Scottish Premier League

The Scottish Premier League (SPL), also known as 'Scotland's Punishment for Life', was formed in a Hampden dugout after the Battle of Culloden when the jammy English decided to subject the population of Scotland to week after week of the most infuriatingly skilless football ever seen in Europe.

History

Once it became clear that the original SPL council, Ginger Jock and his drinking buddy, Jimmy Mcbeardy, were too competent at managing the shambles that is Scottish football the English king (having changed his name to Victoria) began subjecting the Scots to yet another brutal torture. And thus was born 5 day cricket test matches. Unable to comprehend this upperclass ritual, the Scots burrowed into their Hobbit Holes and did not resurface for 6 days. After this brief period of isolation many changes were made. The government began importing whisky from Italy and, in Aberdeen, Hobbit Holes were replaced with Sheep Holes.

Current Teams

The new classy corporate SPL logo

East Bigots

• Official Name:The Catholic Bigots
• Home Colours: 80% White, 30% Green, -10% Orange
• Title Wins: Less than Rangers
• Stadium Capacity: More than Rangers'
• European cup wins: One

West Bigots

• Official Name: The Protestant Bigots
• Colours: Red, White, Blue, Orange.
• Title Wins: More than Celtic, get it right up ye!
• Stadium Capacity: Less than Celtic's
• European cup wins: One

Heart of Midlothian

Read in English

• Official Name: FBK Midlithuania
• Other Names: The Pram Worriers
• Colours: May or may not be brown
• Title Wins: That is not for your knowledge
• Stadium Capacity: As much as we can fucking cram in tae there

Hibernian FC

• Official Name: Leith Oirish
• Colours: Green/grey sleeves
• Honours: League Cup 2007/ Scottish Cup 2010

Hib of Midlothian

• Official Name: Wee Hibbies
• Colours: Green
• Cup wins in the last century: Och man dinnae take tha piss
• Stadium Capacity: 36,000 (offically 18,000, but smackheads tend to be quite thin)

Athletico Sheep

• Official Name: Sheep Shaggin' Bastards
• Colours: Sheepsblood Red
• Honours: 1982
• Stadium Capacity: 24000 (26 seats reserved for players' wives and girlfriends, 974 seats also made for sheep. Remaining 20000 reserved for the disabled (see also Aberdonians)

Ayrshire Bandits

• Official Name: The Ayrshire Huns
• Colours: Blue and white stripes w/ black bandanas
• Honours: Reached top half of the league split, 2004-2005,First Division champions 1965-66, Britains Best Pie 1536-2008
• Stadium Capacity: Infinite

Örgryte IS Supporters Club

• Official Name: Dundee United Not Dundee Not United
• Colours: Retna Killing Tangerine
• Honours: Played four, won four versus Barcelona and sells Bovril in cups bigger than what Aberdeen gives you
• Stadium Capacity: Enough for both supporters to fit inside

Dissapointment FC

• Official Name: Fatherbad
• Colours: Claret and Amber [Imagine a tumor]
• Honours: 1 league a long time ago - still more than Hamilton, but less than most other Scottish teams.
• Stadium Capacity: 13,000 (40 home fans) Av.Cap 3000, (mostly old women resting their legs) famous for it's potato farming.

Calcio Sheep

• Official Name: Information and Communication Technology
• Colours: Blue, white, red, green, black, orange and purple
• Honours: Supercaleygoballisticcelticareatrocious
• Stadium Capacity: Depends where they're playing this season

Skunk Midden

• Official Name: Paisley Sit Murn
• Colours: Black, White & Red
• Honours: Andy Millen - the 90 year old man, Enough Tesco Clubcard points for a stadium ... oh and a scottish cup in 1987 they wont let anyone forget about
• Stadium Capacity: Depends if the tax man is listening

Devolved FC

• Official Name: Government Approved Football Club FC
• Colours: Black and white
• Honours: Future ex prime minister Gordon 'I love the English, me' Broon
• Stadium Capacity: Worth two years in Division 1

Dungvermin

• Official Name: Scumfermline Athletic
• Colours: Black/white or White/Black
• Honours: Sold 14 season tickets in one full year
• Stadium Capacity: Full of seagull shit

• Perth

Banished from the Kingdom

• Dundee Not-United
• Livingston
• Kingdom Of Fife
• The Other Glasgow Team
• Carnoustie Panmure
• Michty Aye
• Arbroath Smokies
• Barry Ferguson

Up-And-Coming

• Gretna
• Cowdenbeath
• Manchester United
• Greece

Financial problems

Despite receiving a lump sum from the devolved Parliament in Holyrood, Scottish teams are frequently humped by teams from every other nationality on the planet. The lump sum - also known as the 'any spare change mate?' formula - is calculated annually by Cuddles the chimpanzee and his cocaine fueled, nappy wearing room-mate, Orville. Both are illiterate and ignorant of Scottish culture which was the deciding factor in their appointment by the Scottish Socialist Party. On their appointment, Tommy 'fake tan' Sheridan, stood up in the chamber and declared: 'Haw! yous are a' tight arse Hitlers! I'm gonna down some bucky, attack faslane wi' ma hauners 'n' go tae the Costa del Bar-l [Barlinney]'. This motion was then approved by the chamber which then pledged an additional 33 bottles of wine (Buckfast vintage) to Anglophobic development programmes in the central belt. Sadly, the purchase of Bucky required funds to be taken from the SPL kittybank and, lacking any funds to buy a football, the league was abbandonned between 2003-2004. This situation was avoided the following season when Tommy (who is a ba' hied) was appointed Professional Scottish Football.

Legislation banning Football in the Scottish game

In 2004, when there was no football in Scotland and, therefore, nothing to do, the Holy-Rude Parliament passed a bill banning all skill in Scottish football. This came after several disgusting incidents during matches when more than 3 passes were made and a powerful shot by Angus Mcdanglynuts merely decapitated a member of the Young Robroyston Team rather than float over the grandstand and into the Clyde. The beautiful game seemed to be becoming rife with talent, much to the horror of fans and tabloid columnists. 'We just don't know what to do!', said Bobby McBiased, sub-editor of the Daylate Record sports column, 'we're Scottish - how can you expect us to write positive things about football!?'. Thus was enacted the 'Keep talent out of Football Act 2004' which provided appropriate punishment for any player displaying even slight competence with a ball.

Punishments for Showing Potential in the SPL

Kris Boyd

Enough said

Glasgow Bum Sores

Otherwise known as 'The Kenny Miller Ruling', this punishment was devised by various football club chairmen from the English lower divisions and accepted by the SFA. It decrees that any young Scottish player showing signs of talent for a non-Glasgow club should be signed by Rangers and/or Celtic on the day of their first inclusion into the Scotland national squad, usually for a minuscule fee. The player then spends the next two years having his confidence and form depleted by spending hours on that team's substitutes bench. After a few wasted years the player is then loaned out to a lowe-league English team and subsequently forgotten. Prime examples of this punishment taking effect are Kenny Miller (Hibernian - Rangers - Wolverhampton), Derek Riordan (Hibernian - Celtic - Swindon Town) and Gary Caldwell (Hibernian - Celtic - Accrinton Stanley)

Everxecution

The Everxecution method is simpler. any player hitting his peak is immediately transferred to Everton and forced to play a bit-part throughout the season. Thus, the best days of his career are spent earning goalless draws with Birmingham. A precedent for this punishment can be seen in the mid-nineties with Duncan Ferguson, and has been seen more recently with James McFadden. Mistakes have, however, been made with this system. David Weir has never shown any semblance of talent, yet he still maintains his role in Everton's alleged defence.

Fatality!

Players of Irish diaspora are usually just killed on sight, albeit with the cover story that they have been sold to a foreign team. Notable instances are the cases of Gary O`Connor, John Collins and Sting

The Tartan Army

Also known as Orthodox Optomist Party of Scotland (OOPS!), the Tartan Army has won international acclaim for being the nation to be most gracious in defeat after getting hammered on the field of football. Dawning traditional Scottish dress (a kilt, a Tam O'Shanter wig and a bottle of Irn Bru), soldiers of this army arrive at international stadiums and hold their breath in the hope that they win the coin toss. The following 90 minutes are used to sing about haggis, the Highlands and the fact that after the Match at Culloden, the English refused a rematch. To gain membership of this Elite Cheering Force one must attain a flag, a kilt, a local beverage (irn bru or Buckfast wine) be in possession of an impressive gut and be prepared to dance with victorious Brazilians, Italians, Spanish, Icelanders and Irish after an almost certain dismal 90 minutes.

NOTE: A member of the Army receives Court Martial if: s/he dances with the English; s/he does not scream the Scottish national anthem (500 Miles - The Proclaimers); undergarments are worn with the kilt. Punishment is a chibbin' by the YHT( Young Hampden Team).

ERROR: That's actually the Hampden Young Team HYT, ya FANNY!!

  Your UnComprehensive Guide to the World of Football