“I had a girlfriend once...then I woke up...*sigh*”
“ Your hand does not count.”
A girlfriend is something that you will never have, unless you are a girl yourself, in which case you can get one easily. If you are a girl, and want a hetero-partner, then a Boyfriend is for you (it should be noted that these are far easier to find than girlfriends). If you're a male and think you have a girlfriend, there is a 3% chance that you are correct. If you're a girl and think you have a boyfriend, there is a 97% chance that you are correct.
Girlfriends are semi-mythical
breasts beasts, and they are reputed to bring great joy to their captors by means of sex and blowjobs. They are highly addictive, and like all drugs are extremely expensive. They are quite unusual in that they can bleed for a week and not die. Much like Superman. Scientists estimate that 20% are girls and as much as 55% of girlfriends are women, the remaining 25% being composed of felons, mothers, hands, and Klingons. However, when handling girlfriends, one must follow a few simple rules (such as not trusting her with a wallet full of money or leaving them alone with any male friends). Women or sometimes girlfriends job is to constantly be in the kitchen to make their man/boyfriend/husband sandwiches all day ever day, and if they say no they have the right to be beaten. But unfortunately people like YOU rarely come across them whereas people like me swim in them. As entertaining as I'm sure that may sound to you, let it be known that nothing will ever hurt quite as much as several hundred angry women attacking at the same time for the act of piling them up horizontally and kicking at them repeatedly to try and stay "afloat".
Gin & other alcohols
Do not bring your girlfriend into contact with gin & other alcohol. Doing
so her will cause her personality to multiply (though this effect may occur naturally, this causes the effect to occur more strongly and more often). While this is occasionally a good thing, more likely scenarios involve tears, bitter recriminations, jealousy and expulsion from your abode. It really isn't worth the gamble.
Do not expose your girlfriend to bright light. The glare from something as innocent as a computer monitor is likely to drive a girlfriend away to go have sex. Particular care must be taken when playing Computer simulations dating Game. The bright strobing effects of the "fireworks", your high-pitched squeals of excitement and pleasure and interest in something that is not your girlfriend can only result in one thing (blissful, uninterrupted gaming nirvana, but no girlfriend you idiot).
Food & Water
Do not feed your girlfriend after midnight. Doing so may cause the girlfriend to transform into a wife. Wives are a larger, scarier form of girlfriend. They will hurt you without even thinking about it. They are generally considered to be a bad thing.
You must water a girlfriend at least twice a day if you want her to live. However, this is not recommended. A living girlfriend is akin to a dead you. She says she is the beating of your heart when really she is the eater of your soul. It is best just to let her dry out, wither, get fat, and lose her will to live. When this happens, you can either dump her or chop her head off, but beware: Her head will regenerate and two heads will grow from the neck stump if you do not thrust a fiery torch into her stump within 30 seconds of chopping the head off.
Save the water to throw on the big breasted, brainless girl in the white t-shirt on the corner. She loves that. Especially in winter. She then in turn becomes your slave and will even call you her god and kill her entire family for you.
Never, ever, huff your girlfriend (for obvious reasons).
Some people choose to risks the above afflictions caused by huffing a girlfriend, and enjoy deeply breathing in the essence of a girlfriend. Many males, and some lesbian females, are powerfully aroused by the scent of an unbathed girlfriend. Often in these instances, the addict will collect a pair of her panties and dry them, to be ground and smoked.
As girlfriends are hard to come by, particularly to readers of uncyclopedia, many resort to imaginary girlfriends or "porn". The most popular imaginary girlfriends, as chosens by American teenagers are -
- Jessica Alba
- Lara Croft
- Queen Victoria
- Your Mom
- My Mom
- Your Dad
- Morgan Freeman
- Lindsay Lohan
- Princess Leia
The Girlfriend Gene
The so called "girlfriend" gene enables one to bond socially, emotionally, and possibly sexually with a member of the opposite sex. The presence of this gene is the only biological method known to modern science for determining whether or not an individual is in fact a "true nerd," as it is known that nerds are the only people who know how to treat a woman right. It is fact that this gene is
submissivedominant, but there is a sizable portion of the population who lack the gene. This group is comprised primarily of jocks, stupid people, and people who beat me up in high school, who are likely one and the same. In fact, there are current theories that it is in fact one person being such a thorough dick that it causes hallucinations, resulting in the multitude of idiot bully jocks that you see around you. Regardless of how many members there are in this group, Scientists believe these personality archetypes will eventually go extinct due to the effects of recessive genes, and in some cases, horribly atrophied and non-functioning genitalia.
She's Cheating On You
I have something to tell you. I've been doing her behind your back. I taught her that thing she does that you like. Come on, you know what I'm talking about. Sorry but this was the best way we could think of telling you. Please, put that shotgun down. You must've seen this coming, right? I mean why'd you think she suddenly had to go somewhere so abruptly when she was making that video? Did you think she had a banjo recital? You're a dumbass. No, no, I was kidding. I don't think you're a dumbass. I think you're the brightest person I've come across in a long time. Now just put the shotgun down and we can have a nice little chat.
Similar to the section on Gin above, tequila can cause changes in behavior in girlfriends. Activities such as stripping, exotic dancing, One-night stands, and sex with multiple people are common after consumption of as little as 8 oz of tequila.
An important note to remember: If you find your girlfriend is cheating on you, don't do a thing! How many prospective girlfriends have been thrown away after all the work, just because she/he is seeing another man? As long as she is seeing you, pretend that you trust her completely. Seriously. Your mom/girlfriend will keep doing you after she tucks you in/school.
Controlling Your Girlfriend
The mystical ability to control women and in particular Girlfriends has not been witnessed or wielded by Modern Man. This has resulted in Man being helpless (read Useless) in recent times; and the lack of revenue from common hos has almost destroyed the once-revered Pimp Network of Doncaster.
As a sub-note, it is reported that a rambling derelict hermit who lives on Ben Nevis is the guardian of The Remote. This fabled piece of technology was used by businessmen and Kings to control 'er indoors until Bodicea, Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth took it in turns to disguise themselves as Oliver Cromwell and beat up Charles I and wee on his throne. Having stolen this said item, it was discovered it could also be used to control Transvestites and some Southern Men, after which it was stolen back and presumed destroyed...
DISCLAIMER: This device may backfire if used incorrectly! Could result in loss of wallet; house; testicles; death; or worse, enslavement to original target. USE AT OWN RISK!!! Also, you're still a dumbass.
Pros over a Guitar
- Guitars are no fun when the power goes down
- You can't get your guitar wet
- Ever try to screw a guitar?
- The input to a guitar is only 1/4"
- A guitar won't beg to be played
- It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
- When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
- Guitars aren't very aggressive
- You need two hands to make a guitar scream
- A guitar won't scratch *your* back
- A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
- A guitar doesn't care who plays it
- You can't play two guitars at once (unless you are Michael Angelo Baito)
- You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)
- It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
- Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
- If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
- You can't marry a rich guitar.
- Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
- Guitars don't taste very good.
- A guitar won't give you head.
- Slapping a guitar on the ass with a pancake does not give you the same perverse pleasure as when you do it to your girlfriend.
- Playing a guitar won't make you feel sexy. It will make you feel lonely. And gay. Very very gay. see Fall Out Boy.
- Looking up pictures of guitars on the internet is not as fun as looking up pictures of nude women.
- Two guitars won't play each other.
- You can't watch a guitar play itself.
- If you date a sexy girl, people will think you're a lucky son of a bitch. If you date a guitar, people will think you're a jackass.
- A guitar won't be impressed if you fight over it.
- Running a guitar rental isn't as gangsta as running a woman rental.
- A guitar won't help you with the chores
Why guitars can be Better
- A guitar has a volume knob
- If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
- You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to (well, at least up to 11)
- You can unplug a guitar
- You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
- Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
- You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
- You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
- You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
- If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
- You can use four fingers (eight, if you use both hands) at a time on a guitar
- If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
- You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
- If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
- You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
- It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
- You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
- You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
- You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
- You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
- A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it
- Guitars are turned on by you
- Guitars don't complain about how bad you are at playing a Guitar
- Fat guitars aren't men they're basses
- Playing a guitar is fun no matter how old you are.
- Guitars only have one input
- guitars dont have control over your every action to the point of you being their pet (noodle)
- Renting a guitar for a night won't get you in prison.
- You can play a guitar without getting consent from it.
- Guys won't beat the shit out of you for playing their guitars. Generally speaking.