Soccer mom

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A group of typical soccer moms
A soccer mom's typical ride. This particular ride is 15 MPG (Meters per Gallon)

Soccer Moms are evil, succubus consumer-demons whose primary function is to indoctrinate—or if that doesn't succeed, force—their children into participating in mundane and meaningless yuppie activities. They do this in order to free their time to consume worthless plastic shit and vote for and write letters to Hillary Clinton about how bare boobies, foul language and video games should be banned, and how naughty things in the media should be censored so the government can do their parenting for them (at even a shittier quality than they do). In actuality, they hate cartoons and video games because their existence interferes with their Fundamentalist Christian goals to start a Communist revolution. They are usually middle to lower-upper class, 30 to 50 year old white women who live in the People's Republic of Suburbia.

Straight out of college after receiving some useless major like art, which is actually even more useless for soccermoms in particular since they believe in censorship of true art, they usually get married to Mr. Corporate Business. They are usually also the first ones to get divorced, as all Soccermoms, in addition to being holy rolling Christian fundamentalists, are also far-left radical Marxist Communists, which when both combined, make a deadly cocktail for feminism. Mr. Corporate Business has to work 100 hours per week to pay for the ridiculous high mortgage house, two gas-guzzling SUVs, the dozens of activities her "little angels" participate in, all her fundraisers, pointless shopping sprees, etc. When he does come home he also has to deal with "You're never home, blah,blah,blah, I'm so lonely, blah,blah,blah, you don't love me" so when he gets home he goes straight to bed if he doesn't suffer wife-perpetrated domestic violence. To blow off steam he usually screws around with the secretaries, sometimes runs away with them and leads to divorces, and hangs out at strip joints. When still married Mr. Corporate Business is never around with the 2-3 kids, which is a shame, because he'd probably be a more responsible if not outright nicer parent.

Your average soccer mom is usually at home being a housewife or at work as a bleeding heart socialist activist with no hope for advancement. Neither type has any escape from their drab suburban lifestyle and pathetic middle class dreams (or desire to), which consist mostly of owning a larger 4WD. If they have any other goals, it's probably plotting to create a Marxist-Leninist Christian theocracy with laws sentencing gays to death, sentencing men to death for looking at women the wrong way, and passing horrifyingly high taxes to make the lazy social justice activists live luxuriously off complaining about non-existent disrespect to LGBT people and Christianity, which is ironic, since Soccermoms also hate gays and transgender people, but it's only gay men, they're fine with lesbian TERFs as long as they also hate men and transgender people.

As drivers they enjoy to partake in tailgating speeders and running them over for going too slow, failing to signal for turns and lane changes, drinking $100 Starbucks coffee,talking on the phone,and running red lights. They also spend most of their commutes almost causing accidents because they're too busy yapping to the girlfriends on their cellphones about the poolboy they're banging while they're husband is at work, instead of paying attention to the road.

You're average soccer mum after her children lost

Despite the name "soccer moms," most actually despise the sport (and their children) and only attend their children's games to socialize with other soccer moms and pretend like they have any use breathing.

Appearance[edit | edit source]

Soccer mom after tanning
A typical soccer mom (botox shots included) tries to hide the fact happiness is killing her.

Soccer moms can vary in facial attractiveness, however all their bodies share the same characteristics with the exception of the obese one with short hair that no one likes. Although soccer moms are more concerned about their health and fitness, none of them possess any physical dexterity whatsoever, they have slim builds, but saggy breasts, flabby arms, flabby thighs, flabby belly and a really thin neck where the bones are exposed whenever they breath or talk. They are usually tanned and if you are lucky you can spot them tanning next door.

Soccer moms are extremely self conscious about their appearance and if seen in a bikini they usually cover up and give you a really dirty look if you stare at them for too long.

Examples of soccer moms[edit | edit source]

A typical soccer mom with a gun

Their Impact on Society and Their Children and the way they act[edit | edit source]

Thanks to these bloodsucking demons, groups like the ESRB and FCC have formed. They constantly write to the senate for the banning or censoring of anything that isn't white, rich, or Christian(which is like everything that is mildly entertaining). They also want to ban violent video games or any video game that has a little blood in it, which is pure hypocrisy seeing as they also not only support the war in Iraq, but also support using political violence to establish Communism. Scratch that, they want the banning of any mildly entertaining video game out there, and they want to assassinate anyone who makes those. They also live by the ESRB and MPAA rules:

Typical Soccer Moms
E-I may have to learn more about this game
E10+ -I will have to monitor my angels
T-Until my angels turn 16
M-Not in my house
The official emblem of the HPCCPSJWR
PG-I must watch it first
PG-13 -Over my dead body
R-A simple letter will remove things like this
NC-17 -Bring out the firing squad for the execution of the directors, right now.
X -'I will imprison the directors and the actors in my basement and torture them. FOREVER.'

When the ratings fail to stop people from having fun watching good movies, the Soccermoms then seek assistance from North Korean spies to murder anybody who has a dream of making movies, cartoons, or video games.

History of the Party[edit | edit source]

Feminine Articles
Articles About Feminine Issues

Soccer moms are actually organized in the HPCCPSJWR (Holy People's Christian Communist Party for Social Justice and Women's Rights), a sisterhood whose fundamental beliefs are:

I) When choosing from three pairs of shoes, buy all three, matching hats, and 2 extra pairs of shoes.
II) Always complain about having to drive your minivan.
III) Complain about the "stresses" of being a pampered soccer mom, but act snobby in public about being a soccer mom.
IV) Men are wrong. Women are right. When men think they are wrong, they are wrong. Men are only right when they admit that women are right, and even then they are wrong because they are right and men are not right and therefore can only be wrong when women are right which is always. Paradox! Please help!
V) Not only are men inherently wrong but any form of masturbation by a man is also wrong. If a man is masturbating anywhere in the immediate vicinity of a member of the Soccer Moms, she will know instantly through her sixth sense, even if he is behind a locked door ... or in a closet somewhere.
VI) Have a child every two years and let them be raised by your phillipino nannies.
VII) Buy a golden retriever
VIII) Cartoons, Video Games, Anime, and Movies are the Opium of the people. They are interfering with people's Holy revolution to establish Christian socialism.
IX) Men are disposable.

The sisterhood was founded in 1824 by Joan Rivers, Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond, Marge Simpson and other obnoxious women.

One hero of the sisterhood is the mother from the Brady Bunch, who secretly murdered that sexist guy Don Imus. She worships Oprah at the altar of the mother goddess of success.

See Also[edit | edit source]