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He should have been put down at birth

Brian Sewell on truth


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Banksy.

Banksy is described as "irrefutable proof of dark matter" in several noted scientific journals. Why he wastes a mysterious technology, letting him travel all over the world at the speed of light, to vandalize buildings is still unknown. No one knows what he is or why he exists. His parents say he is a painter and decorator, while others hint at more sinister motives and plans involving grenade croquet for old people.

Life[edit | edit source]

Just about nothing is known about Banksy's early life. As far as we can tell, he is the closest living relative of Jesus Christ (hence his abilities to travel anywhere, anytime). He was either born in the wagon of a traveling show, or some random Buddhist monastery in the Himalayas. A penchant for eating raw oak trees may be what caused him to enter the girls' changing room of his primary school with a digital camera aged 8. He was arrested aged 14 for his obscene watercolours depicting a giraffe and the vicar of Cornwall in "unnatural, indecent and grossly deviant poses". It has been suggested in some circles that Banksy is actually Rolf Harris, and there have been several reports by police of a three legged man running from the site of his "art". Banksy is often been criticized for his rampant racism, sexism and violent misogyny.

Work[edit | edit source]

After a short stint as a bell boy at the Paris Hilton, Banksy returned to the creative world and is best known today for composing the rock opera Strife and Peas. This was highly acclaimed by critics as a classical piece of theater and Banksy was made a Dame in recognition of his work in this area.

Among his unfinished work is an attempt to cause the Millennium Dome to fall into the earth's core using an army of supermoles. Another work explores typical 21st-century masculine problems such as getting women to have sex with stupid sad bastards who try to impress them.

Strife and Peas[edit | edit source]

Imitator and Tribute Artist Kubbsy

Hailed as a masterpiece of opera on its debut at the Sydney Royal Stage And Screen Garden Party Parade, Strife and Peas concerns the trials, travails, ups, downs (blahblah etc.) of a young girl's artistic endeavors. When her album deal fails, she turns to graffiti prostitution and earns money from spray-painting pornographic stencil art on the bodies of fat businessmen in tights. This spawned the well-known catchphrase, taken from a lead character: "When you don't have peas, you have strife, and then you make a painting out of it, and the building owner paints over it."

Other noted activities[edit | edit source]

A master of disguise, Banksy managed to pass himself off as Tony Blair for the first 6 years of Blair's reign as king of all England, France and mouldy banana republics. During the last few years Banksy has moved on to other major projects such as landscape gardening for the blind and hairdressing for the deaf.

Banksy is famed for training elephants and cows to paint portraits of obscure Flemish aristocrats in a style reminiscent of no one in particular.

In spring of 2000, at Byron Bay, Australia, he posed nude for the American photographer Spencer Tunick with about forty others which included the Australian recluse and Artist James DeWeaver, the resulting photograph can be seen on DeWeaver's website.

Links[edit | edit source]