Discharges, was invented by Nikola Tesla on June 14th, 1942, for the sole purpose of providing something to throw at the hordes of small, rabid children that were rioting in the streets. The result, when thrown, shattered into sharp fragments, causing maximum damage. Edison then knocked him out with a newspaper and took the invention for himself, decreasing its size and giving it a new name and purpose, during which a blind, raging Nikola invented Blu-Ray. Unlike Tesla's version, Edison solely made the DVD from used newspaper for the purpose of being recyclable, which helped Nikola, believing certain materials were more effective against the children hordes, made Blu-ray from sandpaper and used condoms, which there were plenty of. He believed that the sandpaper would scratch the children, making them cry, and that the horrid stench and morbid reminder of the used condoms would scare them away in defeat.

The 2nd and 3rd First DVD

The first modern DVD contained all information up to 1995. It was pretty big compared to like the commercial DVD's we have now, so only one was made. Scientists planned to send it back in time using a giant slingshot, however, they later realized that such a technology did not yet exist. This would have allowed our civilization to invent every possible invention virtually in an instant and that nothing could possibly go wrong. The DVD containing all human knowledge is currently rumoured to be hidden in a secret warehouse somewhere, waiting for a DVD containing all human knowledge from the future to be sent to us. Then we can send our DVD back in time. Some have theorized that such a futuristic DVD would simply be better off sent further into the past as we plan to do with our DVD. However, that would mean our DVD, which was ridiculously expensive, would become a tremendous waste of time and money. Unless humans in the future are less dickheaded than today, this shouldn't be a problem.

The first commercial DVD was invented in 1996 as a smaller version of the DVD containing all knowledge; the idea to shrink the DVD down to a more manageable size being related to the Edison DVD, and hence the carry over of the name. The commercial DVD was first used as practical storage for the Blondie comics and as an easy way to hide porn, just as Edison had intended.

Modern Use

Porno dvds are stacked so men can take as they please.

The modern DVD has been scaled down to an even more sensible size, and can now hold 8GB of pirated movies, which is goody-goody hooray. Some overloaded DVDs are also known to hold 10GB, these are, however, considered unstable and may melt or fly through the air and cut your hands off.

Back in 2001, some rumors surfaced of a new version of the "Blu-ray" disc that Nikola invented that was apparently intended to replace the DVD. Following Nikola Tesla the Third's televised speech the next year, this unfortunately proved true, as he announced that sided with Sony to develop it. He originally intended it to be used as an exploding throwing weapon against hordes of small rioting children, (as his grandfather did) but was promptly smacked in the face with a newspaper by one of his project colleagues for such a stupid idea... because it would be better if there was a machine to launch it more powerfully instead. They then decided that the discs should be overloaded by default to ensure that they would shoot out faster, (hence the large capacity) and that the player should be heavy enough to be used as a blunt weapon in case you run out of ammo. The Blu-ray Anti-Juvenile Weapon System players were then released in June, 2006, with the ammo movies being released soon after.

However, despite the aggressive campaign by the Blu-ray templars marketers, the loyal support from various greedy bastards companies, and the failed HD-DVD campaign, DVDs are still widely used around the world due to their affordability, their decent capacity, their effectiveness against the child rioters, and their fairly good video quality.

Manufacture

Today, DVDs are created by using heavy metals retrieved from dead rock singers and melted into discs. They are then polished and sent through a laser that etches the desired pirated content onto the disc. The disc is then sent to a packing station to be packaged by "the droids", then sent off by disgruntled UPS workers.

DVD Special Features

Many DVDs will come with extra additions than just the movie, unless you bought a pirated copy, or the cheap bastards who put the DVD together are either lazy, or holding back to release another version of the DVD soon.

• Trailer - The trailer is one of the most popular special features. They are thrown onto most DVDs to give the option menu a look like there is more then just the movie on the disc. Basically it is just something to look pretty, and isn't actually on the disc, as no one ever wants to watch them. Other times the DVD might contain a few trailers to other movies, and irritate you as you try to skip over them when you insert the disc, and you get a message saying, "That operation can not be done" or "Unknown Command" as the movie company has programed you to not be able to skip them so you have to watch them, as the DVD company has a laugh about the frustrations people get by having to sit through this, and it makes them feel bigger then you.

• Surround Sound - Surround sound can come in, 2.0, 2.1, 3.0. 4.0, 5.0, 5.1, 6.9, 7.8, THX, Dolby, Stereo of Mono surround sound. Always make sure this bonus feature is included. As so many DVDs out there have 0.0 surround, to no sound at all. The bonus feature of audio is always a good thing.

• Production Notes - These are pages of text, like viewing information to read online. They could be notes from the director about how the movie came to be made, concept ideas, or maybe even the script, but it has never been known since the font and text is so small, that it is impossible to read on most television screens that are under 500 feet in height.

• Featurettes - These usually consist of behind the scenes footage, that normally will consist of 3 seconds from the movie, and the actors, producers, special FX crew, caterers, gynecologists and the cleaners talking about their roles on the movie, and try to involve you in some funny thing that happened while making the movie, like when the cleaner couldn't find his car keys, and walked in on the set not knowing filming was under way, but they decided it was so funny they kept that shot in the movie anyway.

• Music Video - This is a feature that will be the actual music video to the 3rd or 4th best song in the movie. 9 times out of 10 the song is not even heard in the movie, but the producers paid so much money to have access to the song, you may as well get an unknown band's video effort to a song you will never want to hear again.

• Outtakes/Bloopers - These are clips that show the actors messing up the scene during filming, either due to flubbing their lines, or due to corpsing, in which an actor suddenly falls lifeless and dead. Fortunately, most directors are known to keep spare clones of the actors in stasis, for when such an event occurs.

• Story Boards - Contrary to popular belief, the storyboards (those small panels of drawings that tell the story) are actually drawn after filming, and is in fact the result of bored, unpaid, college-level interns scribbling the filmed scenes on scratch paper in order to draw the characters well, so that they'll actually earn some money from the porn mature art that they'll draw of these characters in their overpriced commissions on Deviant Art.

• Deleted Scenes - These where first introduced to classic movies from 20 or more years before the creation of DVD's. They where really cool watch scenes that did not make it into the final cut of the film. However, modern day movies began inserting these things too, and is now filled with useless scenes with numbers and letters floating around the screen for 20 minutes or more, because modern day directors have the technology to film in digital, and offer every last thing they shot to be seen for the fans of the movie. Too bad only 4 people in the world ever find the feature interesting.

• Still/Photo Gallery - This is a game put onto some DVDs to give your thumb a work out, and see how many clicks it takes to get to skim through a bunch of pictures. The trick to the game is get through all the pictures without falling asleep, or giving up and pressing the menu button.

• Audio Commentary - This is an audio track to play along as the movie is playing; they are often of the producer, director or an actor of the film, sometimes all of them, and they will start off a commentary with, "I will say this, because I think you have watched the movie before, if you haven't, I'm spoiling it for you" like anyone in their right mind would buy a DVD and stick the commentary on before watching the film. Then they will talk, and laugh and say things like, "OMG, I remember the day we shot this" and you will think, "Well, duh. It would be hard to remember it if you weren't there" - They will then inform you on riveting information about the hotels they stayed in, how the food was, how their friend was in the background of the scene as an extra super special cameo, and which scenes were shot before which one, and all this incredible information you will find exciting and feel you life now means something by knowing all this stupendous information. It's also a good time for them to mention how much they hated the guts of their co-stars, which ones they slept with, and which ones they hated with their guts because they wouldn't sleep with them.
  • Warning: Under no circumstances must you ever listen to a Farrelly Brothers commentary. It is highly hazardous to your health, 7 people a month on average die from listening to a Farrelly Brothers commentary.

Definition of DVD Labels

• Special Edition - This is a DVD marking the second home video release of the movie and comes with a trailer and audio commentary this time. Sometimes even a featurette.

• Collector's Edition - This is the 3rd version of the movie released, and comes with an extra disc of bonus features you could have lived without seeing.

• Extended Edition - This version has the deleted scenes (from the Collector's Edition bonus disc) edited back into the actual movie. This allows you to understand the director's original vision. Extended editions are typically longer and less interesting than theatrical editions.

• Criterion Edition - This is what they call the re-release of the collectors edition, with an art cover resembling the special edition. Note: Due to Criterion's monopoly on the collectible DVD market only existing in the US and Canada, these editions occasionally manage to escape North America and disguise themselves as Collector's Editions.

• Platinum Edition - This is a re-release of the original special edition with nothing more then a trailer and commentary, but the front cover now has a shiny gold silvery platinum logo, and is half the price it originally was.

• Metal Edition - For the tens-of-millions of fans out there who always wanted their favourite DVD to be sold in a tin box and at 2-3 times the price.

Other Meanings of DVD

• Dirty Vaginal Discharge
• Dat Very Dumb!
• Donald von Duck
• Dangerous vats (of) Disaster!
• Dick Van Dyke
• Dirty Victorian Diaper
• Degenarative Vascular DoDad
• Determined Vent Demon

Also on DVD

• CD
• HD-DVD
• Laserdisc
• DVDA
• Betamax
• blu-ray
• VHS
• Debbie Does Dallas