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Captain Obvious

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Captain Obvious
Date of birth His birthday
Marital Status Divorced, married(formerly)
Home Earth. Obviously.
Occupation Superhero
Powers Ability to point out details people already know in a heroic way
Weakness Anything capable of killing him
Also known as John Madden

“This is an article about me, Captain Obvious.”

~ Captain Obvious on this obvious article

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

~ the general public on Captain Obvious's statements

Captain Obvious is a superhero – one of the people who fight bad guys, supervillains, and assorted evil-doers. The prefix "Captain", however, is purely symbolic. Although the "Obvious" part of Captain Obvious's name is certainly true, Captain Obvious does not hold the rank of Captain in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Space Force, Coast Guard, Marines, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Commissioned Corps, the United States Public Health Service Commissioned Corps, the Salvation Army or any Police or Fire Department. Nor is he licensed to fly commercial or cargo aircraft or pilot fishing boats or cargo vessels, meaning that in a situation where he would have to pilot one of these vehicles and is asked by a duly authorized official to prove that he had the legal right to do so, he would not be able to.

Captain Obvious's symbol is a large "O". This is the circular image on his chest, identical to the letter used elsewhere; however, its use in such instances does not necessarily pertain to Captain Obvious. The "O" stands for "Obvious", rather than "Oklahoma", "Oregon", "Osama bin Laden", "Omnipotent", "Orange", "Ombudsman", "Omniscient", "Obama", "Oxymoron", "Oblivious", "Ohio", "Other", "Out of this world", "Ocean", "Of Germany", "Oh my God", "Owner", or any of the other six vocabulea that begin with an "O". He sometimes carries a large shield with him, though this is primarily to stop his own team mates from beating the living daylights out of him. His main rival is the dastardly Professor Subtle, against whom he battles in many comic book and television episodes, but Professor Subtle never fails to reappear in subsequent episodes. This could be because Captain Obvious has failed to apprehend or destroy Professor Subtle in any way, or because, as Captain Obvious has pointed out on several occasions, "It's all retcon's fault!"


Note that this is not one of Captain Obvious's statements. He readily addresses that fact that he is rarely "to the rescue".

Captain Obvious was born on his birthday, most likely on Earth since Venus is too not cold and Neptune is too not hot for him to be born there, but Earth is suitable for him to be born there, so he was most likely born somewhere on Earth, somewhere in the land that used to be Pangaea. His IQ can be considered as a real number. He first rose through the ranks of the Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters to join the X-Men. His actual superpowers are known by very few. Some speculate that it has something to do with levitation, super intelligence, or raising the dead. Whatever it was, most people forget that he has any superpowers, and eventually the name "Captain Obvious" caught on. However, it is known that he got his superpowers from some type of rare life-altering event, involving either biting, being orphaned, or the latter.

Captain Obvious on the Titanic

He was first brought into the X-Men for his intelligence and vocalness, which quickly drove the group mad. He managed to demonstrate a moderate degree of usefulness when he was able to annoy and distract an evil-doer (a time-traveling evil mutant clone of the Silver Surfer) with his obvious statements, such as, "your fly is open" or of the sort, which gave the X-Men time to infiltrate the villain's lair. However, he earned few points with them for this performance because the X-Men were only infiltrating to rescue Captain Obvious. He was later expelled from the X-Men due to his numerous bouts of obviousness. The final straw came when Magneto broke into the X-Men's headquarters after Captain Obvious hid the key under a doormat, making off with Professor X's CD collection and the team's X-box, because the X-Men have X in their name, so they would not choose the Playstation brand.

His expulsion may also have been related to the non-professional nature of his relationship with his sidekick, Readily Apparent Boy. Although group members did not disapprove of such relationships (the J.L.A. readily tolerated a clandestine relationship between a certain bat-themed hero and his sidekick), the indiscreet nature of the relationship - including flirting in public and spats in crowded restaurants - drew unwanted attention to the Justice League. "I mean, it really wouldn't have been a problem," said Superman in an interview. "They didn't have to make it just so freakin' ... you know ... obvious."

Secret identity

Captain Obvious may also be an alias of Banksy.

Though Captain Obvious vehemently denies this (over and over), some suggest that Captain Obvious and Mr. Obvious are the same person. Those people note that, whenever Captain Obvious leaps into action, it's always right after Mr. Obvious conspicuously leaves, loudly saying, "I'm leaving now, but not to do anything interesting! I'm certainly not switching to my superhero identity, which of course, I do not have, as most people do not!"

These conspiracy nuts, however, are always disproved instantly. The fact that Captain Obvious has stated on many occasions that he is probably not Mr. Obvious (nudge nudge wink wink), or that it would simply be way too obvious, are commonly accepted as proof.

Captain Obvious is also not to be confused with Captain Oblivious. That's his twin brother.

In popular culture

One of the many road signs made by Captain Obvious
Captain Obvious strikes again, this time letting a cat know that it is a cat.
Another of Captain Obvious's signs from his Campaign

This inability of Captain Obvious to stick with any particular group has also hurt his cultural standing. An entire thirty minutes were cut from the first X-Men film to eliminate his role, due to the sheer predictability of the character. He appeared once on The O'Reilly Factor in a historic appearance that lasted all of ten seconds when he blurted out: "Wait a minute, this show isn't fair and balanced at all."

His comic book line sold out its first three issues, but sales quickly plummeted due to what readers complained was "predictable writing". These days he fills in minor roles, usually uttering phrases such as "That asteroid is heading straight toward us!" or "If we don't defuse this hydrogen bomb, the whole city will be destroyed!" His 900-page autobiography was also panned. In the book, titled This is a book about me, Captain Obvious, he admits what was already believed by many to be his greatest weakness.

“I think my constant exclusion may have something to do with how I always say the obvious.”

~ Captain Obvious on page 22

His autobiography had the following chapters.

  1. The First Couple Pages.
  2. My Birth. How Two Opposite Gender Adults Make Me.
  3. My Body, and Its Many Features. (Included: specially detailed sections and diagrams on what his internal organs do, such as: his heart, his arms, and his penis.)
  4. Growing Up. The Tough Obstacles I Endured Like Learning to Walk and Eat.
  5. Puberty, A Time of Change In My Life.
  6. That Time I Wrote an Autobiography, and the Kind of Stuff That Went Into It.
  7. Yes, I Am Probably Going to Die. Someday ...
  8. This is The Last Chapter.

Fortune teller?

Captain Obvious has also tried predicting the future. Here are a few examples.

“People all over the world will have to purchase a new calendar within the next twelve months.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Within two to three years the price of stamps will increase by an amount.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Someone will die today.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Someone will be born today.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Someone’s birthday will be today.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Someone’s birthday was yesterday.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Someone’s birthday will be tommorow.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“You will eat food within the next thirty days.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Tomorrow will be another day.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“The future is coming.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Someone will breathe today.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Within two ... no, three ..., no wait, ay years, there will be a year that is divisible by two.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Indeed, current events may become past events, but always remember that there will, now and always, be future events in the future.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“In two years time, it will be two years in the future.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“I’m not a doctor, but if you don’t have your heart put back in your chest, you may die soon.”

~ Captain Obvious on his lack of medical training, also the future

“At the sound of the tone, it will be the time it is supposed to be. As in not now, but the future.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“In one year it will be the present.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“Next millennium, you’ll be dead.”

~ Captain Obvious on the future

“You can’t touch MC Hammer.”

~ Captain Obvious on MC Hammer

“Computers don’t work after they break.”

~ Captain Obvious on Computers

“Justin Bieber sucks.”

~ Captain Obvious on Justin Bieber

Other famous statements

"Nah, duh." Captain Obvious is always good at pointing out the obvious.

“This tautological, obvious, redundant sentence is tautological, obvious and redundant.”

~ Captain Obvious on being tautological, obvious and redundant

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.”

~ Captain Obvious on morality

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”

~ Captain Obvious on food

“No matter how today turns out, there’s always tomorrow.”

~ Captain Obvious on cheering you up

“Simply because you can’t see something doesn’t mean you can’t hear or smell it.”

~ Captain Obvious on the sense of sight

“Dead people are not alive, you funny hat Man.”

~ Captain Obvious on teachings of the Catholic Church

“If something gets hard that means it won’t be easy anymore.”

~ Captain Obvious on hardships

“If you hate someone that can most likely indicate that you don’t like them.”

~ Captain Obvious on people you hate

“Someone has, at some time, had sex with someone else.”

~ Captain Obvious on coitus

“The best cure for hunger is food.”

~ Captain Obvious on malnutrition

“I’m seeing things.”

~ Captain Obvious on first opening his eyes

“When you’re thirsty nothing feels better then drinking liquid.”

~ Captain Obvious on hydration

“It’s rude to fart while someone’s eating.”

~ Captain Obvious on manners

“I’m rollin. Hard.”

“These boots are made for walking.”

~ Captain Obvious on footwear

“I already said that.”

~ Captain Obvious on his previous quote(s)

“Turning a frown upside down makes a smiley face.”

~ Captain Obvious on facial expressions

Captain Obvious's UnNews career

Recently due to Stan Lee's company being screwed over by Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton the Captain Obvious comic was canceled so Captain Obvious took up a career as News Anchor for the UnNews network:

See also

Horatio McCallister.png
Cream of the Crap (ish).
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“This isnt supposed to be here.”

~ Captain Obvious on editing articles