That time of the month

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Magnus Fortesque is a world renown authoritative resource, called upon frequently by other people who are in the know and need to know more. Today, Professor Fortesque explains the concept of That time of the month.

That time of the month is a phrase that refers to a specific period of the month when a certain special something can happen. Most often used by women for a variety of reasons, men too have been known to use the phrase to refer to their wives, daughters, bills, etc. that happens at any given time during a certain special period.

History[edit | edit source]

The origin of phrase “That time of the month” is believed to be one of the first clichés ever coined. In the Bible, Genesis 4:1-2, God kicks Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, telling them that:

“Thou shall not know of innocence, but she shall know pain, sickness and heavy flows during that time of month.”

Adam, who unfortunately expresses his relief that he has been left out of the punitive measures by God, gets zapped by a lightning bolt whereupon God states:

“And man shall know no peace during that same period, Smartass.”

Other interpretations:

Firstly, what is PMS?

PMS is Pre Menstrual Syndrome also known as Pitbull Monster Syndrome. Pitbulls are often used, though cruelly and sadly, till this day by illegal Pitbull Ring Fight events. Perhaps its due to the pitbull's angsty temperament when placed with another male in the same tiny enclosure. The unreasonable unexplainable need to tear another of its own being up to shreds and pieces may somehow be linked to the Women in her Post Ovulation Pre Menstration stage where she desires to tear up every bit of fat chicken, steak, sweet beans and yellow corn that's placed in front of her. Thus came the phrase PMS, as we all widely know as, The Premenstrual Syndrome.

Also known by many within the circle (I.E all women with at least one functioning oviduct and a healthy reproductive system) as the Pitbull Monster Syndrome. Simple way to sum up a lady during PMS? Happy, Happy, Happy, Crazy, High, Happy, Crazy, Happy, Happy, High FUCK YOU ALL, FUCK YOU ALL, FUCK YOU, FUCK HIM, FUCK COWS, FUCK GOATS AND FUCK ALL PENGUINS. Happy.

In medical terminology[edit | edit source]

When used by women, “That time of month” is used to convey that an egg, has been discharged from the ovaries, and being unfertilized, will be discharged from the woman’s vagina, along with the sloughing off of the tissue nutrient rich uterine walls. Stop talking dirty to me...

The process, just as God predicted is one of pain, cramping, more pain, cramping and bloating (with or without cravings) in the most scientific of terms, messiness.

Hell to pay[edit | edit source]

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For the man, when his neighbor, cousin, co-worker, girlfriend or wife or daughter's body is running at capacity to slough and eject the unused egg, simply put, there is Hell to Pay.

Why, you might ask yourself?

Well for starters, women are upset about the fact that they have to sit to pee, and at moment like this, they are angry that men can not only stand up to pee just about everywhere, but men don’t have to go through the physiological gyrations that a woman has to go through. And then there is the whole argument concerning the number of men's rooms compared to women's restrooms. Therefore, women add resentment to the feelings that course through their bodies during “that time of the month”, along with that hot and cold feeling that they have about neutering their husbands.

There are a few other common symtoms Pitbull Monsters in their post ovulation pre menstration stage experience.

1. The need for a boyfriend.

Let's go back to 100009898989555 B.C where animals were in their all true sense, animals. What happens during Ovulation? She searches for her spouse to get cosy with where she will successfully fertilise her eggs and continue The Bloodline. Something like, a compulsory duty she must fulfil or grasshoppers will go up her anus to constipate her up. Due to evolution however, the need to fertilise ones own eggs don't matter as much anymore as the satisfying feeling of having a car drive you home at 11.32pm in the night cause you're too tired to move. (Not to mention getting to laugh at all the other single ladies squeezing with the BGL and Body Odour Pigs in the public Mass Rapid Transport system.) Or perhaps, just, a phone buddy who calls you instead of the other way round so you don't have to pay any phone bills and---- you know. Blah Blah many more It's JUST LIKE THAT no all rounded reasonable good explanation is needed by girls in the Pitbull form.

2. Her Stomach is a bottomless pit, My Sire.

Perhaps it is due to the mindset pitbulls have when they prepare for their life or death matches in the bull rings, sugar rich high glycemic index food such as glucose which does not need to be digested by the body at all and can go straight to the bloodstream to supply fresh energy, is often, craved. Just some extra Biology tips for all you knowledge thirsty nutheads, say if sweet potatoes have a glycemic index of about 16, then Glucose has a glycemic load of 100. During periods of danger or confusion, when the body senses the shut down of the brain and all other organs and impending death looming ahead, it immediately sends out signals to the brain who will then make you search for High GI food, such as food high in Glucose or Highly Muchly Processed starch so you may obtain your energy in the shortest fastest time. This way, you don't die. To live or not to live, that is the question, not. Women in their Pitbull stage experience confusion and anger constantly which seem to almost threaten and deplete their life count at a speedy rate, but however, is just an illusion and the Pitbull women rarely ever dies off. (As you can see, evidently.) Thus, it is best if Pitbull Ladies can see through this illusion during such times but sadly, they rarely ever do and they fall prey to their almighty smart brain and its stupid unbalanced production of hormones resulting in a bottomless stomach pit.

3. Indecisiveness and inability to follow through with a decision.

Which is, what I am going to do now as I end this editing which I started off enthusiastically and whole heartedly as I am unable to continue any longer. I am bored, fed up with this, bored, bored, bored and wanting to murder grasshoppers. Tata~ Take care all you ladies (and men) and make sure the bed bugs don't bite you in the night!

Other things that can happen during that Time of the month[edit | edit source]

Besides the womanly art of dispatching an egg once per month, other things can occur during That time of the month:

  • When a woman says “I can’t go swimming” she means that she can’t go swimming. She would love to go swimming, and it isn’t that she doesn’t want to go swimming, and she really can swim, but she just can’t go swimming. People tend to frown on the waters running red, like the Red Sea, and generally it is dangerous to swim whilst bleeding in the ocean, because sharks can smell blood from miles away.
  • A visit from Aunt Flo is also something that can happen, and frequently does. Men may find it strange, because their wife doesn’t have an Aunt Flo, but if asked, she will insist that Aunt Flo is here for a visit, especially when Aunt Flo has put on some weight.
  • A visit from a friend is a nice thing to rely upon monthly. But as with Aunt Flo, where is this visitor? And why does the visit last several days? There has never been a proper introduction, so is this a pretend friend? No, ones mother will confirm that these imaginary visitors are real and come around monthly.
  • A sudden urge to tidy up can strike us. We all have to tidy the house sometimes. We might put it off and, lets be honest, who doesn`t, but there comes a time each month when the light of day just cant get past the piles of dirty pants and unwashed plates. You`ll feel better once the place is clean, even though starting the process is daunting and painful. It's one of those things that just has to be done.
  • God says in Lev. 12 that while on her period until the woman sacrifices small animals she is unclean. You know, like a leper. And no one wants to be around a leper.

Conclusion[edit | edit source]

So there you have it, an explanation of the meaning of the phrase “That time of month.” Say it ten times and you will own it for a lifetime. This is Magnus Fortesque, wishing you a turgid and powerful That time of the month. Stock up on condoms if still feeling horny. And if not tell your girlfriend this joke... it is sure to cheer her up What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month!

Get Well Cards For That Time Of The Month