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Linnaean classificationElephas maximus[2],
Angrychargus tramplus
HabitatAfrica, Asia
ProfessionBeing Africa's biggest asshole, moving logs
Height6m (30.6277 yards)
Weight450000000000000000000 micrograms (17fl. oz)
HobbiesLosing their shit at the circus, getting jiggy with other elephants

Elephants are available in two trim levels; African and Asian[3].

The African elephant[4][5] inhabits the hottest, driest, Africa-est parts of Africa[6], where it spends the majority of its time stomping around, fighting other elephants, people and the haunting feeling that its life peaked back in college when it played wide receiver and helped the team[7] win the Big Game.

The Asian elephant broke away from its African family after a heated confrontation involving its Catholic parents and a Jewish fiancé and moved to India[8] to "discover itself"[9].

  1. This is a pink elephant. Spotting one means that you're shitfaced. It also means that now is not the time to call up an old girlfriend and beg her to take you back.
  2. Named after the lead character from that Russell Crowe movie.
  3. African elephants come with leather and the Bose stereo, while Asian elephants also come with leather and the Bose stereo. Pink Elephant Motor Company's management is filled with people who don't know how to market well. It's like GM, but with elephants.
  4. There's more than one, though. You'll find out why this is bad later.
  5. This is bad because they will trample the hell out of you.
  6. Except for the desert (which is too dry), because they've got a much, much better union than camels, which got stuck with desert duty. Camels still spit and/or kick when they realize just how badly they got screwed. They spit and kick all the time. There's not much else to do in the desert. Even the ones in Australia are pissed that they only get 40% dental.
  7. Go Wildcats!
  8. It told them "I'm moving to the country of Asia!", which is pretty idiotic, as Asia isn't even a country. "An elephant never forgets" might be true, but elephants are also remarkably poor at geography. The "Asian elephant" moniker, however, stuck.
  9. Also, for the amusingly named spices, like adrak, aamchur, achar, ajmud, ajmoda, ajwain, amla & anardana, among the A's alone (which all sound both delicious and exotic, until you realize that ginger, called adrak, doesn't taste any better with a cool name. Also, ajmoda is just parsley and, therefore, continues to be the kind of food that gets pushed to the side of the plate before being pushed to the side of the garbage. Even the itinerant Indian cows won't eat it, and they'll eat anything), and the also wildly coloured saffron clothing, which loses its appeal entirely when draped over an Asian elephant, even when it's at the airport selling flowers.


They both look[1] like elephants[2][3].

  1. Elephants, incidentally, have terrible vision. On the other hand, they have the longest noses in the animal kingdom, which came in handy when they spent the 70s and 80s in Miami.
  2. The Asian ones, much like Asians, are smaller, but size is a relative thing because the "small" of a fully grown Asian elephant, at up to 5,000kg (142 acres) is still pretty big. On the other hand, the "big" of an African elephant, at 5,400kg (10,211 quarts) makes the Asian elephant look...also big, but not quite as much. It should be noted that the African elephant will use its extra 400kg (207 °F) primarily to trample the hell out of you.
  3. If it doesn't look like an elephant, consider the possibility that it's Rag Week at the Zoo and they have filled the elephant enclosure with giraffes. This happened to me once.

That thing about the ears

Asian elephants have smaller ears[1].

  1. They're still huge, though. As in "your odd uncle's ears" huge. In contrast, the African elephant has bigger ears, which is pretty obvious if you put the two side by side...which you won't, because the African one will trample the hell out of you. While you're preoccupied with being a corpse, the Asian one, while pretending to be disgusted and turned-off will, deep down in her very core, be secretly swooning at the unnecessary brutality of the African elephant; weak-kneed and unsure in the murky, humid and suffocatingly limbic cloud of manly manliness of such a turgid, atavistic act.

Oh, and the tusks

Males of both types have tusks[1]. Female African elephants also have tusks[2], while female Asian ones don't[3]. Tusks[4] are made of ivory, which is worth quite a lot[5].

  1. ...which makes this a useless metric (much like kPa, which succeeds only in uselessness. 303.975kPa? That's tire pressure?! What the hell?!) for distinguishing between the two. Luckily, such a task is rarely problematic, as one is in Africa while the other is in Asia. If you're in one or the other areas, and can't tell which kind of elephant you're looking at, well, as they say in Boston, " ah wikid retahdid" (Hint: if you're being trampled, it's the African kind).
  2. Because everything is tough in Africa. It's the same continent, remember, where the humble bumble bee kills people. They've got to protect their honey. Honey, it should be mentioned, that's bitter. People killing, bitter honey making bees? That's tough. Africa tough.
  3. They do, however, have a wisp of a moustache that they bleach. Pretend you don't notice it, or you'll spend most of the evening trying to get them to come out of the bathroom.
  4. African elephants will use their tusks to stab you. While trampling on you.
  5. Even more to the elephant they're attached to.

Other cool things that you should already know about elephants because everyone, at some point in their lives, is fascinated with the circus[1]

  • Elephants look good in frilly knickers[2].
  • Girls in spangly clothes look good on top of elephants[3].
  • You can buy drums that don't break when these guys stand on them.
The rare and unusual cowphant
  1. You wanted to be an acrobat, clown or ringmaster. If you deny this, you're a dirty liar.
  2. Not that good. Good by circus animal standards but not by girlfriend standards, so it's really not worth getting drunk to work up the courage, because it really can't work out. And anyway, circuses cut costs where possible so there's a good chance it's a giraffe bulked up by steroids and painted grey.
  3. If you're a circus owner, make sure they're on top, okay?
Cool things about elephants that will kill the conversation at a party
  • Male elephants are called "bulls"[1]. Females are called "cows"[2].
  • Elephant teeth are replaced up to five times over the course of their life. After the last set falls out or wears down completely, they slowly waste away as starve to death[3].
The African elephant is easy to distinguish from its Asian counterpart based on both the larger size of its ears and the fact that it's trampling you[4].
  • Elephants visit the final resting place of their dead, pausing to ponder the inevitability of their own mortality[5] while playing kickball with one of grandpa's vertebrae.
  1. ...followed by a high-five, a friendly "dude" or "bro", and a shotgun'd brewski.
  2. ...then they burst out crying, stampede to the bathroom, slam and lock the door.
  3. Isn't that interesting? How about we go someplace No? Oh. I'll just hang here by the punch.
  4. On the plus side, the other people with you will have a good story to tell about the time they went to Africa and a guy on their tour got trampled. It might not sound like it now, but it's much better being trampled by an African elephant than it is being bitten in half by a hippo. Death-by-hippo is, frankly, embarrassing. It's like getting beaten up by a circus clown with anger management issues, vice a rodeo clown with whatever issues rodeo clowns grapple.
  5. Isn't that interesting? How about we go someplace No? Oh. You're a lesbian? Since when? Since just now? Oh.
Cool things about elephants that seem really deep when you're stoned
  • Asian elephants are among the few species on Earth that are considered to be self-aware[1]
  • We don't know if African elephants are self-aware, because whenever someone gets close enough to present a mirror to them, the elephant tramples the hell out of them. They don't "think" much anyway.[2].
  1. Along with Man, the chimpanzee, the bottlenose dolphin and that unidentified fruit or vegetable in the bottom of your fridge that really should have been tossed away months ago. In other words, they "think" (about logs, mostly, as well as the steadily nearing, yawning black abyss of their tooth-centric, starvation-induced, mortality. The latter epiphany makes them go through an uncomfortable "goth" stage in high school, which both leads to them getting bullied as well as getting them some spooky, depressing, pussy). If you show an Asian elephant a mirror, for example, it will gaze at its own reflection. It "knows", y'know?
  2. .They are self-aware enough, though, to play with your bones the next time they pass by.
Cool things about elephants that, unlike the above, won't hinder you getting laid
This is an Asian elephant. You can tell it's not an African one because it's carrying logs and the person is on top of it, rather than underneath.
  • Baby elephants[1].
  • Not talking about elephants.

General details, usefulness and trampling

Both types eat a lot[1] and their feet, when no longer needed by their owner, can be used to make grotesque knickknacks[2].

Asian elephants are commonly domesticated[3], while African elephants, even when domesticated, are not domesticated[4].

Also, neither type of elephant will fit in a refrigerator. Unless you butter them[5].

  1. A. Lot. The kind of "a lot" that burns through your allowance. That "a lot" also carries on to the "other end". It's best if you don't think about it. Just get a shovel. Or ten. I hope you've got a good back.
  2. Also, furniture based on a terrible pun.
  3. And serve as both the local equivalent of a cross between a pickup truck, a bus and a bulldozer, which is a hideous combination, if you think about it (Keep in mind that this comes from the same country where the gods are blue and have too many arms, that are also blue, and the holiest river is also the place where they poop). This means that trained Asian elephants pick up logs, carry logs and drop logs. Also, they occasionally lose their friggin' shit, resulting in a virtually African elephant level of man-trampling. Indicators that an Asian elephant is about to friggin' lose its shit include picking up logs, carrying logs and dropping logs. A clear trouble sign is them in no way changing their behaviour in any manner whatsoever.
  4. ...making a mockery of the very term and leading you to unsuccessfully attempt to get your money back from Mbutu N!tambo's Elephant Academy. As such, they will not pick up, carry or drop logs. They will, however, trample the hell out of you. More correctly (or less wrongly) they will act domesticated, allowing you to lead them around the center ring at the circus, letting you get them up on their hind legs, then permitting you to have the hell trampled out of yourself.
  5. Hence the footprints.

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